I'm sat snuggled up to Ron in the comfortable armchair in front of the crackling, cosy Gryffindor fire. He has his arm around me and is stroking my hair lovingly. I should feel happy, content, safe in the arms of someone who loves me, and who I love too. But I'm not happy. No matter how hard I try to be content, I feel half empty. Instead of enjoying Ron's love I am watching my friends, Harry and Ginny (who are curled up together in a similar way to me and Ron, only on the couch) wishing that it were me and not Ginny in Harry's arms, receiving his love. I know I should feel happy for them, happy for Ginny, as when I first met her and she told me she was in love with Harry, she believed there was no hope ever of him feeling the same way, but now he loves her too. I've observed their relationship developing for long enough to know that it's pure true love, I've seen it with Ron as well, his love for me…Ron…I don't deserve his love, he believes he has my heart, gives his fully to me, but the truth is that although I do love him, I can never love him like that. Not when my heart truthfully belongs to Harry, the one person I can never be with. I remember the first journey to Hogwarts many years back, entering the wizard world alone, knowing nothing or nobody…
Ever since I first saw the two boys, one red haired, one dark haired, sitting in their compartment on the Hogwarts Express, I felt drawn to them. They were such an odd couple, Ron and Harry, one a little worse for wear with hand me down clothes which had seen better days, and the other skinny and underfed, scruffy hair flopping everywhere. Neither were what you could call handsome, but then again, they were only eleven after all. I myself was a short, buck toothed, bushy haired rather unattractive girl back then.
I remember standing in the corridor looking in at them through the compartment window, unobserved for the moment as they were busy looking at some cards found in sweets with packaging which read 'chocolate frogs' in curly letters. The red headed boy had a rather shabby looking rat sitting on his lap, fast asleep by the looks of things. I watched as the two lost interest in the cards, turning to a box which read 'Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans'. It was at this point that my observation was lost, as a podgy round-faced boy bumped into me. 'S- sorry!' he gasped. 'I was looking for my toad, I've lost him.'
He said his name was Neville, and this was his first time to Hogwarts. He seemed so worried about losing his beloved toad that I had to offer to help. I went up the train to ask in compartments, leaving him to search down the other end. I had no luck and found myself back outside the two boys' compartment again. Looking in, the red head and owner of the rat bent down to rummage in a trunk and pulled out a wand. It was at this moment that the dark haired boy looked up and saw me standing outside the door. I had no choice but to open the door and go in. The two looked up expectantly at me as I entered.
'Has anyone seen a toad? Neville's lost one.' I asked, as I couldn't think of anything else to say.
The red head seemed annoyed. He answered that they'd already told Neville that they hadn't seen his toad. There was something intriguing about his expression, though rude, and he had a smudge of dirt on his nose. I didn't pay any attention to the offensive comment and instead looked at the wand in his hand.
'Oh, are you doing magic? Let's see it then.' I said, and sat down opposite him, feeling nervous, as although all the spell work I'd already tried had worked, it might be nothing compared to what others could do. However, this was the moment which had attracted me to Ron the most, and looking back it is so typically Ron! He waved his wand, pointing it at the rat in his lap and said a silly little rhyme supposed to turn the rodent yellow! I found it so amusing, seeing his face when nothing happened, and was so pleased I wasn't awful at magic after all, that I started babbling on about how well everything has worked for me so far, and how I was muggleborn, and the books I'd read so thoroughly. Looking back I must have come off as an awfully bossy know it all, though really I was just nervous and wanted to make a good impression. No wonder they didn't like me!
With Harry, the thing that drew me towards him wasn't, as with Ron, an action, more like the knowledge of his sad past and awful childhood. I admired how he had coped, how his personality was so lovely despite his upbringing. We also had something in common. That although he wasn't muggleborn but pure blood, he didn't have a clue about the magic word, just like me. He made me feel secure in this new, mysterious and scary world that I'd been thrown into.
Thus I couldn't keep away from the two strange boys ever since that first meeting, even when they clearly didn't want me hanging round with them. But I stuck at it… god it must have been so annoying for them! But it was worth it in the end. Thanks to Ron's insensitiveness and an ugly mountain troll we became the best of friends.
Over the years at Hogwarts, as we all grew older, wiser and more mature, as we tackled and overcame everything dangerous that came along unavoidably to the three of us, (being a close friend of Harry Potter meant constant danger and adventure!) Our friendship deepened, and there were almost no secrets between us, we knew all the ins and outs of each other (mostly!) and I've heard many times the name 'Golden Trio' in reference to us.
It was our third year when I realised I loved Ron, I think it became clear to me when he stopped talking to me over the 'Crookshanks killed Scabbers' incident. You could call it a school girl crush, but I'd experienced that before when I fancied Oliver Wood in second year. (I no! Oliver Wood! Cringe! Thank Merlin the boys never knew about that!) and then Seamus Finnigan after him…but this felt different with Ron, almost scary and so strong it was unbelievable. It was awkward feeling this way, as he's one of my best friends! Luckily we always argued a lot, so my feelings could always be covered by a good disagreement, to the annoyance of the whole of Gryffindor house!
