"What are you wearing?"

Crocodile looked up from his paperwork and at the Den Den Mushi. He was surprised such a tiny creature could be wearing such a leering expression. He rolled his eyes. "Clothes," he said. "What do you think?"

"Fufufu, I'm pretty sure your vocabulary for your clothes is bigger than that. What's that fancy word you use for your tie?" Doflamingo's voice sounded so far away. So many miles between them, and still the man wouldn't leave him alone.

Crocodile sighed. "Ascot," he said, feeling just a tiny bit affronted. He sat at his desk. It was way past midnight already and he wanted to get some work done before the night was over. So while he didn't exactly welcome the fact that Doflamingo had called—how much time difference was it again; six, seven hours? He was sure Doflamingo just finished work, whatever that meant—he didn't mind much, either. Doflamingo was a troublesome acquaintance to have. He needed every bit of attention, so it was easier to just talk to him via snail and work all the while than deal with the man over the course of a day and not get anything done whatsoever.

He was doing most of the conversation by himself anyway. Until now, that is. It was irritating, to say the least, to be expected to distribute equal attention between work and him. And Crocodile knew that 50-50 was not Doflamingo's idea of 'fair.'

Doflamingo's chuckle woke him from his thoughts. "See? See? That's what I mean. Just humor me, will you? I haven't seen you in like forever. Why is the stupid Alabasta business taking so long anyway? I miss you."

"Do you seriously expect me to fall for that?" Crocodile rolled his eyes, again. He knew exactly what Doflamingo had in mind, but he had no intention of playing along. "I don't see how it matters," he continued, filing though the sheets of papers in front of him, looking where to pick up. The Den Den Mushi across him grimaced, which was more amusing than anything else, with its pink fluffy coat and tiny shades. He smiled beside himself when he found the report he was looking for and started signing it. "Weather's been fair today," he added then, thinking he could provide at least this much. "So I settled for some lighter attire."

"Attire," Doflamingo repeated. "What's that mean?" He sounded impatient.

"You wanted fancy words, right?" Crocodile said, not looking up from his paperwork. "There you go. So don't complain. I'm sure you can think of something,"

"Come on, play along." Doflamingo sighed at the other end. "Can't you give me something a little more sexy to go on?" A sniff. "Or I'll just pretend you're naked."

Crocodile looked up again and frowned.

There was his desk, a glass of whiskey and a lit cigar. His gaze followed the smoke trailing up to the ceiling for a moment, the particles of ash breaking the light of his desk lamp. He stared at his speaker, lying to his left, next to the hook that rested idly on the desk. In his hand was his quill, across from him the open ink well. There were more sheets residing in the in-tray than there were in the out-tray. So much work left to do. The entire scene was incredibly ordinary and hardly arousing in nature.

He sighed a little and hoped Doflamingo could not hear it at his end. He wondered what Doflamingo expected him to come up with. He didn't mind having sex with Doflamingo; no, when he was being honest, he did like it. But his own drive to engage in actions like these was about zero. Doflamingo usually just ignored this and provided the needed enthusiasm for the both of them. Which was fine, just...

Ah, but speaking of which... There was one thing he could think of.

"I'm at the desk," Crocodile said, making it sound accusatory as he looked down to his paperwork again. "Hardly a place to be naked, wouldn't you think? There's still the stain from that one time you came visiting, though." It was a sneaky remark, and he knew it.

"Oooh," Doflamingo said gently. "Yeah, I remember that."

"Does it help, then?" Crocodile put a file away to the out-tray for Miss All-Sunday to pick up tomorrow, followed immediately by grabbing a new one from the in-tray.

There was a sniff coming from the Den Den Mushi. "A little."

"Well, there you go then," Crocodile said. He stared at the snail for a while, but there was no reply. It was silent on the line for a while, and Crocodile caught himself frowning and wanting to hear. While Doflamingo was a nuisance most of the time, he did like having this sort of influence and control over Doflamingo. He himself was no fan of undignified, awkward fumbling, not when he was the one doing it, anyway. It it was Doflamingo, well, it was... fine.

