A/N: Oh look I finished! I have no idea what this is, I have to tell you. Mostly a ramble, a collection of all my thoughts. It's been almost a week and I am still not over the episode. And I thought this would help. It didn't. Still crying when I'm watching those scenes again. So there's a lot of angst here, and some sort of fluff, and it's a complete mess and I have no idea how to fix this. I went back and forth about how I wanted to write this, and well, this is how it turned out. I do hope it's readable. Anyway, this is long enough without me rambling here too! Comments are a blessing, yeah? Thanks!
Somewhere Only We Know
He held her.
He held her tight in his arms, surrounding her with the warmth of his body. Whatever happens. His words still echoing, promising her so much with only a few words. She fell for his words, for his touch. She fell for every silent promise he made. In spite of all that had happened. They will resolve it, they had to. But right now, she just needed to feel. Feel the pain of losing her favorite horse, the pain of his words. The pain of the realization that she was causing him great pain. She shut herself, hearing his words made her shut herself. It made her run to the only place she knew as her safety; the only place that was her safety when he failed to be it. Buttercup.
She was 10 when her parents got her Ash. He was an American Paint, the color of dark brown and white stains. She picked him up herself. Her father came to her the morning of her birthday and told her it was time – time for her to have her own horse, to learn how to ride. He took her to the shelter and she picked him up. It didn't matter that he was already 12 years old; he was still the most beautiful horse she'd ever seen. She spent hours with him – riding, cleaning, cuddling. She told him stories she didn't dare to tell anyone else, and she could've sworn he understood. He was her best friend. It was why, when her parents died, she barely left his side. Will tried to drag her out of his stable, but she refused. He was her safety, her only sanctuary when she was so lonely, so afraid. He was the only one who didn't judge, and although he didn't speak, they had their own secret language, one that only they spoke, that only they knew.
She was 20 when she met him. He was stunning and charming in a way she couldn't resist. He took her by surprise. It was her second year at UVA. Still carrying the pain of losing her parents, she didn't open up to anyone. She had friends; ones she knew from her classes. She would study with them, even go out with them during the weekends. But no one knew that she was, essentially, alone. And then she met him. Henry was working on his Ph.D. and was well known around the halls of UVA as a tutor, but mostly as the reason why all the ladies took a class in religion. He wasn't so impressed by all the attention. He was too focused on his studies to mind all the fuss around him, and truth was, no one seemed to catch his eye. No one but her. He first laid his eyes on her when she stood next to him at the library one day. He was thumbing through his book, searching for a quote frantically, when a book fell from her hand, startling him. He picked up his eyes from the book, only to meet her crystal clear, blue eyes, staring back at him. Smiling, he handed her back her book and she apologized for interrupting him. She would never admit it, but when his hand touched hers as she took the book from him, her heart skipped a beat. Problem was, she was gone so fast he didn't even have time to ask her for her name.
It was the day after Christmas when he met her again. Snow piled outside of UVA and he was unfortunate enough to not be able to get out of there in time. His phone wouldn't stop ringing – his mom and his sister demanding to know how come he missed Christmas. Truth was, he was grateful. For once, he was happy to be alone, to get away from all the noise. And with everyone gone from UVA he had the library all to himself. Or so he thought. Walking inside, he inhaled the scent of the books and smiled at the empty chairs. The library always was his favorite place in the world; he could lose himself there for hours – reading, daydreaming. He wandered around, moving between the bookshelves. He stopped dead on his tracks when he saw her golden locks falling over her face as she buried her nose in a book. She was sitting on the floor, jeans, boots and an oversized sweatshirt. She was so focused in her book she didn't notice he was there, staring at her. He couldn't keep his eyes off of her. He was trying to point to what was drawing him to her so much, to why he was mesmerized by her. Of course, she was stunning; but that was not what caught his eyes. Lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice that she lifted her eyes, a questioning look on her face. They spent the rest of their day at the library, but they didn't read any books. They talked for hours, getting to know each other. She told him about her parents, and he told her about his complicated relationship with his father. She told him about Houghton Hall, and he shared stories from his flights. It was when the sun rose that they realized they spent the entire night together, and it was as if they'd known each other their entire lives. It was why, even though they have been dating for only two months, she called him one morning and asked him to drive her to the farm. The vet called, telling her Ash was limping and that she should come and see him. Nothing could prepare her for the news that followed – cancer. Her best friend was sick, dying. She had to put him down, to let him go. He was in pain, and she didn't want that for him. Henry stood beside her as she spent the day saying goodbye, as she watched Ash closing his eyes and said her goodbyes. He held her tight as she cried on his shoulder, feeling a pain he never knew he could feel. Only later did she open up to tell him about Ash, about what he meant for her. He silently promised that from that moment on, he will be her sanctuary, her safety. He was determined to make her feel, know, that she can turn to him, that he will listen.
