A/N: Hello! Quick disclaimers here:
This is JK's playground, I'm just mucking around in the sandpit.
This story focusing A LOT on anorexia. PLEASE don't read this if it could ever trigger you. It is not meant to glorify, we are in her head, she is crazy. Remember this.
And if you have an issue similar to Victoire's, never hesitate to PM me or whatever.
Okay, enjoy. :D
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
It was ONE time. Okay, twice, fine THREE TIMES.
But he's soo hot!
I'm slipping again, I can feel it. It's drawing me in like it used to. I can't say no this time, I want it too badly. I want it so much. It's like a great heaving vortex of pain, fingers reaching out to grasp me around the throat. Disease pushing its roots into my brain and blackening my thoughts.
I'm not fat, not really. My thighs splay out when I sit down, spreading like two bags of water across the chair. I have rolls when I bend over, sacks of fat cling to my hips. But I'm not huge, not like some people. I'm pudgy, curvy, pear shaped. I'm soft, womanly and rounded. I know what I am, and I know what everyone else sees. They don't think I'm fat either.
That doesn't mean I don't wish I was thinner. I dream of it, I grab handfuls of myself and claw at them. I hate this body I'm trapped in. I hate the person I am, I hate how fat I will get if I don't do this. Thinner means better. You can never be too rich or too thin. Thinner will make me better, make me stronger. I will come out of this skin a new person, if I could only get thin.
Yes, I'm here again. I've risen back up to the height of anorexia. I don't deny having it, in fact I don't feel worthy of it yet. I'm not worthy of being an ana. I wish I were anorexic, I wish I was there. The last times I stumbled after a few weeks, I never reached my goals. I heard the praise 'Oh, Victoire you're so thin!' and let myself break anyway. I'm damned if I will this time.
The beauty of it is, no one shall ever know. I am in control this time, everything is under my watchful eye. I won't spill my secrets and shatter my hopes, I will be everything I can. Only I can fail myself and I won't do it this time. I'll prevail. I'll win. I'm going to lose 10 pounds in a flash and stop it there. This will be easy.
It's like a game, I roll my dice and I get thin every time. Not everyone can do it, no it's a game too hard for the weak, for the careless and the stupid. It's a skill, a skill that the flawless, the beautiful have perfected. I'll perfect it too.
I'm not a slave to food, and I'm not a slave to my tastebuds. They won't chain me, they won't bring me down. I rip out pages from Witch Weekly, Cait Muss is slapped on the front page, pink letters plastered across her lean, long body.
"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,"
She's so perfect, so beautiful. I tear out her photo and crop out the criticism that lies in the text. More and more thinspiration piles up and I wave my wand-filing it into my notebook neatly. Glossy pages, ordered and cut crisply. Thighs that don't touch in the middle and ribs that stick out line my page, line my brain. Tomorrow is a new day, todays mistakes are gone, I've got a plan and I'm sticking to it.
I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat. I won't eat.
I scrawl it down over and over, my quill scratching. The others are heavy sleepers, thank God. I sat on my bed, and the dorm is silent. I share with Lauren, Kitty and Emma, and none are up this late. I check my watch, 2.22am. I'm going to sleep, I can't deal with being hungry and tired tomorrow.
I awake, blearily in the morning. I roll over and see everyone has already gone for breakfast. Dressing slowly, I grin, sleeping in late is a great excuse for missing a meal. I also love morning, I always feel better in the morning. I'm determined today, to not eat and to act normal.
I meet the others in Potions which we have first thing. I have no idea why they all took it as a NEWT because even if I love it, Lauren causes explosions, Kitty is scared of being poisoned and Emma really does not care.
I slip into my seat next to Kitty and receive a warning look from Professor Worting for my lateness.
"Settle down, settle down. Right, this morning we'll be brewing a Hiccoughing solution, does anyone know what that is used for?"
I squirm, fighting between knowing the answer and not wanting to look geeky. A Ravenclaw, Joe Burns, sticks his hand up and states,
"The Hiccoughing solution induces hiccups to the drinker. It has a simple effect but is complicated to brew," I stop myself from mouthing the words along with him.
"Good, 5 points to Ravenclaw. It is on page 67 of your textbooks. Be careful to shred the Belladonna thinly,"
The noise level quickly rises and Lo goes to grab our ingredients.
"Where were you at breakfast, Vic?" asks Kitty, flicking through her textbook casually,
"None of my friends woke me up so I missed it!" I say bitterly before quickly adding, "Not that I'm hungry anyway, really, I feel a bit sick."
