A/N: This is the crackiest story out of all of my Konoha!Gaara AU. Spin-off to the Child of the Wind, Son of the Fire AU. Happened after the Konoha Invasion. You're better off reading that one first before reading this. Warning for crack and riddiculousness!
Out of all Hokage, Minato was pretty sure that he was the worst.
Too many tragedies have happened under his reign.
"You know what?" he slurred, sipping the sake directly from the bottle.
The companion sitting directly across him raised one elegant brow. The other one blinked at him in surprise while the third one—already hovering at his flank in a very obvious gesture to snatch the alcohol away from Minato's trembling hand—let out a deep exasperated sigh.
"This is why I don't let him drink," said the third companion, sighing again. "He gets…like this."
Minato ignored him and downed the whole bottle in one go. He kept his blurry gaze on his companions, hiccupping once as he mumbled out with such deep regret and hatred to his own weaknesses;
"I think I'm the worst Hokage."
Minato lost his wife and a good number of his shinobi on the day his son was born—Kyuubi was released in the process and ran amok under the genjutsu cast by his own student.
Up to this day, Minato still wondered if he has made the right choice.
He left Kushina alone right after she has safely given birth, rushing to the frontlines upon the alert that an intruder has broken into the defences of the Sandaime's ANBU and the barrier seals he had created to protect his wife and his newborn child. He faced off the intruder, trusting the Sandaime to guard Kushina—because this intruder was strong, too strong and dangerous, and it was his duty as the current Hokage to choose the safety of his village over his family.
Minato has a faint feeling of familiarity while he fought the intruder. The intruder felt both like a stranger and someone familiar to him.
Originally, he thought that the stranger was the legendary Uchiha Madara.
He was not so confident about that thought mid-fight. This didn't feel like the legendary Uchiha.
For some reasons, Minato believed—a gut-wrenching feeling deep inside his core—that he has fought this person before. No, not in this hostile situation but he has definitely fought this man in a much friendly setting. Every move felt familiar. Every tilt of the masked head and the shift of his weight from one foot to another. It was strangely familiar.
Back then, Minato wondered why he faintly saw the mirage of his former students sparring—the annoyed huff this man exhaled every time Minato managed to injure him felt painfully familiar like his deceased student.
It was familiar enough that Minato didn't have the resolve to stump the blooming hope that maybe, just maybe, in one way or another—Obito has survived.
They never found Obito's body anyway.
And there weren't any rumours of stolen sharingan among the enemy lines.
Thus, Minato didn't stump that hope and went for a gamble. He took a bold risk to unmask the intruder, not knowing which one that he hoped for—that Obito was the one behind the mask, or it was a complete stranger he has risked his life to unmask.
Minato knew that his instinct was right as he dispelled his Rasengan when the mask cracked, something paternally protective within him stopped him from crushing the man's skull for good.
His council could rage all they wanted afterwards—but it was worth it.
There was a hand hitting his body as the mask was destroyed. Minato didn't know what kind of jutsu it was but the effect was instantaneous. The searing pain of hostile offensive chakra invaded his body without mercy, burning him from within. His body felt like it was on fire—the hostile chakra razed everything in its path as it went to his heart, an attack aimed to kill indeed—but it was worth the pain if he could see the familiar face of his long-lost student behind the falling pieces of the mask.
Obito's strongest affinity has always been fire.
Minato really thought that he was going to die then. He smiled as his insides burnt, wondering fleetingly if Kushina was okay with raising Naruto alone. He thought of the future—of all the milestones Naruto would achieve that he would miss, of all the smiles and grins of his perfect little boy, of the mischief Naruto would get into (because mischief ran so strong from both sides of the boy's genetic) and so many more that he would miss.
Minato wept for his son's future that he could not be a part of.
Then, he heard the beastly roar of the Kyuubi being unleashed—knowing full-well what it meant for his dear wife—and the horror gripped his dying heart.
Naruto was going to grow up alone.
Futile as it was, Minato tried to fight his impending fate—the horror of knowing that his son would grow up alone fuelled his will to live—as he stood to face against the students he failed.
