Once More With Feeling
Every morning, Medic woke up to the sweet cooing of his beloved birds. Sometimes Archimedes would poke his cheek affectionately, and he would laugh and scold the little rascal gently. Then he would get up, open the window of whatever room in whatever base RED had assigned him this time, and let the sunrays and fresh morning breeze chase his sleepiness away and invigorate him.
"**** MAGGOTS! I'M GOING TO **** AND **** YOU IN A **** WITH A **** ON A **** AND A DOUBLE SIDE OF **** UNTIL YOU LITTLE **** **** **** RUN CRYING TO YOUR BARBIE DREAM HOUSE FOR HIPPIE SLEEPOVERS!"
'That was new,' Medic thought, adjusting his glasses to better study the curious scene down below. He had seen a lot of most interesting health conditions in his life, especially since he started working for RED, but he had never seen anything like that. How very fascinating!
The BLU Soldier, ignorant oaf that he was, kept screaming like a baby instead of seeing the bright and fun side of pioneering the field of medicine. Medic sighed. Honestly, was it so hard to retain a healthy sense of wonder?
More windows opened as his teammates were woken by the racket. It wouldn't take long for one of them to shoot or blast the fool so they could go back to sleep, and Medic couldn't allow that. He hadn't taken a good close look yet! He rushed outside and put himself between the still-screaming American and his team.
"HOR AUF!
"Doc, if ya could kindly move a bit to the side…"
"Engineer! I am surprised at you! A man of science, and you are not at all curious about zis?"
"It's five in the morning, Doc."
"Private Medic! Why are you protecting the enemy!?"
"PROTECTING!? PROTECTING!? AN AMERICAN SOLDIER LIKE ME DOES NOT NEED PROTECTION FROM ANYBODY LET ALONE A KRAUT!"
"HOW DARE YOU CALL MY BRAVE AMERICAN COMPATRIOT A KRAUT!?"
Medic quickly pulled off one of his pyjamas gloves and stuffed it into the BLU Soldier's mouth. The oaf blared muffled threats and struggled to move, but he was completely immobilized and could do nothing more than look funny. His limbs, both arms and both legs, looked like they had been deboned and stretched; despite that he didn't look injured or even in pain, there was no blood, no cuts, not even bruises. The limbs were wrapped all around his torso like long flashy strings and knotted together into a big pretty ribbon on his neck, as if whoever or whatever had done that to him had meant to offer him to the RED Team as a gift. Medic knew he should have been suspicious, but he couldn't help feeling giddy at the prospect of playing with a new toy. He was going to have so much fun!
"As I vas saying, it is very peculiar that a BLU vould show up on our very doorstep in such a state. Ve can't just kill him without investigating ze mystery!"
"What mystery? It was Merasmus."
That got everybody's attention and a chorus of "what!?" and "the wizard!?" and "the geezer in a dress that I totally didn't hit on when I totally didn't think he was a chick!?." Medic cautiously took a few steps back from the still-struggling BLU Soldier. He looked completely helpless, but Merasmus had already made them fight a disembodied eyeball and a book so you couldn't just assume that a wrapped-up torso wouldn't kill you.
"Soldier, how do you know that?" Spy asked with the weary tone of a man who doesn't want to know the answer but feels like he has to ask anyway.
"That's one of his spells! He did that to me too once when he got whinier than usual after I used his toothbrush to freshen up Lieutenant Bites' litter box."
"And how did you get out of that?"
"Ah! That wimp surrendered faster than a Frenchman when I went to the bathroom that I had made on the spot!"
Medic diplomatically brought the attention back to the BLU Soldier. "So, zis dummkopf angered ze vizard, who cast a spell on him and zen brought him to us to get rid of ze mess?"
"Betcha he expects us to torture him too!"
Medic stiffened, indignant. "Herr Scout, if zat uncivilized rohling takes us for barbarians and expects us to torture a human being, zen he'll be quite disappointed to learn zat ve are better zan zat!" he stated, his handsome features set in a stern expression. "Now, Heavy, come down here and help me carry him to my operating room so I can cut him open and take out his insides. For science!"
"Doctor, is dawn…"
"Heavy! Mein kamerad! You vould vake up in ze middle of ze night for a rendez-vouz vith sandvich, but you von't help me now?"
