Self-Proclaimed War of the Lovers, or Romeo and Juliet Smackdown: A tale of crackpots trying to get each other arrested.
((Too big to be the REAL title. It had to be shortened.))
You, oh reader, are blessed. You are about to witness (well, read, but. . . don't ruin my speech!!!) one of the greatest fanfics in history, written by two of the greatest writers in history: Roxeant (Kitty/Chrissy) and AzarathMetrionZinthos12 (Mary).
You are about to witness (read, damn it,) a war between four of the most twisted, distorted, crazy minds that ever existed on the planet: The minds of Raven, her lover Beast Boy, her leader Robin, and her friend (or so she thinks), Starfire. After forming in to teams (based on relationships), the two pairs will do everything they can to get their opponents arrested, humiliated, and slandered.
And, all the while, one not-so-innocent Robot is caught in the crossroads.
Will the two couples make up? Will Robin and Starfire EVER confess their love? Did Raven and Beast Boy REALLY use protection? Does Robin REALLY look at Child-Porn? Is he REALLY gay? Will a mad cult REALLY try and kill Raven and Beast Boy? Will Cyborg EVER get off community service? Find out!
Warning: This isn't R, but it's definately heavy PG-13. It's kinda on the borderline. No lemons, but sexual references abound. Be careful.
It all started with a simple misunderstanding. It wasn't as if Cyborg had PURPOSELY put the video camera in Raven's room with Robin's name scrawled on it. It wasn't as if he had PURPOSELY caught her and Beast Boy in an intimate. . . er. . . moment. (1) It wasn't as if he had PURPOSELY forced Raven to see the camera.
Well, except for the last part, it he had done it on purpose, but that has little to do with our current story.
So mad was Raven after finding said camera that she didn't stop to think that Robin wasn't quite the type to put a camera in her room. "I'll kill him for this," Raven muttered, her expression dark and foreboding.
Outside, Beast Boy knocked on Raven's door. "Rae?" he called out hesitantly.
"Come in," Raven said.
Beast Boy opened the door. "Hey...you didn't come down for breakfast this morning... what's up?"
"A camera," Raven said, pointing to the machine attached to the ceiling. "And guess whose name I found on it? Robin's. Looks like our Boy Wonder is planning to use some sort of tapes of me and you for blackmail. We have to teach him a lesson. . ."
Beast Boy turned on the tape and watched it on the small video screen attached to the camera. "DUDE! NOT COOL!" He blushed a deep crimson. "We did that in private!"
Raven nodded. "Exactly. We need to think of a way to get back at him. . ."
"But it WAS fun..." he smiled
Raven nodded, zoning out for a moment. . . and then, she snapped back to reality. "Beast Boy, you're the prankster prince. (2) Think of something! Anything! We have to get back at them."
Beast Boy thought.
"Okay, who's the one girl that Robin just ADORES!?" He asked Raven, smirking, though he already knew the answer. Everybody in the tower did. Except Robin didn't know Star liked him, and Star didn't know Robin liked her.
Raven rolled her eyes. "What? He likes girls??? (3) Well, if I had to pick one, it'd be Star."
"Bingo!" he said, giving his girlfriend a prize kiss on the cheek.
Raven smiled. "So, what does Robin's love life have to do with our revenge, Garfield?"
He smirked. "We all know Star likes Robin, right? Well...Star would just be DEVASTATED if we showed her a picture of Robin spending quality romantic time with Cyborg. Poor Starfire... finding out her dream guy was...gay..." (4)
Raven let out a short, sharp bark of laughter, but stopped as soon as a vase nearby shattered. "More control. . ." she muttered for a moment, and then nodded. "But, it IS a good idea. I can picture Robin's face when Star shows him that tape. . ." She grinned, still maintaining her control. She was getting better (she was good enough now to make out with Beast Boy if she was careful and had meditated a little extra), but still had a few 'accidents' sometimes.
"We go in the Main Room when Robin's sitting near Cy. We sit down together and start doing our favorite thing: Making out. Now I know you don't like to show affection publicly, but Rae...if we fall over while lip-locking, Robin'll be knocked into Cy. Then, we get one of my dudes to take the picture. Good idea?"
"Okay," Raven agreed. "So, which of your 'Dudes' are you going to get to take the picture?" She would soon find out. . .