It was fourth year when I realised I had feelings for Harry as well as Ron. He had been so brave, such a fierce friend, and had began to mature into a tall, muscular young man. When his name got put in the Goblet Of Fire I was so worried from him, and then Ron fell out with him as he was jealous, making me so mad at him, but I couldn't side with Harry, that wouldn't be fair! On the one hand the fallout allowed me more time with Harry alone, but on the other hand I felt like I was betraying Ron, and giving Ginny a cause to be jealous of me, not fair to her either, as I like her so much, almost like a sister. I felt torn in half by the whole matter, until eventually they made up again, everything going back to normal. You see, the thing I've always liked most about Harry is that he's always there for me. He may get a bit of a temper sometimes, but we never argue, he's steady and loyal. With Ron, well he's always been a little immature and insensitive towards others, and caused me to cry many times. I wish that I could have had the courage and heart to tell Harry how I feel, but I never could bring myself to do so.
The Yule Ball was announced later that year, and I felt excited along with all the other girls! Who would ask me to the ball? At first I had hopes for either Ron or Harry, but neither seemed to realise I was a girl! Ron had a stupid crush on Fleur, one of the champions, typically French, a tart, part veela and too old for him. Harry had a crush on Cho Chang, a 5th year ravenclaw, annoyingly pretty, good at quidditch, popular and smart. I'd rather he liked Ginny than her. I bitched privately with Ginny about both girls, though never letting on that I also liked Harry! I let Ginny think I was only in love with Ron. It was easy to always support Ginny's love for Harry, despite my feelings, as I had the choice of both boys, but Ginny only Harry, seeing as Ron was her brother!
I kept hoping that Ron would come to his senses, ask me to the ball, and that Ginny could go with Harry. But the date grew nearer and there was still no sign from either boy that they had any intention to ask us. So when Victor Krum approached me one afternoon in the library (shyly for such a strong minded person) and asked me to the ball, I was flattered! I mean, come on, he was a world famous Quidditch player! Maybe not one of the handsomest and attractive wizards, but at least he'd noticed I was a girl! So I accepted, both of us agreeing to keep it a secret, as there were plenty of girls in Hogwarts that would kill me to go with Krum to the ball, and also to prevent teasing from my immature but gorgeous and loyal best friends!
Anyway, typical Ronald decided to ask me right at the last minute, when turned down by the glamorous Fleur and feeling desperate for a partner. He asked in the most insensitive way possible! At the time I thought he didn't even feel attracted to me, only wanted to look good at the ball, though now I know better. Poor Ginny accepted Neville, only to be asked by Ron to go with Harry after Cho turned him down! So both of us missed chances with our loves through their asking us as a last resort. The stunning and lucky twins, Parvati and Padma Patil ended up with Harry and Ron as partners in the end. By pure last minute pick. They were very high and mighty about it, especially Parvati, who had a crush on Harry, but I didn't care, knowing the truth of the matter!
I never did understand Ron's stupid and seemingly jealous reaction to Krum taking me to the ball, which ruined the whole evening. Ginny said it was because he wanted to go with me, but I refused to believe he liked me, it seemed impossible. His reaction really upset me and we didn't talk for ages after. Often these days I think back, and wonder what would have happened if Ron had asked me to the ball, maybe I wouldn't have given up on him so easily, as I did for the whole of 5th year, or maybe we'd have split up, and I wouldn't be with him now…I'll never know. But when Harry came out of the maze after the last task, clutching Cedric's dead body, I knew I cared more about him than anyone else in the world and I was so proud of how he had fought Voldemort again, how he coped. But I couldn't say anything, only comfort him as a friend. It pained me to see him go out with Cho in 5th year, but I wanted him to be happy. I constantly had to cheer Ginny up, as well, as her decoy of going out with other boys couldn't help her over her love for Harry. By 6th year I realised that Harry was falling for her too, and hadn't the heart to intervene, I knew his love would mean more to Ginny than anything else she would ever have. So I turned my back on my feelings towards Harry for the happiness of both him and Ginny. When at the end of 6th year, Ron finally admitted to me that he loves me, I welcomed his affection, knowing it made him fully happy, and I do love him, very much…
A log in the fire slips, bringing me back to the present. Ginny and Harry are asleep in each others arms, bathed in the orange glow from the firelight. I tear my eyes away, pushing away the feelings of regret and sadness. Harry's happy, that's all that matters to me. I put my feelings behind me forever, keeping only treasured memories,
as although I love Harry, and always will, I can never tell anyone. To do anything about it would split the friendship between all four of us for ever…the circumstances would be worse than the pain of doing nothing, and too many hearts would be broken…
Ron kisses the top of my head, murmurs in my ear, 'I love you Hermione Granger.' I squeeze his hand, 'I know, Ron, honey. I love you too,' I reply, truthfully this time. And the warmth and happiness in his eyes and heart makes it all worth the while.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed reading this sad hermione one-shot! If you did, let me know by leaving a review! or even if you didn't, tell me why!
Rose :)