Obito stared at him with an eye so wide in disbelief.
He met the gaze of the vicious sharingan and all of sudden, that paternal protectiveness returned with full force, reminding him that Naruto was not the first son that he has failed. He has failed this young man too. He has failed his former students—Obito, Kakashi and Rin—and that was his first sin to his children.
Because before he was even married to Kushina and has a son of his own flesh and blood, these children were his.
Minato gazed up to the raging Kyuubi, sending apologies to Kushina and a prayer of peace-offering to allow her to kick his ass all the way across the afterlife as he chose his next path.
Minato used the last remains of his chakra to teleport right in front of Obito, taking the young man completely off guard when he embraced his former students tight.
"Sensei?" Obito choked, voice raw and confused. "What?"
"Forgive me, Obito," Minato whispered, choking out blood as he practically collapsed on the young man—Obito's arms instinctively came up to support his dead weight. "I'm sorry. For everything."
Back then, Minato deluded himself at the idea that he has reached the broken heart of his stray student when he felt wetness dripping onto his cheek. It was a delusion of his dying mind. Obito has gone so far as to attack Konoha—ripping the Kyuubi out of Kushina who has treated him like her own kid brother or even her own son—thus there was no way these horrified sobs that racked Obito's frame and droplets of tears he felt on his skin were any more than a delusion of being so close to death.
It was a delusion, but it was a nice one.
Obito's hold on his body was so tight it was almost painful, but Minato was honestly too injured and weak to mention it.
"Sensei, why?"
Minato shifted his head, gazing straight into Obito's glazy sharingan and beamed brightly.
"Welcome home, Obito."
Obito made a choking sound, the glaze in his swirling red eye grew into fat droplets of tears as his hands gripped tight around Minato's slumped shoulders.
"Sensei!"
"Ssshhh…Obito," Minato hushed, vision already swimming with darkness just like the dimming fire inside him. "Sorry," he slurred, using the last of his energy to gently pat the scarred cheek.
As his vision faded to pure blissful darkness, Minato vaguely heard a distinct howl of pain and sorrow.
He didn't know why the howl he heard sounded so human.
"You saved your student."
"I let Kyuubi ran loose and kill hundreds of good shinobi."
Minato crinkled his nose when his companion frowned.
"A man of Obito's calibre could be a bigger threat in the future," said the stoic man, crossing his arms over his blue breastplate. "Sure, if it was me, I would've killed him on the spot, but you chose to save him, and now he is loyal to Konoha. That is hardly a failure."
"Mmm," Minato hummed, swirling the sake bottle in contemplative silence. "He did help us put a stop to Black Zetsu's plan. Kaguya is sealed for good now."
"There," cheered his other companion, beaming sunshine and happiness across the table. "Not a failure."
"But I let so many died. So many good men and women—loyal Shinobi that died because I'm a failure."
The frown turned to a grim scowl. Beside the scowling silver-haired, his brother sighed and exchanged a defeated look with the oldest one who was hovering over Minato.
"Yondaime Hokage," the silver-haired called firmly, keeping his focused gaze into the Yondaime's glazed blue eyes.
On the other hand, Minato's drunken state has significantly reduced his urge to have a bit of dignity or even his ability to keep his thoughts straight. Thus, he pouted at the man across of him, reaching one trembling finger to poke at the corner of the prominent unimpressed scowl.
His finger touched bouncy heavenly softness, and Minato giggled.
"Sofffftttt," the Yondaime Hokage cheered, regret almost forgotten as he leaned over the table to cup the soft scowling cheeks into his palm. "Your cheeks are so sofffftttt."
There were snorts of laughter from the two other men of their table.
"Yondaime!" the poor victim scrambled backwards, only to find a thick tendril of wood has miraculously appeared and wrapped around his waist to keep him from moving out of the Yondaime's grabby reach. "ANIJA!" he yelled at the man beside him then, still fighting off the Yondaime's persistent hands.
Hashirama burst out laughing, embracing the asshole traits of all elder siblings over their younger sibling's misery.
