Chapter One Let Me Go
I'm gonna try my best to love him
Don't know why I want him so
Yeah I'll try and keep him by my side
I won't ever let him go
"Ah...a-ah..." Thrust. Gasp. Grind. "O-oh...ah!" Deeper. Harder. Heaven.
"Young Master..." Or was it hell? As Ciel's vision adjusted to his surroundings, he was met with the sight of Sebastian thrusting into him, his eyes firmly shut tight and his mouth hanging lopsidedly.
"S-Sebastian?" How had it come to this? Two scarlet eyes opened to gaze intensely at the quivering mess beneath him.
"My Lord?" Ciel was charged with another shock of pleasure and he sharply decided that he didn't care. It was of little consequence, at that moment, how the Earl of Phantomhive had agreed to share his bed with his butler. All that mattered was the quick-paced rocking to and fro motion that resulted in sensations that curled his toes.
I've learned too much in my poor life
To laugh at humour I can't see
It's sad I know that I can't show my love
But I won't set him free
"Sebastian..." A particularly wanton thrust sent Ciel's spine arching like a bow, readily awaiting to release its arrow. "...do not...do not stop..." But where would his arrow strike? A pause. A fond smirk.
"Yes, my Lord."
{O}
On a crisp November night, Ciel experienced the first nightmare for almost a year. It was not like the usual traumas of the boy's coming to light, in fact, its content was rather foreign. Instead of a cloaked cult, there was a collection of corpses – faces Ciel knew; Lizzie, Soma, Agni, Tanaka...and others unknown, half marred and bloodied, limbs absent. They simultaneously slithered towards him, misshapen arms outstretched and all with the one purpose of destroying the Earl.
Ciel, in the dream, fled. There was no confinement, no cages to hold him and so the boy bolted up a never ending hill that became steeper and steeper. All too soon he lacked in breath, slowed and was ripped limb from limb by the monsters that wore his friends features.
Sebastian was not present in the dream. He was not a monster on the hunt and, even worse, was not a saviour. This weighed heavily on Ciel's mind as he repressed the bile from rising up his sore throat. Shaking like a leaf in a storm, he sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, horrified to find tears ready to flow over.
Everyone turning against him...their mangled bodies somehow living with a drive to kill kill kill him. Even though the flesh had been rotting, the foul stench of hatred had been the most putrid smell in the nightmare.
What had he done to merit their fury? Was he cause of their deaths and they were pining for revenge? Where was Sebastian? Why had the demon not come to his rescue as he usually did? The Earl dreaded to think that the nightmare was a sign of events to come...
"Young Master." Ciel stiffened. Not him. Not him. He could not allow such vulnerability to be shown. God only knew what teasing he would be at the mercy of then. Ciel did not acknowledge the demon that sat upon the edge of the bed. Shielding his eyes, the pasty child hunched over himself, ignoring the hand that suddenly placed itself soothingly upon his shoulder.
Breathing hard, Ciel tried to shun his butler, turning his back on the demon. However, an unusually silent Sebastian refused to withdraw. He attempted to draw him closer. Angered by this display of what Ciel assumed was compassion, the boy forced Sebastian's arms away, trying to lie back down to hide his damp eyes. The demon pursued with his embrace, hushing Ciel like a doting mother.
It's not that I don't find him sweet
I know too well his voice his touch his eyes
But often underneath I wonder
I wonder why I try
"Come now, Young Master." he said in the softest of voices, one Ciel had never dreamed of hearing before. Gripping onto the demon's shoulder's, Ciel tried to push his butler further away but Sebastian drew his arms around Ciel's waist, his hands on his small back, pushing him to his chest.
Losing the will to fight, the Earl gave up and collapsed, exhausted, onto his butler's chest, hiding his face in the cotton jacket; his hands balled into fists. Yet, no matter how hard he tried, the shaking did not cease.
I shall not let myself be a victim again. I shall not fall again...