----
"Dude! Beast Boy, Dude! How've ya been?" The boy, long blonde hair falling to his waist, was wearing flip flops, swimming trunks, and a white T-shirt. And sunglasses. In Jump City. In winter. (5)
"When did we move to California?" Raven hissed at her changeling lover, rather startled that Beast Boy had such odd friends.
Beast Boy was busy high-fiving his surfer buddy. He laughed. "Rae, even New York State has their surfer lovers!"
"Totally, dude," Dylan (that was the surfer's name) said, nodding his head. "Right on!"
"By the way, Rae, you know there was collateral for this, right? I just...didn't tell you what it was..." he murmured.
Raven arched an eyebrow. "Spit it out, Beast Boy. . ."
His voice became soft. "Your...bra..." (6)
Raven stared. Nearby, something smashed, but she didn't know what it was, and she didn't care. "WHAT? What does a surfer dude who looks like he's probably escaped from a loony bin want with a Goth chick's BRA? I suppose he wants a thong of mine too! Creeps. . ."
Beast Boy winced. "Too late. . ."
Raven stared. "Not only did you promise this freak your girlfriends underwear, you already went through my clothing and GAVE them to him? Why do you WANT them anyway?"
Dylan shrugged. "They're sexy," he said simply.
Raven almost fell over. Something else broke in the background. "WHAT?"
"Don't worry, Rae! He knows he will never sleep with you."
Raven was bug eyed now. "What? Sleep with him? What are you talking about? What does sleeping with a surfer with the IQ of a monkey have to do with my bra and thong?"
It was as that moment that Cyborg and Robin walked in.
"Game on?" Cyborg yelled at Robin before staring at Raven.
"You bet," Robin replied before the goth's words had registered in his brain.
Silent and shocked, the pair walked by Raven, Dylan, and Beast Boy.
Robin merely said: "Raven's bra? Who on earth would want that!" He and Cyborg snickered.
Beast Boy gulped, and put a hand on his girlfriend's shoulder to calm her down. "It'll all pay off soon," he whispered
Raven glared. Now, she was madder at the boy wonder than ever. "It'd better."
"Shall we start?" Beast Boy asked.
"Fine with me," Raven said, leaning in and planting a soft kiss on Beast Boy's lips. Oh, after what he'd promised Dylan, he'd have to put up with a little teasing before she gave him what he wanted.
Raven smiled at him, even though she wasn't happy with ANYONE in the tower at the moment. She had to pretend she wasn't angry.
Eagerly, Beast Boy sat on the couch, right next to Robin. Happily, the green changeling scooped a rather annoyed (though she didn't look it) Raven onto his lap.
Deciding to get things going, he kissed her deeply, using one hand to support the back of her head and using his tongue to ask for entrance to her mouth.
Raven let out a slight moan, parting her lips and, (a rare occurrence for her,) gave him full control. After all, now that she was on Beast Boy's lap, it'd be easiest for her to bump in to Robin if she simply leaned back. Beast Boy didn't have nearly as much flexibility as she did, since she was sitting on him.
Beast Boy continued kissing Raven passionately, even placing a few kisses outside of her mouth, tracing her lips and even kissing the crook of her neck. (7)
After a little bit, Raven telepathically sent Beast Boy the signal. Dip her back, just enough. . . As she sent him the signal, her teeth sunk into his lower lip lightly before she planted a softer kiss on his cheek.
Raven fell back onto Robin, shocking the masked teen and sending the controller in the air, and Robin to his right, trapping Cyborg in a big hug.
At that exact moment, Dylan came in and snapped the picture. "YES!" he yelled, "RAVEN'S BRA AND THONG ARE MINE, DUDE! BEAST BOY! YER GIRLFRIEND IS TOTALLY STYLIN'!" (8) He threw the camera on the ground, and dashed out of the room, laughing.
Beast Boy froze. "BUT I DOUBT YOU LIKED THAT ONE! IT WAS ALL LACY AND YOU DONT SEEM TO LIKE LACE!'
Raven arched an eyebrow. "You do know that Cyborg and Robin are a few feet away and are probably listening to every word that you say, don't you? I know it was Dylan's fault about the bra and stuff, but. . . he's gone. I'm going to have to take out my anger on you. . ."