Hiruzen wisely stayed out of the way. He knew his sensei. He did not have a death wish.
"You know what this reminds me?" said the Yondaime Hokage, who now has climbed over the table onto Tobirama's lap—hands were squeezing the poor Nidaime's cheeks. "Gaara," he hiccupped, switching to poking the cheeks now. "My boy has incredibly soft squeeze-able cheeks too."
"…..."
Hiruzen opened his mouth.
"Sarutobi, NO," Tobirama cut him off with a growl, knowing his student all too well. "Gaara is his son."
"That sounds wrong, though," Hiruzen pointed out. "Squeeze-able cheeks."
Tobirama's face twisted into a disgusted scowl. "Sarutobi…"
His incoming yell was replaced with an undignified shriek when he suddenly had an armful of drunk Yondaime attempting to smother his face with kisses the equivalent of the horror only an overly affectionate doting grandmother would bestow—all the while, the blonde Hokage was giggling and cooing 'cute' in multiple synonyms and analogy.
Hiruzen stared at the unfolding scene of Yondaime Hokage attempting to molest the Nidaime.
"Sensei, you're engaged," he reminded, obviously already losing his sense of self-preservation upon this ridiculous scene. "I don't think Madara-sama is okay with a threesome."
Tobirama looked like he didn't know who he was going to strangle first—either the drunk affectionate Yondaime or his perverted former student.
"Get your mind out of the gutter, Sarutobi," in the end, the Nidaime settled with a growl, being fairly distracted with having his cheeks squeezed to numbness.
Hashirama was dying of laughter, sprouting flowers all over their booth.
"But, sensei—"
"I DID NOT RAISE YOU LIKE THIS, SARUTOBI HIRUZEN!"
Minato hiccupped, switching back to poking the Nidaime's cheeks, lips curled to a pout as he mumbled;
"Gaara does have soft cheeks, though…"
He then downed another bottle.
Soft. Cute. Soft. Cute. Softsoftsoftsoftcutecutecutecutecutecutecute
The browless forehead pinched to a frown as defiant pale green eyes stared up at him with enough intensity to make Minato's fiercest ANBU looked like a harmless kitten.
Well, that might be the truth after all. This boy—so young at barely half a decade old—has escaped the Kazekage's ANBU and displayed the terrifying prowess of an untrained jinchuuriki that Minato hasn't let his own son divulged into yet. Those pale green eyes were defiant, filled with wariness and hatred—a reflection of the same emotions he saw in Kyuubi's eyes before he sealed the beast into his newborn son.
Sabaku no Gaara was a dangerous boy.
Despite all that, Minato's hands itched to squeeze those soft-looking chubby cheeks.
"Hokage-sama?"
Minato snapped out of his inner lamenting over not being able to indulge his hobby squeezing the life out of adorable children and shifted his gaze to the boy's uncle. The Suna shinobi has taken his forehead protector off and placed it on the ground next to his knee, a deep horizontal slash across the metal plate showed that he was no longer allied himself to his original village. Yashamaru's head was bowed low—the highest form of submission and trust for a shinobi, especially in front of the leader of an enemy village—but Minato couldn't indulge in his compassion to relieve Yashamaru of his kneeling position.
His council was here to decide the fate of this duo.
And the only one he trusted could view this delicate matter subjectively was Shikaku, Inoichi and Choza.
"With all due respect, Hokage-sama. You're aware that if we keep this boy here, it would mean war against Suna," Hyuuga Hiashi pointed out, white emotionless eyes bored into Minato's own.
"The Kazekage tried to kill this boy—his own child!" Akimichi Choza hissed, hair flaring in paternal protectiveness that Minato recognised so well. "I'm not sending an innocent child into the jaws of death."
"We all heard that Shukaku's jinchuuriki killed without care," Fugaku snapped—and as surprising as it was to see the head of the Uchiha and Hyuuga agreed with something, Minato didn't like how this argument was going. "This boy is not innocent!"
"Our children would fight if their life is threatened too! That is just the proof that he is a strong shinobi," Choza was not yielding.
