A/N: I started writing this story in February and finished it in June (HOLY SHYIT!) This is supposed to be weird. It's mostly based on a dream I had but I also made most of it up. I'm making fun of the show because I love it, not because I hate it. It's the best cartoon there is.
I wrote this for my entertainment and for others. (Because I love you even though I don't know you.)
Oh, and I don't own Invader Zim, it belongs to Jhonen Vasquez (Is he French?)
Zim sat in his fucked up base on Earth and was having fun with playing The Sims 2 he stole from his nemesis-Earth-Filth Dib the other day. He had created a family with an alien he named "All-Mighty-Zim" (of course) and a robot butler he named "HurrDurrGIR" (because it's sounded better than simply "Gir") Then he made five identical copies of Dib, so he didn't have to make new ones for five times of...killing the Dibs. You heard it, boys and girls, he had simply created them to kill them off. 'How stupid.' Zim glared at me, turning away from the computer screen. "I heard that, disgusting human female filth!" 'Whatever.' I rolled my eyes.
He had created Gaz as well, he hated his enemy's sister too, but not as much, so he was kind enough to make her a cheap one night stand slut that gave herself to every single sim that happened to pass by the yard.
He thought about killing the third Dib by starvation so he typed in the cheat code (HE'S ALMIGHTY ZIM SO HE KNOWS EVERYTHING-BOW-CHIKA-BOW-WOOW!) and moved the cursor over the hunger meter only to get interrupted by Gir storming into the base scaring the living shits out of him and accidently making Zim turn off the game by the too exposed big button- *inhales air* that was located next to the keyboard.
"SH**! GIR! WHAT THE F***!" Zim had been on the Earth long enough to learn the common swear words. "That reminds me of the time Invader Zim had quit filming for the day and had after hours!" Zim exclaimed suddenly happy! (WTF _)
(Flashback)
*Zim hits Dib's big head with a fire-extinguisher repeatidly, Dib falls out cold on the floor*
Director: Cut! That was the end of the lost episode. Pack your bags bitches and leave! *grumbles and leaves the scene*
*Gaz comes in*
Gaz: Wow, you really gave a number on him, didn't you? Thinking you're some tough shit. Fucking badass. *plays on her GameSlave that looks a lot like a Nintendo DS*
(End of flashback)
Zim ignored the fact he had just made a unfunny and pointless Family Guy joke and started to bitch at Gir again. "Gir, you know you can't disturb almighty ZIIIMMMM," he paused and drew a thick line under Zim several times...literally. He used a permanent marker and marked it several times until the paper was soaked. "When I play...I mean, train to tolerate the disgusting video games played by the hyoomans. Got that?" "Derp." Gir poked his cute little pink square tongue out from the corner of his mouth. "I LIKE WAFFLES!" He screamed and ran out of the room with his Piggy toy in his arms.
"WEEEEHOOHOOHOOOO! WEEHOOHOOHOOOOOO!" He sounded like a bee that was drowning.
"I hope you don't mean my robot bee, OR ELSE...SUFFER THE WRATH OF ZIM! BOW BEFORE ZIM!" 'I didn't mean your robot bee, plus, you don't have to say ZIIIMMMM all the freaking time.' "How dare you correct me! How dare you correct the almighty ZIMMM!" He tried to break the 4th wall but to no avail. So he looked stupid and bonked it repeatidly.
'See Zim, I put armored glass in the way, you can't get through.'
"CURSE YOU, AMIE-HYOOMAN!11111" Then he thought 'I actually like toothpaste' and went to turn on the computer again.
By then Gir came in with a plate of waffles and wore a shirt that said: 'WAFFLES 4EVER! 3' "MASTURR! TASTE MY WAFFLES! PIGGEH SAYS THEY'RE GOOD! AND THE PEWDIEPIE FANS CAN SHUT UP BECAUSE I OWN THE COPYRIGHT TO THAT STATEMENT!" (A/N: Yes, indeed, he said it first hehe.)
"SILENCE, Gir! I don't want to taste your stinky,filthy human-" Gir screeched and cried like a 4-year old. Zim facekeyboarded (lol XD). "FINE, then. Maybe, as I said before, this can make me tolerant to stinky-hideous-disgusting-gross-Earthly-cadavers-o f-crap they call food. Then, Gir, get me a fork..." Gir's recent smile faded out. "What's a 'fork'?"
Zim couldn't believe his non-existent ears. He twitched an eye as he snatched a paper to himself and started drawing a fork, then shoved it into Gir's face. "THERE YOU GO, METAL-SCRAP! A F-O-R-K!" Gir then smiled brightly again and 'corrected' his master. "That's not a fork, that's a DINGLEHOPPER!" Zim stared at Gir with a blank face. "A...dingle-whatnow?" Gir grinned and squeezed his piggy tight. "A dinglehopper! You use it for hairdos!" This time, Zim did both a facekeyboard and facepalm at the same time. "I don't give an Irken's evacuation! Give me a dinglehopper or whatever! Just, give me it, Gir!"
"You want to use a dinglehopper?"
