21/03/09
Grr. I can't believe she would do that… again. And with him… again. Argh. She is so irritating. Just when I think everything is going perfectly, this happens… again. I cant believe that I could have been so stupid and not seen this coming… again.
What does she see in him anyway? I mean firstly he is a guy. Now call me crazy but I was under the impression that the meaning of the word "lesbian" was a girl being into a girl. Clearly they have either changed the meaning on me or she lied about who she really is. Anyway besides that fact of him being a guy, he is also the biggest douche around.
Now you may be wondering what it is that she has done … AGAIN … that has made me so upset. Well I will tell you. So we were at the movies tonight and we were making out in the back row like we usually do. So anyway we were getting pretty hot and heavy, like we usually do, and just as we were getting really into it, the girl sitting two rows in front of us turns to us, well her specifically, and says "Weren't you here last week doing the same thing with that totally hot guy?" Now this has happened many times before so I should have expected the feeling that usually came with finding out = jealousy, hurt, sadness, anger. However, the emotion I wasn't expecting was disgust – disgust at her for doing this to me… again, and also disgust at myself for not saying those three words back to her which would stop her from seeking him out to make me admit how I feel. Argh. Now I hate us both.
26/06/09
So, I was just reading over some old journal entries, trying to get back into things, and I stumbled across this one. This happened about three months ago and it was the last time I wrote in my journal. You see, I used to write in my journal about us (me and her as lovers and best friends) and my music, whether I was writing songs or just random thoughts I could turn into something more, but since that night I haven't been able to. I don't know why I'm starting to write again but I guess I just feel like now I can move on and try and build a new life.
'Why now?' you might be asking and that is a good question, one which I don't even know the answer too, but I guess seeing as how today is the three month anniversary since that night, it seemed as good a time as any to pick up writing again. You are probably also wondering what happened that night that could cause me to stop writing. Well, I will tell you.
So, as you have probably guessed we got into a fight over her repeated infidelities, although nothing more was said about it. I dropped her home and continued on to my house. I got in the shower to rinse of our fight and after about 30 minutes I went back down stairs and turned on the television hoping for some tacky reality show to fall asleep watching. However, what I saw shook me to the core. There on the television screen was "Breaking News: 1 killed in horrific drunken crash." She had been with him at the time, seeking comfort for the fight we had just had. They were driving and as they were turning at the lights a drunk driver ran a red and ploughed into her side of the car. She was killed on impact and he was taken to hospital with a concussion. The drunk driver walked away relatively unscathed. I couldn't believe that the last thing I had said to her was how I didn't want to be her friend any more and how much I hated her. I couldn't believe that the last time I had seen her we had been fighting. I didn't even get to tell her I loved her.
Four days later, they had her funeral. He wasn't there thank goodness. I don't know what I would have done to him if he was there. I hated the funeral. Her mum and dad were there as were her two brothers. They all looked so broken, like they had lost a piece of themselves, which I guess, in a way they had. Her funeral was so sad, all our friends were there. She was so well liked by everyone. No one could believe she was gone. Even though they didn't approve of us being together, her parents asked me to say something at her funeral. I had never really been good at writing speeches, so instead I performed a song which I had written about two weeks before she died.
We'll do it all We don't need If I lay here I don't quite know Those three words If I lay here Forget what we're told Let's waste time I need your grace If I lay here Forget what we're told All that I am I don't know where If I lay here
Everything
On our own
Anything
Or anyone
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
How to say
How I feel
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life
Chasing cars
Around our heads
To remind me
To find my own
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
She was always a big supporter of my music so I thought that I would sing something which would make it feel special. I remember everyone being in tears by the end of the song. Once I had finished, I said what I had been meaning to say since I first met her. I looked to where she was being laid to rest and whispered "I love you so much, Spencer Carlin." Looking back now, I don't know why I found those words so hard to say to her. They turned out to be the easiest words I had ever said.
1 year after Spencer's death
Chelsea, Ashley's roommate and Spencer's brother's girlfriend of three years, came home late from art class on the anniversary of Spencer's death because painting always helped to ease her pain. Chelsea had been close to Spencer and it had devastated her when her best friend had died. She walked into her and Ashley's apartment expecting to find the still-broken girl crying on the couch eating ice cream whilst watching sad movies, or just pining over old photos of Spencer. However all Chelsea came home to find was pages from Ashley's journal and a separate note which read.
"Chelsea,
I can't believe it has been a year since she died. I thought it would get easier but it only gets more difficult as each day goes on. I miss her so much. She was my best friend and the love of my life.
I have been thinking about this for a while now and am finally ready to go through with it. Like my song from her funeral said we can now finally lie together and "just forget the world."
Don't be mad, you know I love you and I know this will be hard on you, but please understand that I have to do this because I finally realise my life isn't worth living without her to live it with me
Always, Ashley"
Chelsea was shocked by what she found but she did understand why Ashley did what she did because she had been witness to the daily struggles that her best friend had faced.
A week later
So, Chelsea is here in this graveyard… again, with the people from a year ago, to lay to rest her best friend… again. Chelsea and everybody else have accepted Ashley's decision and have now gathered together to celebrate her life, like they had done for Spencer a year earlier. When the time came for her to make her speech, Chelsea had no idea what to say, so instead she put a CD into the player and let the words Ashley had sung at Spencer's funeral be heard. Once again everyone was crying. When the song was finished, Chelsea said, "I dedicate that to Ashley Davies: a loyal friend, a loving girlfriend and a remarkable musician."
At the conclusion of the service, Chelsea was the last one to leave. She had wanted to be the last one there so she could look at the gravestones of her two best friends. They were resting side by side and Chelsea chuckled quietly to herself thinking that this was what Ashley had wanted: to lay with her girlfriend and just forget the world.
Before leaving the cemetery, Chelsea took one last look at the tombstones of her best friends. They read:
Spencer Elizabeth Carlin ~ 17/10/1986 – 21/03/2009 ~ Beautiful Eyes, Beautiful Smile,
Beautiful Soul. You loved everyone you met. You will be sadly missed
Ashley Louise Davies ~ 08/05/1986 – 21/03/2010 ~ Loyal friend, loving girlfriend,
remarkable musician. You will be sadly missed
She left knowing that her friends were together again in heaven and that they truly would get their happy ending. She found happiness in that fact that Spencer and Ashley had each other no matter what.
A/N – Sorry this was kind of long. Once I started writing I just couldn't stop. This was definitely not where I was expecting this story to go but I am quite happy with the way it turned out. This is my first ever fanfic so reviews/critiques would be awesome. Once again thanks heaps for reading and let me know what you think.
Disclaimer – I do not own South of Nowhere or "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. All rights go to the owners.
Lyrics – "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol