A/N: Sort of a parody, but not really. Just a fun thing I did whilst bored.
Disclaimer: You know the drill. All rights reserved to DC and Marvel, Blah blah blah, I don't own shit.
Rated M for Language
A TOUCH OF GREEN
Iron Man couldn't believe it. Well, it's not that he couldn't believe it; it was more that he didn't want to. Which was fine. Normally there was a lot that an average person of modest intellect shouldn't believe; lightning gods, raging hulks, reindeer games, one eyed pirates and pop tarts. But in this day in age, you'd be a fool to ignore the evidence of these things actually existing in the world, realm, whatever. Besides, pop tarts. Those are a myth as far as Tony is concerned.
There are many things he's learned to accept. One: He is the greatest intellectual mind of this generation. Two: A party doesn't start until he gets there. Three: Thor likes pop tarts; which technically doesn't exist. And Four: He is the greatest intellectual mind of this generation. Does Tony like repeating himself? No. But he likes making points. And the point is; he couldn't believe some green pop tart flying around shooting lasers, cracking jokes, and out maneuvering his suit in a fantastic aerial display, existed. Who does this guy think he is? Him? Well, there was hardly enough room in the world for one Tony Stark. And Tony would be damned if he was out Starked.
Iron Man hovered, he did his part of scaring the guy off.
"All yours, Legolas." He said as he shot towards the Helicarrier.
Legola- Hawkeye. Hawkeye held on to the wire like his life depended on it. Which it did. He had fought many different people in many different places before he joined S.H.I.E.L.D. And only once did he ever go up against someone who, apparently, is alien. Somewhat alien, at least. You know, besides all the actual aliens. And this would be the second time since then. He couldn't believe that him; better suited to fighting your more than average human (he could totally take on Fury if he wanted to) or your average alien, was tasked to "direct" this completely non-average human/alien. He looked human at least.
He was down to his last arrow, which was currently stabbed into the thigh of this human looking alien. Attached to this arrow; apparently the only one that seemed to do any damage, was a long thick wire that he was currently hanging on to. A little over 2,700 feet in the air, which was about the height of Burj Khalifa in Dubai. It's been awhile since he's been there; maybe he should pay it a visit. Allowing that he doesn't plummet to his death of course; it's always good to plan ahead.
"I can't believe you shot me!" It yelled at him.
Hawkeye was almost tempted to break character and explain the difference between getting shot, and getting arrowed. But now that he thought about, maybe there wasn't a difference and he should probably get his head back in the game if he wanted to live past 10.5 seconds and take a trip to Dubai.
It called him an asshole as he started up the rope. Only for his plan to be literally cut short as a giant pair of green scissors cut the wire like it was, well, paper. As Hawkeye raced towards the ground like he couldn't wait to get there, the only thought that crossed his fear stricken brain was, "I wonder if I look good in purple".
Hulk see green bug fly away with giant screaming hand. Hulk leg tingle. Puny human hit Hulk with yellow car. Hulk hate yellow car! Yellow car never stop for Hulk! When it does, the price to go from Queens to Lexington is too high. Hulk not made of money!
The flying green bug with giant screaming hand dodged as a taxi cab flew past him. He grabbed that with another giant green hand and continued over New York to the Atlantic.
Bruce Banner held onto his stretched and falling pants as he tried to hail a cab.
Thor drank his mead as the Warriors Three and Sif jousted with words and had a marry time.
"Another!" Volstagg shouted jovially, smashing his cup against the ground.
"No." Thor gave a hearty laugh. "It is like this brother, let me demonstrate."
"Another!" Thor bellowed, gently placing his cup onto the table, folding his hands and waiting patiently. A bar maid made her way to Thor's cup and refilled his drink.
He gave a large smile as he drank. His friends giving "oohs" and "awes" as they did the same. Thor was proud of the things he learned in Midgar. Though small and fragile these Midgardians, they had a very practical way of doing things.
It has been sometime since he's visited Midgar. Not since [enter synopsis of Thor 2 here] he mused. He made his way to Heimdall, eager to see his Avenger friends.
