30 Ways To Meet Sure Death At The Hands Of Akimichi Chouji
1. Seat yourself on Chouji's shoulders and refuse to relocate yourself.
2. Do your best impression of the All American Rejects by singing "Dirty Little Secret" for four days straight.
3. At the local grocery store, have a coronary every time you see a carton of milk.
4. Dress up as one of the "Knights Who Say 'Ne' "from Monty Python And The Holy Grail, and follow him around, repeating the word "Ne" in an extremely high pitched tone.
5. Beat Shikamaru over the head with a stick of celery.
6. Walk up to Chouji. Draw back one fist, and punch him directly in the gut. Make your hand instantly rebound, and strike yourself in the face with twice the force of your original punch. Look at him with wide eyes for the rest of the day, and declare him "The Amazing Laffy Taffy Man".
7. Pretend to be one of the little singing puppets from 'Shrek'.
8. Pour ipecac over his favorite chips.
9. In a public place, loudly declare that his headband makes him look like he's wearing Ino's panties over his head.
10. Embroider little flowers on his scarf. Little pink flowers.
11. Send a love letter to Akatsuki's very own Uchiha Itachi stamped with feelings of the utmost, fluffy love, signed with Chouji's name.
12. Poke him in the head, and say "Chihuahua". Be sure to do this at least 38 times each hour.
13. Get the little wide-eyed Mexican guy from 30 Ways To Agitate Tsunade's wife and kids to follow Chouji around, staring at him.
14. Suggest in any way, shape, or form that he is fat.
15. Find a dead lizard, one that has preferably been sitting in the baking sun for an excess of 10 hours. Hold it by the tail, and repeatedly shove it into Chouji's face, declaring that "IT LOVES YOU, CHOUJI!"
16. Dress as a nun, and attempt to 'fly' off of the roof of a building.
17. Procure a tin of corned beef hash. Find a high-power electric fan. Stand directly in front of the device with Chouji beside you, and throw the meat directly into the blades.
18. Declare it "Dress-up-as-an-OBG/YN" day, and go about your day dressed as though you've just stepped out of a maternity ward.
19. (If you are a guy) : Sidle towards Chouji while he's having lunch with his squad. Demurely stutter out that "you missed your last period", and that you two are pregnant. This method of annoyance is especially agitating if you have never seen/spoken to Chouji prior to this announcement.
20. Hug him.
21. Tightly.
22. Somehow convince a local farmer to unload a truckload of steer manure- directly though his bedroom window.
23. Tie Kabuto to a pole in front of his and his father's house. Holding a spear, screech at anybody who dares walk up the sidewalk, and perform a cannibalistic ritual around poor Kabuto.
24. Assume a few multiple personalities, including a 67 year-old man who never stops complaining about hemmarhoids, a QVC saleswoman hawking imitation gems, and a talking Bearded Collie. Cycle between them rapidly and rather often.
25. Declare unbridled love and adoration for Hatake Kato, and spend your days obsessively reading Khazia's series about her.
26. At Chouji's favorite barbecue restaurant, leap onto the tabletop and begin playing Dance Dance Revolution- without a DDR machine.
27. Whack Ino in the back of the head with a shovel; when she turns around to disperse justice, place the offending gardening tool in Chouji's hands.
28. Find a dead possum near a busy highway, preferably one that has been partially dismembered by various birds of prey. Place it in Chouji's underwear drawer.
29. Make up a parody of 'Which Backstreet Boy Is Gay?', by the Backstreet Boys, that goes along the lines of, "-One fat kid is thaaaaaat way- Weeee all know Chooouuuji's gay; Tell me why! Ain't sayin' he likes Shiiiika! Tell me why! Ain't sayin' he likes Saaaasuke! Tell me why! Ain't sayin' he likes Rooock Lee! I think it's pretty obvious… Weee all know, Chooouji's gay!".
30. Place childproof locks on the kitchen pantry, therefore restricting access to his beloved potato chips.
Chouji's Reaction:
"Nobody's taking my potato chips!" was the first thing our overweight Genin said, before crushing the coveted bag to his fleshy chest and stuffing a handful of salty goodness into his mouth. In the computer chair beside him, Ino was pressing a cold compress to the knot forming on Shikamaru's forehead from the elfin creatures in the recent annoyance fic centric to the lazy genius. He moaned slightly, and Ino pressed a hand to her teammate's chest to keep him from slumping onto the computer desk. She glared at his glassy expression, while Chouji continued to munch at a fevered rate.
"The girl writing these stories has got something wrong with her in the head." she retorted, pursing her lips as if she'd been fed on crab apples for a month. She could be chasing after Sasuke with half of the teenaged populace of Konohagakure, but no- she was here, pulling Shikamaru through a concussion. All because of that damned HarvestMoonRacoon. Didn't that retard realize that her name wasn't spelled correctly? Hellooo? Even Ino knew that there were two c's in "raccoon". Coupled with the fact that she spent actual time from her life thinking of ways to annoy people, that really didn't speak highly of the girl's I.Q rate.
Chouji nodded his approval, before tilting the plastic bag over his head and slurping the salt from the creases of the container. Ino winced in disgust, but crankily continued her nursing of Shikamaru, lightly dabbing the ice pack against the ugly welts across his forehead.
"I'd like to give that bitch a piece of my mind. She needs to get a life, and quit this whole 'annoyance business." she huffed, thinking of a perfectly good day of stalking her Uchiha crush down the drain, because Shikamaru was poking around on the internet, and got attacked by elves.
"You can." Chouji answered detachedly, rolling the computer mouse across it's pad and clicking on the link to HMR-Chan's profile. "Just click the "Private Message" button, as far as I see."
"Perfect!" Ino screeched, and twisted the chair to face the monitor. Shikamaru flopped forward, and landed flat on his face on the floor. His devoted caregiver didn't seem to give any notice, hungrily clicking the link and ignoring the fact that he was drooling on her sandals.
"Crap. 'You must be logged in to access the Private Messaging feature'." Ino listed, tapping her nails against the top of the wooden computer desk. "And, we don't have an account on here."
"So- let's get one. Nobody fictionally steals my chips and frickin' gets away with it." Chouji affirmed, nodding and crunching the plastic bag to his chest in a motherly gesture.
Ino silently selected the "Register" link, and waited for the page to load. HMR was about to get hit from both directions. Tenten, Deidara, and the rest of the Gai cell were rapidly approaching the girl's home, and Ino, Chouji, and a half-dead Shikamaru were sending her a flame via the website she positively adores. Heaven help her when she opened her inbox the next morning…