Heavy was down and carrying the BLU Soldier inside before the rest of the team could make any joke they would painfully regret.
§[]§[]§
The BLU Soldier was not a coward. He was the finest red-blooded warrior his great country could produce! Let the kraut and the commie do their worst, he would not bend, he would not break!
The door opened. The man who stepped in was neither a fat Russian nor a girly German, though he had a little bit of a beer gut and sometimes wore a skirt.
Soldier knew he should have cursed him, gag or no gag. But for some reason he couldn't bring himself to say anything, and the uncomfortable silence stretched on. Finally, the RED Demoman spoke.
"We dunnae have much time. Heavy's gone back ta sleep, but Medic's changin' an' he'll be back soon. If ye keep quiet I can hide ye in me room."
Soldier really should have tried to say something, then. Something like 'you can take your help and shove it where the sun sometimes shines, you no-pants-wearing maggot!.' He really should have. Instead, he nodded. Ten minutes later he was alone in Demo's room, while the RED had gone to convince Fritz that Soldier had disappeared in a poof of smoke.
It had been a long time since he and Tavish had been anywhere near each other without trying to kill each other. And now Tavish, the enemy, was helping him. Helping him! He was sure Sun Tzu was spinning in his grave. And yet, for some reason, he wasn't feeling the burning shame that he knew was appropriate.
What was he feeling? Soldier couldn't put a name on it, and he strongly suspected that he didn't want to know.
He was reluctantly relieved when Demo came back and he wasn't alone with his thoughts anymore. The cyclops sighed and took the glove out of his mouth.
"Remember that yea promised ta keep quiet."
Soldier pointedly didn't say a word. He didn't want to talk to that traitor anyway!
"The simplest way'd be to kill ye now so ye can respawn in yer own base. This kind o' spell's always temporary, ye'll be back ta normal by tomorrow."
'How the hell do you know that!?' Soldier mouthed. Had the Demoman been in cahoots with Merasmus!? His mind filled with images of Demo and Merasmus plotting behind his back. Going to gun shows together. Eating ribs together. Fighting the police together. Skipping in a meadow together.
'TAVISH, YOU BASTARD!'
The fleshy ribbon flapped around wildly while Soldier struggled (quietly) to advance on the one-eyed Judas and teach him a lesson once and for all (quietly). The fact that his legs were currently wrapped around his neck was a setback, but he had been fighting setbacks his whole life and none of them had ever stopped him.
"Bloody hell, lad, settle down, it's not what yea think! I know this stuff 'cause I started researchin' magic after the wizard took me eye! 'Know yer enemy' an' all o' that. Jane! Stop bitin' me boots!"
Lies, all lies! How could he trust the man again? He had considered him a friend once, and it had bit him in the ass so hard it still hurt.
"Ach! Fine. Have it yer way. Yea always had a head so thick yer helmet's just for show!"
The cyclops' hands took hold of his neck and squeezed. Seconds that felt like an eternity went by and Soldier's efforts grew weaker and weaker, but still he kept on fighting. He kept on fighting when his body felt so heavy that lifting his eyelids felt like lifting boulders, and he kept on fighting when the light dimmed out and the last thing he could see before total darkness engulfed him was Tavish' hard stare. With the very last of his strength, he rejected the ridiculous impression that the eye looking down at him was full of sorrow.
§[]§[]§
The RED Demoman let go of the body well after the heart had stopped beating. He kept staring at it silently for several minutes, until Respawn finally picked it up. There was no poof of smoke when the body disappeared, but at least the little story he had told Medic wasn't entirely a lie, just a little chronologically displaced.
Had it been worth it? He hated lying to his teammates, hated doing things behind their back. And Medic would have killed Jane eventually, anyway. He had even released the BLU Spy's head a long time ago. Respawn was all the same no matter how you died. He could have just gone back to sleep and the end result would have been the same.
…No. No, he couldn't have just gone back to sleep. He had tried, but he just couldn't. Jane had betrayed him, but no matter how drunk he got, no matter how many times he killed him or got killed by him, he couldn't forget that they used to be best friends. He couldn't extinguish the tiny hope that maybe, just maybe, one day they could be friends again.
He went to have a drink.