All characters and plot developments belong to Stephenie Meyer.
This chapter corresponds to Breaking Dawn Book 1 Chapter 2 - Long Night
"I miss you already," Bella murmured against my lips.
We lay, intertwined on her small bed, with a thick blanket between us to protect her from the coolness of my skin. Bella had removed my shirt long ago and now her left hand rested against my lower back spreading vibrant warmth and energy through my core. Her father slept in the next room, ignorant of my presence this night and almost every night since I had returned to Forks.
"I don't need to leave. I can stay. . ." I could not believe how time stood still while our lips were joined, and yet time still traveled too quickly.
"Mmmm."
That simple sound was so delicious that I gave up on speaking. Our mouths communicated more fluently than words. Mine, hard and unforgiving, and hers, soft and sweet and sensual. They spoke of passion and need and the immeasurable love we shared.
I opened my eyes, fascinated by the tiny blood vessels visible beneath the thin skin of her eyelids, the lush black lashes that fluttered where they rested against her flushed cheeks, and the thick, dark hair that framed her heart-shaped face. Bella's eyes opened as our lips parted with a gentle sigh.
I drowned in her eyes, but drowning was a fate I embraced. I sank deeper and deeper, seeing the purity of her spirit, her goodness, her indomitable strength and courage. Every time I looked into her eyes, I fell in love again.
With her fingers buried in my hair, she pulled my face back to hers. Our lips renewed their spontaneous dance.
"Definitely staying," I managed to whisper several heartbeats later.
"No, no. It's your bachelor party. You have to go." Her words were at odds with her body language. While she spoke, the fingers of her right hand twisted in my hair and her other hand pressed against the small of my back, holding me tightly against her. I stroked her face carefully, trying to find the perfect analogy for the feeling of her skin under my fingertips. There were no words to do it justice.
"Bachelor parties are designed for those who are sad to see the passing of their single days. I couldn't be more eager to have mine behind me. So there's really no point." This modern human tradition of gathering the male family members and friends together for a night of drunkenness and debauchery sounded neither fun nor attractive. Jasper and Emmett had been guarding their thoughts carefully, but I was fairly certain Alice and Rosalie would not stand for that type of revelry either.
"True." Bella agreed. She seemed happy with my reasoning. Her warm breath on my throat sealed my decision. I was not leaving her bed unless I was forcefully removed.
Bella ran her hand softly down my body, her fingertips tracing the muscles of my chest and stomach. Her touch was feather-light and warm, sending a jolt of electricity through my frame. My lips quickly found hers. Her tongue brushed across my bottom lip, delicious, tantalizing. I could not resist the sweet taste or the softness that caressed my mouth so invitingly.
But I had to. I pulled back slightly, giving both of us space, however her hands gripped my bare shoulders. I stopped, surprised.
"Wait," she said, pressing her body against mine. I felt her leg wrap around my waist, drawing me closer to her. The heat emanating from her body was doing strange things to me. I was starting to have trouble concentrating on anything other than the feel of her embrace. "Practice makes perfect," she continued.
Chuckling softly I replied, "Well, we should be fairly close to perfection by this point, then, shouldn't we? Have you slept at all in the last month?"
We had spent every night in each other's arms, kissing, talking softly about our plans, our families, our favorite books and music. I worried about how little she was sleeping, but whenever I pressed the subject she found another topic that she just had to question me about. It was gratifying to me that she didn't want to miss anything. That she wanted to spend every moment with me. My heart thrilled with the overwhelming love I felt for her and the intense pleasure of having it returned.
"But this is the dress rehearsal, and we've only practiced certain scenes. It's no time for playing it safe," Bella purred with a playful smile on her lips.
My breath caught in my throat. Her voice was like smooth velvet, soft and seductive. I wanted her so deeply, that every fiber of my being ached with the need. Self-control had never caused me so much pain. This desire was more primal than the hunt, more forceful than the sharpest thirst. I hungered for this with a fierce intensity that blinded me. It terrified me. How could I control this beast inside of me?
I had almost surrendered to the monster within that thirsted for her blood. My self-control had been tested to its absolute limit, and only luck and the love of my family had saved Bella's life then. How could I control this titanic craving?
"Bella. . . ," I whispered, struggling to focus on speaking those two short syllables.
"Don't start this again. A deal's a deal." There was an edge of frustration in her voice.
