A Day At Stalag 13
By
Jennaya
Disclaimer: As Schultz says: I own nothing about Hogan's Heroes and only like to take them out to play every now and then. This is my first attempt at something lighter.
A/N: After much alcohol and giggling late one night with my friend ColHogan, and the men of Barracks Two, the following silliness was a product of that night.
Schultz had just barged into barracks two a few minutes before, waking everyone up. Now the men were getting dressed for morning roll call. He smiled to himself, looking around at his barrack mates; they had no idea what the day had in store for them. Today was going to be a good day, for him at least, he chuckled to himself as he took his place in line for roll call.
Colonel Robert Hogan was the last man to enter the hut after roll call, "Kinch, why don't you see what London has for us this morning? LeBeau, what's for breakfast today? I'm starving."
Kinch answered his commanding officer affirmatively as he headed down into the tunnel to check in with London. The high command said they were working on something and would have the details this morning. For some reason, they had been more secretive than usual about this particular mission.
LeBeau picked out some ingredients for breakfast while the rest of the men started their morning rituals. Anderson was up first at the mirror shaving, while Newkirk brought over a bowl of fresh water. Next he went to get his hygiene kit out of his locker, but before he could get started LeBeau asked for his assistance in cutting some vegetables for the omelets he wanted to make. Laying his kit down, Newkirk took the onion and bell pepper to chop. He and LeBeau had gone to town yesterday shopping for groceries and brought back a variety of fresh foods.
"Merci, Newkirk," LeBeau said after the vegetables had been prepared and he handed Newkirk his kit.
"Just don't put any of that damn sauce crap from last night on my omelet," Newkirk answered walking over to the mirror.
"You English, you have no sense of taste. Béarnaise sauce is not used on eggs, de tels incompetents de nourriture," LeBeau grumbled while he started the first omelet.
"You tell him," Olsen stated standing behind their chef and smelling the food. He tried to sneak a piece of bell pepper, but LeBeau slapped his hand.
All the sudden everyone in the barracks heard Newkirk coughing and gagging as he yelled at LeBeau. "Why you little…" Newkirk started and then coughed again. "I'm going to kill you LeBeau!"
"What did I do?" LeBeau looked shocked not understanding what was happening. Newkirk stood in front of him angrily wanting to put his hands around the Frenchman's neck while he continued to yell at him.
At that moment Hogan came out of his office and in his best command voice asked, "What's going on out here?"
"LeBeau put that damn béarnaise sauce in my toothpaste!" Newkirk yelled holding up the tube.
"LeBeau, why did you do that?" Hogan asked shaking his head trying to hide his amusement.
"Mon Colonel, I didn't do it. I don't know anything about it!" LeBeau defended himself.
"Did I miss something?" Kinch asked coming up from the tunnel. Both LeBeau and Newkirk were talking at once getting louder and louder until Hogan yelled for them to shut up.
"LeBeau, leave Newkirk's toothpaste alone. Newkirk, get a new tube out of my quarters," Hogan ordered knowing today was going to be a long one if it's starting out like this. Both men tried to protest but he cut them off and separated them. "Kinch, what did London say?"
"A courier named Burkeman will be passing through our camp today, an old friend of Klink's it seems. He'll have some documents in his briefcase that he wants to get to London. Burkeman will make sure he leaves the case in Klink's safe while they have lunch, and we're to photograph them and send the information to London," Kinch answered watching Newkirk make angry faces at LeBeau.
"Okay, Newkirk and Carter will handle getting the stuff out of the safe and photographed. LeBeau, you're going to volunteer to cook lunch for them to make sure they stay occupied. Kinch, be ready to code it and send it to London this afternoon." Hogan gave out orders as he pushed Newkirk into his office to get a new tube of toothpaste, breaking up the enmity going on between the two men.
The men ate breakfast and the normal banter between them returned causing Hogan to relax a bit. Every year some prankster had pulled jokes on his team, but they never had figured out who it was. At least this year, it seemed to be just LeBeau pulling what he'd consider a normal gag. It kept the men busy and no one got hurt so he let them blow off steam any way they wanted too. He knew that Newkirk would get LeBeau somehow in the near future. There was never a dull moment around his men. I have other important things to keep me busy today, Hogan thought as he headed into his office plotting his next move.
Carter had KP this week so he assisted LeBeau with clearing and washing the dishes. As he finished the last of the breakfast dishes, he looked around and saw that everyone else had finished shaving and a spot at the mirror was free. So he took his place next to Kinch and started his morning ritual. Suddenly Kinch looked at him in shock, "Umm…Carter is that some type of new shaving cream?"
"No, it's the same bottle I've been using. Why?" The younger man asked before looking in the mirror. "Newkirk!!" He screamed trying to rub the blue ink off his face.
"What?" Newkirk answered innocently wondering what he did.
"Look at my face! This stuff doesn't come off easily and I'll be wearing it for a week," Carter threw back at him.
"I didn't have anything to do with it. I swear," Newkirk demanded angry that he was being falsely accused.
Hogan hearing the argument walked out of his office irately asking, "What's going on now?"
"Newkirk put that blue dye stuff in my shaving cream," Carter answered indignantly.
"Colonel, I didn't have anything to do with it," Newkirk protested.
"He was working with the dye last night and I saw him over near my stuff. He did this," Carter threw back.
"Okay, I've had enough of this! Whoever is playing the jokes, I want them stopped NOW! Do I make myself clear?" Hogan ordered this was getting out of hand fast. "And furthermore, I want the guilty party to step forward and take responsibility." Hogan looked around at all the faces of in the hut attempting to determine the guilty party. Nobody came clean. Nobody ever had in the past, and he didn't truly expect to find out who it was. Then he looked over at Kinch for his assistance; sometimes the men would confide in his second-in-command before they would him. Kinch shook his head no and shrugged his shoulders.
"Oh if they only knew, I'd be dead meat," he mused to himself with a straight face as he looked around at the men.