A/N: Set a little after Aizen's Betrayal, after Hitsugaya and Hinamori have their talk. In defense, of Hinamori, form people who hate her, who think she's weak, crazy, and just stupid; I mean she sort of is, but think of what she's going through; her hero, the person she looked up to the most in her life stabbed her and betrayed her and left her to die, obviously, that's going to leave a lot of guilt, pain, stress, trauma; is she going to get better just like that? Uh, No - and this is the product of that line of thought. (Sort of)
Please Review, I really appreciate it. :)
12/18/09: I just put in breaks, because having it altogether really bothered me, I really didn't change anything else at all
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach
I don't want to hear it anymore.
Yes, you; I can see you hear you fawn over me, murmuring of your utmost sympathy and pity, comforting me with syrupy words, repeating platitudes like a robot, whispering and giggling about the pathetic 5th division lieutenant just as soon as her back is turned.
I can't stand it.
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Don't say "Be strong, it's alright" because it won't. Not now, at least.
It's not alright, hasn't been alright since he left. I'm trying hard, so hard to be strong, move on, but I miss him. What's the point of me being strong, if I can't make him go away or I can't make him come back, to the way things used to be?
I built my whole life, my entire career as a Shinigami for him, and he trained me to be the best I could be, at kido, swordsmanship, and at people and at life. He worked with me for hours, and I worked even longer, so I could serve him in the best way possible. He taught me how to be strong, and ha, look what happened to me…
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Don't say "You'll get over it" because I won't.
Life goes on, and I have a division to lead, paperwork to do, and friends not to worry, to keep my mind busy and away from him, but it still hurts whenever I remember him, sitting at his desk writing, patting me on the head after good missions, giving me my favorite flowers on my birthday; I can't stop it, no matter how much I want to.
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Don't say "How can you still believe in him, in that traitor" because I don't know.
How could you not believe in him, when he was my captain, my perfect, kind captain, he was everything I wanted to be, everything I needed, and everyone else in the 5th division looked up to him too. I loved my captain, and that was the hard part.
Who wants to find out that they love a lie?
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Don't say "You're pathetic, you're weak" because I already know that.
I was pathetic and weak and foolish, and so much more; I was blind and I spent the most time around him, was closest to him, and I never realized it at all. I failed myself and all of Soul Society; and you can't hate me anymore than I despise myself.
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Don't say "You're still young, you'll find another captain" because it won't do anything.
Getting a new captain, working for him, fulfilling his orders, creating a bond with him, it'll keep my mind off him a little, but my new captain can't become him, and I don't want him to.
He can't replace what I lost.
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Don't say "Never mind, you still have a long life to live" because you don't know that.
I never thought that he had any faults. I never thought that I would almost die by his sword. I never thought that he would betray Soul Society. I never thought I would break down like this
And yet, it all happened.
Sometimes, it's hard for me to believe.
But, you get the point. Nothing is absolute. Not him, not me, and never the future.
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Don't say "I know how you feel" because really, do you?
You've lost family, friends, relatives, been hurt by his betrayal, or those from ones close to you, but do you really know how it feels to be Hinamori Momo? To feel the cold blade run through your heart by the person you cherish the most? To find out that your hero, your taicho, that you loved with all your heart never cared for you at all? To feel a misery as sharp as a million cutting blades or a madness deeper than the dark sea?
How can you know that?
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It's not just what people say, it's also what they don't say, or don't do, the ones that look hesitant, almost fearful, avoiding me, afraid to look me straight in the eyes, always asking about the paperwork, new article in the news, the next meetings, but never about him.
Really, all I want to hear is "Sorry"
That's it. Is it too much to ask for? Not once, have I heard that; it's always just "It's ok", "You'll get over it", or "I understand", and that never helps. I always think, "No, I'm not ok, I won't forget, you don't understand". For once, I want someone to say sorry, to listen to me, support me, and accept it, realize that I loved him and still do, or at least, love what he once was, instead of forcing me to move on, to forget as if he never existed. Because he existed and was wonderful for a time, and I loved him, and I can't ignore him, no matter how hard I try or how much I want to.
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And maybe, after I accept it, and time flows by, it won't hurt as much anymore; I don't think it'll ever go away completely, but maybe it'll form something like a scar; you know, the wound's still there, but it doesn't hurt so bad anymore, just only sometimes, and I'll be able to smile and live better, not like I used to, because I'll be different than before, but happy all the same.
I'm ready to wait for that day, when it comes.
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Fin