A/N: First fic, not my charecters, belong to J.K., blah, blah, blah . . .

Ding-dong.

"Whozzare?" mumbled Lord Voldemort, sitting straight up in bed and rubbing his eyes.

Ding-dong, ding-dong.

"SOMEBODY GET THAT!" yelled Lucius Malfoy, snatching a waffle as it exploded out of the toaster and screaming in pain as it burned his fingers.

Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong.

"Oh!" said Wormtail, misfiring the spell his was casting and hitting Bellatrix Lestrange, causing her hair to go up in flames.

Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong.

"If it's Potter and his gang playing 'Ding-Dong-Ditch' again, I swear I'll kill the lot of them, clone them, and make their clones clean up the mess, and then feed the clones to the Giant Squid," muttered Snape under his breath.

Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong.

"SOMEBODY ANSWER THE BLOODY DOOR!" screamed Narcissa.

Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong.

"Duh," said Gregory Goyle.

"What he said," chimed in Vincent Crabbe.

Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong.

It was then that Voldemort decided he'd had enough.

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"

stompstompstompstomp

"WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME DO YOU WANT?!"

"Augh," managed the UPS man, turning a nasty, yellowish-greenish color.

"Oh, hello," said Voldemort sweetly. "Is that for me?"

Nod.

"Can I have it, please?"

Nod.

"Okay . . . can you hand it to me¿por favor?"

Nod.

Voldemort gently tried to pry the package out of the UPS man's hands. "You can give it to me now . . . like, now would be a good time to give it to me . . . GIVE IT TO ME!"

It took quite a bit of nerve for the UPS man to say, "I-I'm sorr-ry, s-sir, but y-you h-h-have to sign for it first." He held doggedly onto the package, which, Voldemort mused, weighed about the same as a cinderblock.

"Okay, gimme the paper." He hastily scribbled his signature, which, if one squinted at it for long enough, looked strangely and vaguely like a humpbacked moose. "Now can I have the cinderb-er, package?"

Nod.

"Leggo if it, then!"

Nod.

"LET GO OF THE STUPID BOX!" screamed Lord Voldemort, trying desperately to wrench it away from the UPS man, who had a frozen look about him. Finally, getting frustrated, Voldemort smacked the UPS man, screamed "OY FRICKIN VEY!" in his face, and turned him into a hot pink bunny. The UPS man, suddenly lacking opposable thumbs, let go of the box, shrieked in surprise, and hopped away down the driveway.

Meanwhile, back at the doorway, Voldemort, when the UPS man had turned into a rabbit of longer the flaming pink variety and therefore no longer able to help the Dark Lord support the extremely heavy box, dropped the box on Nagani, consequently killing her. "NOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Lord Voldemort, sounding very much like a howler monkey. "Ah, shoot, 'nother Horcrux down the drain." He scooped up the package with a fair amount of trouble and staggered in the door, kicking it shut after him.

"What is in here, anyway?" he grunted, staggering into the living room, where Avery was eating something pink and sugary looking.

"A cinderblock?" hazarded Lucius, nursing his fingers.

"Ahhhhh . . . a cinderblock! If it's a cinderblock, then I can throw it at Potter and his minions!" hissed Snape gleefully.

"Whasintheboxbossisitformesayit'sformepleasecanIhaveitboss?" gabbled Avery, noticing that Voldemort was in the room.

Voldemort grinned evilly. "Why, yeeees, Avery, it is for you! However did you know?" His grin was replaced by a frown. "And did Greyback give you candy again?"

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm . . . "

"Don't lie to me, Avery. Keep in mind that I can read your mind, because I can read you mind, however disturbingly empty of evil thoughts and full of thoughts of My Little Hippogriffs it may be. Did he give you candy?"

"WELL . . . it's kinda complicated . . ."

"Did. He. Give. You. Candy?"

"Um . . . yes."

"Nergh," muttered Voldemort. "Remind me to kill him."

"CanIhavetheboxnowboss?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," said Voldemort, dumping the box in his arms.

Avery dropped to the floor like a rock, pinned down by the extremely heavy package sitting on his chest. "Uh, boss," he wheezed, "I don't think I want it anymore . . . "

"Well, Avery, I'm off to find scissors to open the box," said Voldemort brightly. "Ta!"

"Boss?" said Avery, looking at the corner of the Dark Lord's fuzzy pink bathrobe as it swept around the corner. "Boss? Boss? COME BAAAACK!"

"No, don't think I will," sang Voldemort from the kitchen.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSS!" wailed Avery.

A/N: Oooh . . . will Avery ever get this terrible weight off his chest? Will Snape wreak his cinderblock revenge on those meddling kids? Will Voldemort find the scissors? And whatever happened to the UPS man?
And you WILL reveiw or my pet mutant chimpanzee WILL find you and . . . um . . . pick fleas out of your hair . . . ?