"Yes, I do! I don't care! Be of good utility and get me one!"
"Yessir! YAAAAAY! Waffles for the win!" Gir screamed and sprinted off to get a fork- *Gir gives me a deadly glare* I mean *gulp* a dinglehopper. (A/N: Because you know I referred to The Little Mermaid. Don't lie, it's should be like a nostalgia reference to you.)
Dib knew Zim had stolen his Sims 2 and he was very angry.
"That bloody alien is gonna have it!" He started up his computer and wrote his password: "IBELIEVEZIMISVERYHOTFORANALIEN" (A/N: What? He had to have a password that no one can figure out, duh! It's the least expected, duh! Du-uh!) He started to track down the video game CD of his and somehow succeeded to break into the secret files, he had copied in case...well...something like this would happen. And it did. 'HELLZ YEA! I did something right!' Dib thought both for his success of intrusion and that he did the right thing to copy.
He found a fly flying on the desk, he smacked it and started to type on his computer like Data from Star Trek. *tick tick tick* "lol I'm faster than Sonic." He said to himself and he was considered lucky since Sonic was on vacation and lazying his fat ass off and couldn't bother him.
He downloaded the DISGRACEFUL music he had to to make his plan possible but he had to listen to Celine Dion to calm down afterwards. He intruded in the files again and put the music in it. There. He smirked to himself and took a slurp on a drink he thought was soda. But Gaz was a fucking troll so she had put beer in it and that caused Dib to fall backwards on to the floor in dizziness. "Damn it. I see swimming aliens." He said perplexed, staring up at the ceiling.
Zim had eaten up his waffly waffles that tasted like shit in his opinion but he didn't want to have to clean up Gir's tears afterwards so he shut up. Then he booted up the funny- *Zim aims a gun at me* Uhmm, the DISTASTEFUL excuse for a game but right after he had clicked on the family where he left off, there was stupid, silly music.
"AAAAARGHHHH! WHAT IS THAT SHIT! TURNTHATFUCKINGSHITOFF!" He screamed covering his antennae. Gir came in and started to cheer and answering his Master's question. "IT'S JUSTIN BIEBER, MASTER!"
'If I was your boyfriend I would never let you go, I can take you places you ain't never been before...' Was the lyrics.
"I'm embarrassed FOR this boy! Is this was Earth music is like? I almost feel SORRY for the human-filthies!" Gir started to dance along and so did Mini-Moose and the new round of waffles. 'IF I WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND, I WOULD NEVER LET YOU GO...' Zim cried alien tears and growled. "TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! I MIGHT BE PSYCHOLOGICALLY TRAUMIZED IF I LISTEN MORE TO THIS PIECE OF SHIT! AAAAARGHHH!" But hearing one line in the second verse made him nearly literally explode for dropping too much IQ...(A/N: Or wouldn't you? You would lose your IQ and that would empty you, right...? Hmm... *rubs chin*)
'I could be your Buzz Lightyear fly across the globe' (A/N: No really, he says that. Check the lyrics yourself XD)
Zim had been on Earth long enough and he had thought that the humans kinda worshipped this "Buzz Lightyear" but later on just realized it was like any action figure. His jaw dropped.
"WHAT THE FUCK! What has Buzz Lightyear have to do with any of this!?" He fell down on the floor and didn't make a move to stand up again. Gir stood over him and noticed his master being mentally lost for a moment. "Aww, don't be sad, master! I can change the music if you want!" The little robot giggled. "Thank you, Gir! Thank you, Tallest! Thank EVERYTHING!" Zim breathed out but Gir didn't have the chance to change song because the game did it by itself.
"ICE MY WRIST-ES, THEN I PISS ON BITCHES, YOU CAN SUCK MY DIZNICK...!" It sounded from the speakers.
"AAAAAAAAH! SAVE ME! TAKE MY BODY UNDERGROUND! KILL ME! WHATEVER, AS LONG AS THIS MUSIC DOESN'T EVEN DARE ENTER MY MIGHTY, VIRGIN ANTENNAE EVER AGAIN!" Gir laughed maniacally before his eyes turned red in duty mode and threw a knife at the screen. "SHUT THE FUCK UP." Was his scary line and the whole system turned off, including the electricity in the house, and the whole town. Far away they could hear Dib scream: "HELP, GAZ FIGURED OUT MY PASSWORD! SHE'S GONNA BREAK IT TO THE CLASS TOMORROW, NOOO!" "Shut up, Dib." His sister said calmly. It was pitch dark. "Oops. Heeheeheehee!" Gir sniggered. Zim face palmed. Minimoose flew around the base, crashed into the wall and fell unconscious to the floor, his eyes twirling pokémon-anime style.
Zim found a candle, and lit it with matches he randomly had in his pocket. "Gir? Gir, you're here?" The Irken called out, and got an immidiate answer. "I'm here, Master!" Zim turned around and nearly dropped the candle because of the scary face that greeted him. "AH!" Gir was holding a flashlight and held it vertically below his chin, to look scary. "Ooooh!" He said and pouted his metallic lips, his eyes clearly cyan again. The alien began to feel relieved. "Darn it, Gir!"