"This will bring trouble to the whole village," Hiashi growled.
"Our alliance with Suna is already shaky to begin with," Shikaku countered, fixing his gaze on Hiashi's eyes. "Either way, war is inevitable."
"So, you're saying that we should make the war approach closer?" Fugaku sneered.
"No," Shikaku huffed, not even bothering to hide the fact that he was rolling his eyes. "Maa…what a drag."
"We're saying that one more thing to protect in this inevitable war would be good for our motivation," Inoichi said, giving Gaara a gentle smile. "I have a daughter his age, and I would never be able to look her in the eyes if I send this boy back to his death sentence."
His words seemed to touch a nerve because Fugaku and Hiashi visibly flinched upon hearing his words.
Gaara stared at Inoichi like the man was a god descended from heaven.
"Neither would I," Aburame Shibi said from behind his high collar, finally breaking his silence. "He is at the same age as Shino."
"True," Choza agreed and thumped his fist to his heart. "I vote in his favour, and if they do not have anywhere to go," he tilted his head, giving a tiny smile towards Gaara, "the Akimichi would be happy to have two new family members."
Gaara's head snapped up to look at the Akimichi Head with unveiled wonder.
Minato had to wonder if no one has ever spoken for the boy's benefit before.
"Is that true, pup?" before Fugaku or Hiashi could counter, Inuzuka Tsume sauntered across the room, her gigantic partner trailed by her heels. "Your own father tried to kill you?"
All eyes zoned onto Gaara.
Gaara met their gaze defiantly, his young voice was unwavering and stoic as he said;
"Yes."
The boy dropped his scarf to reveal the ugly dark blue bruises necklacing his neck.
"Most of the times he tried to kill me personally but there were times that it was supposed to look like accidents."
There was a collective hitch of horrified breaths. Someone actually growled—it was too human to be from Tsume.
"His gold dust is heavy," the boy mumbled with a calm hoarse voice, like he was so used to it as he ran a finger absentmindedly over the bruise. "My sand is weak. Can't stop him. Can't breathe," he said, turning around to retreat beside Yashamaru. "Uncle saved me. He said that he is going to kill me so that Father doesn't have to dirty his hand. But Uncle brought me here instead."
Yashamaru kept his gaze on the floor when Gaara caught Minato's gaze.
"Uncle said that Hokage-sama would be more merciful to us than Father would ever be."
Minato felt his own decision was set into place right there and then.
Tsume's partner growled viciously and from the feral maternal glint in the Inuzuka matriarch's eyes, Minato knew that Tsume's vote has been set in place too. The feral woman knelt in front of the boy and nuzzled her nose to the top of Gaara's head. She let out a soothing purr, eyes closed even when her partner shifted to wrap his tail around Gaara's small body.
There was never a time when a one-eyed dog would look even more terrifying than now.
When Tsume opened her eyes again, she was angling a challenging glare towards Fugaku and Hiashi. Both men outright blanched and backed away once they met her glare.
"We don't kill our own pups," the woman growled. "And my pack has a room for two more."
Minato was positive that Gaara saw Tsume under new light now. The boy's eyes widened in wonder as he looked up to the woman, his small hand fiddled with the fur of the strong tail wrapped around his waist.
Gazing upon the rest of the council—the heads of the smaller clans—Minato noted that the situation has changed. The council seemed to shift onto the neutral ground now that majority of the prominent clans seemed to be in Gaara's favour.
It wasn't like they could deny the proof. If the bruise persisted on Gaara's pale skin—despite Shukaku's infamous ultimate defence—the Kazekage has done something horrible to ensure his youngest son's death.
Most of the Clan Head here were parents themselves. Very few of them would choose the animosity against enemy shinobi over the grim fate of a young child. These people would fight to the death to ensure that no children died under their watch.
"Shall we cast our vote now?" Minato called. "Can I have those in favour of welcoming Yashamaru and Gaara as our own to raise their hands?" he ordered, raising his hand along with the majority members of his council.
Despite being firm in his decision, Minato has doubts.
Was it alright to lead his people into war for the sake of this boy?