The Warriors Three and Sif wondered on Thor's quick departure. Then the thought passed. Then they had another.
Captain America stood next to a tightly wound Fury. Who was more or less Furious. Usually Cap would take a moment to have a privet joke about this, but now was not that time.
E.T.; Cap was proud to have caught the reference since he recently watched the movie, was headed towards the Helicarrier. Flanked on either side of Cap and Fury was several, heavily armed shield agents. And Coulson, who turned out to have not died and merely went someplace else. After his miraculous reappearance Cap procured Coulson's trading cards from Fury (threatening with bodily harm) cleaned off the blood and signed each one with the neatest signature he could manage. He gave them as a gift on Coulson's "Welcome Back From The Dead" party. Out doing Tony Stark's advanced exoskeleton suit, and a golden apple from Thor that allegedly made one live longer. The reaction was well worth the effort.
Black Widow was undercover. She honestly didn't care what the Avengers were doing, she had other priorities. And could only give a leaded sigh as she was interrupted; again, from an interrogation. S.H.I.E.L.D seriously needed better timing when it came to contacting her, she thought dully. Quickly taking out her targets; with her hands tied behind her back, she twisted and stretched to untie herself from the ceiling. At least criminals stopped using rope. She felt morbidly proud when they switched to chains.
When Fury first formed shield, he was more than clear on the requirements and commitment. For those he found lacking, would quit. And those who refused to quit, had a training accident. Shield suffers three training accidents a year. Unfortunate accidents that he will not hesitate to repeat if they cross him.* So, the men and women on board with him today, are the best of the best. He had no fear that they would win this day.
But...
Enough is enough! Fury had it with these motherfucking aliens invading his motherfucking earth!* He's seen how bad things can get, and how quick they can get that way. Well they can get a whole lot worse.* So he's not gonna say what again!* They're going to pull together, and find a way to take this guy down! First, they're gonna seal off this boat*, and open up some fucking windows.*
Coulson held his weapon readily at his side. Everyone taunt and waiting as they stood their ground on the Helicarrier's landing deck. The wind billowed and pushed, daring anyone to lessen their stance. Suddenly there it was, E.T. hovering a good 20 feet above them. It raised a giant green fist, and opened.
Coulson furrowed his brows. There was a dented yellow taxi cab on the Helicarrier.
"Back off." E.T. said, flying away before anyone had a chance to form a thought.
Coulson slowly made his way to the taxi.
"What do you mean, $500 dollars?!" Hawkeye yelled at the taxi driver.
"I got you from Times Square to North Atlantic Ocean in less than 5 minutes! That's $500 dollars cab fare!"
"You didn't even drive!"
"Look!" The taxi driver yelled, pointing at the front of his dash board. "The meter is running!"
"I'm not paying you for a ride I didn't want!"
"Fuck you!"
"No! Fuck you!" Hawkeye shouted as he got out of the taxi and slammed the door. He rapped an arm around a stunned Coulson.
"I was thinking purple."
"I wouldn't"
Hawkeye sighed. "You're probably right."
*Lines referenced from movies Samuel L. Jackson played in, in order which they appear.
Basic (2003)
Snakes on a Plane (2006)
Deep Blue Sea (1999)
Pulp Fiction (1994)
Deep Blue Sea (again)
Snakes on a Plane (again)
A/N: If I were to continue this story (which I'm still deciding, and let's be honest, who knows when I'll get to it) the next part will start off with the lines below, and the plot would more or less follow in that direction.
"Whatever that green glow is, it seems to be a natural defense system. I threw nearly everything I had at him and only managed to lightly singe him." Tony announced absentmindedly; the recording of the battle had most of his attention.
"Same here." Hawkeye agreed. "Seems the only reason one of my arrows made its mark was because he was still recovering from the charges I sent his way."
"Whatever it is," Fury interjected; finished with his review of the footage. "He seems to be powering down. If we're going to get this guy, now is the time to do it."