"Stupid blackout dirt." The Irken said as he lit candles that were placed around in the base and Gir was bored out of his mind. "Let me help, Mastah!" He screamed. "NO!" Was the reply, making the robot pout sulkily. "Naaw..." Minimoose woke up, hovered over to the SIR unit and snuggled his side. Gir smiled lightly and patted the moose, earning a purr. "If only you were a piggy...A fatass piggy I could eat up for dinner." Gir stated, not realizing the meaning behind those words. "Nya?" Minimoose mumbled. Just then a Piggy jumped out the window! (like a boss) smashing it into millions of pieces. Startled like hell, Gir jumped and turned. Then there where droolfalls running from Gir's mouth like the biggest overflow of all time. Literally. The room was filled up faster than the wink of an eye and since Zim would melt by liquids, he quickly grabbed onto a desk and floated on it, such in a huge panic state. "HELP! HELP!" He pleaded, however, everyone ignored. Gir took up a dinglehopper, a knife and a handkerchief around his neck like in some old cartoon and licked his metallic lips, and grabbed salt and pepper. The piggy gulped and ran out, smoke clouds appeared twice and they both were gone.
Gir came back with a fat robot belly, patting it in satisfaction. Then he fell asleep on the floor, right on the same spot. Zim sighed in annoyance, picked up the SIR unit and placed him on the couch. All the saliva was gone (thank Tallest). Gir then woke up, yawning and rubbing his eyes.
"Gir..." Zim tried his best not to bitch, "Do you know what my biggest fear is?"
"Oh, oh! It's water and human anatomy isn't it!"
"That's r-...what did you say?" The Irken said in a Gollum voice.
"Water."
"And?"
"And..."
"And?"
"And!"
"AND?!"
"Hahah AND! ANDYDANDYAND HAHAHAHAHH!" The little robot screamed in delight (A/N: Not in that way, you pervs.) Then he fell asleep. Zim then decided to go down to his base through the toilet but it was full of smelly birdshit so he had to clean it out first to the point it sparkled like brand new porcelain. Anyhow, he took the elevator down (duh!) and exactly, and I mean EXACTLY after he came down, the transmitter beeped as a message he had gotten an answer. "Oh, who might that be? Mighty Zim might answer the call! Heheh, puns." He walked to the transmitter thingy (A/N: Ok, I'm not as smart as Jhonen Vasquez, so please forgive me.) He ordered the computer to take the call and HOLY IRK! It was that Irken prostitute Tak!
(A/N: Yes, I hate Tak. If you love her you should go to the headline that says "I JUST THREW WORMS AT THE PRESIDENT!" so you don't have to read this part, cuz it's fun.)
"LOOOL, Zim-dumb, I'm gonna blow you up! In more ways than one." She said so slut-alike Zim made the most disgusted face in history...well, in all-planet history. "Buzz off! I don't have time to deal with such incompetent indecency called Tak! Stop wasting my time and let someone else take a swing in your box." He harshly mouthed off at the screen. She laughed. "Impossible. I just launched a huge missile that's gonna blow up your base in a few seconds. Just you wait." A few seconds passed, Zim yawned. Tak got very confused, like a lost moose. 'No offense, Minimoose'. It cutely snuggled me.
"You know, I just threw some toothpaste towards your ship, so it's too sticky for it to carry on. Don't you think I noticed? How dumb do you think I am, facebook whore?" She gasped. How could she have be so blind? She recalled her posts the other day. It was 4 actually.
Flashback
1. "OMGGGGGG I'M SOOOOOOO HORNY FOR JUTSIIIN BRIEBEREER I'M GUNNA BGAN 'IM ON THE CONCERT TOMARROW OHEMGEEE! SQUEEE 3"
2. "Like this post if u think Twilight eez the best books EVAR!" There was also a comment from the Tallest. "Gosh, you mustn't have read a lot, or else you're too dumb to read masterpieces."
3. "I'm gonna launch a missile towards Zim's base so he can come out so I can (censored)(censored)(censored) him in a few minutes. Oh, and I also broke up with this guy (blahblahblah)" In comment section, by Invader Scooge: "Bye, bye world. *points gun to head, shoots*" (A/N: No really, he actually shot himself! XD)
4. "ZOMG I'M SO ANGRY!1111 SERSIUOLY!11 LADY GEGGA IS JUST A RERUN OF MADOONA! SHE'S FAKE!1122 SHE DESRVE 2 GO 2 HELL!" A comment, made by Zee (A/N: The background girl Irken in the pilot episode, remembah? She's too cute XD). "Uhh, no shit? How high is your IQ, 150? (Irkens are really smart). Besides, why do you keep coming with your pointless statuses that make no sense at all? We don't give two shits about every single detail in your life. Can I give you advice? How about 'GETTING A LIFE' sound any good? If it doesn't I suggest you stick your big meathead in the sand where it belongs. Ciao."
