Hey! For anyone wanting to know 'Love Starting WIth A Screen' is just on a break. I was having trouble writing the next few chapters, so I'm gonna start this. I really want to see what you guys think so please review.
For some people being alone is sitting in your room by yourself, crying because you just got broken up with, or because all of your friends are out at a movie without you. But for some people being alone is wanting to cry even though you're surrounded by people. Having people laughing and happy around you when all you want to do is cry alone in your room because you're in love with someone who couldn't love you back, or because people never ask what's wrong. This person just happens to be me.
One of the worst parts is not being able to remember a time in your life when you were happy. It sucks because there's nothing you can do about it. You get moments of happiness when you think everything will be okay, and then the moment passes and you go back to feeling like shit.
"Mon?" Rachel said trying to get my attention.
"Ya?" I said back trying to act as if I knew what we were discussing.
"You okay, you kinda zoned off there for a minute." Ross chimed in.
"Oh, ya I'm fine." I lied.
"Ok. Anyways we were asking you if you were okay with going out to dinner tomorrow night?" Phoebe said.
"Oh." I didn't know how I wanted to answer that. Did I really want to go out and risk crying there when I could cry in my own bed here. "Um, who's going?" I asked trying to seem relaxed.
"Just the 6 of us, and Rose." Chandler responded. Great. That's so not what I needed to hear. If I do go I'll have to deal with Chandler and Rose making googly eyes at each other all night. I'll definitely end up crying by the end of the night.
"Monica?" Chandler asked again.
"Oh right sorry, you know I don't really feel like going." And here come the questions about why.
"Aw, come on Mon. It won't be the same without you there. We haven't done anything just the six of us in a long time." Phoebe said trying to persuade me. But technically it wasn't just the six of us, Rose was going. Ughhh, I just can't catch a break.
"Well, I also kinda feel like I'm catching something." I coughed a couple times.
"What happened to you never getting sick?" Rachel asked. Ugh, right.
"Well," I started.
"Ok stop making excuses. You're going." Phoebe said sternly. "And I'm going home before I pass out here." She got up and walked out the door.
"Okay?" Ross said confused. "I actually think I'm with her though. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Joey, Chandler?"
"I'm actually kinda beat too." Chandler said.
"Me too dude." Joey said. "We'll see you tomorrow." And then there were two.
After Joey and Chandler left Rachel asked, "Are you sure you're okay Mon?"
"Ya, I'm fine." Lies.
"Okay, well I'm gonna got to bed now too. Just tell me if you need anything, okay?"
"Okay, I will. Night Rach."
Now it's just me. Just me and my thoughts. Let's see I haven't had a breakdown yet today, so one should be coming any minute now.
I laid down on the couch and just thought about what I'm doing tomorrow. God, why would I agree to that. I know for a 100% fact that I will start crying tomorrow. Hell, I'm gonna start crying right now!"
I sat up and buried my face in my heads and start crying, actually sobbing. I tried to be as quiet as I could trying not to wake Rachel up. The last thing I need is for her to get up and see me crying. I don't understand why things had to get so difficult. Why, I just had to fall in love with Chandler. Sweet, caring, amazing Chandler. The thought of him, and knowing I couldn't have him just made me cry more.
"Monica?" I looked up to see Chandler at the door staring at me confused. Crap. Just what I needed, the guy I'm crying over about to ask me why I'm crying. He shut the door and started walking over to me, "Are you okay? Why are you crying?" Yep, that sounds about right.
"Ya, Chandler I'm fine. I was just reading a book and someone died. I just, I started crying." Wow, am I the worst liar or what. God, there's not even a book here!
He looked down at my lap, at the table, and the floor. "There's no book here." Well, I may not be a good liar but at least I'm still always right.
I didn't know what to say. I mean someone catches you lying what do you say.
"Seriously, Mon what's going on?" He grabbed both my hands and held them in his. I pulled away which just made him look more concerned. But I pulled away because I wasn't gonna make this any harder on me. That's sounds so unbelievably selfish, but you know what, when you're depressed you're selfish.
