It was 3:48 on a Thursday afternoon. Rachel hesitated outside the door of the choir room, steeling herself for her journey into the lion's den. Quinn was inside, waiting for Finn to finish with basketball practice. Rachel didn't know the likelihood of Quinn being receptive to anything she had to say at the moment but their conversation in the auditorium during their discomfited songwriting partnership had left Rachel with a feeling of concern that she couldn't shake. Rachel slipped in quietly, unnoticed by Quinn who was absorbed in the song she was now lightly playing on the piano. Rachel held her breath to make out Quinn's soft airy voice singing the lyrics which were familiar to Rachel.
When laying with you I could stay there
Close my eyes, feel you here forever
You and me together, nothing is better
But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
When we fell, something died 'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time….
Quinn trailed off and Rachel spoke softly so not to startle. "That was beautiful." Quinn turned to face her, not surprised that she would still be here. "I could hear in your voice how much you meant it….but the lyrics…it's not for Finn is it?"
To Quinn's credit she did not roll her eyes as she turned back to the piano and began randomly picking out notes. "What do you want, Berry?"
"It's for Sam, isn't it?"
"It's for a lot of things." Quinn answered, though her tone signaled that she was not intending on making a conversation out of the matter. "Is there a reason you came in here or can you simply not resist offering your input whenever you hear music?"
"I take it you're finished pretending to be friends with me," Rachel said somewhat sadly. "But yes, I am here because I'm concerned about you Quinn. Everything that you said to me that day in the auditorium, at that time I only listened to your words as they applied to me. It spurred me to write, for once in my life a truly open and painful yet soul-searching song, and I want to thank you for that. But then afterwards, I began thinking of those things you said…and I listened this time to what you said about yourself."
Quinn had stopped playing but did not face Rachel, so the petite brunette moved to the side of the piano so she could look at Quinn even if the blonde refused to make eye contact with her. "You were right, Quinn; I don't belong here. But just what makes you think that you do?" Quinn did face her then and Rachel held strong against her withering glare. "Our talents may be different, but yours are no less than mine. You're a natural leader, you're smart-you have the third highest GPA in our class, you've always been ambitious but now you seem content to live in Lima with the mundane white picket fence dream. That's not you, Quinn."
"And just who are you to tell me who I am?" Quinn asked with controlled anger as she rose from the bench.
"I could see it in your eyes that day. That's not the life you want, but you are suddenly so content now to fall into it. Then you spoke to me about how I live in a fantasy of what life is and that I will always fail because I'm looking for my happy ending. And then it clicked. This is why you want Finn; this is why you so easily accept the future you described for yourself. You've given up on your happy ending. What happened to you Quinn? What happened to all your dreams and-,"
"Don't talk to me about dreams, or happy endings," Quinn warned, her voice gaining strength. "You wanna know? Fine. Set Fire to the Rain? It's for everything, because I destroy everything I touch. I've ruined every relationship I've had. Finn, you know what I did to him; the emotional upheavals throughout my 'relationship' with Puck could fill a tome on its own. And Sam! I finally have a relationship that is everything I ever wanted." Quinn's voice began breaking. "He never did anything wrong. Finn was always distracted with you, Puck was distracted with…everyone! Sam from the very beginning treated me like I was the only other person in the world. After everything last year, he made me believe in dreams again, but I threw it away, and for what? For a guy that I know full well loves someone else.
"But that's par for the course for me. I've never been enough for anyone. Not my parents, not Finn or Puck, not even myself. Anything good that happens to me….I can't keep it. The best thing that has ever happened to me doesn't even know me and probably never will. There is a little girl out there….that I love SO much," Quinn said freely crying now. "She's almost a year old. Shelby has sent me a letter every month with pictures telling me how she is and what she's been doing. I haven't been able to even open the last four because I know it's going to have a picture of her crawling or her first step or she's going to tell me what her first word was. These are not things I'm supposed to learn from some other woman! I'm not supposed to watch her grow up in pictures! I was supposed to be there for all of these things! She should be with me!"
Rachel was finding herself crying right along with Quinn. The statuesque blonde always seemed so together, Rachel had no idea she was so broken, but there was still enough anger Quinn's voice to prevent Rachel from offering any sort of comfort. She felt it was healthier for Quinn to get this all out and if Rachel had to be the blast shield so be it.
"But I couldn't keep her. There was no way. I'll have more children one day, but will any of them replace her? No. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. Everything in my life is completely backwards from what I wanted it to be. So don't talk to me about dreams," she repeated. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm settling. Maybe I'm afraid to try to have anything more in life because I don't want to watch anything else crumble in my hands."