"And then—WAR."
Tobirama sighed to his palms in pure suffering.
"I lead my people into war for a little boy," Minato giggled deliriously, licking the sake cup. "So many people died because of my selfish needs of wanting to keep the boy safe."
Tobirama shifted, spreading his legs to accommodate the blonde Hokage who has all but collapsed on top of his body. The Nidaime suppressed a sigh and leant his back against the wall. How the hell the drunk Hokage could find comfort on top of his armour was a total mystery, but what was even more of a mystery was the amused glint in his fiancé's eyes. The amused glint in Madara's eyes showed that the Uchiha might be having the time of his life over Tobirama's misery.
To be honest, Tobirama was expecting either adorable flailing or angry jealousy outburst when Madara randomly slid into their booth and squished himself between him and Hashirama.
Instead, the Uchiha only cast one amused look over the drunk blonde Hokage, snorted under his breath and promptly added more into Tobirama's misery by leaning heavily against his side when the Nidaime already has a heavy lump that used to be a dignified Yondaime Hokage on top of him—both men were using the poor Nidaime as a pillow.
"Yondaime," Hashirama said, voice soft and soothing. "You saved that child from his abusive father," the Shodai soothed, running his fingers through the blonde locks. "Plus, your council was in the boy's favour. You could've ended up facing a coup if you decided to send young Gaara back to his abusive father."
Minato hiccupped, his grabby hand reached up to the sake bottle that Tobirama was holding over his head before he gave up and curled against Tobirama's breastplate.
"I couldn't stop the Uchiha coup."
Then, he wailed.
"They died because of me!" Minato sobbed, shifting his teary blue eyes towards the stunned Madara. "Your people died because of me!"
"I thought it was an unknown assailant?" Madara frowned, breath hitched in his throat when the Yondaime suddenly lunged onto his lap, relieving Tobirama from pillow duty. The legendary Uchiha didn't resist, sharingan whirled to life as he directed a demanding look towards Tobirama.
The Nidaime sighed and slapped some seals around their booth, making their conversation private.
"Talk, Yondaime," the Uchiha growled, looking down onto the teary blue eyes, his body trembled in brimming rage. "What do you know about the Uchiha's massacre?"
Minato wept. Hiruzen inched closer to the exit of their private booth.
Minato returned from a bloodbath to another bloodbath.
Gaara was perfectly silent by his side—the boy was still drenched with the blood of Suna shinobi he had killed to protect Minato's men—but Minato couldn't hold the same stoicism. Shameful as it was to be overwhelmed with death while the seven-years-old boy next to him just lost his uncle and has fought alongside Minato on the frontline, Minato could not hold the same stoicism that Gaara displayed. He might be a seasoned shinobi who was so used to death and bloodshed but there was a limit to things he could endure in one day.
Minato knelt by the corpse of his friend and looked straight into the empty glaze of Fugaku's eyes.
They were supposed to have the peace talks tomorrow. The Uchiha coup was made aware to Minato by Shisui and Itachi. Not wanting a civil war to erupt, Minato has promptly taken an action, hounding Fugaku for a peace talk so that they could sort this ill-feeling out without any bloodshed happened. Mikoto and Kushina were close friends, while Minato and Fugaku indulged in a friendly rivalry—and neither men wanted to break their bond over the dissatisfaction of the village's general prejudice against the Uchiha. They agreed to have the peace talks, and Minato agreed to allow the Uchiha to not join the battle for a village that did not make them feel belonged.
It was only fair like that, and Minato has left to the frontlines with a promise to Fugaku that he will return alive as they parted at the main gate.
He wished he had made Fugaku promised to remain alive until he returned.
"Who?" he croaked, being careful to not break in front of his ANBU.
"Not a soul survived," Gaara stated flatly, sand retreating into his little gourd from wherever he has let them wander in the dead compound. "They all died."
Minato was so close to breaking into tears.
Not even one soul survived.
Uchiha Ayaka has just given birth last week. He has visited her right after the first negotiation with Fugaku. She had joked that she would accept a sponsorship from the Hokage for her baby shower party as a bribery to not go on with the coup.
