Years have passed since those times. Those times full of painful memories. His face, his voice, his goodbye, it was all so horrific. Now, those memories have faded away into silent images in my deepest dreams. I have taught myself to remember no emotion, no love for him. Erik, the bearer of love, the father of music. I loved him, and to this day I know I made the wrong choice, for me. For Raoul, it was the right choice, for the rest of the Paris; of the world it was the right choice. If I were to wed Erik, the world would be turned upside down with his work, with his music.
I thought the pain was over, just as the days dragged on and his face faded into the distance. Yes, I wanted his voice to remain but without the burden there was no gift. I could not have one without the other. But I let them both go, all for the luxury filled life I live today. But what drives me, like an untouchable force, to write all this down is the unexpected, painful event that occurred today. The thing unspeakable, so unspeakable that I have to write it, for fear that I would drop dead in disbelief if I were to speak his name once more.
I was taking my everyday walk in the park, with my loyal poodle at my side. My dear, sweet poodle, only she knows my confessions. My secret love for Erik, she is the only being that shall know that secret. Some may know it, sense it deep within themselves, but she will be the only one who shall hear me confess it. Her golden leash hung from her neck and traveled up to my hand, were I held it tightly within my frail hand. So tightly, that my hand had taken a red-like white coloration. The peaceful afternoon breeze was wiping against my face, kissing it gently. It forced my hair upwards, so I looked like medusa with wild, grey snakes in my hair. Squirrels played beside me in the grass, hoping upon each other lovingly while nipping at each other's tails. Oh sweet animals, if love were only that easy. I thought to myself.
This day seemed invincible, with the perfect breeze, the sun shining compassionately upon my pale skin. I searched for a bench to rest and found one right away. I sat quickly and slipped off the silken gloves that covered my hands. Hurriedly I tied my poodle's leash to the bench. I set the gloves beside me, and then searched the passing people. I often loved doing this, one can tell so much just from people's movements. For instance, one couple, walking hand in hand and arm in arm, strolled past me. The woman clung to him with ultimate love, she was ready for marriage, ready to bare children for this man. But he, he was not. He carefully pulled away, only noticeable by the watching. Still the woman insisted to cuddle, but eventually gave way to his inability to do the same. I let a snicker escape my lips, and turned my head the other way. I felt guilty for invading their private life, but not guilty enough to stop invading other's.
But as I searched for another person, another couple I saw something, someone that I had wished never to see again in my short life. I saw him. He was carefully examining two songbirds. The birds were in chorus, singing a song of love together. They intertwined as they flew about in the clear blue sky. His face was still covered by the same white mask, but his hood covered it with darkness. The perfect symbolism. If one were to look at this man, they would see an old gentleman, fearful of the blazing sun. But as I looked at him I saw a compassionate monster, a genius trapped within himself. Immediately I realized my lack of breathing and gasped.
I knew I could not avoid this awkward meeting, so silently I stood, determined to speak to him. "no." I whispered, sitting back down. I was not afraid of him, I was more afraid of myself, of what I would do. I was with Raoul now, and I was happy. Yes, happy, that is what I had brainwashed myself into saying. Indeed happy, I had not known such a thing since I heard him sing. I had not experienced joy since him.
I stood once more, this time reaching down to untie my poodle. Carefully, I slid the silk gloves back upon my hands and took the leash into my tiny hands. I sighed in disbelief, in attempt to gain more bravery. It worked, momentarily and I took a couple heavy, shuffling steps towards his direction. He was still obliviously watching the songbirds and this amused me slightly. I giggled, and my steps lightened. Before I could realize I was floating closer and closer to him, until finally I reached him. I outstretched my trembling arm in attempts to tap him on the shoulder. He still had no idea I was behind him, and I let my arm fall to my side. I could not do it, I could not speak to him again. As my arm fell to my side, a loud slapping sound erupted from me hitting my leg.
With one swift motion, he turned around, a look of surprise, of disbelief swept over his face. "Erik-" I silently whispered, not really to him, but to myself. He said nothing, merely looked at me. He no longer tried to hide his face like before, he let the sunlight hit it fully. Perhaps he was to struck with fear to realize he was doing so.
Carefully he raised his hand to touch my cheek. I flinched at his cold touch, and looked down from his face to his black dress shoes. "Still flawless." He said, dropping his hand slowly. I laughed a little and raised my head to stare into his eyes. Still vast pastures of brilliant green, littered with yellow daises.
"What are you-" He began, but then dropped his words on account of me caressing his face. I hushed him and took his arm. We traveled over to the bench and took a seat.
"How have you been?" I asked, as if he was a long lost friend, not really lost but just misplaced. This shocked him, and he regained his posture and spoke quietly, under his breath really.
"Just fine, Christine." As he spoke my name, it seemed painful for him. "And you?" He said looking up in my direction. He was in great pain, as well as I, but his presence said nothing but the pain he was in.
"To tell the truth, I have been-" I stopped, realizing my unwilling confession to him. "well." I ended with a lie. "Where have you been? Here all the time? Did you leave?" I felt ashamed at asking all these pointless questions when truly all I wished for was his song, his touch of cold ice.
"Well, when I-" he stuttered slightly and continued. "-left, I went immediately to Persia to visit some old friends." I saw a tear fall upon his leather glove. Seeming instinctively, I grabbed his hand and rubbed it gently with my thumb. "I cannot do this, Christine." He said slowly raising his tear streaked face up to face my own tear filled eyes.
"Then do not, Erik, do not hold back what we both have since the start." I took him in my arms and we both drowned deeply within our tears.
No, I know what you are thinking, we did not leave together. I simply told him that I could not leave Raoul, and that this was impossible. He agreed and we went on our way. I bet the old lady across from us felt guilty as she peered into our personal life.