End of Flashback
(A/N: Ok, I owe an explanation. You may wonder how Irkens know about EARTH celebrities and books? Well, you see, on planet Irk there's a tradition that a three-headed green stork with Irken eyes come and leave stuff it had stolen from other planets. However, they favor the human's stuff the most, but they do know about other celebrities like Xnorrphh and Kokoloka from planet Adecalone.)
Zim laughed scornfully. "Pathetic fool." "But...BUT-!" Tak said, crying making her mascara run down her face. "I-I HATE YOU! DIE!" Tak screamed, obviously not knowing where she was going to get at at this point.
"How about you launch a missile to Uranus." He chuckled at his own shitty joke.
Signing off, Zim laughed insanely because he could hear her retarded weep miles away. He took an Irken soda and went to go find Gir and Minimoose.
I JUST THREW WORMS AT THE PRESIDENT!
"Fuck this. I'm outta here." Dib mumbled and jumped off the couch, facing Gaz who was busy with her GameSlave. "I'm going out." He said, even though it was 10.00 pm. "Shut up, Dib." was the response. "Love you too", was his comeback that faded out in tone. He walked out of the room to see Professor Membrane working with some kind of alarm thing in the hall. "I'm going out, dad." "Shut up, son." He replied. However, Dib's ignorance got the best of him and he went outside. Gaz went to get a soda only to find the refridgerator empty of it. "He took the last soda...I'M GONNA RIP HIS BALLS OFF." She said, her fists balled and shaking in fury.
He walked down the street only to see that stupid dufice Zita with a trollface plastered on her face. "Hey, look," she pointed an index finger with a booger on it, "there's that big-headed fucker who believes in the paranormal. Everyone, come laugh at him!" In the speed of light, there was a bigass crowd laughing and pointing at Dib. Dib got angry at that stupid bimbo Zita and yelled. "Whose head did you call so big that you wanna step on it?!" (A/N: FullMetal Alchemist FTW! Oh, and yes, I do dislike Dib...)
"I don't care for your feelings, however, we want to troll your head, so we're gonna take your ass to rehab." She said and gave him a serious look, as did the crowd. Their hands were bending the fingers as if they wanted to grope Dib and they started running toward him. "Yikes!" The big-headed boy- 'Hey!' Dib, ran like heck and reached Zim's house. He moaned. "No...please, not today of all days..." He ran inside the alien's yard and hid behind the fence. Zita and the crowd seemed to have lost track of him and ran the opposite direction. The raven sighed in relief, but stiffened up after a second thought. The gnomes could come catch him anytime! Seconds passed for another plan to be formed, and he put said plan into action. He took some grass, earth, stearic and other stuff and built a statue of himself very quickly. He did the hand-whistle and the gnomes ran for the statue. While they were distracted, Dib ran up to the door, the only spot that was out of the intruder zone of the gnomes.
Dib took up his iPad and went into a chatroom on the internet. He knew Zim would refuse to talk to him after that awkward incident in the bathroom at skool (he doesn't wanna talk about it now either, sorry.) So he had to chat with him, however, Zim was a retarded Irken so he thought it was one of the leaders and answered the chatroom.
Chatroom
Paranormal_Spotter has logged in.
Dib_Can_Go_Dolphin_Noise_Himself has logged in.
Paranormal_Spotter: Hey, Zim! I know what you're up to! And what the heck's up with that name!
Dib_Can_Go_Dolphin_Noise_Himself: Wha...DIB-MONKEY! What the heck...*looks outside window* What are you doing here?! Get out! GNOMES, ATTACK! ATTACK THE INTRUDER!
Paranormal_Spotter: Impossible. Your gnomes suck, so they wont react to me anymore. I built a fake me and since they think that's me, seeing both of us can cause them a short circuit. Taking their attention from that thing to me wouldn't be smart.
Dib_Can_Go_Dolphin_Noise_Himself: Grrrr...fine! What do you want then, stinky-filth? Not that I want to help or anything!
Paranormal_Spotter: What do you think, Einstein?
Dib_Can_Go_Dolphin_Noise_Himself: Who is this Einstein you dare speak of? HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF THIS UNKNOWN HYOOMAN AS THE GREAT AND POWERFUL ZIM! How dare you, Earth-worm!
Paranormal_Spotter: He is...Never mind. Give me my Sims 2 back!
Dib_Can_Go_Dolphin_Noise_Himself: Forget it, asshole! Besides, it's a girl's game anyway!
Paranormal_Spotter: Then why are you playing it?
Dib_Can_Go_Dolphin_Noise_Himself: Uh...uh...SILENCE! DO NOT QUESTION ZIM! Gir, attack the intruder!
I_Loveded_You_Piggy_And_Tacos has logged in.
I_Loveded_You_Piggy_And_Tacos: Weeeeeeho! Hi there!
Dib_Can_Go_Dolphin_Noise_Himself: Wha-! Gir, how dichu get in here?!
I_Loveded_You_Piggy_And_Tacos: I'm using the computer in our base! I founded it when looking for peanut butter and soap for WAFFLES!