I was frozen. The heat of our embrace chilled me now.
"I don't know. It's too hard to concentrate when you're with me like this." I could barely complete my sentence, desperately grasping at the words as my mind raced down long worn paths of fear and panic. "I—I can't think straight. I won't be able to control myself. You'll get hurt." I was rushing now, trying to make her see just how desperate I was feeling.
"I'll be fine," she reassured me.
How could she know? She had no idea of the battle I faced every second we spent together. She could not possibly understand how fragile she felt in my arms. How could she be so confident in my control when I was walking on the blade-thin edge of self-restraint?
"Bella. . ." I was almost pleading with her now, panic plain on my face.
"Shh!" Her lips pressed against mine once again, her determination, or obstinacy, breaking briefly through my concentration. I cautiously returned her kiss before pulling back with a wry smile.
"How are your feet?" I joked, desperate to redirect where this was going.
"Toasty warm," she smiled, rubbing her right foot gently along my calf. My self-control was dealt another small blow. I grasped at conversation as my lifeline now.
"Really? No second thoughts? It's not too late to change your mind," I pressed, although with Bella I knew it was fruitless.
"Are you trying to ditch me?" Her tone was playful, but I detected a hint of annoyance in her words.
I chuckled again. "Just making sure. I don't want you to do anything you're not sure about."
Her reply was immediate, a stubborn set to her chin. "I'm sure about you. The rest I can live through."
Can you? Will you? I quickly squashed that train of thought and redirected the conversation to another subject we had both agonized over for weeks and months.
"Can you?" I spoke out loud this time. "I don't mean the wedding, which I am positive you will survive despite your qualms, but afterward. . . what about Renee, what about Charlie?"
She sighed. I watched her eyebrows pull together slightly with hidden pain, her brown eyes were troubled as she murmured, "I'll miss them."
"Angela and Ben and Jessica and Mike." I pressed on, dredging up the trappings of her human life that she seemed so determined to abandon.
"I'll miss my friends, too," she replied. And then I saw her smile, her voice teasing. "Especially Mike. Oh, Mike! How will I go on?"
I growled low in my throat, pretending to be jealous. She laughed quickly at my response, but the humor was gone almost instantly.
"Edward, we've been through this and through this. I know it will be hard, but this is what I want. I want you, and I want you forever. One lifetime is simply not enough for me."
"Frozen forever at eighteen," I whispered.
She could not know how the spirit stagnated when physical change ceased. She could not understand how the changes and aging of the human body were so closely interlinked with the growth and maturation of the mind. Even physical pain and injury could shape the longevity and fortitude of spirit that makes a person stronger. Without struggle and strife, what catalyst was there to drive you forward? Vampires, once changed, were frozen in more ways than the physical. . .
"Every woman's dream come true," she teased.
I was not being facetious and her light tone hurt. Melancholy settled over me as I thought of another sacrifice I knew she would be making. She brushed off the loss of friends and family so easily, but how could she deny her birthright as a woman? I knew from Esme's and Rosalie's heartbreak that sacrificing motherhood was a burden I did not want Bella to carry. She may not realize it now, but at what point would she register her loss? How would she look at me then, once it had already been stolen from her?
"Never changing. . . never moving forward." If she could only see what I was trying to show her. I desperately wanted her to understand but I could not bring myself to lay all my concerns before her.
"What does that mean?" My tone and manner had finally sunk through her forced cheer. I answered her slowly, gauging her reaction.
"Do you remember when we told Charlie we were getting married? And he thought you were. . . pregnant?"
"And he thought about shooting you," she laughed. "Admit it—for one second, he honestly considered it."
The image of a shotgun had crossed his mind, but I felt no humor at the thought. I prepared myself for my confession, completely unsure of how Bella would react.
"What, Edward?" Bella pressed.
"I just wish. . . well, I wish that he'd been right."
"Gah," she gasped. He cheeks blushed red and her eyes opened wider with surprise.
I knew that wasn't going to come out right. It wasn't that I wished Bella was really pregnant. Then. But the thought of her standing next to me, her hand held protectively over the swell of her stomach, was a dream I knew I would never have.
"More that there was some way he could have been, that we had the potential. I hate taking that away from you, too."
