Title – Boys will be boys
Disclaimer – I don't own anything of Batman.
Summary – Alfred has come down with the flu and can not do his normal duties. Bruce, Dick, and Tim are about to starve so off they head out to the grocery store. But not even Batman can stop this craziness.
Rating – PG for Tim's mouth.
Author's Note – my first Batman story yay! Hope you enjoy
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Tim Drake sighed dramatically as he walked down the stairs ignoring the loud growls coming from his stomach. It has been three days since Alfred came down with the flu and Tim thought he was going to starve! Not a single person in this giant lonely mansion knew how to cook except Alfred. How the man kept up after them only someone as clever as The Mad Hatter would probably be able to figure it out.
Barbara came by the first day Alfred got sick and actually cooked for them, but then Dick had to insult her cooking. Babs never came back to cook.
Bruce was at the office like normal but he was due home any minute now so that's why he decided to come down stairs instead of sulking in his room like usual. Maybe if he told Bruce he was dying of starvation and sucked in his air puffing out his ribs making him look emancipated the old bat would believe he was actually starving.
Instead he found Dick laying on the couch watching the news or… more like listening to the news since he was draped over the couch like a wet sloth.
Tim grabbed the remote from the floor and smacked Dick over the head with it as he sat down on the older man's butt.
"Hey!" Dick shouted twisting around to kick the teen off of him.
"What's wrong Sleeping Beauty? Did I wake you up too early?" When Tim finally turned around to look at him he grimaced, "Ew… I really did wake you up too early."
Dick's normally sleek hair was ruffled up from sweat and sleeping on it. His eyes were a bit puffy and drool was soaking his lips and the poor pillow. "Shut up midget I never went to sleep last night!"
Tim shrugged his shoulders and sat down on the floor switching the channel to a documentary on the criminally insane, "Not my fault you spent the whole night watching your playgirls instead of sleeping."
"You- What?! You were spying on me!" Dick yelled sitting upright glaring at the teen's black head.
"I wanted some water and when I walked by your room I heard giggling so when I opened your door a crack I saw it on TV… like I said not my fault!"
"Why you little-" Dick jumped off of the couch and pounced on the boy, but he was much faster surprisingly faster for someone who is starving.
"Hey I was only being honest! Don't move so fast I might die from over exertion!" He yelped when a fist came flying into his thigh.
"Over exertion!? I'll show you over exertion!"
"No wait Dick! I'm hungry and you are too we need to save our energy!" The teen pleaded when his head was caught in a head lock and pounded on by the former Boy Wonder.
"What are you doing?" A steady low voice drawled out breaking the boys from their fight. They both looked and saw their surrogate father glaring at them.
They broke apart and scratched the back of their heads awkwardly.
"Well you see Bruce we're so hungry that we were trying to eat each other!" Tim explained carefully and sucked in his breath and lifted his shirt to show Bruce his ribs.
The older man pursed his lips looked at Dick, "what is your story?"
Knowing if he tried to get Tim on going in his room the brat would defend himself and spill the beans about his … channel. So he did the only other smart option.
"We tried to eat each other…" He said lamely. Way to go Dick you made yourself look dumb.
Bruce looked menacing until his stomach growled then he sighed and slumped his shoulders. "I know… with Alfred sick we really haven't been eating huh… well… I have an idea."
The boys brightened at that idea thinking the Bruce was finally going to break down and get some take out.
"Let's go shopping ourselves. We're three men, we can handle it if we go together."
Tim snapped his fingers, "Aw man I was hoping for some lazy man pizza tonight…"
Dick glared at the kid but deep down he knew he felt the exact same way.
"Nonsense, we'll manage fine. I'm going to go talk to Alfred and grab the list then we'll head out." Bruce said turning around swiftly and headed towards the stair case.
Not fifteen minutes later the boys were strapped in and clutching onto their seatbelts with their lives. Seeing Batman drive was a normal thing for them and the crazy driving was to be expected since they were in the batmobile chasing crazy mobsters. But this was Bruce Wayne driving who never drove a normal car unless he was learning to drive or to teach Tim how to drive but even that was in the batmobile.
When they finally made it to the store both younger men were paler then the joker's face when they stepped out.
"Guess Bruce forgot this wasn't the batmoile…" Tim whispered to Dick as they grabbed a cart and stepped inside, "So what's on the list?"
Bruce pulled out a piece of paper and was about to read it until Tim grabbed it and began reading, "chicken, beef, mashed potatoes, veggies, paper towels, vitamins… boring, boring, boring." He looked up at Dick, "hemorrhoid cream? Yuck!"
