Malfoy sings. Voldemort Laments. A tragic tale.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I do own Draco's song. But that's about it.
Author's Note: This is a parody. It always seems there's one person who doesn't get this. Please don't be that person.
"Granger, can I talk to you?" Hermione turned around, and was surprised to see that the voice calling to her belonged to Draco Malfoy.
Hermione narrowed her eyes and said, "What do you want, Malfoy?" She was going to meet up with her two best friends after quidditch practice; Ron was now on the team, too, as the new keeper.
Amazingly, Draco looked completely sincere, and said, "Hermione, please. I need to tell you something." Hermione gasped, as he called her by her first name; even more amazingly, she found herself following him to the lake by the castle.
"Well?" Hermione asked, as Draco sat down on the grassy shore.
Draco looked up at her expectantly. Hermione sighed, and sat down as well, although she put a decent amount of distance between them.
Malfoy bowed his slightly, and murmured, "I'm sorry."
Hermione's jaw hung, but mentally told herself that she must have heard him wrong. "Come again?"
Draco looked up at her, his blue eyes filled with something she couldn't quite decipher. "I said I'm sorry."
Hermione looked over at him, and blurted out, "Why are you sorry?" She then mentally chided herself – After how's he's treated you over the years, you're asking why he would have a reason to feel sorry?!
Draco swallowed, and softly said, "I have to confess something. Ever since I saw caught glimpse of you on the Hogwarts express, I've…" Draco trailed off for a minute, and wouldn't even meet her eyes. He then redoubled himself, and finished, "I've been in love with you.
Hermione gasped – that had been the last thing she had been expecting!
"Where do you reckon Hermione is?" Ron asked, as Harry dismounted next to him on the quidditch pitch.
"She said she'd be here and…" Harry trailed off, seeing an odd shape on the ground to their right.
Ron saw the shape as well, and picked it up. "It looks like a time turner!" he remarked. Indeed, it could've been the exact same artifact Hermione used their third year.
Ron grew excited and said, "Harry! We could use this to visit the Marauders back in the past!"
Harry looked as disbelief at his friend. "Ron, we're not supposed to alter time!"
"Think about it," exclaimed Ron, completely ignoring Harry's comment, "We could visit your mom and dad! And Sirius and Remus, too!"
Harry looked at Ron with disbelief and said, "Ron, I'm pretty sure me meeting my parents in the past could disrupt time."
Ron continued obliviously, "Ok, so there are 24 hours in a day…"
Harry felt his mouth hang open, and said sarcastically, "I'm sure my dad and mom would want to know why they're dead. And I'm sure that their finding out Voldemort killed them because they switched secret keeper to Wormtail wouldn't affect anything!"
"24 hours, and there's 482 days in a year…" Ron muttered. Harry could only look at Weasley in complete disbelief. "Ok, so 24 times 482 times 20 years… hmm.."
Harry didn't know whether to laugh at or hit Ron. Did he honestly think there were 482 days in a year? Ron didn't notice his friend's state, and finished, "Ooh, that's too complicated – just have to guess. I'm pretty sure it's around 3,300,000. Yeah, that sounds good."
Harry gasped as Ron threw the chain around them and started rapidly turning the time turner over and over. "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11…" Ron started rapidly counting.
"What?" exclaimed Hermione, looking straight at Malfoy in shock.
"I said I love you," Draco said, looking her in the eye.
"But, you picked fights with Harry and Ron my first year – my best two friends!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Just a cover," Draco admitted.
"You called me a mudblood!" Hermione said.
"I didn't mean it," Draco insisted.
"You got me into detention because of Norbert," Hermione prodded.
"Hardest thing I ever did in my life, my love," Draco purred.
"125630, 125640, 125650, 125660…" Ron chanted. Harry sighed, but at least Ron had finally given up trying to count by 1's. He didn't see why Ron was bothering to count, anyway. Ron didn't seem to understand how numbers worked, and skipped from 999 to 10,000, and then skipped back down to 2345 after he reached 11,000 for some reason.
"What was that!" yelled Roger Davies, during his first game as the Gryffindor captain. He could've sworn he briefly saw an older version of Harry Potter and Ron Weasley on the quidditch pitch below.
Harry had stopped listening to Ron, and was counting something of his own. The number of times he had smacked his forehead in frustration. He was already up to 120.
Hermione looked at the puppy dog face of Draco Malfoy, still reeling from what he was telling her.
"Please tell me you feel the same way," pleaded Draco.