Sebastian, curious as to what caused such a nightmare to occur, began to rub circles on his Master's back, shushing the shaken boy with sweet nothings. Placing his flawless cheek on the top of Ciel's small head, the demon inhaled the boy's sweet scent.
"Young master." the demon cooed, softly. "I am here, nothing can harm you." Ciel clutched at Sebastian's jacket tighter, burying his face more, desperate to hide the tears that threatened to reveal themselves.
Enveloping the boy further, the black butler's arms wrapped fully around the small human, shushing the harsh panting but when no improvement to Ciel's state was evident, Sebastian could not believe himself when he began to gently rock the boy forward and back. He cringed at the thought of any one discovering him like this: a doting mother hen.
But, he concluded, it would be strange if there was no slight attachment on his part for the boy, considering all the years he'd spent serving such a unique project.
Therefore, he was determined to protect the boy as much as he could, not only from mortal danger but from a darker, psychological threat. The boy was, under Sebastian's belief, exceedingly fragile and vulnerable.
And a broken mind comes hand in hand with a broken soul. Such a waste of a meal it would be.
The demon butler was utterly shocked though, when as soon as he began to sway with his Young Master clutched tightly in his arms, a small whimper sounded from the quivering wreck and fluently increased in volume. The Young Master never cried...
"Young Master?" No legible words were voiced from the young boy as he wept and wept and wept, soaking Sebastian's shirt. Slender shoulders heaving, Ciel now refused to let go of his butler, as he presented everything he hated about himself on full display- his weakness, his fear, his...longing for something...something foreign that tightened his chest and left him empty...
The faces of his friends, distorted with hatred and a burning desire to end him, contorted with some form of pleasure as they shred Ciel to pieces...
Without a doubt, the thought of not being able to aid his Young Master made Sebastian's chest tighten painfully. Keeping one arm wrapped around Ciel's back, Sebastian lifted the other to the porcelain face, pulling it up to his own.
At first resistance was given, the boy refusing to show his face, but once again Ciel surrendered to the wishes of his butler and looked up through waterfall eyes.
Sebastian merely gazed evenly back. Staring into those beautiful pools of blue, the demon could not deny the pang of hunger he felt for this human creature. Just those eyes. So clear, so pure, so bright like a ray of hope in a cloudy grey day; they were breathtaking. But alas, the demon was denied those eyes as they shut tightly, the tears continuing to spill. The boy's usually pale complexion was tainted with a red flush of shame at his weak state.
"Shh," whispered Sebastian, holding Ciel tighter. Claret eyes fell to trembling rosebud lips, dampened with tears. How tempting...How delicious...A distraction was needed and Sebastian refused to think of a better plan than the one already formulating in his devious thoughts. Upon a curious instinct, the butler pressed his lips to Ciel's.
Not too firmly, not too soft. Neither lingering nor sharp. Just right. The Earl jerked erect yet his eyes barely opened in protest. Merely his plump mouth parted in an exclamation of shock. "Shh," the act was repeated once more and then again and again and again, each kiss more fuller and firmer than the last until Sebastian felt the boy gently press back- if only for a second- before he let his head fall upon his butler's shoulder, an arm wrapping around the demon's neck; seeking comfort .
Sebastian smiled. For what reason he could not give but he smiled. The Maser tasted of the salt in the rain and of sugar in chocolate...a very complimentary pair. As the satisfied demon softly placed his soundly slumbering charge back under the warmth of the blanket, he paid no mind to the new sensations oddly rising and stirring within him.
{O}
"Lady Elizabeth for you, my Lord." Silence.
"Ciel! Ciel!" A sigh. Turning, the sixteen year old greeted his fiancée with a tight smile as she bustled through the door. Walking around his desk, Ciel approached the lively golden haired girl and was instantly captured in her arms. "Oh, Ciel! Only two months until we are finally married! Isn't it exciting?" Sebastian hid a smirk as Ciel held a stony expression.
