A/N: The song is not mine but belongs to Celine Dion..or..who ever wrote it for her. this goes back to the good old days when Horatio'd been married once before Miss Delko came into the picture. Maybe some of the older fans (not in the type of age-old) still remember this particular interesting (at least for me) information in his first curriculum vitae. I mixed it up with the new version though.
Please enjoy.
Think Twice
Horatio opened his eyes slowly. Outside of the apartment he could hear the children laughing and yelling, telling him that it was afternoon already and that he needed to get out of his bed to get ready for his night shift. He could hardly recall when he'd come home this morning, all he knew was that all those long shifts were taking a toll on him.
Yawning, he turned around, facing the other, vacant side of the bed. The shifts were not only taking a toll on him, but on his relationship as well. Not going to bed together, not getting up together and having breakfast had almost come to a routine; a routine that he didn't know how to break through. A routine he had no idea of if there still was any need to break through.
Getting up, he slowly made his way into the bathroom. Looking at himself in the mirror, he couldn't help but wonder what had happened to him in the last couple of years. He looked old, even though he'd just celebrated his 30th birthday a couple of months ago. Carefully he ran his fingers over his face, smoothing away the fine wrinkles that were getting deeper by each day. Or that's at least how he felt.
Shaking his head at his reflection he sighed to himself. There was no need to complain about something he couldn't stop. But maybe a little less of stress would do him good. Snorting, he rolled his eyes and shed his clothes. No stress? In his line of work? No way. He couldn't think of any other city that could be as stressful as New York; well Los Angeles maybe or Las Vegas. But otherwise? Surely not. New York was known to be the city that never sleeps and this also referred to the crime.
Moaning softly when the hot water started to massage his stiff neck, he blindly reached for the washcloth. Being a homicide detective in New York surely was one hell of work. He loved his job with every fiber of his being, but sometimes he longed for this typical 8-5 kind of job.
Especially when it came to his marriage.
A few minutes later, he stood freshly shaved in front of his wardrobe and reached for one of his trademark suits. He was quite happy that he didn't have to wear a uniform any longer, but then again, those suits were just a different kind of uniform anyway. Deciding not to put on the jacket just yet, he hung it over a nearby chair and left the bedroom.
The apartment probably didn't look spacious for other people, but for someone who'd been born and raised in this city, it was almost like a palace. Rents were high, no matter where you lived, no matter how small the apartment was and he and his wife had been very lucky to find this one and made it theirs.
Reaching the kitchen, he heard faint noises of pots and pants being moved around. Looking at his watch he presumed that work hadn't been busy for her today, because normally she wouldn't be home until an hour or even later, which also meant that they didn't see each other during the day when he was working night shift. So seeing her today was a rare situation.
Opening the door, he leaned against the doorframe and watched her cooking. "Hey," he whispered in order not to scare her.
"Hey," she turned her head and gave him a small smile.
Don't think I can't feel that there's something wrong
It wasn't the same smile she'd given him at the beginning of their relationship, or when they'd been newlyweds. This one was different and he couldn't figure out if this was good or bad. Though intuition opted for the latter.
You've been the sweetest part of my life so long
They'd been those typical Highschool Sweethearts. A mutual friend of them had brought them together. They'd met on spring dance what seemed a life time ago. Horatio still couldn't believe that he had never seen her before in school. Surely, he was one year older, but still. He could still remember the dress she'd been wearing, the way she had pinned up her hair, the way her perfume had smelled when they'd danced for the first time and how good it had felt to have her in his arms. For Horatio it had been love at first sight
"You have time for an early supper?" her question interrupted his memories. Clearing his throat, he nodded and walked to their small breakfast table. Noticing that it had already been set, he sat down and poured them their drinks.
"You're home early," he stated and waited until she'd sat down opposite of him before he started to eat.
"I am," she nodded. "The day's been slow…"
Reaching for her hand, he squeezed it softly and smiled at her. "I certainly don't mind."
I look in your eyes, there's a distant light
He could still remember when her eyes had been sparkling in this wonderful crystal blue every time she'd seen him. He could still remember his heart beating so hard, that he'd feared that it would break out of his chest.
Her eyes weren't sparkling any longer.
His heart was still beating.
And you and I know there'll be a storm tonight
"Will I see you before I go to bed tonight?" she asked, already knowing his answer to that.
"No..," he said softly.