Dick blushed and spluttered out, "That's not mine! And it's not hemorrhoid cream it's hemp cream! It's for deep wounds!"
"Huh… well whatever…" Tim snickered at his blushing older surrogate brother.
"Come on guys let's just get this over with…" Bruce said pushing the cart along the aisles of every possible thing edible.
After about twenty minutes they finally started to fill the cart with the items Alfred asked them to get. Everything was going well until they made it to the produce aisle.
"What's on the list next Timmy?" Dick asked trying to peak over the boys shoulder but he wouldn't allow it.
"Definitely not fruits and veggies…"
Dick nodded, "So get all the veggies and fruits you can find. Bruce… what are you doing?"
It was a pitiful sight really… watching billionaire Bruce Wayne of the biggest corporation who could bring a grown man down to his knees from a glare and by night take down hundreds of bad guys and smugglers picking the grapes off of the stem and putting them in a bag.
"I'm getting grapes. Alfred always puts them in bowls and I never see stems on them so I'm guessing this is how he does it."
Dick rolled his eyes and walked over to the older man, "that's because he prepares the grapes before serving them…" he grabbed the grape stem and placed them in a bag.
Bruce nodded and began doing the same thing to the tomatoes and potatoes.
"Hey Dick catch!" Tim yelled from across the fruit stands. Dick looked up but it was too late, a giant whole pineapple got him in the side of his face leaving tiny cuts on the side of his face.
"Why you little!"
"Timothy Drake! Over here now." Bruce demanded looking at the poor helpless pineapple laying on the floor besides Dick's feet.
"I was just getting some fruit like Alfred requested…" He smiled that innocent smile that usually got him out of trouble. He's just a kid, they would say. Oh how he hated to be called a kid, but when it got him out of trouble he loved it.
Bruce shook his head and continued to grab what was needed as Tim stuck his tongue out at Dick. Only he saw it and that's how the chase began. Tim's eyes grew huge as his older brother lunged foreword and tried to wrap his hands around his tiny neck.
"I'm thinking prunes are good… what do you guys think?" Bruce asked turning around waiting for a reply from his two young wards.
"Oh I think they are lovely. Especially when you're constipated." An older woman said smiling up at Bruce. He shivered just thinking about it and put the shriveled up purple fruit back down and noticed that the boys were gone.
"Damn…" He muttered.
Dick and Tim raced through the throngs of people being careful with their levels of training and agility to not run into people. That was until they got to the cheese isle and a big woman rounded the corner just as Tim did. The poor boy slammed straight in between her breasts and stopped all movements.
"Oh dear!" She cried looking down, "What are you doing?!" She screeched and shoved the teen out of her cleavage and made sure to hit the boy hard over the head with her purse.
It was too funny and perfect that Dick forgot all about killing his younger brother.
Tim thought his punishment was over until the woman began repeatedly hitting him over the head with her purse.
Dick was starting to worry about brain damage when Bruce rounded the corner and stopped the woman from hitting his young ward.
"Excuse me mam but why are you assaulting him?" Bruce said calmly shoving Tim behind him.
"This pervert ran straight for my chest! Little demon he is!"
Bruce looked behind him at Dick who shrugged, back Tim who looked dazed and confused, and finally at the woman who was seething, "Wait I know who you are, Bruce Wayne! I sure hope all of the kids you take under your wing aren't as horrible as this one Mr. Wayne. Legal guardian or not that kid is a menace!"
"I'm terribly sorry Mam… it will not happen again I promise… he must have just tripped or something."
The woman grumbled and took off down the aisle ignoring Bruce and gave Tim one last glare.
Once she was gone Bruce rounded on the boys demanding with his eyes an explanation.
"Timmy ran into her on accident and then she started attacking him. I think he has brain damage."
They both turned to look at the kid and yes… he was swaying slightly and his eyes were glazed slightly, "Are you okay Tim?"
Tim looked up at his guardian and smiled, "I can take a hit from anyone! Hey what are those!" He cried pointing to a row of black boxes and pink packages.
Bruce and Dick immediately knew what that row was… that was the off limit zone but Tim had ruthlessly had wandered inside without any regard at all. The… feminine aisle. The pink packages with flowers and blue boxes weren't what struck Tim's attention but the tiny black boxes at the beginning of the row.
"Condoms? Why are they with the girl stuff?" Tim asked picking up a black box with glowing words saying glow in the dark.
"Tim! Put that down and get over here now!" Dick yelled blushing deeply.
Bruce was looking away making sure no one saw them.
"I was just looking." He shrugged and put the box back walking out of aisle.
"Timmy how do you even know what a condom is?" Dick ground out giving him that you better answer right or your dead look.
"You shouldn't! You're only thirteen." Bruce frowned.