The boy had been in a cold demeanour since the morning, having mentioned not once the fleeting kisses shared the night before. The butler hadn't expected Ciel to respond so seriously to his actions, had it offended him?
Had it caused old terrors to resurface, the thought of being subjected to things by strangers? Though, Sebastian would not consider himself a stranger to his Young Master.
"Elizabeth-" Ciel said, the irritation in his voice going unnoticed as the young woman struck up another topic to talk about.
"- the colour co-ordination is so cute, Ciel! I cannot wait until you see it all! Oh, and have I mentioned that bridesmaids dresses are all matching designs from Paris?..." Arms linked, the couple lazily strolled from the study into the parlour, where Sebastian had suggested they took elevenses.
However, Ciel's thoughts were far from the inevitable marriage that he had wished to be able to escape from. He licked his lips. He remembered through his disorientated state, Sebastian had tasted like ash. Ash and tea. Smoky and addictive.
Talking a seat near the window, the boy reclined and let his gaze fall to the frost outside. He thought of how the ice compared to Sebastian's skin, the butler was unnaturally warm and smooth but the ice – something real – was biting and made the skin sore.
But that was the difference between reality and make-believe. One hurt and the other did not. Sebastian never hurt him but the real world – outside – did. And continued to do so.
Ciel looked up as the demon placed a tea cup under his nose. He frowned.
"No need to be so close, Sebastian." The butler smirked; amusement shone in his eyes.
"My apologies, Young Master, I did not know that my closeness to your person gave you discomfort." A twitch at Ciel's eye was the only sign that let Sebastian knew that the boy was thinking back on the previous night. His smirk widened, knowingly. How he adored these games.
It would be a shameful lie
To say I love this boy - this man
But I am fond; he is fine
So in the end perhaps...
Elizabeth watched silently at the exchange. Pondering. It had often irked her how intimate Sebastian acted towards Ciel but she never dared to think anything of it, knowing that if she voiced her concerns she would greatly upset the boy she loved dearly. But Lizzie was not ignorant.
She had heard of men who preferred the company of their own sex compared to women but only in recent months had she contemplated the idea that Sebastian might be one of these...criminals.
She had even thought that maybe Ciel might have been involved with his faultless butler yet quickly disregarded the idea, the thought too painful for her to bear.
Elizabeth watched as her fiancée huffed and snubbed the butler but he did not order Sebastian to leave. Her grip on the teacup tightened.
"Ciel," she began, drawing the boy's attention away from the shadow behind him. "I thought, perhaps, you could play your violin at the reception. You are very talented at it, after all." Sebastian could not control his amusement as he watched his Young Master's shoulder's tense; the boy really was socially awkward. Elizabeth noticed the jeering look that was sent Ciel's way and anger boiled within her curvature frame.
"Must I, Lizzie?" groaned the boy, holding out his cup for a refill. "I can easily make Sebastian find musicians if you are struggling..."
"I would be delighted to aid with the wedding preparations, my Lord and Lady." Sebastian deliberately let his hair caress the side of Ciel's face as he loomed over him, pouring the steaming tea.
The boy jerked slightly and glared at the demon. "After all, such a union between these strong, noble households will undoubtedly," the demon paused, gracing Ciel with a smirk. "stand the test of time." A moment of silence passed.
Elizabeth felt as though a private joke was being shared between her cousin the butler as Ciel, to Sebastian's pleasant surprise, smirked right back.
"Well said, Sebastian." Ciel smirked into tea. Suddenly, the boy's lone eye pierced the demonic pair with a defiant confidence. Sebastian felt the beginning of a shiver tingle his spine. "I could not have put it better myself." Taking a sip from the cup, Ciel sighed with profound boredom. "Now, go make me a chocolate gateau for desert."
