Past Tense
It started with a late homecoming. Blaine had been at the studio all day, recording and editing and rerecording and reediting until his eyes felt like rocks. He was just about to pack it in for the evening when he received word that his deadline had been pushed up by four days. He meant to call Kurt and let him know, he really did, but before he could find a spare minute, it was nearing midnight and his producer was forcibly shoving him out of the sound booth. He stumbled onto the subway and eventually made it home just before the clock struck one. He wanted nothing more than to kiss his sleeping daughter on the head and collapse into bed with his gorgeous husband.
What awaited him instead was unexpected. Kurt was sitting at the kitchen counter, just visible from the front door. He held a framed picture in his hand—Blaine recognized the macaroni frame Elizabeth constructed for Father's Day in preschool last year—and knew it was a family snapshot from their daughter's first trip to the Bronx Zoo. Blaine carefully set his portfolio of music and his keys on the table by the front entrance to the townhouse and made his way into the kitchen.
"Hey babe," Blaine said softly, not wanting to disturb the peaceful quiet of the house. "You shouldn't have waited up for me. I know you have that meeting with the editors tomorrow morning, and you should get your— "
"Where were you?"
The deadness of Kurt's voice brought Blaine up short. "The studio, where else would I have been?"
"Do you really want me to answer that?" Kurt had yet to look at him.
Blaine was trying with all his might not to get frustrated, but fuck he was tired. "Yes, Kurt, I really do. Where else would I be if I wasn't at the studio?"
"I don't know, maybe with that little somebody you're keeping on the side?!" Kurt finally turned to look at him, his piercing blue eyes shining with hurt and anger.
Blaine took a step backward as though he had physically been slapped. "With...what?"
"Oh yeah," Kurt snarled, "you think I don't know? You think I don't know about that intern you've got in the studio now, the one who you've been staying late every night to 'work with' since you hired him?"
Blaine's tired mind tried to work through the shock and the fatigue to figure out what the hell Kurt was talking about. "You mean Jeremy?" Kurt just stared stonily, arms crossed tightly against his chest. "Kurt, I haven't said more than two words to Jeremy since they hired him two weeks ago—and I say theyhired him because I had no part in that process. I think he's working up in admin, where I rarely go. Wait, how do you even know about this guy anyway?"
Kurt's eyes narrowed further. "Two weeks ago I dropped off your portfolio after you forgot it here, remember?" Blaine nodded warily. "Well I overheard that...intern telling someone that he thinks he only got the job because someone named Anderson thinks he's hot. Every since then you've been working later and later, and tonight you come home at one in the fucking morning—"
"So that must mean I'm cheating on you?!" Blaine burst out. "Because there's no other explanation for my working late than I'm fucking some intern whose last name I don't actually know! It couldn't be that I have a deadline for this album that keeps getting pushed up and only half an editing team since Maggie's on maternity leave and Carter's still got the flu! It can't be because I'm trying to produce my first full studio album and I'm fucking stressed as hell about it and I keep rerecording every song because I can't get just the right sound and it's driving me crazy! That would be absurd!"
"Don't mock me!" Kurt snapped. "I have every right to be suspicious."
"And why's that?"
"BECAUSE YOU CHEATED ON ME ONCE, WHO'S TO SAY YOU WON'T DO IT AGAIN?!"
Blaine imagined being socked in the stomach would hurt less than those words did. He took another staggering step back and whispered, "I can't believe you just said that to me."
A flash of regret flickered across Kurt's face, but was quickly replaced by a flash of disapproval. "You haven't denied it."
"I can't believe I have to." Kurt opened his mouth hotly, but Blaine cut across him. "No, you know what? I don't have to. I can't believe I—it's been over a decade, Kurt! You promise—you promised when you took me back that I wouldn't have to keep apologizing for this! You promised me that I was forgiven and that you'd never hold that mistake against me! I made the worst decision of my life over ten years ago. When are you going to let me move on?"
"I had moved on! Until you started fucking that kid from admin!"
"I'm not fucking anyone! Hell, I barely have time to fuck you anymore! Kurt, we have both been unfaithful before." Kurt started to argue again, but Blaine wouldn't let him. "When I got scared and tried to cut you out of my life, you felt worthless, so you sought an emotional connection with a guy you barely knew. When you got busy and cut me out of your life, I felt worthless, so I sought a physical connection with a guy I barely knew. I don't see why either one of us is more guilty than the other."
"At least I didn't fuck Chandler!"
"At least I felt remorse and admitted I was wrong!"
"Oh screw you!"
"Fine then," Blaine spat. "I don't have to take this shit from the one person who should love me no matter what. I'm going back to work." He spun around and stalked back to the door.
"That's right!" Kurt called after him. "Back to your lover's arms!"
Blaine had his hand on the doorknob when a tiny voice behind him caused him to freeze. "Papa?"
He slowly turned around. He could see Kurt's shocked face from the little hall to the kitchen, and at the top of the staircase next to him, their five-year-old daughter stood clutching Mr. Arnstein, her teddy bear. Blaine carefully approached the bottom stair. "Hey, angel," he said softly. "Did Daddy and I wake you up?"
In lieu of an answer, Elizabeth squeezed her bear even tighter. "Papa, are you and Daddy getting a divorce?"
Blaine's eyes flashed to Kurt's, which were wide and shining. They returned to Lizzie, who was peering back with carbon-copy eyes. Blaine ascended the staircase and gently scooped his little girl into his arms. He then carried her down into the living room, where he set her on the sofa and perched beside her. Kurt quickly settled on her other side.