She was 24 when he came home one night and told her that he was leaving, that he was deployed. She would never admit it, but he saw the fear in her eyes and he knew that he couldn't leave her alone. The next morning he took her to the shelter. He knew it was the only thing that could make up for his absence; the only thing that would make her talk, if only so that she could get things off her chest. She walked around until she laid her eyes on him – brown with a white stripe on his face. Buttercup. He was beautiful, but more than anything, he looked at her and it was enough for her to know that he was the one. He was 4 years old, and he still required a lot of training, but she didn't mind. Henry watched her as she took him for a ride around the horse farm, smiling at how happy she looked. When he finally came home from Desert Storm, he found her at the stable, telling him stories about her day, but mostly about how much she missed him. He took a moment to just watch her – she was so beautiful, and she was his.
When Mitch called that morning, she knew. She tried to tell herself that it was just a sprain, but she has been there before and she knew, this was the end. She wasn't fooling him when she brushed it off, when she didn't say another word. He didn't buy it, he knew her too well. She changed the subject so quickly, trying to focus on him, on his pain. She loved him that much to put her fears aside for him.
You remind me of how I failed. He could barely look at her as the words left his mouth. He was so worked up, so bound by his own feelings, by the anger, the helplessness. He forgot that she was hurting too, that he betrayed her. He forgot that his words meant everything to her, and they had the power to destroy her; to destroy them. He watched her as she silently put her boots and coat on and left. She went for a ride, but not with Buttercup. He felt his tears sliding down his face as he realized that he sent her to the only place she had known, but that ground has shifted under her as well, and she was utterly alone. Although he promised to forever be her sanctuary.
You can go if you have to, I'm fine. She shut him out, she put the barriers and the walls back up. It was what she knew how to do best. It was her ultimate weapon, the only thing she had to protect herself when someone hurt her, when something was causing her such pain. He wanted to believe that after so long, that after being through so much, that she would never shut him out again, no matter what happens. He wanted to believe that they were stronger, that he proved her countless of times that they were forever. But he watched as she refused to meet his eyes, afraid to show him her true feelings. She knew he could read her, she knew he didn't need much to know that she wasn't fine. But he also knew her well enough to understand that with all the things that were said, and with all those who weren't, she needed, wanted, to be left alone. She needed to go back to the one thing that never hurt her, that was always there for her. Just like Ash, Buttercup became an inseparable part of her life, and now, more than ever, she needed her only haven, her rock. If only just to say goodbye.
And then he came back. She looked at him, shunning away from his gaze, from the sympathy and love that covered his features. She couldn't handle it; he was angry, and they were both hurting, and she just couldn't handle him being his usual self, the man she fell in love with. She wanted to run, to turn away and never look back. It was so much easier than to face all that has happened; it was much easier than acknowledging that he loved her so much that nothing could ever come between them. Whatever happens. She held on to Buttercup's harness, not wanting to let go. But Henry didn't move. He watched her, pleading silently, wordlessly, for her to come to him. And Buttercup knew. He gave her a small nudge, as if pushing her towards Henry. Their secret language, she smiled slightly.
Letting the walls down, she walked over to him and he was quick to pull her to his embrace, to wrap his solid arms around her. "Whatever happens, we're together" he said, looking deep into her eyes. He was saying so much more – with his eyes, with his touch. He was again promising that he will be her harbor, forever.