Minato remembered the list of stuff he has yet to buy for that baby shower party.
"Who?" he asked again, honestly not expecting to ever get his answer.
Ironically, his answer came to him that very night.
"Sensei, am I forgiven now?"
This time, Minato did break.
Minato was at one of his safe houses—not wanting anyone to see him mourn and break over the death of a whole clan that he was supposed to protect—when Obito collapsed to his knees right in front of him.
It was a surprise of its own.
His former student was supposed to be locked up in one of the most secured corrective facilities—because, despite his prompt decision to save Minato and surrendered himself to the authority seven years ago, Obito was still a threat to Konoha.
Uchiha Obito was an S-ranked criminal that should not be allowed freedom.
He also was one of the reasons of the prejudice against the Uchiha, since he was the one who unleashed Kyuubi onto Konoha and put all Uchiha under a genjutsu so that they won't be caught in the crossfire with the Kyuubi.
The villagers hated the Uchiha after that, despite Minato trying to clear the situation.
Which led to Obito's lonely prison time since his clan cast him away from their circle.
Minato visited Obito as frequent as he could, hiding a fond smile upon seeing Kakashi's devotion to spend all of his free time to accompany his friend in the darkness of the underground prison. Itachi did the same too, visiting Obito whenever he could and helped the former criminal from slipping into insanity again by sharing the stories of the world outside Obito's prison.
Minato often caught the two Uchiha in the middle of Itachi's fond regaling of Sasuke's shenanigan—Obito openly snorting amused laugh at the fond doting tone that Itachi was using in his tales.
Minato witnessed Obito's changes throughout the years, seeing his former bright student again as the shell of the revenge-driven man cracked to reveal the real Uchiha Obito inside.
Thus, to see the changing man knelt by his feet and mourned to the floor—with clothes drenched of blood that didn't even have time to fully dry yet—was not something that Minato has ever expected to see.
"Sensei, am I forgiven now?" Obito wept to the floor, body trembling as he dropped his sword—still bloody with fresh blood—and Minato was so confused and horrified at the sight.
What the hell has happened?
"It hurts, sensei," Obito choked, laughing deliriously. "Is this how you feel when I forced you to let your wife die?"
Minato snapped out of his confusion and rushed towards Obito. He held Obito in his arms, feeling the wreck of sobs spasmed through the young man's body, his mind went blank upon witnessing that. Minato didn't think of anything else afterwards. His priority right now was that his kid was hurting and he needed to comfort Obito as soon as possible.
Obito tilted his head to meet Minato's gaze.
Minato froze.
The teary mournful sharingan was not the Mangekyou Sharingan that Obito achieved during Rin's death.
Obito's eye has changed. The pattern was so different it was almost horrifyingly dangerous if not because of the lost sorrow reflected in the single red orb. The eye that reflected the heart indeed. If there was any truth in that saying, Minato could never let go of Obito's trembling body, knowing that if he did, he will lose Obito for the second time.
"Am I forgiven, sensei?"
Obito was clutching desperately on his sleeves—so like Naruto whenever his boy had a nightmare—and the paternal protectiveness raged again within the Yondaime Hokage. Minato gritted his teeth and planted a quick kiss on top of Obito's forehead, ignoring the fresh blood drenching the dark hair.
"I'm sorry I failed, sensei," Obito started to ramble, his voice dripping with the delirium, his single eye gazed wildly—gazing past Minato as if he was trapped in a horrifying genjutsu—and it was so bad that Minato could see that Obito was terribly close to losing whatever left of his sanity. "I know that the order was all Uchiha…," he hiccupped, clinging so desperately on Minato's sleeves. "But I can't do it to Itachi and Sasuke. Itachi is the only Uchiha who cared about me and I can't, I can't—I can't ruin them."
Minato's blood ran cold.
"What?"
Obito wept to his chest, clinging desperately as if this was the last time he would ever be able to feel the comfort from another human's embrace.