Rachel steadied her voice. "Is that why you want Prom Queen so badly? You think that's all you have left that's attainable? Do you really think that fifteen minutes of fame is going to sustain you for the rest of your life?"
"No," Quinn snapped. "But it's something. You have the whole world in front of you Rachel, but I'm just taking what I can get. Because there's no such thing as happy endings, not for me." Quinn snatched up her bag and textbooks and tearfully stormed out of the room. Rachel deliberated whether or not to go after her. It had become painfully clear that now more than ever, Quinn needed a friend. The two of them were really more alike than they realized, far more than Quinn would admit anyway. But Rachel realized this was something she was not equipped to help with. Quinn needed someone who truly understood what she was going through.
4:50 pm
Quinn had moved into the auditorium to wait, sitting on the edge of the stage her back to the curtains. Practice should just be getting over, but Finn believed in staying in the shower until he used every drop of hot water in the building so Quinn knew she had a while to wait yet. She had dried her tears and taken several deep breaths, preparing to put on the façade of normalcy when Finn finally did come find her. She still, however, silently cursed herself for falling to pieces in front of Rachel the way she had. She know she seen the last of this.
Three more minutes passed and Quinn sat, still so engrossed in her thoughts she almost didn't hear someone press a high key on the piano behind her to announce their presence. She turned to find none other than Noah Puckerman.
"Hey," he said, almost shyly.
"Hey," she responded, smiling lightly.
"Mind if I join you?"
She shrugged, so he made his way down the stage to sit next to her. When he sat he noticed she kept her eyes fixed forward her back ramrod straight, quite the contrast to his slouching form so he could try to catch her eyes. "Rachel told me she talked to you. She said…well she told me all kinda stuff that you said and…I think we should talk about it. About Beth."
Quinn sighed. She really didn't want to do this again. She already felt exhausted from her earlier break down; this one would be infinitely more tasking simply because the one she would be spilling her guts to was the father of her biggest estranged "happy ending". And especially since she knew he must really be worried because he didn't do the whole 'talking about feelings' thing.
"I know," Quinn began, "without a doubt that we did the right thing giving her up." She turned her face towards him. "So why does it still hurt so much?" she asked him softly, wondering if he truly did have any answers for her. He was silent. "I get the letters, you get them too…" she stated but looked at him questioningly. He nodded. "I can see that she is happy and healthy and that Shelby is giving her everything she needs, she loves her like….I'm glad we gave her to Shelby, she is being a wonderful mother to her…so why can't I be happy?"
"Because it's just like you told Rachel, it wasn't supposed to happen this way." Puck said gently. "Me, yeah I guess it was just a matter of time, but it wasn't supposed to happen to you. And I know how you feel, wondering if it would be better if we didn't get those pictures and seeing all the things we're missing….but I think it helps me. It helps seeing how much she is being loved."
"It helps," Quinn agreed, "but it still hurts. I think about the other children I'll have, all the things I'll get to experience with them that I couldn't with her and it's not fair because I will still love her just as much as I love them.
"I know I must have seemed like an awful person this year, walking around acting like she never happened, finding stupid trivial stuff like prom to occupy time and energy….but I think about her all the time. She's the first thing on my mind when I wake up and she stays there all day."
"I know, it's the same for me. And I've been putting on the mask too…." Puck conceded. "Maybe the thing is…that she's a part of our lives but we're not a part of hers. It's all been one-way."
"What are you thinking?"
"I've been thinking a lot about stopping by to see her while we're there for Nationals. I think Shelby would be cool with it, especially after everything with Rachel." He looked in her sorrowful eyes. "I would like for you to come with me…but if you can't, I understand."
Quinn turned her face back to the frond and was silent for several seconds before taking a deep concluding breath, hopping off the stage and taking Pucks hand, tugging. "Come on." She said she said with happiness in her eyes.
"Where are we going?" Puck asked warily.
"I can't promise I'll be able to go with you to see her, but I think you're right. I think I will feel better if we do something for her. So we're going shopping. I want us to send her a birthday present."
Puck smiled widely, sliding off the stage. "Like what?"
"Mmm, we'll know it when we see it. Come on," she pulled him towards the door.
"What about Finn? We should tell him what's going on so he doesn't worry we're… y'know…messin' around behind his back…again."
Quinn looked at Puck and took stock. He infuriated her more often than not, but right now….now he was showing her not the reckless uncaring wild child that he wanted everyone to believe that he was but rather he was showing her the man she had found herself falling in love with last year. And that man seemed infinitely better than the seven foot tall twelve year old she was currently with who was most likely still serenading a bar of soap at that moment. Still holding his hand she stated softly, "let him worry," and then led him out the door.