Dib_Can_Go_Dolphin_Noise_Himself: Gir, get out of there! Get back upstairs now!11
I_Loveded_You_Piggy_And_Tacos: I DON'T WANNA! OKAY!
I_Loveded_You_Piggy_And_Tacos has logged out.
Paranormal_Spotter: Y'know, it has started raining. If you don't come out with it now I'm gonna break in and throw my wet jacket in your face. And as I said, your security sucks hippo ass so there's no way I'm leaving until you let me in.
Dib_Can_Go_Dolphin_Noise_Himself: WTFH! It was you who put in the Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj music wasn't it! YOU SICK STINK PIECE HEAD OF PATHETIC!
Paranormal_Spotter: Uuhh...Yeah, so what? Let me in now or suffer the music of doom!
Dib_Can_Go_Dolphin_Noise_Himself has logged out.
Paranormal_Spotter has logged out.
Zim begrudgingly opens the door, a glare evident on his face and aimed in Dib's direction. He did scary hulking and swallowing noises showing he's madly angry at this point on.
"OK THEN! Touché! But first...give me all your equipment; cameras, weapons...EVERYTHING!" Dib bawled his eyes. "I don't care. I'm not in that mood today really. I just came for my game!" Zim's DISGUSTING enemy threw everything he had from his pockets on Zim's floor. The alien's eyes squinted. "You sure carry a lot for not planning anything." Dib shrugged. "Well duh! I'm so used to stopping by your place everyday I, like, automatically have them with me in any case." "Wow...You're an idiot." Zim commented, Dib ignoring because he's not in the argue mood.
Now not having any more stuff to give, Zim narrowed his eyes at Dib suspiciously. The human raised an eyebrow. "What are you staring at?" He asked. His enemy approached him and grabbed him by the jacket, stuck his three-fingered clawed hands in the pockets and even lifted up Dib's shirt. "Hey, quit it, perv!" Dib yelled and pulled down his shirt, lightly blushing. The Irken was unaffected. Right then, Gir came upstairs and walked over to them, drinking a poop soda. Zim left his attention towards Dib and brought it to Gir. "Gir! Maybe his jacket is technical or something. Take off his clothes!" "But, Master! Human anatomy scares you, remember?" Gir said. "LIES! Where did you get that idea from?!" Zim yelled at the little SIR unit. Gir raised his metallic hand up to his chin and rubbed it in thought. "Well..."
Flashback
Zim and Gir, in their disguises, walked outside to find their lost experiment. "Nick can't have gone far! We better find him quickly before he cause trouble!" "Okie-dokie!" Gir said happily and rolled on the ground, making him all dirty and bad. Then they spotted some kind of magazine on the sidewalk. The alien's lensed eyes widened and without another thought, he picked it up and took a peek. He murmured spontaneously now and then. "I had no idea human males had some sort of snake in the front...MAYBE IT'S A TYPE OF DEFENSE MECHANISM!" A moment later, he uttered another mindless comment. "But females...what the irk can they do with a crack? It is some sort of...AHA! A reservoir! They keep weapons and stuff in them so no one can see! I'm a genius!" (A/N: I'm a girl too, and if I made some of you uncomfortable, I'm sorry.) For an eternal moment, he stood there and stared at the pictures, then he noticed he was trembling. The thing was...he got it figured. "These limbs...I don't know why, but they scare me. Especially the snake." His trembling grew worse. "And the crack, and...OHMAITALLESTITSSOFREAKINGSCARYBURNTHATFUCKIN GSHITTOTHEFUCKINGGROUNDGIRDOITNOWDOIT!" Gir was chafed on the asphalt and hadn't caught up anything...or...did he? He stood up and beamed, with his eyes duty red. "You got it, mastur!" (A/N: -bate. Nyahaha *snort*) A badass AK-47 rose from Gir's robot head, and it shot lazer beams that hit everything in front of Gir, including Zim, leaving burning marks and other shit on him. Eventually, it shot the magazine too, that had originally be the intended to shoot. However, the alien pointed at Gir like the monkey from Chris's closet. "STUPID LITTLE ROBOT! YOU CAN'T DO THE TINIEST OF TURDS RIGHT!" Gir retreated the AK-47 into his head before bending his robot antenna in discontent sorrow. Then he started to cry H2O. "Nghh...ngh..nii...niii..." Gir started to sob. The Irken started to panic, afraid what's gonna happen. "No Gir! Please don't cry! I will buy you a millions of tacos!" The SIR unit stopped crying as if he had just been acting. "Really?" He offered a bright, hopeful smile.
'No, you dumb fuck. I'm just gonna get you out of here. No wait, ok, I want some tacos too...I think...wait, the readers can read what I think, right? ...Well, THEN I DIDN'T JUST THINK THAT...shoot. Too late.'
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" (A/N: My Immortal :D) They turned towards the ANNOYING noise, and SHYIT! It was Professor Membrane! "WHAT THE DUCKLING DUCK ARE YOU DOING TO MY PORN! PREPARE YOUR FATE!" He reached a hand inside his coat and took out a big gatling gun.
Zim twitched an eye. "Oh, crap." "WAFFLES!" Gir said, throwing his arms up in the air, not literally this time.
