So here is a quick one shot. It went from idea to full story in the matter of a few hours, it was that powerful in my head. Hopefully it will be enjoyed. Fair warning, it does get a bit sad, but its not all that way.
Here For You
Baby, I need you -E
I read the new text from Edward and sigh. I love him, with everything I am, I think he would feel the same if he could. As it stands, he only wants me when he needs me.
I'm on my way, darlin'
I get to his loft, using my key to get in, knowing he can't open the door for me.
I let myself in, being sure to lock the door behind me. I find him on the window seat, backed into the corner, with his legs pulled up, hugged by his arms, acting as a table for his head, which is turned, staring blindly out the window.
I walk over to him, bending my right knee so I can sit in front of him. My hands go to the outsides of his legs, rubbing softly, as my head drops so my forehead rests on the top of his head.
"I'm here babe, I'm here with you" I tell him quietly, knowing this contact is the only way to get him out of his head.
He looks up, startled, relieved. He lets out a small, sad whimper, then his arms are around my neck, his lips attached to mine. No longer startled by his reaction, I'm stable enough to keep us upright, and pull his legs around my waist as he tries to climb into my lap.
I support him, holding him up as I stand and carry him to his bed. I remove our clothes as he clings to me, making contact in anyway he can.
I slowly push into him after I've readied us, hearing his moans mixed with his whimpers, his writhing and tears surround us. It kills me to see him crying, but I know how much worse he's be if I refused him this. I've learned my lesson. I draw out his pleasure, his serenity for as long as I can. When I can't hold him back any longer, I let him cum, knowing he will be back in his own mind before he realizes I haven't found my own release. I never do, how could I when he's covered in tears like this the whole time. I know this isn't for me anyways. It never is. It's so he can escape his pain, leave reality for awhile.
I clean us with a warm cloth while he's fading in and out. After I toss it in the hamper I climb back into bed, pulling the covers over us.
He immediately turns toward me, seeking my warmth, my comfort. He wraps himself around me, arm across my chest, leg over my hip, his foot tucked under my calf and his head coming to rest over my heart.
I wrap my arms around him, running my fingertips lightly over his back, while the other pushes his hair back from his face.
"What happened this time Darlin'?" I ask, wondering if I'll get a response.
It takes a few minutes, but finally I do.
"They had another fight about me. It didn't seem to matter I was there or what I want. They just went back and forth, yelling about how I should spend my life, never even asking my input. I'm not important to them, only my achievements, my faults.
With that, he just sinks back into himself and I know it'll be some time before he comes back to me.
I love you, you matter to me, I tell him in my head, knowing the damage would be irreversible should I say the words aloud.
Instead, I just pull him closer, placing a kiss to the top of his head.
He's gone again, disappeared into the night.
When I wake in the morning, I know immediately that he's gone. I leave the bed, wondering, dreading how I will find him this time.
I dress, then search for my phone.
"I need some time off again." I tell the person on the other line.
"Jazz, you can't keep doing this, you could lose your job due to all these absences." She tells me worriedly.
"I know" I respond, then hang up. I gather my stuff and a change of clothes for him and start my search.
I find him four days later, on a pier in Oregon. I grab the blanket I keep in the car and make my way to him. I wrap him and his damp clothes in it and just keep my arms around him til he's lucid enough to make it to the car. Once I've gotten him in the car and he's changed, I take him to a diner and get him fed. Who knows if he's eaten anything these past few days.
His episode seems to have ended for now. While eating he lights up, rambling about places he wants to see, things to do, experiences he wants to have. He's completely oblivious of the strain he's put me through.
I don't mention it, I love seeing him like this. Though I could never tell him that. Telling him that he isn't always like this would just ruin him.
"Edward, this isn't healthy! You need to do something, talk to someone. This isn't a way to live your life." I plead with him, just hoping for once that he will listen, really hear what I'm trying to tell him.
"This isn't something that can be fixed Jasper! It doesn't work like that. Why can't you just be there for me like you usually are? Why can't you just keep helping me? You're tired of me, is that it? Just like everyone else. Well I'm sorry I bothered you Jasper. Just go back to your perfect life. Let me deal with mine on my own. I don't need you anyway!" He yells back, pacing his living room.
He called me, needing me again. He seemed a tad more with it, so I tried talking with him again. My mistake.
"I'm not tired of you Edward, never." I tell him, my voice quieter. Defeated. Knowing if I push any harder, he'll run further next time.
I walk toward him, stopping his pacing. Pulling his fist out of his hair and apologize by pushing my lips to his.
His arms go around my neck, like always, giving the same small sad whimper, the same tears running down his face. The same moans coming from him as I help him find his release, again.
