If you want to ask me a question, don't ask me how I fell in love with, of all people, Ulquiorra Cifer.

Okay?

Just don't.

Because I honestly don't know.

I wouldn't know how to start explaining this to you. I guess that one day I found myself looking at him and thinking that he was attractive. And just like that, I started having an obsession with him. Slowly but surely, he started haunting my thoughts, and pretty soon after that, my dreams. I can't stop thinking about him, no matter how hard I try. I know what you are all thinking; Ulquiorra is a cold son of a bitch with absolutely no heart. But it's my cross to bear, so shut the fuck up.

I just don't understand how one day I could hate him and the next thing I know, I fall in love with the bastard.

It's just not logical.

But that's emotions for you, yeah? It sucks. It confuses you, devours you, eats away at you. If I had it my way, emotions would never have existed. All it does is complicates things. People are always telling you that falling in love is great and all that shit, right? Well, here is the truth, so listen good:

Love sucks. Especially unrequited love.

The whole time I have been in love with Ulquiorra up till now, I have felt nothing but pain. I would gladly choose to be slashed up by that substitute shinigami, Ichigo Kurosaki, than have to face rejection from Ulquiorra Cifer. Than to see those emerald orbs look down at me. It's just less painful that way. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be invisible? To have that person regard you as nothing more than trash – useless? To have that person HATE you? No? Well then, I'd like to see you try falling in love then. See what it feels like. If you come back and tell me that it is all flowers and sunshine, I will call you a liar.

I will tell you exactly how it feels like.

It feels like dying.

It's like having that person reach into your chest and pull out your still beating heart. That's how it feels like. And in a way, with every encounter I have with Ulquiorra, I "die" every single day. Sounds like fun to you? No? Then don't fall in love. Because you will just end up feeling fucked up. Like me.

I am in the meeting hall right now. Aizen is yakking away as usual. About what, I haven't the faintest idea. I think it has something to do with that damned substitute shinigami breaking into Las Noches. If you ask me, that boy is an idiot. Breaking into an enemy's lair which is FULL of soldiers isn't the brightest thing in the world to do.

I drum my fingers on the table.

Don't look at him.

Don't look at him.

Damn it, Grimmjow, don't LOOK at him.

But I do anyways. I can't help myself. I'm weak, I know. I slowly lift my sapphire eyes to rest them on a very familiar person sitting in front of me.

Ulquiorra Cifer.

He is paying rapt attention to Aizen. No surprise there. He makes no sign that he has noticed me. I look back down. Of course. I am invisible to you, aren't I, Ulquiorra? No matter what I do, it is like I don't exist to you. It's always like that. Even when I am standing right in front of you and talking to you, it's like I don't exist. You do acknowledge my presence when I talk to you. But, the way you regard me as something so unimportant and under you makes me feel insignificant. So small, so minuscule. Like I don't exist. You just don't care whether I am there or not.

"Grimmjow."

I look up. Aizen doesn't look pleased. Yes, he is smiling, but behind that smile lies anger and annoyance at being so plainly ignored. "Yes, Aizen-sama." I feel like gagging. I hate calling him that. But it is either that or be killed. I rather like not being dead. I know I am dead now. What I meant is dead dead.

"I have assigned you and Ulquiorra to stop Ichigo Kurosaki's movements."

I perk up at hearing this. Me and Ulquiorra working together? Maybe, just maybe, we can work things out. Maybe, maybe I can make him view me in a different light. I look at my pale skinned superior in front of me.

My heart drops when I see him turn his face away from me dismissively, muttering, "Trash" under his breath.

As soon as the meeting is over, Ulquiorra stands up and leaves, the coat tails of his uniform flapping behind him, without even giving me a second look.

Why do you do this to me every time?

I just wish that you would look at me.

I follow him to his room, walking behind him. He pretends not to notice me like he always does. As soon as he is in the confines of his room, I stand outside, staring at the closed door. I know exactly what will happen if I knock on the door. I know exactly what will happen to me. What I will do. I know exactly how I will feel afterwards. I raise my fist hesitantly. Should I knock? Am I so weak that I need him so much?

I knock on the door.

I guess I am weak. I am pathetic. I disgust myself.

I shove my hand back into my pocket and wait. I don't have to wait long because Ulquiorra opens the door, almost as though he was expecting me. Well, of course he is expecting me. I come every day. If there is a meeting, I will come directly after the meeting. He steps aside to lets me in, his expression as stoic as ever. And I, being the pathetic loser that I am, step in, knowing full well what is in store for me.