Finally he grew impatient when no reply came. He put the quill down. He almost started drumming his fingers on his desk impatiently, but could stop himself from juvenile antics. "Well?" he said. "Are you done?"

There was faint laughter. It sounded a little out of breath. Doflamingo's voice sounded so far away. So many miles between them, and still the man wouldn't leave him alone.

"No, why?" Doflamingo asked. "Wanna join after all?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Crocodile snorted. "I have work to do, unlike you."

"I wish 'work' would entail talking dirty to me. Just a few little, delicious lewd words, how about it?" Doflamingo said. It sounded amused, and breathy. His voice came closer to the speaker. Maybe he had put the snail down in between, and now picked it back up? Crocodile couldn't help but wonder about the present scene over in Dressrosa. He looked out the window into the night sky. Was the sun setting on the summer island? He remembered the purple sky in the colorful country, the chirping of exotic birds. He had looked up at it so many times while resting in silk sheets. Doflamingo liked to have the windows to his room open, heavy white curtains swaying in the warm breeze. It would be a nice scene. It would be nice to be on the giant four-poster bed together, instead of sitting here at his desk, alone—

"Hey, maybe I can pay you for it, would that help?" Doflamingo interrupted his thoughts, and whatever sentimental emotions might have been there were gone in an instant. "That way you would still be working! How much for five minutes of your time? Or let's make it interesting, I'll give you 100,000 beri for every minute it takes me and we see where it goes—"

"You think too lowly of me," Crocodile scolded, frowning over his paperwork. Doflamingo really held things up, he noticed. But didn't he always, one way or another... He had read this particular sentence three times over. He really didn't have the time to be bothered like this. He should simply hang up on Doflamingo.

He didn't.

He looked up at the Den Den Mushi, relieved their little faces weren't too graphic. He imagined Doflamingo had a way harder time on his side of the line. The thought helped ease his frustration a little, and he covered his mouth against a chuckle before shaking his head at himself and grabbing his quill again. Work, he reminded himself.

"Very low," he heard Doflamingo comment. His voice was definitely shaking now, with a deep tone to it that wasn't usually there. "Very, very low, and still going lower..."

"You're disgusting."

"Yeah, you'd say that, keep going. I like you being in-character." There was a chuckle again, but it ended in a soft huff. With Doflamingo always being just a hair's breadth away from actual insanity, and with that stupid grin on his face like a gash, it was easy to forget just how smooth and dark his voice could be in different situations.

"If you wanted me to be 'in-character' I wouldn't be doing this and you know it!" Crocodile said, as dignified as he could.

"This is my fantasy and if I want to imagine how you'd suck me off I'll very well do it!" It almost sounded affronted.

Crocodile snorted through his nose and looked down again. He tried picking up where he had left off, but couldn't find the line. He frowned some more, mostly at himself, and then Doflamingo broke his concentration again with a moan. "Keep it down," Crocodile sighed before he could stop himself, mostly because Doflamingo's voice was throwing him off, and he didn't need that right now.

"Sorry," Doflamingo chuckled. "Can't help it. You're pretty hot when you're going down on me."

Crocodile tried to picture it himself and failed. He frowned, staring down at his work.

It didn't affect him so much physically, what Doflamingo was doing on his end. Not so much that he thought he had to do something about it. He needed a more direct approach to evoke these kinds of needs. Usually that meant Doflamingo crawling all over him. And of course Crocodile groaned and complained, but it was probably a good thing, because otherwise nothing would be happening in the first place if ever they saw each other.

Still, somehow, loathe as he was to admit it, he did care. Not for what Doflamingo was doing. But it made the miles upon miles between them very apparent. That stirred something.