Luckily, Robin and Cyborg were too busy getting out of their awkward positions to notice Dylan's screaming.
"Please, Rae! Don't hurt me! Remember? I'm Beast Boy! Your true love!" he hissed
She sighed, shook her head, and picked up the camera. "I don't know if I'm angry at you and your weird friend, or if I'm trying with all my might not to laugh. Let's go develop this before Cyborg and Robin realize what's happened."
----
Later, the telekinetic and her boyfriend stood in front of the door that lead to a certain Tamaranian princess's room.
Raven poked Beast Boy. "Turn into a fly if you're going to watch. . . I'd better handle this." Then, Raven knocked on the door. . .
Starfire called out cheerfully from inside. "Who is it?"
Raven opened the door a crack. "Me."
Starfire beamed and leapt upon her friend, hugging her tightly. "Hello, good friend Raven! Why have you ventured here? Do you wish to speak with me? Or do you perhaps wish to do the 'hanging out'?"
Raven sighed, pretending to be sad. "Star, I have something important to tell you. . ." she held up the picture. "I know you like Robin, but. . . he's. . . gay. And he loves Cyborg! I'm truly sorry for you. . ."
Starfire stared. Her eyes glowed a bright green, though she looked more confused than angry. "What? Raven, please, this cannot be true!"
"Look at the picture," she said, pointing. "It's all there."
Starfire flew out of the room, holding back tears in her eyes. "ROBIN!"
----
At that moment, Robin was having a shouting match with Cyborg. "YOU HOMO! I DIDNT CHOOSE TO FALL ON TOP OF YOU! THE PERVERTED COUPLE DID IT!"
Cyborg snarled. "YOU COULD'VE SAID SOMETHING TO THEM!"
"BUT I WAS BUSY TRYING TO BEAT YOU!" Robin growled.
"WELL, YOU LOST ANYWAY!"
At that moment, Starfire flew in, and she was angry. This was clearly noticeable, as she didn't pause while pinning the boy that she had had a crush on for eons against the wall. "Robin, we need to talk."
Robin blinked, masked eyes wide. "Okay. What about?"
Starfire held up the picture that had been clutched in her hand. "This."
Robin's eyes widened. "HOLY SHIT!!!"
"I cannot believe that you. . . Robin, you have hurt. . . How could you. . . how. . ."
"THIS IS ALL BEAST BOY'S FAULT! HE AND RAVEN WERE MAKING OUT ON THE COUCH AND HE FELL OVER AND HIT ME AND I HIT CY!" Robin whined. "THEY MUST HAVE TAKEN A PICTURE OF IT! BUT WHY!?!" (9)
The boy wonder's eyes narrowed. "Let's go get 'em. . ."
"No. Not yet, Robin. . . I have something else in mind. . ."
----
Raven awoke the next morning, climbed out of bed, slipped into her bathrobe (black) and fuzzy slippers (also black), and headed towards the kitchen to get some herbal tea. And then, in the pre-dawn darkness, she tripped over something. Something large.
Upon closer inspection (after she'd turned on the light) she realized that it was a baby's crib. When she looked down to see who it was addressed to, the tag clearly said: 'To Raven'
The girl tilted her head, moved the crib to a corner of the room, and took another step forwards to see. . . a whole pile of baby stuff. She stared. All of it was clearly for her. The tags, big and small, all said 'Raven' on them.
"But why would anyone send me baby stuff?" she said aloud, eyeing a mobile. It was then that she saw the letters. A whole pile of them! She grabbed the nearest one, opened it, and began to read.
Dear Raven,
Way to go! I'm so excited that the Teen Titans will soon be saying hello to a new member!
Do you know if it's going to be a boy or a girl yet? I hope it's a girl! Girls are so much better than boys.
You're my favorite Titan
Laura, age 9 (10)
Raven was now officially confused. A nine year old girl was writing to her about a new member. A baby, from the sound of it. She was still too tired and shocked to understand. She opened up a second letter, this one from the governor.
Dear Raven and Garfield Logan,
We are pleased to hear of the arrival of your new child, but because of your age, a mere 16 years, in a household with no parental or adult guidance, we advise you give the child up. We are offering to give you a free abortion via Jump City. It shall be private.