End of flashback
"Stop with those punk Family Guy jokes, they suck so hard!" Dib exclaimed. "Shut up, Dib-monkey." Zim said. "You're like an Invader Zim version of Meg Griffin at any rate." He concluded. "A-am not!" Dib argued. "Oh yeah? Remember the time when..." "No, master, please, no!" Gir interrupted him, resulting Zim glaring at him. How could he, HE interrupt his glorious MASTER?! That should be a law-break, and then biting a jaw-break.
CROOKED PUNS WILL AFFECT THE COMEDY LEVEL ON THIS STORY, SO THE AUTHOR MAY SHUT UP OR LEAVE THE FANFICTION COMMUNITY THIS INSTANT
Dib, Zim and Gir stared at me, who was nailing up a sign in the background. "Oh, sorry. I'm just...going to...nail this sign...umm...ok...I will go now...because having the author in the story is just what the over-attached fangirls do to themselves that people find annoying as damn...sometimes...uhmm...and make them into OCs is worse plus I-" "SHUT UP AND GET YOUR ASS OUT OF 'ERE!" Dib and Zim screamed, starting to throw fluffy...did I say fluffy? I mean, brick-filled pillows at me. I yelped and ran through the fourth wall to my right place and started to write...wait, how could I write if I was in the story? Gobble up the logicsauce. Gir cheered like a retard.
They forgot about the whole clothing incident, much to Dib's relief. And I, the author, am a lazy fatass so I will skip the whole plot thing, and will just let the situation turn into a Dib and a Zim on the sofa in the living room.
"Ok, what are we doing here again?" Zim asked, scratching his head.
Dib shrugged. "Dunno. The writer's block are coming into play, I guess."
There were candles lit everywhere surrounding darkness, turning the situation much more awkward than it already was. Dib decided to look from the corner from his eye, to where Zim was sitting. The alien wasn't quite ready to meet Dib's glance looking at him when he turned slightly to take a look at him, so he pretty much jumped, causing them both to look away again. Then they didn't think of the fact that they were moving closer to each other, since the time took most of their thoughts. Their hands briefly touched, and they both twitched again. Then when they both got a good view at each other. 'Humans look quite...good from a close-up..' 'Zim's the shit.' They both thought as they randomly started approaching each other, but right then Gir came right in between them. "Me and Piggy want to join hug game!" The little robot took a violent hold of their heads and nuzzled their cheeks with his. "CuddlecuddlecuddlecuddleCUDDLE! I'm a C, to the U, to the D-D-L-E-R! And here I came in moment killing like a yodeller, I'm CUDDLELICIOUS!" Gir sang very loudly almost the windows broke into pieces.
(A/N: Ok, I'm not gonna lie. A random fangirl came in a moment ago and threw meat loaf at me and screamed: "COCKBLOCKER!" over and over. Yeah, one of those. I'm okay now, at any rate. I will keep writing and shut my jaw.)
"Gir! Shut up this instant!" The robot nyawwed and hugged himself gleefully. "But you looked so cuddly and snuggly on this couch. It looked sort of..." "OBJECTION!" Zim shouted, whilst pointing a finger at Gir with a vibrating red text floating above them. Dib and Gir stared at him wide-eyed, and he didn't move an inch for a few moments before coughing awkwardly and looking down at the carpet. "Gir...just...don't you dare say the word. It would make my squeedlyspooch all topsy-turvy." The SIR unit's face turned blank, then he thought up an idea as he walked backwards towards another room, not taking his gaze from them until he exited the room. Dib and Zim sighed in relief but it didn't last a microsecond before Gir came in with a megaphone and almost made them deaf. "ROMANTIC!" The rest of the...uh...five minutes are censored due to the safety of teen-rated material.
Let's move on to something less retarded and random, shall we?
(A/N: I'm just joking around with the whole Zim/Dib concept, because...well, admit it, it's pretty ridiculous :3 so...bow-chika-bow-woow!)
"Dib human...get the fridge out of my home or I'll stick a cactus up your-" Gir interrupted, "You're afraid of human anatomy! DON'T! Boohoo-yaa!" Gir screamed by the top of his lungs, all the while dancing the gangnam style dance...randomly. He also had an iPod on and danced to the song he was listening to (You have to be educational to figure that one out lolilolol! Sarcasm, sucka!)
Zim shot the robot a glare...but it was hella hard because Gir was jumping around too fast for Zim to catch up. "I ain't afraid of nothing!" He gritted his teeth, and then heard someone clear his throat. It was Dib. Zim was about to finger his face to make him shut his face but Dib talked on anyway, because Zim is green as a cabbage (random excuse for a random event...)
"It's 'I ain't afraid of anything'. Saying two negative words makes it the positive." He stared away in disgust and disrespect. "Gosh, this country's grammar sucks."
Later, they wanted to sleep. Zim pushed Dib down in the basement so he could sleep on the ice-cold floor and freeze like a puppy, plus throwing down a tape with Nicki Minaj music so he wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. The alien gave off an evil laughter, cleared his throat and went back to Gir and Minimoose, who were sitting on the floor in pajamas.