What happens next is exactly what I predicted.

The door slams shut and is immediately locked.

I find myself being shoved against the wall, my white jacket shrugged off of my shoulders, the back of my head hitting the wall painfully. I hiss in pain.

"Can't wait to get started, huh?" I sneer.

A brief look of anger passes those emerald orbs, but it is quickly extinguished. If possible, Ulquiorra doesn't allow any emotion to pass his face. But sometimes, if you look hard enough, you can catch glimpses of the emotions he is experiencing. It is not easy, I can tell you that. Ulquiorra is not the easiest individual to understand. Even I don't fully understand him, but I'm trying.

And I know how this looks like. Ulquiorra pinning me against the wall? Me sneering at him? I will explain the first question soon enough, right after I explain the second one. I do this, I do this so that he won't know how much I crave for him. For his touch. For him to even look at me. But I can't let him know how much he means to me. My pride just won't let me. So instead, I mask my true feelings with insolence. However, I think that Ulquiorra knows. He probably does. He is not stupid. But by acting this way, I feel less pathetic.

"You talk too much, Sexta." He glowers at me.

"That's because you are so fucking unresponsive. Someone's gotta fill up the silence, don't ya think, you little-" My sentence is cut short when I feel Ulquiorra wrap his slim fingers around my neck, threatening to choke me. I grab his wrist and try to loosen his grip on my throat, but I can't. He is too strong for me. A fact that he constantly reminds me of. So I begin to struggle. "You little fuck-" I gasp.

"Silence," he says, tightening his grip on my neck. His voice is cold and unfeeling. Filled with hatred. The very sight of me disgusts him.

With just one word I stop and stand still. That's just how much he affects me.

I close my sapphire eyes in anticipation when I feel him lean in closer, his breath on my neck, his cold hand exploring my body while he kept the other firmly around my neck. It hurts me that he still doesn't trust me. But then again, trust doesn't come easy amongst the Espadas in Las Noches. The Espadas would kill each other at the very first opportunity, just to get to the top. However, I would never kill Ulquiorra Cifer. I would never inflict pain on him.

But he would kill me. He won't ever hesitate to hurt me.

I shiver when I feel his hot tongue run itself down my neck. Tentatively, I reach up and pull him close, eager to feel him. I don't know how to explain my relationship with Ulquiorra. I don't even know what it's called. I don't even think that what Ulquiorra and I have can be called a relationship of any sort. His teeth sink into the location between my shoulder and neck, breaking through my thick hierro, drawing blood and making me gasp.

I tighten my hold on Ulquiorra to let him know that he is hurting me, but he ignores me. Instead, he tightens his grip on my neck in response and continues to sink his teeth into my flesh. I have no choice but to let him do as he pleases. I let my head fall back against the wall and moved my head to allow him more space to continue what he is doing. He is not gentle. He never is. I squeeze my eyes shut and try not to let the pained gasps that wanted to crawl out of my throat out.

Contrary to what people think, I did not meet Ulquiorra Cifer for the first time at Las Noches, where I was born into an arrancar. No. I met him when I was an adjunchas. I was wandering around the desert of Hueco Mundo by myself. I had just finished eating my meal of a few worthless Hollows. I could still taste their blood on my tongue.

I lay down on the ground and flicked my gaze lazily at a white building in front of me. It was quite a distance from me. I had always wondered who had lived in that place. The only things that lived in Hueco Mundo were Hollows. Hollows certainly did not have the intelligence to build something like that. I had tried breaking into that place before, but I found it impenetrable. No matter how many times I had tried, it did not matter. I could not break in.

Then something came out of the building and I raised my head in interest.

The figure was dressed in white and was slender with a mask in the shape of a broken helmet placed on one side of his head.

An arrancar.

Arrancars were a rare sight. Seeing one that had taken on a full human form was even rarer.

Then the figure was gone, and that arrancar was suddenly in front of me.

He was fast. I give him that.

I raised myself from the ground, wary. As much as I hated to admit it, this arrancar could easily kill me. He regarded me with a condescending look on his doll-like face and it pissed me the hell off. The first thing I noticed about him was his eyes. They were the colour of emerald. Bright and full of intelligence. However, that colour seemed to be wasted on him because there was no emotion reflected in his eyes. He was pale, had short, messy raven hair and had an air of arrogance about him.