This is getting serious
"I see," she sighed and looked out of the window, not wanting to look at him right now.
Are you thinking 'bout you or us
Noticing the defeated look on her face, he had no one else to blame but himself. Of course she'd known about his profession, she'd known that his work was a huge part of his life. But this didn't give him the right to treat their relationships like this, did it?
Was there still a real relationship anyway?
He wanted to tell her that he was sorry for that. He wanted to make it up for her. He wanted to make it up for every single cancelled date over the years; for every Christmas that he had spent at the station instead of home; for every night they hadn't spent together.
Yet he didn't.
Even though he knew that the distance between them was becoming more and more apparent.
Don't say what you're about to say
Look back before you leave my life
Be sure before you close that door
Before you roll those dice
Baby think twice
"Horatio we need to talk."
"I know, and I'm-," he was interrupted by the telephone. "I'm sorry," he excused himself and stood up. It was highly possible that this was his partner, letting him know that he needed to come in a bit early.
"Caine?" he picked up the phone and listened to his partner's words. "I'll be there as soon as I can," he sighed and ended the call.
So much for spending a few more minutes with his wife.
So much for being able to talk.
So much for hoping against hope that they could still make it right.
Baby think twice for the sake of our love, for the memory
Walking back into the kitchen, he noticed that she'd already started to clean the table. His heart was breaking, seeing her like this.
He wanted to make this right. He wanted to show her how much she still meant to him. He wanted to fight for them. He wanted to show her that she needed to fight for them. He owed that himself and the teenager couple they once had been.
For the fire and the faith that was you and me
They'd had been inseparable from the day they'd met.
He'd always known where she was. She'd always known where he was.
If there'd been weekends' spent apart, they had made sure to call each other at least twice a day. Maybe more if they felt like it and lovesickness had been too much for them to bear.
He'd always had her back, no matter what. She'd always had his back, no matter what. Nothing and no one could have come between them.
Baby I know it ain't easy when your soul cries out for higher ground
'Coz when you're halfway up, you're always halfway down
But baby this is serious
Are you thinking 'bout you or us
"The station just called. I need to go," he told her and slipped into his jacket.
"Okay," she replied evenly. She'd heard this statement more than once over the years.
"Why don't we head down to Coney Island next weekend?" he suggested and wrapped his arms around her. He did his best to ignore her stiffening.
"Maybe," she replied and started to wash the dishes. "Be careful out there tonight." Even after all those years she was still afraid of something happening to him. New York could be quite a dangerous city at night; otherwise Horatio wouldn't have a job.
"I will," he sighed and kissed her hair. For a few moments he just savoured her smell before he let go of her again. "Wake me up when you leave for work."
"I will."
They both knew she wouldn't. They both knew that he wouldn't be home until then.
"Good," he nodded and checked if he had everything with him. "See ya later then."
"Goodbye, Horatio."
Not knowing how to interpret this answer, he just smiled. "I love you."
He left the apartment without waiting for her answer. He knew she wouldn't say it back.
They both knew that it would have been a lie.
Don't say what you're about to say
Look back before you leave my life
Be sure before you close that door
Before you roll those dice
When he came back the next day, she'd already left. The apartment didn't look any different than it had been for last couple of years, but he knew that something had dramatically changed.
Shedding of his jacket, he walked into the bedroom and immediately noticed the brown envelope on her side of the bed. Opening it, he closed his eyes after reading the first couple of words.
Don't do what you're about to do
Taking a deep breath he sat down and started to read again.
"I don't know when this had started to go wrong, but this is serious, Horatio. I can't go on living like this and therefore I decided to leave. You'll find everything you need in this envelope."
My everything depends on you
She'd been his first girlfriend, the first woman he'd ever opened up to. She'd been the first one he'd told about his family. She'd never looked any different at him. She'd given her best to heal the scars on his body. She'd given her best to heal the scars on his soul.
When he'd decided to go to college after finishing Police Academy, she had encouraged and supported him. She'd always been there for him. She'd been his wife, his best friend and his confident.
And whatever it takes, I'll sacrifice
And he would do anything to get her back. He would do anything to become this teenager couple again, to the day he had sworn his heart to this woman.
Before you roll those dice
Baby think twice
Reaching into the envelope again, he picked out a formal document.
Divorce
Maybe it had taken him too much time to think twice.
Maybe she hadn't taken enough time.
All he knew was that the dice was cast.
The End