He carried her into the house once Dr. Klein left. She was sobbing in his arms as she watched Buttercup die, as she said her goodbyes one last time. They have been here before, he thought. And it was so so long ago, and so many things happened since. He sat on the couch and she snuggled closer to him, her legs resting on his, her face lying on his chest, holding onto his shirt as her tears soaked through the fabric. He moved his hand up and down her arm, trying to soothe her, needing to take all the pain away from her. She was crying for the loss of her parents, for the loss of Ash, for the loss of Buttercup. But she was mostly crying for the fear of losing him, for the painful truth that no matter how much she loved him, one action created the most painful memory for them, for him.
He kissed her hair countless of times. Inhaling her scent, reminding him of better days. "I'm sorry" she mumbled, taking in a deep breath, a cry escaping her mouth.
"What for?" he asked, looking down, trying but failing to meet her eyes.
"For being a painful reminder. For hurting you so much".
He exhaled. It was unbearable to hear those words fall from her mouth. It was just as painful as when he said them, as when he finally came to admitting them. He wanted to tell her that she wasn't. But she was. And it was hurting him more than anything. Because he didn't know if there will ever be a time when she isn't, when she stops being. It was then that she looked at him, finally. She almost had to look away at the sight of him, of his pain. She reached to wipe the single tear that slid from his eye, her touch was so gentle, so soft. He held his hand to hers, pressing her hand to his cheek. He looked into her eyes, broken, just like his. "It's not your fault" he whispered.
"Does it really matter?" she asked and he shivered at the sound of the bitterness in her voice. It didn't matter. The bitter truth was that it happened, and it cost them so much more than they ever thought it would.
She untangled herself from his hold and he watched her as she walked over to the window, pulling her coat more tightly around her body. It wasn't cold. The house was warm. But her heart felt frozen, and the distance between them sent shivers down her spine. "Promise me we will end this nicely? I don't want us fighting over the kids or the house or anything. Let's just… Make it quick, please".
No. She couldn't give up on them. This was not the end. He stood suddenly, and walked over to her. He wrapped his arms around her and held her so tight she could barely breathe. His arms circling her, pressing her against his body, against his heart that was beating out of his chest. This couldn't be her resolution. It couldn't. He pressed a kiss to her neck and she closed her eyes. She wanted to move, to push him off of her. She no longer belonged in his embrace; she no longer deserved his love, his comfort. But he didn't let her move, he wasn't willing to. He was afraid to let go, even for the split second, he was afraid she will fade away, that it will be too late to tell her that she can't leave.
"Elizabeth" he breathed out her name, making her tremble. He said her name so many times over the past few days, always conveying anger. Now, it was despair in his voice. Despair and sadness and fear. "We're not… No. I'm not going anywhere. And neither are you".
He released his grip just enough to allow her to turn in his arms. He met her eyes again. The crystal blue was now so dark, almost black. He never saw her hurting this much. "I love you enough to let you go" she said, tears chocking her, her voice trembling.
"I don't want you to let me go!" he said, almost shouting. He startled her. Again. He took a deep breath. Again. He couldn't let his anger get the best of him, not now. He needed her to understand, to listen. "I need you". His voice was now firm, determined. I need you in my life, I can't do this without you.
"I am hurting you". She looked away. She was unable to look at him, to feel him looking at her.
"Hey" he whispered, brushing her chin, trying to turn her face to him. "Look at me baby". She turned her head, tears falling from her eyes. He reached his thumb, drying them. "We've been through worse. We will get past this too. We will do whatever it takes. I will".
She buried her face in his chest and he hugged her, soothing her with the touch of his hands. "Will you be patient with me?" he asked, his voice soft and low, barely above a whisper.
"Whatever you need. I… Just… Don't leave me". She looked at him, her eyes pleading, begging.
"Never" he said, pressing his forehead to hers. "Whatever happens, we're together" he repeated. "I love you, to the moon".
"And back" she finished.