Yours truly,
(Scribbly Signature)
Governor Wayne (11)
Raven stared. An abortion? For her? She wasn't even pregnant! She stared at the letter, put it down, and opened yet another.
Demon!
Hell shalt come upon those who engage in the pleasure of the flesh before holy matrimony has been obtained! Get down on your knees and repent, ask God to forgive you and beg for him to save your soul!
A concerned, religious civilian of Jump City
Raven was even more shocked now. "What? What is going on?" Something nearby exploded. Alright, that was it! Dashing to the bathroom, Raven slammed the door shut.
Beast Boy was already there, calmly brushing his teeth. He had left Raven's bed when her warmth had disappeared and had come to the bathroom to prepare for the day. (12)
Raven stared at her lover, walked past him, opened the cupboard below him, pulled out not one, but three, home pregnancy tests, and then grabbed the green changeling by the scruff of his neck. "Out! Living Room! Now!" was all that she was able to gasp out.
A few minutes later he banged on the door. "RAVEN! A CULT'S AFTER US! Are you really pregnant?"
Raven, perfectly calm, walked out of the bathroom. "I'm not," she said simply. "But, apparently, the press seems to think so. . ."
Beast Boy sighed in relief. "Good! But, who could have done this?! I DONT LIKE CULTS COMING AFTER ME!" (13)
Raven shrugged. "I'm not sure. . . but whoever did it is gonna pay. . . and what do you mean a cult is coming after us?"
"Err. . ." He handed her a note. It read: 'EVIL DEMONS OF HELL! WE WILL FIND YOU AND BURN YOUR CHILD ALIVE!'
Raven stared. ". . . Oookaaay. . . I think we should look at the newspaper. . ."
Together, they rushed to the front door and pulled the paper off of the doorstep. The headline caught their eye.
"HALF-DEMON SUPERHERO EXPECTING"
Raven of the Teen Titans, after a one night stand with Beast Boy, the charming, green playboy who can morph in to any animal he wishes, has discovered that she is pregnant with their love-child. After she broke the news to the father, Beast Boy broke up with her, and was seen at the local town bar, flirting with severa-"
Raven stopped reading. "This is sick," she said, rolling her eyes. "Who could have done this to us? I'm not pregnant, and you haven't broken up with me! You haven't visited the local bar either. . ."
"WHAT?!" Beast Boy's eyes widened. "I'D NEVER DO THAT TO YOU, RAE!" He twitched with anger. "If we had a kid, I'd stand behind you all the way."
"Of course you would," she said angrily. Something nearby shattered, most likely one of the baby things that Raven had received. "Now, we just have to convince the press that I'm not pregnant! Though how we're going to do that, I'll never know. . ."
----
Raven stalked out of the doctor's office, thoroughly annoyed. She immediately grabbed Beast Boy and huddled against him for warmth. "I'm freezing, and very angry," she muttered. "I was right. I'm not pregnant. . . but, let me tell you, some of the tests aren't pleasant."
"Rae..." he blushed. "Now that we've gone through this, I wish we WERE having a kid. Kids rock..."
She shook her head. "Don't even think about it, Garfield Logan. Not yet, anyway. So, like I was saying, the doctor can prove that I'm not, nor ever was, pregnant. Now, we just need to tell the press."
Beast Boy smiled at Raven, sympathetically helping her towards the door. But, when they opened it to leave the hospital, they froze.
561 thousand people stood outside.
"Oh shit," the green changeling muttered.
Raven, however, was calm and collected. Everyone was silent as they came out. At least, for a moment. . . Then, the question started. All at once.
They blended together: "Areyoutwostilltogetherisittruethatyou'repregnantRavendoyouknowwhatsexthechildwillbeyetcanyouexplainyourreasonshaveyoudecidedtokeepthechildand. . ."
"SILENCE!" Raven yelled.
Everyone was silent.
Beast Boy flinched.
Raven smiled.
"Good. Now, everyone, I am NOT pregnant. Thank you for ALL of the wonderful gifts. I appreciate them, and they will all be donated to. . . er. . . some cause or other. I never WAS pregnant, Beast Boy never went to any bar of any sort (he's underage anyway, and everyone in Jump City knows it, so he couldn't have gotten in even with fake ID), and this was all a horrible trick. We have medical proof that I never was pregnant," Raven added. "Question the doctor if you have any more concerns."