This time I find him on a pier in Victoria.
His lucidity this time around lasts a few days. It's marvelous. We go to the movies, out to eat, hang out with friends. He jokes, laughs, he's active, jogging, hiking. He's witty, bright, the life of any gathering.
Radiant.
Tonight we're at a club with some friends. Edward said he was dying to get out and dance.
He's been out a few times, dancing with boys, grinding on them. His arms wrap around their necks, lips on their jaws, his leg between their thighs, writhing against them. I can see the lights reflecting off the sweat glistening on his shirtless torso.
I know the others are talking around me, joking and carrying on. My attention, though, is focused solely on him, always on him, not tuning back in to whats going on around me until Edward flops back down next to me. His smile is brilliant. He chugs down the new beer I'd ordered for him, then uses his discarded shirt to wipe the sweat from his face and neck.
He jokes with the others about the guys he'd danced with, about whom he wants to take home. Complaining about how long it's been since he's had any action. The others talk about their previous escapades, and when I don't contribute to the conversation their focus turns to me.
Edward comments on how uptight I seem, how tense. He points out that he can't remember the last time I'd hooked up with anyone and wants to know what's wrong with me.
I should probably mention that when Edward is clear like this, he doesn't remember what happens the rest of the time. All I am to him now is a good friend, not the person holding him together.
He spends the next half hour questioning me, wanting to know what's wrong. When that doesn't work for him, he tries finding someone for me to take home.
He goes back out on the floor, dancing with some guys, and sending others my way.
By time the sixth guy comes over, I give up. I talk with this tan, tall, lithe guy, Seth he says his name is, for awhile, to appease Edward.
Seth notices my discomfort, asking what my story is. I don't go into detail, only explaining that Edward is set on finding me some action and that I'm in no place to hook up with someone.
"You're in love with him." He says, no doubt, no question in his voice. "I get it. Don't want to let him know, afraid to damage the friendship. It's alright. If you want to use me as a decoy, it's cool. Maybe it'll get my friends off my back too. I just got out of a long term relationship and they think I need a rebound. Maybe we can hide behind each other."
"I could never ask you to do that, but if its something you think will help you out, I'll go along so I can get him off my back for a bit too."
"Absolutely, I think this can be mutually beneficial." He says with a bright smile. He then scoots closer, resting his hand on my thigh. I looked at him questioningly, but it only lasts a second before he jabs my rib with his elbow to rid me of the expression just before Edward stumbles to the table, dragging a random guy behind him.
He's all smiles and cuddling up to this guy, saying he's going home with... whatever his name was.
I can feel an unwelcome expression take place on my face, hating that I never get this part of Edward. The happy one, he only saves the broken one for me.
Before my look can be noticed, Seth places his hand on the back of my neck, playing with the hair there. His touch quickly calms me, and I find myself leaning a little closer to him. This, Edward notices, and smiles brightly at me.
Seth tells Edward that we are heading out as well. We all leave together, talking for a few minutes, before we separate. After Edward and his 'friend' leave, I can feel my shoulders slump forward as I start to fold in on myself. Seth puts his arm around my waist and guides me away from the club.
I give him directions to my apartment, where we sit together all night. Where I finally can't hold back anymore and tell him everything. Everything that Edward has put me through, everything I've done for him. How much I love him.
He listens all night, fetching tissues and holding me close.
I never meant to spill it all, but there is something about him that comforts me, makes me trust him.
He tells me he's there for me, whenever I need him. That he can help take care of me.
And he does, he lets me spill when Edward 'needs' me again, and checks up on me when I have to go find him again.
Edward stays lucid for thirteen days this time. Longer than normal. He comes by about as often as he doesn't. He spends a lot of time with that same kid from the club. I spend most of my time near Seth. Edward's happy I've finally 'gotten some', and I'm just happy when he is.
Seth knows things have gotten bad again when he doesn't hear from me for a couple days. He kept tabs on me when I was searching for Edward, reminding me to take care of myself as well.
And this time, when Edward lashes out at me when I find him, and we argue the whole trip home, Seth is there when I come home alone, having dropped Edward off at his own home this time.
He lets me vent and cry on him, trying to assure me that Edward does know what I do for him, he just doesn't know how to show it. That he's stuck on this path and isn't ready to try to get better.
He stays with me, letting me sleep curled into him, until the next morning when Edward calls, wanting me to come over.
Seth tells me to go to him, that he understands. I thank him, place a kiss on his cheek, and make my way to my car.