I would never hear the flutter of a tiny heart, or see her belly grow with the miracle of a new life. I would never sit with her thumbing through a book of names, matching them with 'Cullen' to find the perfect combination. I would never sit by her side, rocking a tiny being in my arms while she slept. This was one gift I would never give her. A taste of humanity I would never share. While I could accept that loss for myself, stealing that future from the one woman I loved above all else was the most black-hearted theft imaginable.
Her eyes searched my face for a full minute before she responded. "I know what I'm doing."
"How could you know that, Bella? Look at my mother, look at my sister. It's not as easy a sacrifice as you might imagine."
"Esme and Rosalie get by just fine. If it's a problem later, we can do what Esme did—we'll adopt."
I sighed. Esme and Rosalie did NOT get by just fine. They hid their pain well from the others, but I felt their loss every time they saw a human infant. I knew their memories and relived their regrets. Theirs was a loss and a sacrifice too great to put into words.
"It's not right! I don't want you to have to make sacrifices for me. I want to give you things, not take them away from you. I don't want to steal your future. If I were human—"
Her soft fingers across my lips halted me mid-sentence. "You are my future. Now, stop. No moping, or I'm calling your brothers to come and get you. Maybe you need a bachelor party," she threatened with a smirk.
"I'm sorry. I am moping, aren't I? Must be the nerves."
I wrestled my thoughts away from my regrets and guilt. There were so many other things that were weighing on my mind. Creating new problems served no purpose. I was already severely preoccupied with the question of whether Jacob Black would accept my invitation and how the human guests would feel among the eleven golden-eyed vampires. Also, of course, the honeymoon was always in the back of my mind; tangled doubts and fears of fulfilling my promise to Bella.
"Are your feet cold?" she glanced slyly down to the foot of the bed where our feet were tangled in the blankets.
"Not in that sense. I've waited a century to marry you, Miss Swan. The wedding ceremony is the one thing I can't wait. . ."
Come out, come out wherever you are!
Emmett's mental call taunted me. From his point of view, I could hear Jasper's stealthy passage off to his right and see the light from Bella's house up ahead. Jasper's thoughts were quiet, showing me only a slightly altered perspective of their swift approach.
"Oh, for the love of all that's holy!"
"What's wrong?" Bella was shocked and confused by my dark tone.
"You don't have to call my brothers. Apparently Emmett and Jasper are not going to let me bow out tonight." Emmett's muffled laugh carried through the open window.
"Have fun." She held me tightly for a second before releasing me with a resigned smile.
I saw Emmett's jump in his mind the second before he sprang. Clinging to the narrow sill, he scraped his diamond-hard fingernails against the glass letting out a bone-chilling screech. I met his fiendish grin with a harassed glare.
"If you don't send Edward out, we're coming in after him," Emmett hissed.
"Go, before they break my house." Bella was laughing at my brother's antics. Emmett dropped back to the ground with a quiet laugh.
With a long-suffering sigh, I rolled my eyes, dragged myself from her warm embrace and shrugged into my shirt. "Go to sleep. You've got a big day tomorrow."
"Thanks! That's sure to help me wind down," Bella replied sarcastically. I paused, smiling as I considered ordering my brothers away and falling back into her arms.
"I'll meet you at the altar." I vowed. Those words were like a rush of adrenaline in my veins. My whole body hummed in anticipation of that moment.
"I'll be the one in white." She wore a bland smile, but her attempt at nonchalance was ruined by the slight quaver in her voice.
"Very convincing," I chuckled. Somehow I found the force of will to leave.
Saying goodbye to Bella always caused me pain even if I was only gone for a short time. The anxiety I felt was partly due to my worry that she would be hurt in my absence; that I would not be there to ensure her safety. But the stronger emotion was harder to define. I was afraid that she would change her mind, somehow. That somewhere in her human thoughts, perpetually hidden from me, something would finally click and she would realize the impossibility of our love, that she would no longer want to doom herself to an eternity with me; a monster.
Her love, her adoration—I could not deny their existence. But when I examined the intensity of my love and need for her, for every part of her mind, body, and soul, I knew that there was no possible way for her love to be as great as mine. I would cease to exist without her. Such a cliché. But, in my case, so completely true.
I committed the image of her sitting there in her bed to memory. Her lips curved into a wry smile, her hair tangled and still damp from her shower, the rumpled, old T-shirt that she always wore to bed in lieu of pajamas.