"The same way! You've called me Mudblood more times than you've called me by my real name!"
Draco quietly said, "I was sitting in the Slytherin commons, thinking of you – as always – and wrote a poem to you.
Hermione grimaced; Draco missed this and started melodramatically, "Your love is like a stream. A river which constantly flows, clearing away all my discontent, my grief, and my loneliness…"
"6,784,500, 6,784,600, 6,784,700…" Ron softly counted. Harry didn't know what he was doing, since he said he was only going to count up to 3,300,000 to begin with. But he didn't bother saying anything, because it appeared that Ron had long ago given up any common sense.
"…Your love is like the moon, which shines down upon me on my darkest hour, giving me solace where I found none before…" Draco cooed.
Finally, Ron seemed to give up. Apparently trying to cover the fact, Ron loudly yelled "Argh! I lost count!"
Harry looked around, and although he knew a decent amount of time had past, Hogwarts looked relatively the same. Harry desperately hoped that Dumbledore was the headmaster when they were at, because Dumbledore seemed to be the best bet to get back to their time.
"..Your love is like a haunting melody, filling the depths of my soul. For which, Hermione, without your love, I am doomed." Draco finally finished.
Hermione took a minute to find her voice. "WHAT!" she half yelled.
"Hermione," Draco pleaded, "I love you with the entire breadth of my existence!"
Hermione gasped like a fish, and asked, "Then why did you want me to die my second year?"
"I could never wish harm upon you," Draco earnestly said.
"You said that you wished the Basilisk had killed me!"
"I would have never!" Draco said, gazing at her.
Hermione didn't know what to say.
"Excuse me," Harry called to the retreating back of a wizard walking along the outer walkways. He had decided that although they weren't supposed to be seen, if they didn't get some help they would be trapped in the past forever.
"Can I help you?" asked the wizard, turning around. Harry gasped – it was Tom Riddle, looking just a little bit older than when Harry had seen him from the enchanted diary his second year.
"Are you ill?" Tom asked, oblivious to who was standing in front of him.
"Er, no," Harry nervously shot back.
Ron suddenly shouted, "WHAT HAVE I DONE!"
Harry sighed, finally seeing as how Ron came to his senses. However, Ron loudly called out, "Don't worry, Harry! I'll get Hermione – she can help us out!"
"NO!" Harry shouted, but Ron had already started turning the time turner in the opposite direction and vanished back towards the future.
Harry turned back around, and saw that Tom Riddle was walking up to him. "Interesting," Tom remarked, seeing the scar on Harry's forhead, "That looks like a evil curse mark. Are you into dark arts as well?"
Harry didn't know what to say, and stood there in shock. Tom laughed and said, "Don't worry. I'm on your side. Can I show you something?"
Harry started panicking, but Tom only pulled out a book from his robes.
"This is my story!" Tom said proudly, "Of my fall. It all started even before I was born. My father was a muggle, and when…."
"You don't love me," said Hermione said realistically.
"How can you deny my love?" Draco asked, somewhat shocked.
"Well, you made fun of my best friends all four years so far," Hermione said.
"Oh, Harry and Ron know I'm just kidding," Draco said dismissively.
"You tried to get my favorite teacher fired two years ago!" Hermione added.
"Come on, I like Hagrid!" complained Draco.
"You mocked Harry about his difficulties with Dementors."
"I actually felt sorry for him. Couldn't you see that?" Draco asked.
Hermione looked oddly at him and asked, "Then why did you try to disrupt him at his Quidditch game by dressing up as one?"
"Disrupt him?" Draco asked indignantly, "I was trying to encourage him, since he's one of your friends. I was trying to show him that he could triumph over anything. I was trying… to show you my love."
Hermione snorted instinctively. Draco looked hurt, and started singing, "My love… for you… cannot see. Although I wish beyond the stars, beyond the dreams of mortal men, I would be with you… And I see you there… sitting quietly, I wish you'd have the same thoughts as me…"
Hermione groaned softly, with Draco crooning softly beside her.
"…so then I learned to hate," continued Tom Riddle, now up to his 3rd year at Hogwarts. "Of course, loneliness was something I learned early on. But hatred, yes hatred was something much better. Hatred began to lead me by the hand towards the glorious fate which I am sure awaits me. It also prepared me for my immense undertaking last year…"
"And my love… for you… cannot hear. Although I know in my soul, we are meant to be together. But I see you there, sitting quietly, I wish you'd have the same belief in me…" Hermione was now sitting with her head between her knees, praying for the song to end.
