"I don't mean to be like this, you know."
Alec doesn't know why he said it. He and Magnus had been lazing around Magnus' apartment all day, reading and napping on the couch in the living room. He'd been sitting against the arm of the couch, back straight, tense, and it had just come out. He hadn't even looked up from his book.
For his part, Magnus doesn't seem surprised. He merely looks up, shuts his book, and turns to face Alec on the couch, pulling his leg up so he can fully face his boyfriend.
"Be like what?"
Alec closes his eyes, trying not to flinch underneath Magnus' gaze. He hadn't meant to draw attention to it: he wasn't even sure what he meant.
"I… I don't mean to…" Alec stops, opens his eyes and takes a deep breath. He turns to face Magnus, mirroring his boyfriend's position.
"I don't know how to relax. Jace and Isabelle treat it like a joke- that I take everything so seriously. But it's not funny. Maybe it's the Shadowhunter training, maybe it's the responsibility, I don't know. I just know that it's a part of me now and I can't get rid of it." Alec stops again, breathes again. Magnus holds his gaze, his hands relaxed in his lap. For a moment it looks like he might speak, but Alec holds his hand up and Magnus stays silent.
"I know that it's not easy for you, having a boyfriend who is such a mess all the time. I've been trying to relax, trying to learn to let go. But I can't. It's not working. The more I try to relax, the worse it gets, until I snap and I have go out and hunt something. And I want you to know that I don't mean to make it hard for you. I want to be able to let go for you. To be able to go to a party and actually enjoy myself. I don't want to make it difficult for us to even leave the house or to make sitting on the couch and relaxing so tense. I just… I need you to know I'm not doing it on purpose."
Alec takes a breath, looking at his hands before he continues talking.
"I've gotten better at some things. Sometimes I still don't understand you and sometimes I don't understand myself, but I'm getting better. It's… easier to put certain thoughts into words. I'm more aware when I'm doing something completely bullheaded and stupid and I've finally figured out how to eat and sleep on a pretty regular basis. Sometimes I'll forget for a few days, but I always catch myself eventually.
"It's hard, but I want to get better. I want to be better. I just… Needed you to know that, I guess."
Alec continues to stare at his hands, waiting for Magnus to speak up. To tell him that he wasn't trying hard enough. That he can't take it anymore.
Magnus' hand appears in Alec's line of sight, touching him on the chin.
"Babe, look at me."
Alec takes a deep breath and straightens back up, looking Magnus straight in the eye. He's surprised to see that Magnus has a sad smile on his face, his eyes glistening.
"You shouldn't apologize for being you, Alec. You can apologize for not doing the dishes on your night to clean up or for being a little late for a date. But you should never, ever apologize for who you are. You live a high stress life. You have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. You're fresh out of the closet, you're dating a man hundreds of years older than you, and you're still on awkward ground with your lifelong best friend. You are going through a lot of changes right now, and it's okay to be a little tense." Magnus leans forward and takes Alec's hands in his own, pulling them to rest on his chest.
"I'm happy that you're working on it- because being so tense and stressed all the time is not good for your health. But you shouldn't be doing this for me. These are changes that you need to make for yourself. It doesn't matter if I like you the way you are- which, by the way, isn't a problem because I do. What matters is that you are happy with who you are. If you want to be able to have fun at a party, than work on getting better; but if you prefer staying in and reading, focus on doing that. You can't make decisions based on what will make other people happy. Even if the other people include your incredibly sexy boyfriend."
"But-"
"There are no 'buts' about this, Alec. I am perfectly happy with you the way you are. I don't want you to change. But if you aren't comfortable with who you are and you want to change, that's another story, and I'm here for you while you figure that out."
Alec tries to pull his hands free, and Magnus lets them go, dropping his hands into his lap. Alec pushes his hands into his hair, staring at the wall behind Magnus.
"I'm not sure. I think that's the problem."
The whisper fades into silence and Alec doesn't risk looking at Magnus. He doesn't know what made him admit his self doubt to literally the most confident person he knows.
Sometimes he feels really good about himself. He loves his job, his family, his life. He feels good when he gets to Magnus' apartment and kisses his boyfriend. He feels good when he gets back to the Institute after a really long day and falls right into bed. He'll feel good when he's training with Jace and lands a particularly difficult hit.
But sometimes he gets so sick of his own shit. He hates when he messes something stupid up while hunting because he forgot to sleep. Or when he gets so tense that he can't even spend time with his family without wanting to hit someone. He hates the days when he remembers how controversial Magnus is and can't bring himself to even hold hands. He hates when he's seen someone he knows die and all he wants to do is sleep but his brain won't shut off so he just sits in the dark and stares at the wall. He hates that he can never stop training, afraid that the second he does something bad is going to jump out of the shadows.
He hates that even on his days off, he's constantly looking at the shadows. Every movement becomes a threat, every stranger is an enemy. It becomes difficult for him to leave his room, difficult for him to stay. He can't eat or sleep, but he's both hungry and tired. He doesn't want to be alone, but he's so afraid of what other people would think of his mess that he locks himself away in the dark, letting himself drown in feelings of inadequacy and failure.
Magnus shifts on the couch and Alec looks back at him, jarred out of his own head. Magnus is looking at Alec and it gives him chills. It's not the sympathetic smile or the compassion or the revulsion or the hatred that he expected to see. It's understanding.
"Alec, I've had hundreds of years to find out who I am, to become comfortable with the way I present myself to the world. True confidence doesn't come easily to anyone. It took me a lot of work to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what I saw, cat eyes and all. You're still young. No one expects you to be one hundred percent okay with everything about yourself. But I think this is something else, and I think you know that."
"I…" Alec takes another deep breath, looking straight into Magnus' eyes for the first time all morning. "Yeah."
"I'm not going to pretend to be a professional. I don't know anything about psychology or what may be going on with you, but I do know that you've been through a lot lately, and I know that you mean it when you say you want to get better: but I don't think you can do that here. Between your parents and the Clave, you will never catch a break. You'll never find time to work through everything."
"I can't just leave. They need me to-"
"This isn't about what they need, Alec. It's about what you need."
Alec looks away from his boyfriend's intense gaze. Intellectually, he knows Magnus is right. He needs a break. He won't be able to take much more without breaking. But he's scared. What will happen when he doesn't have work to distract him? How will he function with nothing to shape his days?
"I have some business I need to conduct in Europe. Several weeks worth. I leave in a few days, and you're more than welcome to join me. The Institute will be fine without you for a month or two."
Magnus stands up, patting Alec's knee. He turns and walks into the kitchen, humming quietly as he leaves. Alec stays seated, yet again staring at the wall. He feels nervous, but excited. Traveling with Magnus would be an adventure, that he knows. Magnus wouldn't pressure him to do anything, and he would just be along for the ride. He doesn't know if it would help, but he doesn't see how it could hurt at all.
He stands and moves to the kitchen doorway, leaning against the frame and watching Magnus dance as he looks at the takeout menus on the fridge. Magnus grins over his shoulder to acknowledge his presence, and Alec sighs.
"Okay," he concedes. Magnus cheers, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend's waist.
"I promise everything is going to be fine. You are going to be fine."
Alec smiles, pressing a kiss Magnus' forehead.
"Thank you. Love you."
"I love you, too."