And with that, Raven teleported herself and the changeling back to the tower. They needed to plot.
----
Beast Boy, overjoyed that they had escaped and that his girlfriend was alright, hugged her tightly.
Raven sighed, and gently shoved him off of her. "First, we have to plot our next move. I know who did this, Robin and Starfire! They're mad because of the gay prank we pulled. Now, we have to get them back."
"Umm Rae? As the King of Mischief, this is a bad line but: Aren't we being immature about this? We're 16!"
"Beast Boy, a cult is after us! This means WAR!"
"Rae, lets confront them, not fight." He said sternly
"Beast Boy! Cult! Public humiliation! Come ON!"
"We'll get some pictures of Robin and Star, then?"
"We can do better. If Star and Robin can convince the press that I'm pregnant, we can think of something even more evil!"
"Find a playboy and say it was in Robins' room?"
"Better!"
"SEND ROBIN CHILD PORN AND WHEN THE POLICE COME WE TELL THEM WE FOUND IT ON HIS COMPUTER!"
Raven smiled. "Not bad! I believe we can add to it, though. . . Find child porn. . . AND, we can get a picture of him naked in playgirl. Heh. . . Star'd freak. Beast Boy, don't look at me like that! We're going to use a naked body we find on the INTERNET! I'm not going to go into his room and. . . Never mind." (14)
"GOOD!"
Raven smirked. "I know. I thought of it, didn't I?"
----
The doorbell rang.
Groggily, Robin stumbled over to the front door and opened it. Previously, he had been sleeping on the couch. "Er, hello officers!" he stuttered after seeing who it was that had come to call.
A rather burly policeman with huge arms and an even bigger potbelly stepped in to the Titans Tower, looking sinister. Behind him, a timid, skinny man that could have been mistaken for a lamp followed.
"Robin?" the fat one asked, "we have reason to believe that you view child-porn. You are also sixteen, and were illegally placed in a Playgirl magazine."
"WHAT?"
The police officers stared. The fat one, who had also been the initial speaker, stepped forwards. "We have a warrant to search your room, and the rest of the premises."
Robin knew that only two people could be responsible for this. "BEAST BOY! RAVEN! COME DOWN HERE!"
Raven floated into the room, an eyebrow raised. Her leotard was ripped at the shoulder, and hung off her loosely. Her hair was mussed, and a purple bruise was beginning to form on her pale neck. Her cape was completely absent. "Yes?"
Beast Boy stumbled in a moment later, hurriedly zipping up his pants.
"YOU SICKOS!" Robin growled.
Raven sighed. "You're the one that called us down here. Did you do so just to yell at us?"
Robin jabbed a finger at the pair. "PERVERTED SEXAHOLICS!"
Ignoring Robin's outburst, and Raven and Beast Boy's appearance, the fat police officer held up a copy of playgirl, which he opened to the page on which Robin was displayed naked, in all his glory. Or, er, his face, and someone else's glory.
Beast Boy burst out laughing.
Robin blushed.
Raven snickered too. "Wow, Robin. . . I never knew you were in to modeling. . ."
"Officer, arrest these two," Robin yelled crazily.
"For what?" the officer asked, rather confused.
"THEY put the child pornography on my computer. I DONT EVEN KNOW THOSE SITES! But they do! And they should be taken away! I bet you 5 bucks they were just having unprotected sex a minute ago! And I've been on Beast Boy's computer. There's porn!"
Raven laughed. "Can't prove any of it. Besides, how do you KNOW that there's child pornography on your computer if you didn't put it there? And how do you know we did it if it IS there?"
"I de-porned my computer after finding it," Robin said. "Let's go check Beast Boy's laptop!"
Robin rushed upstairs, grabbing Beast Boy's laptop from his room and dashing back down. "Here you go, Officers," he said proudly.
Beast Boy gulped visibly.
Raven quickly patted Beast Boy's shoulder. 'Relax. . .' she said telepathically.
Outwardly, she was glaring. "BEAST BOY! YOU IDIOT! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU"D LOOK AT PORN!"
Beast Boy gaped at her and looked at her. "Traitor!" he yelled. Of course, he knew that Raven was just acting. But what did his girlfriend have up her sleeve?