The demon was then completely ignored in favour of a sulky Elizabeth but Sebastian did not mind. The girl opposite Ciel might not have noticed, but he certainly did. The way his eye held that authoritative pride, that subtle glide of a pink tongue against those petal lips with a taste that rivalled an Angel's tears... Indeed, it would be a great lie to say that Sebastian loved the boy – man - but he was fond and Ciel was fine, so in the end perhaps...
...I can.
{O}
That evening was peaceful. Ciel sat slumped on the sofa with a fire crackling by his aching feet. His eye fluttered closed and a grimace spread across his youthful face. The wedding. He dared not think about what was in store for him that day but it truly seemed inescapably. Six years had passed since that time and although minor progress had been made, there were no real leads to Ciel finding out more about the cult he had sworn on his soul to exterminate.
"Sebastian."
"You called, Young Master?" Ciel did not bother to look up as the sound of footsteps approached him. He instead ran a hand over his face and into his hair, moaning.
"It really is going to happen, isn't it?" The was a small chuckle.
"If you are referring to your wedding with Lady Elizabeth, then, yes...it is really going to happen; unless your captors suddenly decide to materialise within the next two months but that is very unlikely, Young Master." Ciel groaned again, his nose scrunched in distaste. Sebastian watched him intently.
"Why? Why is it unlikely? Why is this happening?" Sighing in resignation, Ciel stood and brushed down his suit. "I suppose it is finally time to step into the role as head of this family."
"You hadn't before, Young Master?"
"You know what I mean, idiot! Step into the role...as...a...husband." Ciel scowled and Sebastian smirked.
"What a positively horrific notion, my Lord. Whatever will you do with a wife in the house? And not only any-one but Lady Elizabeth as a permanent residence."
"Shut up, I cannot bear to think about it."
"Does my Lord need a kiss better?" Ciel froze in place, his eye wide. A tense silence entered the room as the butler and master eyed each other cautiously. Finally, Ciel spoke.
"Why did you...do that last night?" his voice was soft, as if afraid their conversation would be overheard. Sebastian strode towards the boy, the dimming fire illuminating his features gently. Hesitantly, the butler placed a gloved hand on his Young Master's lips. Time stood still.
"Young Master needed a distraction from the horrors of his subconscious and because...I wanted to." There was a pause. "Why did you reciprocate?" Slowly, Ciel brought a hand to rest on Sebastian's that itched his lips.
"Because I wanted to." Abruptly he pulled away, his eye downcast. "I should punish you for being so forward. It isn't right...you have no right to do such things to me...or anyone else." Sebastian watched him carefully, folding his hands behind his back.
"I apologise." The boy's head snapped up, his eyes narrowed.
"Yes but that does not mean anything with you, you are not sorry one bit, are you?" The demon smirked.
"No." Ciel was taken aback by the frankness of the confession, the wheels of his mind frantically spinning. Could this possibly work? How vast would the repercussions be? Sebastian was intelligent enough to know that whatever this was - or would be- had to stay behind barred doors. Blinking once, twice before finding his voice again, Ciel replied.
"Neither am I."
Teeth clashes together and hands roamed and explored, grasping with greed at all they could. Names were exchanged and so were moans, swallowed and fed into each others mouths as bodies rubbed together seeking friction.
When they finally parted, a thread of saliva still joining the master and butler, Sebastian remarked, "Oh my, Young Master, are you sure you should be doing this? You are as good as married..." but the answer he received was a pair of lips smacking against his.
"Not yet am I bloody married," hissed the boy as his butler's lips sampled the skin of his neck. "and should you be doing this Sebastian? Is it not going against your aesthetics as a butler?"
"Perhaps we are both at fault then, Young Master..." murmured the demon into his ear, drawing Ciel nearer. Picking up the Earl's left hand in his, Sebastian planted a kiss in the palm before removing the boy's engagement ring with his teeth.
I agree this child deserves
A better friend and lover too
But I'm gonna try my best to love him
Just to keep him far from you.
A/N: Try My best by Emilie Autumn