To kill a James Potter

He was like a disease which each time succeeded in infuriating her to no end.

He was a plague that had tired her muscles and made her throat feel sore.

He was like a fever, each time leaving her hot and sweaty.

He was like a disability, leaving her feeling helpless and good for nothing.

He was a cause and her fury was a very unhealthy symptom.

And when you can't get rid of the symptoms, you have to get rid of the cause.

Lily Evans was brooding in the corner of the Common Room. The red haired girl was brooding so much that you could literally see steam coming out of her already red ears. Her eyes were narrowed down to slits and she was glaring at the piece of parchment, lying innocently in front of her, on the desk.

"Lily?" her friend Mary shook her by her shoulder. "Lily? Are you okay?"

"Nah. I think she's finally brain-dead. With all that thinking her brain does, no wonder she's brain dead at such a delicate age of fifteen," snickered her other friend Marlene McKinnon.

That snapped Lily Evans out of her trance and she looked up at her two friends, glaring at them with the same intensity she had been glaring at the parchment. "I'm not brain dead, you idiots!" she hissed back, her voice oozing with hostility. Lily looked down at the parchment, thinking of various ways to torture it. "I'm just... I'm just so..."

"Angry? Mad? Frustrated? What is it, Lily?" Marlene said, clearly annoyed with her red haired friend's over-acting.

Lily laughed menacingly. "Oh boy, that doesn't even cover it."

"So what are you going to do Lily? Hit Dylan for being sensible?"

"Sensible?! Sensible?! How is what he did sensible? I call it sissy. Yes, that sissy, cowards, stupid sod of a guy. How could he Marls?!"

"Merlin Lily! Stop being so melodramatic! Any sensible person would have done what he did. Getting into Potter's bad books is the last thing anyone wants to do."

Mary nodded and rubbed Lily's upper-arm, trying to calm her down. "Marls is right, Lily. Look at Snape for instance. James as an enemy is something no one wants."

"Argh! For heaven's sake you two!" Lily almost screamed in frustration. "HE KEEPS INTERUPTING MY LOVE LIFE, BULLYING INNOCENT PEOPLE IN HATING ME AND YOU THINK THAT'S SENSIBLE?!"

They opened their mouths to debate, but Lily was quick enough to cut them off:

"He has no rights to! Who does he think he is?! That bullying toerag. I will kill him!"

And before any of the two could reply, she got up from her seat and stomped away, towards the Portrait Hole.

Lily Evans found the boys easily enough. They were sitting under the peach tree, near the lake; a place they had started to frequent a lot. A sandy haired boy was lying on his stomach doing his homework, a pudgy looking blonde boy and a handsome black haired one were playing a game of Exploding Snaps while the boy in question was sitting against the tree, playing with his favourite, nicked snitch.

James Potter didn't notice her approach him; more like he pretended he hadn't. Lily Evans being an object of his infatuation never failed to catch his attention even in a room crowded with red haired girls. Many might even think that he had a 'Lily Evans' radar in his brain but he knew better; it was the Marauders' Map. A Map he had developed especially to track down Lily Evans' movement around the magical castle.

Anyway, when Lily got to the tree, the three boys stopped their activities to look at her. Remus raised an eyebrow, Peter waved and Sirius tried to hide his missing eyebrows. James Potter, of course couldn't help but pay attention to her now. Her fury which was radiating from her beautiful self was something he could never ignore.

"Hey there flower! Come here to snog? That eager, are we?"

Lily glared at him. "Not even in your dreams, Potter."

"Oh Evans! In my dreams, it's nothing less than a good shag," he said, smirking, not knowing that this time his dirty, double meaning jokes wouldn't even get a smile's worth recognition from her.

"You arse! You bullying toerag! Who the hell do you think you are?! You think you can go poking that ugly arse of yours around everyone's business?!" she snarled at him, narrowing her eyes and staring right into his hazel ones.

James Potter's eyebrows shot up, into his messy, black fringe. "Ugly? My arse is not ugly." He turned to his three friends and asked, "Is my arse ugly?"

"POTTER! I WILL KILL YOU! YOU IDIOT GIT!"

And then she tackled him, wringing his neck with all her might.

James Potter quickly realized what was happening and tried to push Lily off him but her grip was too tight. Not knowing what to do, he started to tickle her stomach.

"Potter? POTTER! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"

Lily took her hands off him to use them as shields against him. "Stop! Pleases stop!" she said while laughing and giggling. She tried to slap his hands away but those hands of James Potters were very persistent in tickling her. "Please STOP! I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T STOP! POTTER!"

"Potter? Who's Potter? I don't know any Potter," James said, grinning from ear to ear as he continued to tickle her.

"STOP BEING SO DAFT! STOP!"

"Nuh-uh"

"STOP! POTTER! FINE JAMES! STOP!"

And James Potter stopped. He sat back, grinning like a mad man.

Lily sat up, panting. She heaved a few deep breaths to steady down her breathing.

"You called me by my name."

Lily gave him a puzzled look.

"Lily Evans called me by my name," he said, sighing dramatically and settling back against the tree trunk. "Best day of my life."

Smack.

"Remember this slap the next time you go bullying around a girl's boyfriend and tickling her to death, Potter."

AN: COOKIES TO ALL OF YOU!

So...? How was it? Please tell me that my intended punch lines were funny because I was aiming for it to be funny yet a bit serious and if I haven't fulfilled my aim, I shall not be happy. So tell me, puhlease. If you don't, I'll be forced to think it was dull. And I hope it wasn't because then the joke will be on me and I'll have to bury myself because then I'll die of shame and now I'm blabbering. Oh well.

I hope you enjoyed it because I enjoyed writing this.

Love, Haley.

PS: I know Lily is a bit stereotypically out of character in this one... but I seriously couldn't help it. I LOVED AND ENJOYED WRITING THIS.

PPS: I might turn this into a series of unrelated angst/drama/jily oneshots. Might. Let's see.

REVIEW. PLEASE. Okay? Okay.