Be Safe. I spoke to her silently as I sprang out her window into the night.
My eyes instantly found Emmett crouching next to a tall pine. I twisted in the air to land on him, my full weight striking him in the left shoulder. Emmett cursed and I slugged him in the same shoulder.
"Watch your language, Em," I scolded.
"You'd better not make him late," we all heard Bella speak softly from her room.
Jasper leaped lightly into the air, gripping the frame of her window as he replied, "Don't worry, Bella. We'll get him home in plenty of time." We had to guilt trip him into coming with us tonight. Not even the Volturi could keep him away from you tomorrow. He finished the thought silently in his head for my benefit.
I sensed the wave of calm reassurance he sent washing over Bella and whispered, "Thanks, Jazz."
Her sheets rustled and the bed creaked as she sat up to address Jasper. "Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?"
I could hear curiosity warring with a tinge of jealousy. Did she honestly think I would frequent such establishments? That I would have any desire to see any other woman in that way? I couldn't help the surge of hurt I felt. I shouldn't be offended. In the context of this modern world it was a legitimate question.
Emmett grappled me to the ground, taking advantage of my brief distraction to get his revenge. "Don't tell her anything!" he growled. I slipped out from his grip, snaking my foot behind his leg to bring him down hard. Thud. I snickered at his slightly bewildered look. Gotcha.
"Relax," Jasper told her. "We Cullens have our own version. Just a few mountain lions, a couple of grizzly bears. Pretty much an ordinary night out."
"Thanks, Jasper," she responded, obviously relieved.
I heard her settle back into her pillow with a sigh as Jasper dropped silently to the ground and we raced down to Emmett's Jeep where it was parked deep in the shadows of an overgrown fir tree. Emmett flung himself into the driver's seat, ignoring the off-road harness, and brought the powerful V8 to life. An upstairs light in the house two doors down blinked on accompanied by the irritated thoughts of the neighbor we had awakened.
Emmett took full advantage of the upgrades Rosalie had installed as we raced out of town and took off into the forest along an abandoned logging road. The closely planted trees hugged the road on either side, low-hanging branches scraping against the sides of the Jeep. When the way became too crowded, we abandoned the vehicle and continued on foot.
Hunting was a necessity tonight, for sure. Our house would be inundated with humans tomorrow, thanks to Alice's extensive guest list, and I didn't know how long it would be before I personally would be able to hunt large game again. Emmett teased me without mercy as we ran east toward the mountains. We stayed clear of trails where hikers might have been camping, angling further south as we left civilization behind us. Jasper ran wordlessly, keeping his thoughts carefully focused on the surrounding forest.
Many miles later, Emmett tired of his teasing, aggravated by my unresponsiveness. He launched himself toward me, trying to ram me into a tree. I caught the flicker of his thoughts and, at the last instant, dodged his assault. The aged evergreen was not so lucky. Emmett crashed into it like a juggernaut, the 14-inch thick trunk splintered and cracked. The towering tree came crashing down, knocking over two other trees. The twisting and snapping sounds were deafening as they echoed off the hills around us. I raised my eyebrow at Emmett's shocked expression. His brow lowered into a threatening glare and Jasper burst into loud guffaws.
"Cheater!" he muttered under his breath. I crouched in anticipation. He had not decided to attack yet, but he toyed with the possibilities there in his thoughts.
"Hold it!" Jasper interrupted the imminent violence with a raised hand, still chuckling a bit. Emmett and I froze.
"Emmett, lay off for a minute. Edward, we wanted to get you alone tonight to hunt, but also because I can tell you're really anxious about something. Carlisle said you may come to talk to us about something, but you never did. I can tell you're stressed out, I mean, of course you are. You're getting married tomorrow! But Em and I just thought, if there's anything we can say or do to help you out. . . well, we're here for you."
I glanced at Emmett. He had straightened from his crouch and now leaned nonchalantly against a tree. Emmett had always possessed an almost mercurial ability to sidestep from lethal violence, to raucous humor, to funereal calm in the blink of the eye. He nodded once in agreement. Glancing back at Jasper, I saw that he was honestly worried about me and I thought about what Carlisle could have been referring to.
The forest was silent, still recovering from the aftermath of Emmett's horseplay. My brothers were looking at me expectantly, waiting for a response.