"Sweetie..." Blaine began roughly, "...your daddy and I just got into a fight. It was a pretty bad one, and both of us said things we shouldn't have, and we're going to have to talk for a long time before things are okay again. But nothing, nothing, is going to make us get a divorce."
"Who told you about divorces?" Kurt asked. None of their friends had gotten a divorce.
Lizzie hugged Mr. Arnstein to her chest. "My friend Connie's mommy and daddy are getting divorced. Connie said they fought a lot before her daddy left. She's really sad about it. But that's not gonna happen to you two, right?"
Kurt pulled his daughter to his chest and then grabbed his husband's hand to pull him in too. The three of them sat there for quite a while, breathing and crying and healing and living as one. Then Kurt released Lizzie and looked her in the eye. "Now you listen to me, Elizabeth Cooper Anderson-Hummel. Your papa and I love each other very much. Daddy just said some...very wrong things, and he hurt Papa's feelings, and it's going to take time, but nothing is going to happen to this family, got it?" The little girl nodded.
"And angel?" Lizzie turned to look at her other father. "If you ever need to talk about anything, no matter what, you can come to us. Always. We will never, ever, stop loving you."
"Even if I don't do a good job on my alphabet quiz next week?"
"Even if you don't do a good job on your alphabet quiz next week."
"But we'll help you study for that," Kurt interjected.
"C'mere." Blaine stood and picked Lizzie up again. She clung to his front like a koala as he carried her up the stairs again, Kurt right behind them. Blaine laid the girl in her Disney princess bed, and both fathers sat on either side of her. They softly sang old lullabies together until she was asleep again, and once she was, they kissed her forehead.
Five minutes later, both men were seated across from each other at the kitchen counter, mugs of coffee in hand and wearing pajamas. Blaine had texted his coworkers to let them know he would be taking the next day (or rather the rest of that day) off. He and Kurt needed to have a serious discussion, and after they got some sleep, they needed to have some serious family time.
"Can I go first?" Kurt asked. When Blaine motioned for him to continue, he began. "I'm sorry. I'm so unbelievably sorry. Nothing I said to you tonight was in any was acceptable. I...crossed so many lines, it was like I was back on the football field...even though I never actually ran while on the team...not the point. I should never have accused you...god, of cheating, of all things, and I should never have brought up your past. Our past. That part of our past. It was ugly and cruel and awful of me, and all I can say is I'm sorry."
By the end of Kurt's apology, tears shone in Blaine's eyes. He took an unsteady sip of his coffee and let out a shaky breath. "It just...it feels like you never really forgave me for Eli. Like you've been waiting for me to screw up again all these years, like you haven't trusted me since you walked away in Battery Park. Do you...do you know how that feels? To love someone, to love someone so deeply it hurts sometimes to look at him, to marry him, to work every day to give him the best life you can, to create with him the most beautiful child ever seen, only to find out he didn't trust you to be good enough, to love him enough to stay faithful? It's hell, Kurt. Hell.
"I know I screwed up with Eli. Fuck, you think I don't know that? You think I don't have nightmares about the time I left some stranger's house feeling like the biggest pile of shit there ever was? You think I don't close my eyes and see the look on your face when your heart was shattering because of something Idid? I do, Kurt, and I always will.
"But I thought...I hoped you would have moved on, so I could too. I thought you forgave me, I thought you realized how much I fucking love you. But when you throw it in my face in the middle of an argument, especially when I've done nothingwrong...words can't describe how much that hurt, Kurt.
"But I should apologize too. I should never have retaliated by bringing up Chandler. I pushed you away for foolish reasons that year, and even though what you did was wrong, I understand that you felt unloved, and you needed the connection you weren't getting from me."
"But I did the same thing!" Kurt exclaimed. "I cut you out too because I thought you wouldn't be as enthusiastic about my new New York high life, and because I was afraid of being less...mature if I had a boyfriend in high school in Ohio. That doesn't excuse what you did, but it does mean that you're not that only one to blame for this mess."
Both men took sips of their coffee, and then Blaine asked, "So what about tonight?"
Kurt sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. "I didn't think you were cheating, Blaine. Not really. Maybe, on the surface, I was worried you had, but...I really do trust you, Blaine. I had a bad day, a really bad day, and all of a sudden it's after midnight and you're not home and Lizzie is asleep and all I could think was, Is he happy? Is this the life he wanted with me? Is he looking for something else? I guess my mind jumped from there to...he's cheating."
Blaine stood up and walked around the counter. He wrapped his arms so tightly around Kurt that he lifted the older man right out of his chair. "I'm happy, Kurt," he whispered. "I'm so, so happy. I love you and I love our daughter and I love my job even though it keeps me away from you for too long sometimes and I love this house and I am happy. I could never, ever imagine us living a different life. I wouldn't want to. What we have together is absolutely perfect."
So the two men held each other and cried, standing in the kitchen at 2:34 in the morning in their pajamas. They stood like that for a long time, until the hour hand passed three. Then they walked hand-in-hand up to bed. Tomorrow they would sleep in, and eat a good brunch with their baby girl, and maybe go to the park or watch some movies or pay a few board games, and be family.
It would take time, but everything would work out perfectly. If always did.
HERE HAVE SOME ANGST.
I don't really have much to say here, except NEW PEN NAME YAYYYYY!
God I need Klaine to get back together already.
PERSONAL TUMBLR: nothingbutgoneness (THIS CHANGED TOO!)
FANFICTION TUMBLR: kqwriting
FANFICTION BANK TUMBLR: klaineficneeds