Suddenly, the laptop exploded, a black light surrounding it. Raven froze and blushed. "Officer. . ." Raven looked down, pretending to be ashamed. "My powers. . . I'm sorry. . . I can't control them when I get. . . angry. . ."
Raven brightened a bit. "But I can help! I'll probe Beast Boy's and Robin's mind! Then, we'll find out the truth!"
Raven closed her eyes, pretending to concentrate really hard. Then, she turned to the officer, beaming.
"Beast Boy never looked at porn! Except once when he was eight and found it by accident. He was so scared he never looked again. Robin, however, has been a naughty boy. . ."
Robin glared. "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"
"I'm a telepath," she said simply. "I know these things."
Furiously, Robin stepped towards Raven and grabbed her arm. "YOU LITTLE-"
"He is abusing my girlfriend!" BB screamed, pointing at Raven.
"SIR, SHE IS A PROSTIUTE!" Robin yelled
". . . What? Since when do I sleep around?" Raven asked, for the first time, rather offended.
Raven snorted. "You idiot, I'd never try and seduce you!"
Starfire flew in, summoned by the loud yelling. "Robin! What is going on?"
"HA, SO YOUR TRYING TO SEDUCE ME!" Robin accused stupidly. He was obviously delirious. . . "RAVEN THINKS I HAVE PICTURES OF NAKED PEOPLE!" (15)
Raven rolled her eyes, sighed, and stood up. "Officer, did it look like I was trying to seduce that deranged boy?"
The thin officer shook his head. "Er. . . no. . ."
Starfire gasped. "Raven! You have slandered my dear Robin! Again! Why do you keep doing these things?"
Beast Boy blinked. "STARFIRE IS THE PROSTITUTE, NOT RAVEN!" He yelled. The green changeling was just as crazy at that moment as Robin and Starfire were. Raven seemed to be the only sane one! Or, was she?
"BECAUSE YOUR STUPID, PERVERTED LITTLE BOYFRIEND PUT A CAMERA IN MY ROOM TO SPY ON ME!" Raven blurted out before she could contain herself. "And you got some rather personal footage of me and my boyfriend! That's not any of your business!"
Everyone froze.
Robin's eye twitched. "I respect your privacy, Raven. I'd never ever invade your personal space."
Raven stared. "You didn't? But, your name was on the camera. . ."
"I didn't do it."
"Robin, the reason that Beast Boy and I took that picture of you and Cyborg. . . we wanted to get revenge on you! We would never have done something like that without a cause! And we DID do the whole child-porn and playgirl thing, but only because you told the press I was pregnant!
Starfire thought a moment. "If Robin didn't put a camera in Raven's room, then who did??"
Suddenly, it all came together. Raven's eyes narrowed. "Cyborg!"
"Yeah?" Cyborg asked, walking in, thinking he had been called.
Raven laughed evilly as her team mate entered the room, trapping Cyborg in a bubble of her black energy.
"Officers. . . we need to talk. I believe that Cyborg has some porn on his computer that you might just want to look at. He has also violated mine and Beast Boy's right to privacy, has caused all sorts of lies to be printed about us in the press, has slandered our name, has caused you trouble, and. . . lots of other stuff. I believe that you should forget all of this confusion and get him to do community service or something. . ."
The officers, both fat and skinny, were rather confused. And they said so.
"We're confused!"
"Don't worry," Raven said. "I'm ready to explain everything, with the help of my wonderful friends here."
Beast Boy blushed. "Heh heh...Rae, don't reveal TOO much..."
----
"Let's go sit on the couch," Raven suggested, leading the two baffled officers over to the main room. Cyborg was still trapped in his bubble.
Beast Boy sat next to Raven, and Starfire followed, sitting on the other side of the two officers.
The skinny officer tilted his head. "So, start from the beginning please, Miss Raven."
"Rae. . . Err. . . look at the TV!" Beast Boy interrupted.
Raven looked at the TV. "It's not on."
"But we can turn it on!"
He turned it on.
Raven turned it off.
"Nope. We have explaining to do."
He turned it on.
Raven once again turned the TV off. "No."
He turned it on.
"So, officers, Beast Boy and I found a camera in my room! It had Robin's name on it," she said, ignoring Beast Boy.
Beast Boy knew he had to stop her. "Raven! It's Courtney Love!" (16)
Raven took one look at Courtney Love and blew up the TV. "Back to what I was saying. . ."