The puzzle pieces started to fall into place as Minato held Obito close to his chest, rocking the young man like he would to his own terrified child. Shisui's mysterious death and stolen eyes that they have attributed to attacks from bloodline hunter. The worrying rumours that Itachi told him—the rumours about the supposedly disbanded Foundation was making a move against the Uchiha. The surprised relief on Fugaku's face when Minato came for a peace talk—that now he reflected on the memory, Fugaku looked like he was not expecting to have a chance to solve the issue of prejudice against the Uchiha peacefully until Minato walked in. The fact that someone sent a memo to his desk saying that Obito was needed for an interrogation of Akatsuki's moves—an interrogation Minato was not briefed about, even though it was the protocol regardless of the fact that he has to focus on the war against Suna that was currently happening.
It all finally clicked in.
Someone was using his name and Obito's loyalty to him against the Uchiha clan.
Minato was now trembling in rage.
"Obito, two questions for you," he said sternly, using his Kage voice.
Obito hiccupped, but slumped his shoulders and lowered his hands, completely submissive.
"Why would you kill your own clan for me?"
"Because I forced you to let your wife die," Obito answered truthfully, his voice sounded so broken and delirious. "The pain—I understand now, sensei. This is how you felt," he closed his eye, whimpering to Minato's chest. "It hurt so much, sensei."
"They were your clan," Minato pushed.
Surely Obito would not choose Minato over the whole Uchiha clan just because of the deep-set guilt of his past crimes, right?
"But you and Kushina-san treated me more like a family than they ever did."
Minato could feel his heart stopped at that truthful confession.
No no no no no no no.
Minato's grip around Obito's trembling body tightened.
"I didn't give that order," he said using his Kage voice again, firm and unwavering but he needed Obito to understand that he would never hurt his kids like this. "I would never want a whole clan to perish, regardless of the threat they posed on my subjects," he said, holding Obito tighter when he saw the building sorrow in the shocked red eye. "I would never hurt you like that."
Obito choked a sorrowful sob. Minato held him closer, offering every bit of comfort he was able to give.
"Somebody is using you, Obito," he then spat those words in a growl, fixing his gaze into the young man's sharingan. "This is the second question for you."
Obito's sharingan faded as the young man slumped in Minato's embrace, body lax in utter defeat and exhaustion. His single dark eye stared into Minato's vibrant blues with unexplainable emotions, lips pursed into a quivering line—as if he was holding himself back from screaming in sorrow—but the way he clung to Minato display his trust to the Hokage, much like a child trusting a parent to protect them from harm. Minato planted a quick kiss over the eyepatch covering Obito's left eye before he slipped into his role as the Hokage again.
"Who gave you this fake order?"
The cursed name came in a defeated mournful sigh.
"Danzou."
"Is this Danzou still alive?"
Minato blinked at the man he was using as a pillow, seeming like he could not comprehend the question at all—which to be honest, he might as well have, considering how much he had drunken—before he promptly plopped back to snuggle against Madara's chest, yawning tiredly.
"Death is a mercy to him," the blonde Hokage mumbled to the dark blue yukata. "So, yeah. Danzou is alive."
Then, Minato giggled. Sadistically.
Hashirama joined Hiruzen to cower near the exit of their booth.
The Shodai was well-versed with the fact that the sweetest kindest person could be a demon from hell once they were tipped off their sunshiny mood straight into the land of pure rage. Look at his adorable baby brother! Tobirama was a demon when he was mad.
(Although, the first part of the requirement was always doubted by his people because only Hashirama ever described Tobirama as an adorably sweet little fluffball.)
Tobirama levelled a look at Hiruzen.
"What happened to Shimura?" The Nidaime asked in a poorly-concealed fury.
How dare his students tarnished his name with this abomination?!
"Which part of him are you referring to?" The Sandaime squeaked.
Madara spat out of his sake—only barely evading from showering the intoxicated Yondaime on his chest.
"Excuse me?" The legendary Uchiha hissed in disbelief.
"Do not make the Yondaime mad," Hiruzen said solemnly, pointing to the half-conscious figure that was conquering Madara's lap. "There were reasons people respected and accepted his decision to make the bijuu as members of Konoha's ruling council without question."