I hated him the moment I saw him.

"Adjunchas," he said, looking down at me. Even his voice was emotionless. "How would you like to serve Aizen-sama?"

A growl resounded in my throat, telling him that my answer was no. I did not answer to anyone. I did not know who the fuck Aizen was, nor did I give a shit about him. He seemed to have anticipated me answer because the next thing he said was;

"In exchange for your services, Aizen-sama will give you power." His emerald eyes seemed like they were able to look right through me, reading my mind. "He will turn you into an arrancar."

The whole time this happened, he has never once kissed me. He merely explores my body with his hands and leaves bruises and wounds with his mouth and teeth. It hurts. But I try not to let it show that I am affected by this.

Even with the things that he does to me, I am still desperate to feel his touch. Not what he is giving me now. I want him to touch me like he loves me. But since this is about as much as I can get from him, I will settle for this. I hiss when he sinks his teeth into my shoulder. Desperate to taste him, I make him face me. He looks angry for a second. At me. For interrupting him and not being obedient. But then I lean forward and kiss him.

He stiffens, his grip on my neck loosening slightly.

We hardly ever kiss. He never kisses me. I am always the one who initiates it. I guess it is because he thinks it is unnecessary. He only wants one thing from me and once he is done with me, he leaves me. It is always like that. But when we do kiss, it is indescribable. I feel like I'm someplace else. Like I am not here where Ulquiorra Cifer hates my guts. No. I feel like I'm at a place where Ulquiorra Cifer actually cares about me, and doesn't look at me in disgust.

Ulquiorra begins to return the kiss and I am already feeling light headed. His tongue enters my mouth and soon we start fighting for dominance. I know it is useless to fight with him over this. He is stronger than me, and always will be. I guess it hurts my pride less when I put up more of a fight rather than just letting him do what he wants to me. Sure enough, he wins dominance and he grabs me behind the knees, lifting me up and presses me against the wall, using the wall as support.

I grab hold of his shoulders to balance myself. I know exactly what is going to happen. I always hated this part. I still do.

"Shit," I breathe, struggling in his grasp.

But I know that in the end I always give in. I always do. But it doesn't hurt any less. I struggle some more but this earns me a bite on my shoulder. He nearly tears the flesh away. I bite back a pained cry. No matter what I do, whether it is to just give in or fight, it will just end the same way. So I close my eyes and prepare myself for the inevitable pain that is to come.

It does.

Once we both have reached completion, we stay still for a few minutes, taking some time to come down from our high before he finally lets me go slowly and we both sink to our knees, completely spent.

I breathe out heavily, trying to still my breathing. A film of sweat covers our bodies and I can see that his eyes are starting to lose the glazed look that they had on earlier. He looks exhausted and his hair is slightly damp with sweat. Captivated, I reach out and touch his cheek, caressing that doll-like face of his. He closes his emerald eyes at the touch and I lean forward, my lips ghosting over his before they meet. I caress his lips with mine. The kiss is soft, unlike the ones that we usually share. I feel him start to press his lips back against mine when suddenly, seemingly to have caught himself indulging in such an affectionate act, he places the palm of his hand against my chest and pushes me away roughly.

My head hits the wall with a soft thud. But that doesn't hurt as much as the rejection. Emerald eyes bore into my sapphire ones before he finally turns away and says in a disgusted voice, "Worthless trash." He gets up from the floor, picks up his discarded clothes and begins dressing himself, letting cold air rush to where his body had been. Zipping his jacket close, he says without looking at me, "Get out."

I just continue to stare at him wide eyed from my position on the ground.

He turns around and shoves his hands into his pockets, his eyes looking down at me. "Get. Out," he repeats.

"Tch. Whatever," I spit out, pretending not to care when it actually cut me deep.

I gather my clothes and dress myself before leaving. He doesn't even watch me as I close the door, cutting him out of my vision. I feel dirty, used and unappreciated. And it's no one else's fault but my own. I let myself be used by him. I let myself fall in love with a heartless bastard like him. But I can't help it. I'm addicted to him.

All I want is for you to see me. Is that just too much to ask?

DIOR: This chapter has been censored in order to abide to the site's M-rating rule, and chapter two as well (but only slightly. Chapter one is the one that got a lot of text cut out). If you'd like to read the uncut versions, please go to my profile, click "Fic Livejournal" and search from the master list (first post).