After four years you would think the pain of knowing Ash would fade. Let me tell you, you are wrong. The pain just gets worse. I miss everything about her, the way she would flick her dark blue hair out of her eyes, how she would glance at me and smile, how she could get you to laugh, her orange and vanilla scented shampoo, everything. She told me that she did not want me to cry for her, that she wanted to laugh in the face of death, and to get the people around her to laugh too. The worse part of her death? Well it's my fault she died.
We were friends in middle school up through her death. We ended up dating when we were freshmen. She was very quiet in middle school, her hair and dark gray eyes made her an easy target for teasing. Once we were friends I found that I was worrying about her a lot. I had to fight off three boys that had been pulling her hair and hitting her once. I fell in love with her I think. After I confessed to her she accepted my feelings with...joy. Wherever we went she was happy, laughing next to me.
As we continued to date I saw sides of her that I did not know existed. She was very caring, she loved animals, and she was, surprisingly, brave. She often stood up for people, she was not afraid of getting hurt for the ones she loves, and she would do anything and everything that she could to make your life better. We were seniors in college at the time of her death. You see, she died that day, today, four years ago. Seeing as it's Halloween the holiday had been ruined for me. We had been out with our friends at a party, on our way home. I walked out into the street without looking. Ash saw the car, and pushed me out of the way just in time, for me that is. She stood there for a second, and as she fell I caught her in my arms. I gently laid her down on the sidewalk as our friends called 911. She held my hands and smiled at me, my tears falling onto her nose and lips. She looked at me and said those words that haunt my dreams, and I, held her in my arms as she died.
Perhaps if I had been looking, or the driver had not been drunk, or if we did not go to that party...there are a thousand scenarios where Ash would have been saved, where she could still be here with me. Small things about her slip into my dreams, dark gray eyes, dark blue hair, the scent of oranges and vanilla, her laughter, and her smile. No matter what though I hear her laughter in my head, and her voice, whispering her last words: "Don't cry for me, I want to laugh at death, and I want you to laugh with me. So laugh Jacob, I...want to… hear you...laugh."