"Aw, you want to go to Madam McCartney?" asks Emma, kind for once.
"Like I'd miss lessons!" I blurt, they explode into giggles. "Did I get any letters?"
"This is from your mum," says Lauren, handing over a thick, creamy envelope.
"Thanks, babe," I say as I carefully chop my Wormwood root into exactly inch-sized pieces. Lauren has began to mash hers,
"Uh, Lo..?" says Kitty, her face spread with worry,
My lovely friend giggles, she got the wanting-to-explode-things streak and never fails to create something dangerous in Potions, worse than my cousin Fred who's only a second year but has already made himself a name.
These three girls are my Gryffindor dorm mates and my best friends. There's Kitty Cassidy, unbelievably shy and sweet. The kindest girl you could ever meet, but if you mess with people she loves she'll rip you to shreds. I've seen this happen once. It was scary. This 'witty' Ravenclaw, Jane Cole said Emma was fat. Kitty was fuming, it was terrifying. Jane hasn't been the same since. That was a lot of anger for one small person. Kit's really small, short and skinny as anything, like a little fairy. She makes me unbelievably jealous. Damn her. She's also pale with wispy thin brown hair and these pale green eyes that have specks of every colour in them.
Then there's Emma Dennis, a born cynic with a hard heart and a thick skin. She melts around us though, and is always voicing her opinions as loud as can be. She hates school with a passion and never shuts up about Quidditch, it's her dream to play in the Holyhead Harpies. She exploded when she met my Aunt Ginny, who used to be on the team and now manages it. Em's not a thin girl, she's a beater and is muscly. She's NOT fat, and she's a hell of a lot more toned than I am. She has thick dark blonde hair and big brown eyes and is really rather pretty.
Lauren Thomas is a firecracker and the baby of the group, she's the opposite of her quiet little twin brother Nick, who's grown up having tricks played on him and is, by consequence, scared of everything. It's adorable, I swear I have to set him up with Kitty. Our Lo cares more about school that Emma but less than Kitty and me, she's always in detention and usually drags the others down with her. She's got this amazing tanned skin that's always so smooth and shiny black hair. Her eyes are this liquid golden brown colour and she never gets freckles. And I swear her body is perfect.
I got the bad genes, I somehow avoided both the Veela and the Weasley from my parents, I'm not ginger but hell, I'm not breathtaking. My hair is a kind of silver blonde but frizzy as anything, my eyes are boring blue, there's a smattering of freckles over my round nose and I'm wobbly all over. I love school, books are best so I stick to that. I love school, yes I sound geeky but it's true. I have control here, I got E's and O's in my OWLS, it was my proudest moment yet. If only my body was as good as my schoolwork.
Lo has thrown her pulverized Wormwood root in her cauldron already and is adding black beetle juice like there's no tomorrow. It's bubbling furiously.
"Did you even read the textbook, Lo?" I ask tentatively, Emma is wetting herself laughing, Kitty is edging away.
"Course," she replies, but I don't believe her, her potion looks ready to blow. I dive in, shaking crushed Thistle buds into it and stirring it wildly anti-clockwise. It's gone a reddy brown colour and smells dreadful but it's stopped making those weird threatening bubbles.
"One day you'll kill us, I swear," I say and she sighs at my nerdiness and vanishes her potion. I see Kitty become visibly less scared and turn to my own potion, I throw in my own Belladonna and it's a pleasant pink, bubbling in a friendly way. Emma chuckles at Lauren's attempts to restart her potion and looks at her own apathetically. It's emitting gallons of black smoke.
"I hate potions," she cries,
"Then why did you take it?" asks Lauren,
"I could ask you the same thing," she says bitterly, "And you know it's because I only passed four subjects,"
I slip some sliced scorpion stings into Emma's potion and it lightens considerably to a purpley colour.
"Look, Em." cries Kitty, "You ARE good at potions," God I love that girl. Emma looks positively ecstatic.
Professor Worting stalks past our table and eyes Lauren's suspiciously, she's never trusted her. She smiles fondly at my potion and is aghast at Em's.
"Miss Bell, that's coming along nicely," she says, hiding the shock in her voice. Emma beams.
I taste mine carefully and to my delight emit a loud hiccup. It would be embarrassing if everyone else wasn't doing the same. Kitty is scarlet and holding her breath fiercely, she shakes silently every now and again, like a weird dance. Emma is giggling at her, neither her or Lo had the balls to try their potions. They still look kind of poisonous. I always find potions fun, and today took my mind off the growling in my stomach.
