The Elder Scrolls: Doctor Who and the Biting Pear of Salamanca.
It was a lovely day in the slushy swamps of Hjaalmarch: the water was sloshing, the mists rolled ominously, and the birds all squawked like screaming women. Leara thought it was a perfect day to make a fruit arrangement.
Armed with a variety of fruits, ranging from strawberries and watermelons imported from Cyrodiil, pineapple from goodness knows where, apples from her very own apple tree, grapes from the West, and a great many others from all over Tamriel, conveniently preserved through frost magic in their journey to Windstad Manor, she was ready to begin. The Dragonborn happily laid out the different fruits, cut and arranged by color, next to the large wicker basket that took up nearly half of her dining table. Humming a merry tune about coconuts, she lifted up three uncut pineapples to go into the base of the basket.
And promptly dropped them with a scream.
In the very depths of her meant to be empty fruit basket was a pear. Now, Leara Ormand, heroic heroine and Dragonborn dragon slayer and all that that she was, didn't like pears on a good day. They were gross, tasted off, and were too sticky (she didn't like kiwi either). She didn't plan to get any for her fruit basket and she refused to have them in her kitchen, much less in her house. They were just downright weird looking! But this, this one was just scary, terrifying, and horrific all at once!
For plastered across the pear's surface was a giant toothy grin, big and bright, one that would make a dentist euphoric with happiness. But it did not make Leara happy. Rather, it scared the Oblivion out of her.
And so she let out another high pitched shriek.
And the lone pear continued to grin at her.
Suddenly, Leara became aware of a wheezing sound coming from her kitchen before the doors slammed open and a man in a strange cost and…strange everything burst in. She'd compliment him on his amazing hair, but she was too busy screaming in pear induced terror.
"I! Hate! Pears!" he yelled dramatically, waving a weird blue and silver glowing wand at the grinning fruit.
Nothing happened.
Leara's scream stuttered to a stop and the strange guy just stared perplexed at the basket.
"That didn't go as planned," the guy pouted.
Leara thought he looked sort of cute when he pouted, but since she didn't know this person, she decided it would be weirder to tell him that than to tell him he had cool hair, so she put the thought back on the shelf. Instead, she summoned a dagger and put it uncomfortably close to the unsuspecting man's face. When he noticed it, he let own his own terrified scream. Unfortunately, it was still rather manly, so Leara couldn't make fun of him for sounding like a girl like she normally would.
"All right, intruder! Who are you and how did you get into my kitchen?" she demanded.
"I came…intru da window?"
Leara eyed him critically. "The window is bolted on the inside," she said.
The man pouted again. "Well, I'm the Doctor and I'm here to get rid of that pear!"
Leara dropped the summoned dagger, sending it back to Oblivion where it probably severed Sheogorath's one heartstring or something. She then proceeded to hug the Doctor. "I have no clue where it came from!" she cried.
"That is the Biting Pear of Salamanca," the Doctor told her. "And it is the most evil fruit in the universe!"
"The whole of Mundus and Oblivion!" exclaimed Leara in horror, and she nearly swooned.
"Everywhere," confirmed the Doctor. The two peered once more at the pear in the basket. Now that Leara thought about it, it did seem to look more like it would bite her than ever before. She shuffled back a couple of steps, just to be safe.
The Doctor, on the other hand, stepped closer and leaned toward the pear, which, more and more by the minute, looked like it would take a bite from one of them. Leara, not anxious to have the one person who might be able to get rid of the wicked pear eaten by that same fruit, grabbed the back of his brown long coat and yanked him backward. "Do you want your nose eaten by that…thing?"
The Doctor straightened up. "It doesn't eat noses, as much as it really just eats low flying birds, handouts, and the occasional unwary sightseer." Leara gave him a look and he smacked himself on the forehead. "Noses may be a common part of the general unwary sightseer, so…" Leara gave him another look, like "are you serious?" The Doctor just smiled and shrugged.
Slowly, the two became aware of a crunch, munch, squish noise coming from the table. Fearing that the pear had begun to cannibalize the other fruits, or worse, had decided to devour one of Leara's farm animals that may have haplessly wandered into her main hall. What they saw scared the juice out of them.
"Oh, was this for the fruit basket, too?" Lydia asked around the pear pieces in her mouth. When Leara and the Doctor could only stare dumbly, Lydia decidedly broke off a portion of the squishy fruit and tossed it into the Dragonborn's gaping mouth, causing her to choke and splutter. "See? Not so bad!" Lydia took another bite of her own. "Gods, I love pears."
"How can you – why would you…? They're squishy! They drip on your chin! How can you, how can you even stand that taste in your mouth?"
Leara finally managed to spit out the offending piece of the evil pear. "Oh Akatosh, I think I have PTSD…"
"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?" the Doctor looked at her in sympathy.
"No, Pear Tasting Saliva Defect."
In the background, Lydia continued to eat the Biting Pear of Salamanca.
Written for the April Fool's Day event on deviantART. I... Don't understand how or why or what or anything. Skyrim and Lydia is Bethesda's, the Doctor (the Tenth, here) is the BBC's, and Leara is mine. The Biting Pear of Salamanca belongs to...Someone else, thank the Nine and Rassilon!
Review, please! :)