"Wow!" cried Ron, somehow managing to make it back to the present day. "It's time to find Hermione. It's time… HAHA TIME!" Ron ran off across the grounds, with several first years shooting him odd looks.
"… The monumental discovery. You see, I am…"
Harry couldn't bear any more of Riddle's documentary, and shouted, "Let me guess! You were the heir to Salazaar Slytherin, and found you could open the legendary chamber of secrets up in the girls bathroom by speaking parseltongue, and found a giant basilisk down there which you could control to use to purge the school of those that weren't pure blood!"
"Wow!" exclaimed Tom, "Good guess! So anyways, there I found out I was the heir to Salazaar Slytherin, and found that I could open the legendary…"
"Huh," Ron remarked to himself, "why is Draco singing love songs to Hermione? Well, I certainly feel happy that she could find such a great gentleman like Draco to be with, and I most certainly don't feel any sort of jealous or protectionist anger coming over me." Ron then calmly walked away, leaving the two by the lake in the sunset, resolving not to stand in the way of the obvious fact that the pair were destined to be together.
When Draco finally finished his song in a high falsetto, Hermione said, "Oh, knock it off!"
"Why do you keep ignoring my proclamations of undying love?" Draco asked, slightly hurt.
Hermione seemed to reach the end of her tether, and yelled, "You call me mudblood! You act horribly to Harry and Ron! You threatened to sic your father on me after the quidditch world cup last year! You gave me buck teeth! You acted callously about Cedric's death last year! You said me and my friends would die for not choosing to side with Voldemort! You spread vicious rumors about me to Rita Skeeter! You… you…" Hermione seemed to run out of things, and screamed, "I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD!"
Draco looked at her and said, "But can't you see? We were meant to be together! All the signs point to it. We act so badly to each other – it's got to be a cover for something else! And my father raised me to hate everything you stand for – it's a lot like Romeo and Juliet! And my causing pain to all those you're close too – it's obviously just a cry out to you that I love you! Hermione, we are fated to be together!"
"Oh," Hermione said, "that does make sense, when you put it that way!" She then collapsed, contentedly, into Draco's arms.
Harry finally managed to tear himself away from Voldemort's heart-wrenching tale of descent into evil and madness, and was racing through the castle in search of the Transfiguration professor.
Dumbledore looked at the exhausted boy that had just run up to him, and took in his sallow face. "My boy, you… you didn't!"
Harry couldn't muster the strength to say anything, and Dumbledore said, "You did! Son, nobody should listen to the harrowing tales of how Tom Riddle and his descent! Even if they're told well, they still don't matter!"
"I know," Harry sobbed, "I know. I mean, I knew how it would all turn out, anyway, but I couldn't help it. But, it… it… it was so bad! All the clichés, all the overused phrases, all the tiring references to his muggle father and the quest for power… It's too much!"
Harry collapsed in Dumbledore's arms. "What's going on here, professor?"
Dumbledore looked up at the headmaster, and said, "He listened to another Voldemort descent tale."
"My dear!" gasped Armando.
"I know," Dumbledore said softly, looking at the as-of-yet unfamiliar boy.
"What will we do?" the headmaster asked.
"There's only one thing we can do," Dumbledore replied gravely, "we have to hook him up with a Mary-Sue."
----
Alright! Time for the reviews! I have to admit, I've given up trying to figure out what to expect from reviewers of parodies. The first one people flamed (at least at first). Then, when I encouraged the flames, everyone loved it. Finally, I didn't know what to expect, and I got reviews which were each half/half, with ALL CAPS FLAMES at the top and declarations of admiration at the bottom. Anyway, I'm looking for the best flame. So far the winners are:
Nightmare on Mary Sue Street:
Please Die
But What About Ron:
wow...that was...um, interesting. yeah, that's the word. interesting. seriously, (well not really, because i am not that serious) it was kind of lame, but of course you expect those kind of review so i will say (sarcastically, of course): It was wonderful! I have never read such an awesome piece of fanfiction! Ohmigosh...I mean, words can not describe the emotion I felt...ok. i think i am done now.
Not Another James and Lily Fic:
PLEASE BE SEVERELY TORTURED,
HANGED AND THEN JUST BEFORE YOU DRAW YOUR LAST BREATH HAVE YOUR STOMACH CUT
OPEN AND STUFFED WITH BURNING COALS!! AND DIE!
So, how was that?
Greay fic, by the way. I love it when people spoof the fics, it's the next best thing since they got rid of the MSTs *sniffs and curses the admins*