A/N: This Story is written for the Elves Who Weren't Supposed to Be There. Aye, I was one of those who, while watching the film, gnashed my teeth and threw my popcorn at seeing the Elven army at Helm's Deep, not knowing whether in joy or total fury. And then, Master Jackson, toying around with his borrowed creations and changing the whole plot of the Two Towers, decides to go further, committing more crimes against Tolkien's Elves.

This story is dedicated to our favourite March Warden of Lothlorien, the Elf that Wasn't Supposed to Die, because I am going to undo what Master Jackson did.

Haldir's Diary



Day 1

Elrond's been having weird visions again, says Galadriel. Bit rich, speaking from her point of view. She never gets off the damn 'mirror' with him. Celeborn's been whining at her, cos he's always had a thing about his wife and younger men. She's been very protective of the thing lately. Last time I took a bath in it, she went mad, and green. Really green.

Anyway, Elrond has a vision that the people of Rohan are going to die, something like that. And suddenly matters of men become SOOO important that he has to send an army of Elves all the way down south too save them.

You'd think he'd go himself, if he really cared, but he doesn't get off his ass nowadays. The only war he'd ever been that I know of was the battle with Gil-galad, who died, and "left" his Ring to Elrond, his comrade who couldn't save him.

Galadriel goes all slushy on him, cos he's her son-in-law, and all that, despite the fact Celebrian nearly DIED when she was with him, and instead of personally going to help him with her elfy powers, she sends me.

Stupid noldorin bint.

Later...

So here I am, packing light for the trip tomorrow to Rivendell, then Helm's Deep!

Item(s):

Quality carven wooden mallorn bow – 1

Selection of oak arrows – 50 (how many things to shoot are there??)

Light Elven sword – 1

Daggers – 2 (small)

Woollen cloak – 1

Change of underwear – 1 (being very hygienic)

Secret home-made porn of Arwen – 1

Secret home-made porn of Galadriel – 1

Lembas – 15 packs

Never see Thranduilion doing this, do you?

Then again, he's all high and mighty prince of Mirkwood, and gets to go with the Fellowship. Dumb b#. I think I have a picture of him streaking when he drank too much miruvor and started dancing and swinging on trees.

Note: must find picture and practise blackmailing when I get back.
Day 2

Galadriel's being awfully nice to me today. Usually, she's quite dismissive and moody, but she's different today. Strange. I think I heard her and Celeborn arguing last night. Apparently he caught her probing into Elrond's mind again, even though she claims she was reminding him about sending the armies. There was a familiar green light issuing from their talan; and today, Celeborn had a slightly purple patch on his eye. He got really annoyed when I asked him about it:

"My lord, what is that strange patch you have there!"

"It is nothing"

"Are you sure? It looks like your eye is swollen"

"No, it isn't"

"Really?"

"I'm fine"

"You don't look it"

"Go away, Haldir"

Galadriel seemed happy though. She gave me a really SHINY breastplate to wear, because I was the general of this army but Celeborn got even madder when he saw it. I think Galadriel just gave me her husband's favourite outfit.

He won't mind

I'll look after it

He hardly wears it anymore.
So here I am, on the way to Rivendell. Feeling very proud for some reason, but maybe it's just my incredibly SHINY armour.

Or maybe it's the huge army marching behind me, under my command

Or the fact that I am on an important quest to save weak and feeble but grateful men.
Met up with Elrond's troops. The meeting got a little irritable, because Elves of Rivendell and woodland Elves don't get along that well. No one is sure why, but I have a feeling it's because they're jealous of our irresistible BLONDE hair. I can't help noticing how the army from Rivendell is much, much smaller than my own...

Making our way south, unstopping until we reach Helm's Deep

Snubbed Elves of Rivendell by flicking hair back over my shoulder when talking about important matters.

Later...

I think I forgot my map... Will have to face severe indignity and use Orophin's. He can manage without it. I'm his older brother anyway, and my armours twice as shiny.