Realization dawned on me and I was suddenly embarrassed. I had cornered Carlisle many weeks ago, when Bella had first given me the ultimatum. She would only marry me if. . . I tried not to let my mind complete that thought. Carlisle had patiently reassured me, always confident in my self-restraint. His trust was almost disillusioning, because I knew that it was ill-founded.
Something must have showed on my face, because Emmett suddenly pushed away from the tree and was in front of me in a fraction of a second. Two hands grasped me by the shoulders and I looked up into his concerned eyes. His eyes narrowed and then his mouth turned up into a smirk.
"Ha! Are you kidding? No freaking way! Was this your idea or hers?" His thoughts revealed that he had jumped to the correct conclusion. I saw the image of my face in his mind, worry, guilt and fear warring with anticipation and excitement. He was definitely getting a lot of satisfaction out of my mortification. A growl erupted from my throat before I could stem the sudden anger rising in me.
"Whoa, wait a minute," Jasper intervened again. "You guys are going to try after all? We all thought you were going to wait until she was changed!"
My shoulders bowed under the hideous weight of my internal turmoil. I sank wearily to sit on a mossy boulder. With my elbows on my knees, I buried my face in my hands. "She insisted," I said, my words muffled and barely audible. "It's the only way she would agree to marry me."
"Tough break, bro!" Emmett was his usual, unstoppable, cheerful self.
"So, how are you going to manage that?" Jasper was curious, concerned.
I lifted my head to meet his worried glance. "I don't know. I don't even know what to expect. I've never. . ."
"Wait!" Emmett interrupted. "Never? I mean, I know you turned Tanya down, I thought you were just choosy. But, never?"
I shook my head wordlessly.
"Not even before you were changed?" he pressed.
I shrugged my assent. That stopped him. He was truly at a loss for words, both mental and verbal.
The despair I was feeling was palpable and I welcomed Jasper's calming influence. I took two shuddering breaths before I responded. "We're both. . . virgins." The word was awkward and uncomfortable to say out loud. From his thoughts, I knew Jasper had suspected as much, but Emmett was clearly astounded.
"Wow. That's all I can say, wow!" Emmett looked at me again. "So I guess you're just going have to be ready to change her right then, right?" His cavalier acceptance that I would injure Bella so badly infuriated me beyond words and I sprang at him without thinking.
My attack was more controlled than his had been, and I instantly had him by the throat, pressed up against the same tree he had just stepped away from. My jaw was clenched in rage, wishing he would fight back so that I could channel some of my fear and pain away from myself. However, he raised his hands in peace, patiently waiting for me to loosen my choke hold.
"Easy, bro. I didn't mean to piss you off. I was just curious, I guess. I mean, you have a plan, right?"
My anger dissipated as quickly as it had come. I released him and turned away, dejected.
"I'm sorry." My words were a whisper.
"Would it help to talk about it?" Jasper interjected. "Maybe if you knew a little bit more about what to expect you wouldn't be so torn up. You might be able to handle it better, you know?" Emmett nodded in agreement.
I looked from one to the other, seeing their thoughts, astounded by the offer they presented. Their selfless gesture ignited a spark of hope within me.
My gratitude was heartfelt as my brothers stood close to me in that rain-soaked forest, one on each side with their hand on my shoulder. They loved me, and they cared deeply for Bella. Neither one of them envied my predicament, but they stood by me, supporting me, encouraging me. Both Jasper and Emmett opened up to me, dredging up their most personal, intimate memories for me to understand. Time stood still as I relived some of the most powerful experiences of my brothers' lives.
In all our decades together, I had worked so hard to distract myself and muffle the overflow of thoughts and images whenever they made love to their wives. Now, for the first time, I opened my own mind fully to their multi-layered experiences. I did not feel at all like a voyeur. Instead, I was overwhelmed by the unconditional love and trust that these men offered me. Truly, nobody in the history of the world had two brothers like mine.
Emmett tried to compare what he felt during intimacy with the pure exhilaration of drinking human blood. It was too invigorating, too tempting, too primal an instinct to deny it. And yet, I thought, we all lived without that pleasure and fulfillment. I didn't think what I felt for Bella would be so easy to control.
Jasper was more understanding of the emotional onslaught that came hand in hand with the union of two bodies. His love and adoration for Alice colored every memory with rich rainbow hues. However, for both Jasper and Emmett, their first times were distant, faded human memories— dark and out of focus compared to the brilliance of vampire experiences.