"He makes both bijuu as members of his council?"
That was the Shodai-sama, and yes, he was shrieking at the top of his lungs.
"Yes," Hiruzen nodded. "And dare I say, that they are wonderful assistance to the good of Konoha."
Hashirama looked like he was a hairbreadth away from bolting away from the booth and nope all the way back to Pureland.
Tobirama blinked, caught Madara's gaze before they—very slowly—shifted their gaze to the purring bundle of blonde on top of Madara's chest. The Yondaime Hokage seemed to have found comfort on Madara's chest (which to be honest, Tobirama could relate) and he looked like he was already half-asleep.
"Yondaime," Tobirama gently called. "What happened to Shimura Danzou?"
Minato blinked sleepily, looking completely out of it.
"How did you punish my clan's murderer?" Madara prompted, meeting the sleepy intoxicated blue eyes.
Neither one of the founders knew why Hiruzen paled and inched even closer to the exit.
Hashirama, however, has enough sense of self-preservation to follow the Sandaime's lead.
Minato shifted his unfocused gaze back and forth between the two men before he snorted and burst into a giggle.
Then, he started to sing.
"Maa, maa, Danzou,
Have you got any limbs?
Yes sir, yes sir, three eyefuls.
One for the master and one for the dame.
And one as a warning to those who follow my lead."
Minato finished the song with gusto before snatching another bottle, downed the whole content and plopped back onto Madara's chest, falling to a deep sleep as little snores escaped his lips. The legendary Uchiha simply exchanged a bewildered gaze with his silver-haired fiancé before shifting their confused gaze towards Hiruzen, silver and black eyebrows simultaneously cocked to demand for explanation.
"Danzou stole the sharingan from all murdered Uchiha that night," Hiruzen started, eyeing his unconscious successor in wariness. "He implanted the stolen eyes into his limbs."
"Yes sir, yes sir, three eyefuls," Tobirama said, lips quirking to a smirk. "That is a quirky wording."
Hashirama wondered when has his adorable fluffball of a baby brother has been swapped with this demon.
"I'm guessing that one of his limbs served as a warning to those who follow his lead?" Madara tipped his head contemplatively, now viewing the goofball blonde Hokage in a different light.
One glance to his fiancé revealed that he was not the only one doing so. Tobirama looked contemplatively interested.
"Yes," Hiruzen squeaked. "In the Hokage Meeting Room."
Hashirama's eyes widened. "You mean that weird preserved thing with a lot of holes in it hanging right above the Hokage's position at the table?" He half-shrieked and half squeaked.
Hiruzen nodded solemnly.
Madara considered kissing the Yondaime. He could not think of any more fitting way to punish the man that murdered his clan. This was brilliant.
"The master and the dame?" Tobirama urged, leaning slightly over Madara's chest to toy with the spiky ends of Minato's hair. "Shall I assume that one of his limbs are with the current Uchiha Clan Head?"
"Itachi changed the original frame of that thing to something fancier that would fit his office…," Hiruzen answered with a shudder. "…but yes."
Madara cocked an eyebrow. Itachi didn't strike him as a morbidly sadistic person like that, but hey, neither did the Yondaime.
He probably should establish the self-preservation rule to never mess with the kind-hearted smiley people.
"The dame?" Hashirama squeaked.
"Your granddaughter sent a letter requesting possession of the remaining limb as a reminder that her perfect granduncle can, as I quoted, 'misjudged someone and fucked shit up like other normal people too'," Hiruzen answered dutifully.
Tobirama's brows twitched.
"Tsuna did that…?" Hashirama's soul flew out of his body as he promptly collapsed into unconsciousness.
"HASHIRAMA-SAMA!"
Madara burst out laughing. Perfect.
A/N: There is an epilogue, guys! This originally planned to serve as Minato's POV of the events that happened off-screen of the story Child of Wind, Son of Fire. But, I was stressed and it turned out even crackier than I originally plan. The epilogue is riddiculous, so brace yourself before you click the next chapter.