Nonsense, Crocodile thought to himself. If the damned flamingo was here, he wouldn't get a single thing done in his spare time. He knew that, it had happened before.

I guess Sengoku will call in a meeting soon, he thought, and only when he heard Doflamingo chuckle realized that he had said it out loud.

"Someone misses me after all," Doflamingo cooed. "That's nice."

"Don't be stupid, that's not it. It's been ages, it's high time we get called in," Crocodile replied curtly. He felt caught but didn't let it show. "It has nothing to do with you. Don't get any ideas."

"Too late." Doflamingo's voice cracked a little at the end.

Crocodile wanted to come up with another response, but left it at that. Quill still in hand, he propped his chin into his palm and looked at the tiny snail. He wondered about just how much these creatures understood of what they were used for, but pushed the stray thought away.

To Doflamingo's credit, he actually kept it down after Crocodile's scolding. And again, Crocodile caught himself wanting to hear despite saying otherwise. He wanted to make Doflamingo tell him what he was doing, have him formulate it in painstaking detail just to scoff at it, and enjoy the control he had over him. But he didn't.

He gave up on the paperwork, exchanging the quill in his hand for his cigar, rubbing the rolled up tobacco leaves between his fingers, his thumb over the label of his own brand, enjoying the dry, rough texture. He smoked in silence and listened to the small sounds that reached him. He made out the occasional swear, a huff, his name in between. That made him smile, just a little. Even after all these years—and he had long since stopped being a romantic fool like he had been once—he found himself wondering about what Doflamingo might find about him. And while he would never admit it to his face, it made him happy.

But the sounds that reached Crocodile's end of the line were muffled and quiet. It wasn't really Doflamingo's style. Doflamingo was always very vocal, loud and lewd and so unnerving. He had a feeling it would be different if he really had been there, and not at the other line of a shitty connection across the world.

Crocodile huffed a little, a stream of smoke coming from his nose as he finished his cigar, putting it out in his ashtray as Doflamingo finished what he was doing, too. Crocodile felt weirdly content.

"Feeling better now?" he asked into the silence that followed.

Doflamingo let out a long sigh. "A little. It would've been a lot better if I could've unloaded that all over your pretty face."

Crocodile's indignant complaint was drowned out by Doflamingo's laughter. "Why am I not simply hanging up on you?" he snarled, rubbing the back of his hand over his forehead.

"Fufufu. Funny, I've been asking myself that ever since I called." Doflamingo's voice sounded a little gentler now, sated but a little rugged. The agitating quality to it that riled Crocodile up so much was gone, even if just for this short moment after release.

Crocodile sighed. Doflamingo had apparently heard, and chuckled a little more. "But hey. I guess Sengoku will call for a meeting any day now. It's been too long. With the Revolutionary Army on the move, I guess we oughta meet, right? Keep the world in order and all that shit."

"What a bother," Crocodile groaned. "I hate sailing to HQ. It's such a long journey."

"Yeah, why did you settle on the other side of the world, stupid? But, y'know..." A pause, Crocodile could hear Doflamingo shift, and when his voice returned, it was closer to the receiver. "Maybe you can take a day or two longer, for a detour to Dressrosa. It's around the corner from HQ, after all." He sounded eager, and just a little bit anxious. "It'd make the journey a little more worthwhile, right?"

Crocodile weighed his options. He pursed his lips. He dragged on the pause for as long as he thought he could without being cruel. "I suppose I could," he said then.

There was just the slightest pause, and he could practically see Doflamingo's stupid leer spread across his face before he even heard the man chuckle. "I've never looked forward to work this much," he said.

Crocodile didn't bother to tell him that he agreed.

Thanks to ThisIsVenereVeritas for the help in birthing this one and kicking my lazy ass to make me finish it in the first place. Thanks to MadameBaroqudile for being a neverending source of inspiration, and being the worst enabler. Thanks to you, my dear readers, for your continued support.

And thanks Odacchi; what have you done.