I don't even remember that I'm hungry until after Charms when we traipse off for lunch. I've barely seen Tom at all today, and he's saved me a seat at the Griffindor table. I'm dreading this and wonder how on earth I'll get out of eating. Thomas Kay is my best boy friend in the whole wide world, I love him better than, the sea! And I LOVE the sea.
We met on the first train ride, when Teddy dragged me to his cool friends, Tom was super sweet and I've gradually grown to like him more than Teddy over the years. He's got blonde hair and is the beater, brawny and tall. He's kind of ditzy and dumb and his blue eyes go all vacant when he thinks too hard.
"Rosie!' he cries, grinning.
I squeeze in between him and Teddy. I tense my legs, hoping the fat doesn't fly out, not that it matters, Teddy has seen it all before.
Don't think me a slut, it was ONE time. Okay twice. FINE, IT WAS THREE TIMES. But he's so hot! And Teddy is such a nice guy, sleeping with him isn't the worst thing I've ever done. I don't regret it. He's been going to the Weasley's for some of the summer for years, we spent a lot of time together as children but grew apart.
Tom was staying with him at the Burrow so we chilled a lot, the three of us. Tom in between the kind of non-friendship between me and Ted. Honestly, up to his first year we were best friends but with him at school and me not we didn't see each other a lot. Then when I came he already had best friends, Tom and I managed to hang out more than Teddy and I did which was weird. I guess he kind of ditched me.
Anyway, I was home alone one day. Dom and Louis were at the Potter's and mum and dad were visiting Nana and Grandad. I invited Tom and Teddy over but Tom has these horrible migraines and he was lying in a dark room with a bottle of pain relief potion. Teddy came over anyway. Teddy brought firewhiskey.
I take a swig of my Firewhiskey and soda,
"Teddiekins, this tastes like fire!" I yell,
"Teddiekins?" he asks, staring at me with those dark blue eyes,
"Teddy Weddy!" I laugh and he looks at me intently,
"Vicky Wicky..." he chuckles deeply, his voice is so manly and low and lovely, his hair so thick and black, he's so thin but strong, his cheekbones are so boney. He stares at me, like he's seeing me for the first time.
We're in my room, sitting on my sofa, snuggled together, chatting pointless words and drinking. And then he looks at me and I unconsciously lean in. He kisses me. My childhood friend Teddy Lupin is in my room and he's kissing me. I've kissed boys before but Teddy, he can really kiss. If it were a sport he'd be an Olympic medalist. If it were a subject he'd have an O. I get out of my head, my drunken thoughts distracting me from said kiss.
He's whispering in my ear, he tells me I'm beautiful, so beautiful.
"You're pretty beautiful yourself," I say as he kisses my neck. He leads me to my bed and lays me under him. He looks at my questioningly and I respond by peeling his robe jacket off him. More clothes are ripped off, he mumbles the contraception charm and before I know it, I've slept with him.
Afterwards we curl up in my bed, our drunken stupor wearing off. He turns to me and says quietly,
"I think we should make that a regular occurrence,"
And who I am to disagree? It wasn't awful, and he thinks I'm beautiful. He's not using me, he doesn't want anything but me. I don't want a relationship.
"As friends." I add, he nods knowingly. I know he's thinking of how Tom would react. He kisses me again and gets up to pull his clothes on.
I smile a little, Victoire Weasley isn't a little girl any more.
We snatch moments like this twice more, Tom's migraines coinciding with them perfectly, before we have to return to school. You'd think, living at a school, that we could do it there too but we couldn't. Where would we? In the dorms with all our friends sleeping next to us, or in a classroom with Peeves swooping over our heads?
Thank God he's not an awkward boy, it's like it never happened. Tom is blissfully unaware, as is everyone else in the entire world. Maybe I'll see him over Christmas, I'll be so much thinner then as well. That'll be nice.
"Hey Ted, Tommy," I greet, and lunch appears on the platters in front of us,
God, it smells good. There's the hot foods like rich stew, pies and pastries. There's sandwiches, crusty bread filled with cheese and ham, spread lavishly with butter and, is that bacon? My stomach screams at me but I load up on salad and a tiny piece of bread. Tom gawps at me,
"Is that all you're getting?" he asks, "The same Victoire Weasley that once ate seven chocolate frogs without stopping and even eats the cabbage flavoured Bertie beans?" I cringe a little, I've been greedy before.
"Ugh, I know. I feel sick." I moan, pushing away my plate in a kind of anger. He eyes me with a worried face, "I think I'll just go to the library,"
He looks less surprised and with that. I excuse myself and skip off, feeling lighter than air without food weighing me down.