Author's Notes: It should be pretty easy to figure out which parts of this I don't own. The location of the tavern this story is in doesn't matter - it's just a tavern. Also, this is ridiculously over the top and strange, so if that's not your brand of humor, you are invited to click the Back button.
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Talias Gallaher - rogue, Kalach-Cha, and self-proclaimed ladies' man - sat at a battered wooden tavern table, leaning back on his rickety tavern chair. There was absolutely nothing to worry about at this point - sure, there were some minor things Moire wanted him to do, but nothing urgent. Nothing she'd kill him for putting off. In his mind, she'd given him permission to hang out in the tavern. Of course, Moire did a lot of things in Talias's mind; things she'd probably gut him for even imagining.
He sat back and thought cozy rogue thoughts, free from duties and worries. He didn't have to even think about watching any of his companions, because he knew where they were. Khelgar was arm wrestling with a surprisingly scrawny man, Neeshka was excitedly chatting up one of the patrons, and Elanee was sitting across from him, looking more uncomfortable by the minute. Talias had thought of asking her a mildly provocative question, but each time he did, she shot him a chilling glance. It was like she could read his thoughts - which was clearly an elven thing, because every elf he met seemed to know what he was thinking.
Talias continued to stare at Elanee, and Elanee continued to stare at the ceiling. Things were going well - if not a bit awkward - up until Khelgar's opponent smashed his face into the table.
Khelgar screamed out loud, more from rage than pain. "What in the Hells was that for, lad?!" He would have punched his attacker, except that he was unable to use his arms.
The scrawny man laughed, tossing his head back. With a flick of his wrist, Khelgar's now-empty tankard slid across the table and crashed into the dwarf's head. Repeatedly. For some reason, it was making an odd bonk sound.
Damn wizards, Talias thought. Think they can do everything with their fancy magic. "Hey!" he shouted, jumping up from his seat. "That's my dwarf!"
"Oh, is he really?" sneered the wizard. "Well, you can take him!"
Elanee saw what was coming next, and immediately ducked behind another table. Talias didn't have time to figure it out before he was suddenly hit by a few hundred pounds of flying dwarf. He crashed into his chair, which broke, sending him toppling into the table, which tipped over with a resounding crash.
All of Talias's witty retorts were blocked by an overwhelming Ohgodsohgodsohgods that really hurts I think I'm going to throw up oh gods that hurts oh gods oh gods
Elanee came rushing forward, a panicked expression on her face that somehow managed to look calm at the same time. "Talias! Are you okay?"
He could only moan in reply, along with something that sounded like "Geddisdorfofme."
"He says to get the dwarf off him, lass," the wizard said matter-of-factly, flicking a few splinters of wood in Elanee's direction.
Just then, Neeshka snarled and slapped the man she was talking to across the face.
"Ouch!" he exclaimed, leaping backward. "What was that for?"
She folded her arms, indignant. "My tail is reserved!" she shouted. "Reserved!"
"I was aiming for your coin purse, lady," the man muttered.
Neeshka blinked, taking a few steps forward. "Oh. Well, in that case..."
She slapped him again.
"That's for trying to steal my money," she growled, kicking him hard in the shin.
As Elanee was trying to lift a stunned Khelgar off Talias, and dodging splinters of various sizes, the wizard snapped his fingers. The cracks in the floorboards began to glow a bright purple color, and a gargoyle burst out of the floor, spraying stone fragments and wood everywhere. It made a beeline for Neeshka, screeching all the way.
The other patrons all stared at each other for a moment, then shoved their chairs aside and scattered every which way. Some of them went to help Elanee or Neeshka. A few went to aid the wizard. Most of them just started smashing things, a great deal of them being furniture.
With the combined effort of Elanee's magic and the strength of eleven men, Khelgar was lifted and unceremoniously dumped onto the tavern floor. Talias was finally free, but he didn't have much time to celebrate - the wizard promptly tied him to an empty table with four thick, rubbery black tentacles.
"Oh, come on," he protested. "Even Qara knows that's not what the spell does!"
The wizard raised an eyebrow, puzzled. "Really? It's not?"
"No, it's supposed to hurt a lot m--" He'd realized his mistake too late. The tentacles began slapping him this way and that, bludgeoning him in ways that would leave ugly marks in the morning. He tried to scream, but one of the tentacles lodged itself in his mouth. It tasted like chocolate cake, except that the baker had confused the salt with the sugar. Now Talias really wanted to scream.
The gargoyle was scraping at Neeshka's armor with its talons, and Neeshka's helpers were scraping at the gargoyle's armor with their weapons. The only real difference was that the gargoyle was winning. The man she'd been talking to earlier wasn't sure who he wanted to win.
Khelgar's arm twitched, and his fingers started groping for some kind of weapon. He curled his hand around a decent-sized chair leg, slowly pushing himself up with the other hand.
"All right," he roared, swaying as he finally got to his feet, "who wants some action?!" He leaped onto the edge of a tipped-over table with surprising agility, causing it to roll forward like a giant wheel. Khelgar had to run faster than he ever had just to stay on top.
The wizard's jaw dropped as he was run over by the table-wheel.
Unfortunately, turning the wheel was a highly difficult task that he couldn't manage, and so Khelgar ended up smashing the table into the wall, falling off as a result.
Elanee was summoning badgers left and right, even though they kept on getting trampled. The gargoyle had taken Neeshka's rapier and was flying around the room with it, making horrible shrieking sounds.
Fortunately for Talias, the tentacles withered and died, no longer powered by their master. As the last of them faded away, he called out... for healing?
"Elanee!" he screamed, half from pain and half from desperation. "Hit me with a Cure Serious Wounds!"
She paused in her summoning, turned to him with a look of concern on her face, and... set a badger loose on him.
"Where did I say badger?!" he demanded, trying to fight off the small furry creature with a short sword. "How do you confuse healing and badger, Elanee?"
"I'm sorry," she said frantically, casting something else. This time it came out as Entangle. The good thing was, the badger couldn't move. The bad thing was, neither could Talias.
"Screw this," Talias scoffed, tossing the short sword over his shoulder. The blade sank into the gargoyle's stomach, and it automatically released Neeshka's rapier while it screeched.
Neeshka ran forward and caught it, whirling around and pointing it at the wizard's allies. They scratched their heads, confused.
"I think, uh, you're supposed to hold the other end," one of them said.
"Oh," Neeshka said, noticing she was holding the blade instead of the hilt. Flipping it so she held the correct end, she pointed it at them once again. "Thank you."
"Hey, no problem," the second one said, drawing his weapon.
Khelgar picked himself up from the wreckage of the table-wheel and jumped into the fray, landing on the summoned badger. It gave a pained squeak and promptly died.
Elanee appeared beside him, lightning crackling in her hands.
Talias waved two broken table legs in the air, Entangle vines still coiled around his ankles. "Yaay. Go team."
The two allies of the wizard exchanged glances, nodding. They were surrounded, by heroes and common tavern brawlers alike. There was only one thing to do.
However, they didn't get to do it. The tavern's roof shattered, and lightning came down from the sky. Neeshka ran one of them through with her rapier, and Khelgar clubbed the other one into oblivion with the chair leg. Badgers nipped at their ankles. And, of course, there were the patrons.
Once all the fighting was over and done with, everyone turned to the bartender, who instantly fainted.
"But I wanted an ale," Talias whined.