Even so, it helped. Knowing helped.
Gradually, the rapport we shared slowed. I took a deep breath to steady myself, and then another.
"Thank you, both." This time my voice was stronger and the anxiety had faded ever so slightly. I was still afraid, but hopeful that I would be able to control myself and give Bella what she so desperately wanted.
Emmett grinned and slapped me on the shoulder. "No problem, just don't tell Rosalie. She doesn't like to think about the 'other girls' even though they were decades ago, before I ever met her."
"Oh, believe me. I would never betray your trust. I owe you so much more than that! This one goes with us to the grave. Figuratively speaking, of course. . ."
Jasper hugged me quickly, pounding me on the back. "Come on, let's hunt! I heard some campers spotted a mountain lion just north of Quinault earlier this week. Let's help repay our debt to society."
"Your debt," Emmett snickered. "You've got decades worth of slaughtering innocents to make up for."
Jasper didn't respond to Emmett's barb. It was an obvious attempt to shift attention away from me. He never lifted the soothing pressure of his gift. With a shrug and a fortifying breath of the pine scented air I followed them, settling into an easy, ground devouring lope and casting out my senses, searching for that signature musky scent.
Four hours later, we were scaling the icy cliffs of Mt. Olympus. Our thirst sated for now, we playfully challenged one another to climb the rocky heights. The exertion was invigorating and we quickly reached the summit, which was ice-capped, even in August. Facing the east we watched as fingers of light crept up to reclaim the night sky. Streaks of amber and pink spread out, heralding the dawn. As the golden orb crested the horizon, we were bathed in its pure brilliance.
I tipped my head back, reveling in the warmth of the breaking dawn. I stretched my arms high. My bare skin refracted the light, casting brilliant rainbows across the snowy expanse. All worry was washed away and my being sang with joy and anticipation. Today I would be joined, mind, body and soul, with the most perfect of creatures.
Laughter erupted from my chest and I embraced my brothers, ignoring their bemused expressions. Without hesitation I threw myself down the mountainside, eager to meet my bride.
A sound like thunder swelled behind me as Emmett barreled down the mountainside after me. Cracking and rumbling grew beneath my feet. I heard a string of expletives in Jasper's mind, but Emmett let out a whoop of excitement as tons of snow and ice collapsed under the pressure of our unexpected descent.
I rolled my eyes at his childish exuberance and flung myself forward, lightly gliding over the shifting surface. I left the sea of ice chunks and snowy boulders behind easily, disappearing into the relative shelter of the trees. Jasper joined me seconds later and we turned to watch Emmett bouncing and cart-wheeling down the slope, shouting and hollering with delight.
I couldn't help laughing as his 'ride' came to a shuddering end and he leaped gracefully across the fractured remains of the avalanche with a grin on his face.
"Sorry, Edward. I guess I underestimated you. I thought I'd be bored out of my mind tonight 'cuz you're such a prude, but that was fun! I'll have to bring Rose up here one day and try that again."
I couldn't imagine Rose putting up with his antics, let alone joining in. It would destroy her hair, for one thing. . . I caught myself rolling my eyes again and traded glances with Jasper. He just shook his head and shrugged.
We only descended another 200 feet before we were enveloped by a thick layer of clouds. Alice had foreseen that today would be free of rain and even pleasantly warm for the ceremony, but this part of the peninsula was smothered by a thick layer of clouds. The tiny droplets clung to my clothes and condensed on my cold skin. I glanced at my brothers who also had beads of moisture glistening in their hair and soaking their clothes. Between the horseplay, hunting, mountain climbing, avalanche surfing and heavy clouds, we were going to be a mess when we finally made it home.
We returned to the Jeep at an easy pace, occasionally talking, but mostly traveling in silence. I was lost in thought and my brothers seemed to understand and respect my need for some time alone in my own mind. I frequently checked the position of the sun in the sky. It was only about 8:17am, and the wedding wasn't scheduled until late afternoon.
I knew Alice wouldn't hear of me seeing or even talking to Bella until she walked down the aisle. What was I going to do in the intervening hours? The minutes stretched out before me like the endless waves of the ocean. I swallowed hard, frustrated and anxious for the time to pass.