"Tell us a bedtime story, MASTERR!" Gir said in his cute little green pajamas, fiddling on the pillow in his embrace. Minimoose cuddled it cutely. Zim went over to the couch to snatch away the blanket from Gir with taco patterns on it.
"No Gir. Stop being a softy-ass and try to live without it." He sighed and began getting ready for sleep, pulling the blanket over himself. Irkens barely slept but this is a fanfic and here everything makes sense! Gir started to cry. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The alien pulled the blanket over his head but it didn't work. Suddenly he stopped screaming. Curiosity overwhelming, the alien peeked over the blanket to stare at Gir. The robot just sat there, blank-faced. "Boy, you got my heartbeat runnin' away!" He sang. Zim screamed, covering his antennae. "Alright, alright I will tell you a story! If you don't shut up, I think I'm gonna have a heart att-aa-aa-aaa-aack!" (A/N: Sorry, I'm so obsessed with the song at the moment).The alien couldn't stand it when the lyrics made no sense. That's why he thought Nicki Minaj was the daughter of his natural nemesis...
They cuddled up. Gir lay on his stomach and supported his head with his hands. Minimoose lay on a pillow, and Zim sat like an american Indian (lol aren't they looking, like, goosy). He cleared his throat, and began telling the story. "Once upon a time, there was a big-headed retard named Dib. His absolutely outstanding, clever, handsome, and most of all legendary nemesis, Zim, hated him with all his heart, even though he keeps getting paired up with that stink-brain by the fangirls. He wanted to torture Dib so they decided to watch the Twilight Saga together. Dib's brain exploded half-way through until blood leaked out of his eyes, having seizures on the floor. And while he suffered, Zim laughed like a maniac. The alien threw out the idiot out of his property, and then he took a victorious shit. The end."
Gir was already asleep, and so was Minimoose. Zim shook his fist in anger. "How dare they fall asleep during my awesome story! It's should have a prize! Dammit, they should know be...be..." He screwed it seeing it was no juice. (lol) He lay down to sleep.
Then it overtook him.
The insomnia.
At every sound of the clock, his eye twitched. His veins pumped every second, and he felt like he heard his heartbeat, and it started to creep him the heck out.
He looked like a fucking racoon with the black rings around his eyes, and hearing the snoozing from his companions taunted him. He tried counting sloorbeezes, but it didn't work. So he got up, and went off to the base to see what could cure the insomnia.
He talked to Jhonen- I mean, the computer to see what was an Earthy cure for this.
"Computerrr! What is an Earthy cure of this symptom I suffer?" He yawned, having a teddybear- (Zim shoots me a glare)...I mean, whatever the hell it is.
"Searching...searching...searching completed." "Well?"
"Well, uhh...there is a tape with stories of H.C. Andersen, an author from Denmark..." The computer started, but got harshly interrupted.
"Wait a minute...Denmark...what the heck is that? Is it some sort of creature that lay eggs and the kids come out of the eggs and devour Irkens in a gory fest? NOOOOO!" He tugged his antennae in panic. The computer sighed.
"No...it's...eh, forget it. Then there is milk, a sort of substance..."
"What is it?!"
"A sort of sub-..."
"What is it?!"
"*sigh* A sort of substance that often makes your tired side show up when you drink it. It should be heated up. It comes from four-legged Earth creatures called 'cows'."
"Shut up, I know that!" Zim yelled, feeling embarrassed that he asked for something he knew. Then he thought of something. "Does this 'milk' contain any H2O substance?" (A/N: Look at me trying to sound smart.)
"I don't know. But the author of this fanfic doesn't give a balony about the logic so she says it doesn't...If it actually doesn't, she doesn't have to screw the logic anyways." The computer informed straight from me.
Zim, unexpectedly, thanked the robot for the info, put on his disguise and headed out in the middle of the night to find some cows. Gir had told him it wasn't hard to extract milk from cows, all he had to do was grab the cow's dugs on it's udder and squeeze, pull, squeeze, pull, squeeze, pull...
'Ok, let's leave it at that', Zim instantly thought.
He spotted a cow a few yards away and ran to it. Weirdly, it wasn't sleeping and as the ruminant it was, it sounded like it was puking. Zim thought this was a sign of disgust and put on his furious face.
"HOW DARE YOU FEEL DISGUSTED WHEN ZIM COMES AROUND!" He shook his fist at it, and the cow ignored him, making him even more pissed off than a cat protecting it's kittens.
"Don't you ignore me! I will! I-" The cow came up to Zim and gave him a huge cow-lick, ruining his wig. The alien gave it a death glare as he muttered. "Let's just get on with it..." Further add by wiping off the saliva on his clothing.
He looked around the abdomen area and saw a pink, roundish one near the back legs. But when he saw the dugs, he stiffened up completely.
He freaked out.