"Nothing, I'm fine." I should really just stop lying.
"If you're crying and lying about it, you're not fine."
"Y'know it's really not any of your business." I could feel the tears starting to form in my eyes.
"What are you talking about? You're my best friend so when your crying it is my business."
"I thought Joey was your best friend." Maybe he'll just forget about the real topic of this conversation.
"Stop trying to change the subject." He said sternly. Damn, didn't work. "Seriously, you can tell me anything. What is going on recently?" Well, technically I can't tell you this.
I'm just gonna go with a classic, "Y'know I'm starting to get tired. I'll see you tomorrow." I got up and started walking away until I was stopped by Chandler's hand on my wrist.
"Seriously, you can't just walk away from me." He said looking me straight in the eye. Why the hell was eye contact making me go weak in the knees. Oh great, the idea of wanting him and not being able to have him popped back into my mind. I could feel the tears start dripping down my cheeks, which was normal by this point.
He reached up and wiped a tear off my cheek and the contact was too much for this feeling I've been hiding for 3 months now. "I'm fine okay. I'll see you later." I walked backward into my room and shut the door.
"Monica, come on you can't do this." And now I felt bad, which just made me start crying harder. "I care okay, I care about you. Just tell me what's wrong, don't shut me out." He was kinda shouting and I'm pretty sure I heard Rachel's door open.
"What is going on out here?" Rachel asked Chandler concerned.
"Monica!" He wasn't letting this go. I sat down on the spot of my floor that had become very familiar to me through the past couple months. I sat there with my back up against my bed, sobbing into my hands for the second time tonight. Alone for the thousandth time in 3 months. Sitting here for the millionth time since I figured out I was in love with my best friend. No one understands me, although that's probably because I haven't told anybody.
"Monica, I'm not afraid to break this door down if I have to!" I believe that.
"Guys, I'm fine! Just go away." Why was I saying anything. My voice was clearly showing I was sobbing.
"We're not going anywhere! I mean come on, if you won't talk to me at least talk to Rachel."
"Ya, Mon I told you if anything was up to just tell me." She seemed more comforting, but still I wasn't going to say anything.
"Wait, you knew about this?" This time Chandler directed his question to Rachel.
"No. At least I didn't know it was serious. I asked her if something was wrong because she seemed off but she said she was fine. I didn't think anything of it." Chandler exhaled clearly annoyed with Rachel. I found it endearing how much he cared.
I heard the door open, "Hey guys what's going on! I can hear you guys from all the way across the hall." So, it was Joey who just walked in.
"Monica's crying and she won't come out of her room." Rachel told him.
"Monica! I swear if you don't come out here in the next minute, I'm coming in there."
Instead of responding I reached for my bedside table drawer. I grabbed the thing I had been thinking about taking for a while now, but never had the guts too. I got back into my position and hovered the razor blade vertically above my left wrist. I read somewhere that it's harder to stitch vertical cuts then it is horizontal ones. I took a deep breath with tears still streaming down my face.
"Ok Mon that's it! 10 seconds before I come in there." God I felt like a teenager being yelled at her by her parents.
I pressed the razor blade into my wrist. It hurt but not nearly as much as I've hurt these past couple months.
"5!"
I swiftly drew the blade all the way up to the end of my forearm leaving a long line of blood pouring out of a cut.
"2!"
I took the blade off my arm and hid it under my bed as if when he came in here he wouldn't seen the blood coming out of my arm. Tears were still streaming down my face and I have a feeling they're about to start falling out of my eyes even harder.
Before I could think of something to do with my arm my door fell to the ground right in front of me.
Rachel held a hand over her mouth and Joey stood there not know what to do,
"Mon?" Was all Chandler could let out.
This is as far as it's come. Me sitting on the floor with blood rushing down my arm and tears streaming down my face, my friends staring at me in shock. Never thought I would be this person, although who knows when their going to end up feeling sad, depressed….alone.