I do not own any of the people in this piece. And I definitely do not own Wikipedia. Please forgive any inaccuracies because I only glanced at some of the technical science-y information

I am TIVA all the way, this is just a reaction to the stupid news ** spoiler spoiler spoiler** that Marisol Nichols will be reprising her role on NCIS, and where that situation may end up. Boo.

I much prefer reading fan fiction than writing it, but I couldn't resist. If anyone would like to drop a review that would be helpful, please no flames, I already said I was TIVA all the way. I would like to do a longer TIVA piece, but all of my thoughts are haphazard and hand written, so if anyone wants to pitch in a hand with beta-ing or collaborating, please drop me a message.

Also, this was kind of spurred by a West Wing fanfic series titled Exit Strategy (on AO3) by Ryo Sen and Jo March. No harm meant.

Edited to add a few lines and for errors.

Winter 2015

Tony never used to be so introspective. He knows he should see it as a sign he has grown up, and can appreciate the clarity that self-reflection and examination can bring, but damn it, sometimes he just wants his brain to shut down. He really only regards his thoughts in this manner when he thinks of her. He will not say she is the one that got away, or that she was anything more than a best friend, a partner. And he sure as hell never admitted to anyone the depth of his feelings even though they probably had a general idea. For Christ's sake, he never knew exactly how deep his feelings went until he had no choice in their situation. It is times like these, when he can't sleep despite the evening prior was spent eating good food, drinking good wine, and having fantastic sex with Zoe that Tony cannot help but think about how he got to where he is right now.

He thinks his whatever-ship with Ziva was like a supernova. He only knows what a supernova is because Abby once explained it, and there are probably a lot more facts than what he retained, but he still thinks the parallel is fitting. Like the stars of a supernova, he and Ziva had always ended up orbiting each other and exploded together when they finally crashed. Following their explosion, they would drift apart only to start the process all over again. They didn't explode together in the well-known physical sense, and sometimes the explosions were smaller compared to other points in their history, but still there was fire. He briefly wonders if their ending has an astronomical equivalent as well.

When he thinks about his relationship with Zoe, he instantly feels bad. He cannot compare the two relationships at all, for the fact that his and Ziva's friendship was always just that, a friendship built from a partnership. True, their whatever-ship was intense and intimate more than not, but that is all that ever occurred. They never had the opportunity to explore anything further. Despite all that, they still lit up the sky when they crashed against one another.

Tony loves Zoe, he really does. While he and Zoe do not explode, they do create heat which he is thankful for. He believes he is in love with her (as much as he can be), and they are moving forward in their lives together, but sometimes he has doubts- momentary lapses in reality. He knows what it is to feel an all-encompassing love for someone, and he really has tried to have that with Zoe, except it will never be like that with her. He realized a while ago that it will never be like that with anyone except Ziva. And Tony is pretty much okay with that. He thinks it is actually a relief to be able to not completely lose yourself in another person, for his happiness to depend on the other person's mere existence. He is gratified by his work, and satisfied by his love. He is not gluttonous enough to want for more, because more could only be had with Ziva. He doesn't know if that would even be a possibility after all the shit he went through after Ziva left. It took so much time, too much time to recover from the hole she left in his life. He knows why she left, hell, he even understands some of it but it took Tony over a year to move on from her and sew up the tear in his heart.

Before he continues down that path, he gets out of bed and heads to the kitchen, because he cannot have these thoughts about Ziva while his soon-to-be fiancée is sleeping right beside him.

He should be thinking of Zoe and their future together, but he shifts back to the thought process he started just a moment ago. He knows Ziva left a scar on his being, a 'Z' etched onto him as if Ziva and Zorro used the same branding techniques, but he is past that now (for the most part). The scar itches on rare occasions but he never goes so far as to start scratching at it, possibly opening up old wounds. Not now, now that his life is finally on track at forty-fucking-five years old.

He thinks about Zoe again, or rather him and Zoe, and what they have. It may not rival the supernova qualities of him and Ziva, but it is still okay, good even. He and Zoe have a love more like the sun, showering the earth's sky in light and burning bright enough to see day in and day out. The sun, much like him and Zoe, burns steady on most days. The sun, like Zoe warms him on cold days and makes him smile (some days) and turns his nose red when he gets too much of it. Barring the end of the world, the sun will be there, day in and day out. Zoe will be there too, and that says something because all of the other women in his life have left him. Tony is grateful that he has found stability, if not predictability in his life. Just as he has accepted the fact that an apocalypse will not be occurring anytime soon (but would he even get advance warning if it did?), he has resigned himself to the fact that this is his life, his future, and he is assured by that. No one, not even Gibbs would be able to tell that he is merely content as opposed to happy.

He finishes the glass of water he poured himself and makes his way back to the bedroom and slips inside the sheets, trying not to wake Zoe. Careful as he might be, she wakes anyway and turns to him and says "Hey, everything okay?"

Tony instantly feels guilty about his thoughts from just a few minutes prior and presses a kiss to the side of her mouth and answers, "Yeah everything is just fine. Go back to sleep, Zo." And as they adjust themselves around each other, Tony thinks to himself that everything really is just fine, and he is okay with that. He and Zoe have their moments of greatness with each other, but it will never be like it was with Ziva. Tony finds that he has accepted the fact that this is his life, his future, and he is okay with that too. He has to be, otherwise he will never be okay, and he will break and no one would be able to piece him back together again.