Zim psyched, letting out a girlish scream as he fell down on the ground; beginning to crouch backwards from the cow. He was starting to sweat, which wasn't good because he could melt from water. The heat was too much and he started to panic. "NOT QUADRUPLED HUMAN MALE ANATOMY! RETREAT!" He shouted, then he had that classic caveman scream from Conker's Bad Fur Day and ran off, not interrupting his screaming until he reached the house.
Eventually, he did fall asleep (All writing down the trash), but woke up when he heard bonking and yelling. Listening for a bit, he assumed it for being Dib. Gir who also woke up, followed suit his master as Zim walked down to the basement door and yelled back. "Will you keep it down?! Some people are trying to sleep here!" He was answered by gurgling screams and crying.
Gir's antenna bent in sorrow. "Master...why can't we let Dib sleep with us? His big head needs warmth." Zim didn't have the time to reject until Dib screamed again. "MY HEAD IS NOT BIG-EEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!"
They both stiffened up when they heard a familiar, stupid, disgusting female voice laughing on the other side of the door. Tak.
Zim instantly locked up the door and Gir dove in. He landed on Tak's face as she shouted and yelled, trying to pry Gir off of her. "An alien is stuck on my face! My stomach will be torn apart, I DON'T WANT TO DIEEEEE!" Gir just held onto her head as his little tongue sloppily hand out. "Derpilicious." He said absently.
Zim ran over to Dib. He was unconscious, but Zim thought he was dead. As he slapped Dib's face, he started to bawl like a human-worm-baby. "LIFE IS NOT FAIR! Why did Dib have to die? I was the one who was going to kill him, not Tak!"Also, by crying, Zim had broken a rule. Weird enough, Irkens could cry water, but they were forbidden to as it could melt them. That's why Irkens never grew up to be emotional and directly after birth was sent to training.
However, Dib coughed and woke up, and Zim jumped back. As Dib blinked to get into reality, he stared at Zim in an awkward silence. Then they suddenly nodded in unison and dived at Tak in order to defeat her.
They eventually did, with some boom-booms and bang-bangs here and there. They tied her up with ropes and never asked why she snuck into his base in the first place, cause they didn't want to know. It probably was related to kinkiness of some sort. Which disgusted them.
They had tied her to a rocket and was going to send it off, in 5, 4, 3...uh...the time doesn't go while I write, right?
She had panic evident in her eyes, and her muffled voice tried to tell them to, the obvious. Zim laughed maniacally. "NEVER! Gir, flip the bird at her!" "OKAY!"
Gir took a seagull and threw it up in the sky, screaming 'fireworks' over and over. Zim facepalmed hard, Dib doing the same. Zim slapping him for copying. Dib slapping back. Zim hitting Dib with a fist. Dib hitting back. Zim- 'SHUT UP!' 'You don't have to yell...'
When they went back into the house, Zim took the copy of Sims 2 and threw it at Dib. "Here, take it. Now, get out of my sight." Dib fiddled on the case and then hesitantly started to ask. "Zim..." The alien turned around with one eye half-lidded and the other glaring hard. "What is is...it?!" He yelled, stumbling on the words which is normally human. After that statement, he threw a rock at...ow!
"Would you like a hug?"
"Do you mean 'the hug of death?"
"No...I mean...a normal one."
The rest of the clip is censored. The censored version only got few frames caught and in them, if you play in slowmotion, you can see clips of Zim chasing Dib with a rock, throwing him out, and a few frames of Zim dressed as Macklemore from Thrift Shop...wait, whhhaaaaat?!"
It's just my brain playing a few games.
(A/N: I just thought up that Zim actually knows what a hug is. Proven in the "Germs" episode. So I edited that part now...)
Afterwards, of whatever happened, Zim went to his base to call the Tallest. He told them the whole story even if they didn't give two shits.
"So, you have some sort of love-hate relationship with Dib?" Purple asked, gobbling up a chocolate muffin.
Zim, who was respectful to the Tallest, didn't scream like he wanted to, but just stated facts. "No, we don't. Our relationship is...complicated. And I don't mean it like that!" Zim corrected, but it didn't stop the Tallest from snickering.
Zim groaned in frustration, as Gir was playing a game of "Ratchet and Clank" in the background.
"Never mind. Things are completely dandy. I have a new plan to start off with today. It's called: 'The attack of the Cookie-monster!'" He said as he drew his hands up and held them out in a huge gesture.
There was silence.
"You don't have the right to steal from Sesame Street." Red stated.
"Ah sh**!" Zim cursed.
It was censored to the Tallest so they didn't hear the word...nor figure out what it was. They didn't know how it was on Earth.
But they didn't care. They never cared about what Zim did. Or him.
"Uhh...I will come up with a new plan today. Invader Zim signing off! Gir, what did I tell you about having fun with video games, they are only meant to tolerate-"
ZAP!
Purple and Red stared at each other in silence, in boredom.
"Soo...McDonald's?" Purple suggested.
"You bet!" Red shouted and claw-fived Purple.
THE END
A/N: My poor attempt at being funny. If you didn't like it, I will torture myself with dubstep. If you did, I will torture myself with dubstep.
...
That wasn't correct was it...
Review to your heart's content XD