Tim frowned and rolled his eyes, "fifteen Bruce… fourteen."
Dick started to laugh hysterically and began walking down the other way with the cart along with him. "How horrible! You're his legal guardian and you don't know squat!"
Bruce glared at Dick and turned to Tim, "I know you are fourteen, I just said the wrong thing."
"Yeah and my ass doesn't look like Dick's face." Tim scoffed.
Dick glared at the obvious insult but shut his mouth as they got into the check out line.
"No cursing! How many times do I have to tell you?" Bruce scolded and began unloading the cart.
"Oh Mr. Wayne, what can I do for you? Please let me help you with the groceries." An employee cried pulling the veggies from his hands.
Tim rolled his eyes and whispered to Dick, "He may kick ass at fighting crime but he sucks at everything else because everyone else kisses his ass."
Dick smacked Tim on the back of the head, "no swearing!" But the smile on his face was seen from amusement.
It only took two employees to get the groceries into the car even though Dick and Tim could easily do it themselves. But the store insisted saying Tim was a tiny young growing boy and needed his strength. Dick smirked as Tim fumed. Yeah he was a scrawny kid who could kick bad guy ass easily! Then they said Dick didn't need to be smelly when he goes out with the ladies. It was Tim's turn to blush at that being said. He always teased his older brother about being a play boy. Once they got in the car the ride home was a quiet one.
Somehow they managed to pull the groceries in the house and into the kitchen without anyone getting hurt.
That was until Tim decided it would be funny to set the canned goods down where Dick was walking. Obviously he couldn't see it because he was carrying rolls of paper towels stacked above his head.
THUD! Plumb Plumb Clang…..
Tim began laughing as hard as he could seeing his brother sprawled out on the ground luckily he was saved from serious injuries thanks to the many paper towels but his ego sure was bruised.
"Urgh! Timmy I'm going to kill you!" Dick shouted getting up and chased the younger Robin around the table that was until Bruce came out with that look that meant doom.
Both boys stopped and dropped down to pick up the fallen items pretending like nothing happened at all. Bruce could have said something but instead he began putting the veggies and the fruit away in the fried and left it at that due to an already stressful day.
"So… what's for dinner?" Dick asked picking up some chicken breast.
Bruce and Tim looked at each other then at Dick, "We thought you were going to."
"What?! I thought you were going to Tim weren't you in a cooking class?"
Tim blushed and shrugged, "I failed that class anyways. If you guys really want me to cook fine but don't come crying to me when you get the shits."
Bruce smacked him on the back of the head, "No swearing." It seemed at every chance he got he was smacking the poor kid around due to his mouth.
Tim rubbed the back of his head and frowned, "Well what do you wan us to do then?"
"I guess I'll help you guys out and cook for you tonight, but JUST this once." A female voice said from the giant grandfather clock.
"Yay Babs you make amazing food!" Tim shouted smiling big.
Bruce looked over her way and nodded, "Thank you Barbara we would really appreciate it." After that was said he took off to the study to do… whatever it is that Bruce did when not as Batman.
Dick shrugged and patted the red head on the shoulder. "Yeah thanks Barb."
It has been only a few hours with Barbara coming in and out of the kitchen every so often waiting on things to heat up to join Dick and Tim playing video games in the living room. Finally dinner was ready and everyone including Alfred was seated at the dinning table enjoying Barbara's sautéed chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn.
"Wow this is yummy Babs!" Tim spoke with his mouthful only to receive a disappointed glare from Alfred that could make even the Joker upset for disappointing someone like Alfred.
"yeah… pretty good." Dick agreed taking another bite of his chicken.
"I do say Master Barbara this does envy my cooking." Alfred nodded.
"I see you are doing better already Alfred. All that sleep do you good?" Bruce asked looking at the older man.
Alfred nodded, "Yes Master Bruce, how was your grocery shopping with the Master Dick and Master Timothy?"
Even the red headed Batgirl was curious about this that she stopped eating. Tim and Dick looked at Bruce waiting his answer but it seemed the older man simply did not want to talk about it.
"Let's just say the boys will have extra scouting duties tonight, like cleaning the automobiles." Was all Bruce Wayne said as he took a bite of his mashed potatoes.
Barbara smiled, Alfred chuckled lightly, and poor Dick and Tim grumbled into their food. They sure will be glad when Alfred was back to normal health and didn't need them to do the errands. It's bad enough having to go with Bruce but to be punished also? Now that was just sad…
Welp here it is! My very first Batman one shot story. I don't think I'm ready for a big story yet, I need to get more familiar with this sort of writing style. But anyways I hope you guys enjoy! :D