I get to Edward's, wondering what state I will find him in. When I find him, he is sitting at the dinning table, his hands wrapped around a mug of coffee, head lowered and shoulders curled in. I walk toward him, taking the seat to his right. I dip my head, trying to catch his eye.
He finally meets my eye. I immediately worry, noticing how distraught he is.
"I'm sorry." He tells me, saying the two words I've never heard from him. "I'm sorry for what I've put you through. I know I'm not easy to be around, not easy to handle. I wish I could change it, change me. I just don't know how. I can't talk to anyone but you. My parents would go crazy if they saw a therapists firm in my medical records. You know my father would find out quickly. It would just make things worse."
"I get that babe, but we could figure something out. If I have to pay them under the table, I will. You know I'd do anything to make things good for you."
"I know Jazz, and I love you for that, but I did a lot of thinking this time, out there, and I figured out how I can make things better, how to fix me. Just have faith in me. It'll be better soon. I promise." He assures me. I'm nervous about his plan, but it's the first time he's been conscious of what happened and is thinking logically, so I try to have faith in him.
We hang out a bit longer that day. I cook him lunch, then dinner, and we watch movies and play our instruments of choice. A guitar for me and Edward with his piano.
As night falls, we part ways with promises of hiking the next day.
I make sure to text Seth before bed, letting him know how the day went. He is excited for the progress, though I can still sense his concern.
Edward meets me the next morning with coffees, letting us get an early start on the trails.
We talk the whole way, reminiscing about old times, fun we've had and people we met along the way.
Time flies and before I know it, we are sat in a cafe, eating dinner together.
Edward wants to meet again the next day, with our friends, he even thinks to include Seth. I'm interested to get his take on the seemingly 'new and improved' Edward.
Seth definitely notices a difference, but still seems wary. He is supportive though, of him, of me, and hopes things continue to go well. Though he tries to make sure I'm prepared id Edward lapses again.
Things continue on the same path for several days. He's even talked to his parents, trying to come to peace with them. Things seem to be so good, which is why I was so caught off guard when he went missing again.
Seth came with me this time, not wanting me to be alone in the hunt.
We had been looking for two days when my phone rang.
Edward had been found.
Some kids had seen a wallet, cell, car keys and a pair of shoes at the end of a pier. The officials scoured the area until finally coming across a body washed up on a beach a few miles down the coast.
My name was as his emergency contact on his phone.
I had never been more thankful to have Seth with me.
He took over driving after the call, did all the talking and held my hand at the morgue.
Edward's parents, upset that he ruined the plans they placed for him, mad that his suicide had put them in a bad light, refused to plan, let alone attend the funeral, leaving all of that on me as well.
Seth was a huge help, planning with me, going through Edward's loft, cleaning it out.
After the funeral, Seth stayed by me while I grieved, while I yelled, while I doubted and second guessed everything I had done.
He picked me back up, encouraged me to tell Edward how I felt. When I looked at him like he was crazy, he explained that sometimes, it was helpful to write everything out, address it to that person and either leave it at a tombstone, or somewhere that person frequented. He said it could help resolve the emotional distress and give closure.
So as always, I listened to Seth, wrote my letter to Edward, drove down to the cemetery and read it aloud to him. I had hoped Edward would be listening, he never was much of a reader.
As I read it to him, telling him about what I had to do to take care of him, what I was put through and coming to terms with the resentment I held towards him that I wasn't aware of. Realizing how much he relied on me, used me, to hold him together.
I noticed, during this process, that I wasn't treating Seth much better than Edward had me. I decided then and there, that I would be better than that. Edward had an excuse, a reason why he treated me how he did. I had no reason to do the same to Seth.
So as I placed the letter on Edward's grave, I gathered all my courage and turned with determination, getting in my car and driving straight to Seth's.
He seemed surprised to find me at his door, seeing as I'd only been there once, as a pit stop on the way to somewhere else.
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was doing what he did, that I was taking advantage of your kindness, your friendship, or your feelings for me. I promise I will never do that again. Please, give me a chance to show you how good I can be, how attentive, caring, supportive I can be to you. Give me a chance to show you how good of a boyfriend I can be to you. Please, let me have that chance." I pleaded, all my words pouring out before he could say hi. Before I even stepped foot in his home.
He didn't say anything in response, but I got the idea of his answer as he cupped the sides of my face, guiding my lips to his. My arms went to his waist, gripping onto him as he pulled me into the apartment, only moving a hand to shut the door behind us.
A/n: Hope you liked it. I loved writing it. It seriously got away from me, the characters really took over. I didn't even know Seth was going to be in it 'til he came up to the table. I do love him though. I'd love to know what you think. Thanks for reading.