Beast Boy immediately burst in to tears. "Raven! The TV! THE TVVVVVVV!"
"Beast Boy. . . We'll fix it later. So, we thought that Robin had been spying on me! We decided to get revenge by taking a picture of Robin and Cyborg hugging. Funny, but harmless."
"They bribed BBs fan by giving him Ravens bra, thong, and a naked picture," Robin added.
Beast Boys eyes widened. "HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE LAST PART?!"
"I caught your friend," Robin said proudly.
Raven glared. "BEAST BOY! What do you mean about the naked picture! I thought the guy was gay!"
"I love you, Raven," Beast Boy said hurriedly.
Raven smiled and hugged him. "Awww. . . that's so sweet! I'm still going to kill you. AFTER I finish with the tin can! So, we took the picture, and tricked Star and Robin. They got back at us by telling the press I was pregnant!"
"We used protection!" Beast Boy protested. Raven ignored him. Again.
"So, they told the press I was pregnant. I wasn't, of course. So, to get back at them, we planted porn in Robin's room and sent a picture of his head on some model or other's body and sent it to Playgirl. You see, we were just getting revenge, officers, and CYBORG really started it all!"
The two officers glanced at each other, nodded, and turned back to the Titans. "Alright! Until we've sorted this out, you are ALL coming down to jail with us."
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Calmly, Raven stood up and walked over to the front door. Outside, twelve figures wearing black robes stood, all carrying knives and torches.
"THE BRITTISH ARE COMING!" Beast Boy shrieked, hiding behind Raven.
Raven shook her head. "Naw. It's just the cult that was trying to hunt us down for having premarital sex."
She looked at the hooded cult members again, and screamed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Something exploded, but Raven didn't know what it was. "IT'S THE CULT THAT WAS TRYING TO HUNT US DOWN FOR HAVING PREMARITAL SEX! Er. . . I mean. . . This is the Titan's Tower. We are not home right now. Please leave a message after the tone. . . Beeeep!" (17)
"This is a nuthouse!" One officer said to the other. They were ignored.
"I'm not Beast Boy! Raven's a virgin! I'm Robin!" Beast Boy spat out.
The cult member ignored him. "DIEDIEDIE!" they yelled.
Raven gulped. "Uh-oh. . ."
Beast Boy's jaw dropped. "WE ARE REALLY EIGHTEEN!" he pleaded. He pointed at the policemen. "THEYLL ARREST YOU AND GIVE YOU DEATH PENALTY WHILE RAVEN AND I MOVE TO MY OLD TRIBE IN AFRICA!"
With those dramatic (and foolish) parting words, Beast Boy dragged Raven upstairs to hide.
----
Beast Boy quickly shoved Raven into his cluttered closet.
Raven sighed, dragged him in the closet with her, and shut the door. "We're doomed. You know that, right?"
"Yes," he squeaked
"What are we going to do?" she sighed.
Beast Boy grinned and stroked Raven's cheek, quickly trying to position himself on top of her.
Raven slapped him. "BEAST BOY! NOT NOW! WE'RE SO SCREWED! THEY'RE GONNA CART US OFF TO JAIL!"
She thought for a moment.
"You know, you have a point. We're already screwed anyway. Might as well have some fun."
Unfortunately, just as Raven leaned in to kiss Beast Boy, the door opened. Starfire, laughing crazily, pointed accusingly at the pair. "SEE, OFFICER! THERE THEY ARE! HIDING! THEY'RE GUILTY! Hahahaaa!"
"Ummm, this isn't what it looks like?" Beast Boy offered lamely.
Raven sighed, shoved Beast Boy off of her, stood up, and slapped Starfire across the face. Immediately, Starfire regained her composure.
"Sorry, dear friends," she said, a bit dazed by her experience. "Everything is driving me . . . how you say. . . nuts?"
Raven nodded. "Yeah. Well, we need to get out of here. . . something bad is going to happen. . ."
Just as she said this, the thin policeman ran by Beast Boy's door, chased by three cult members. "See?"
Suddenly, four more cult members ran into the room (which was already a mess), all carrying torches.
Raven shrieked (an odd occurrence for her, though EVERYTHING seems to be odd lately), winced, and then bit her lip. "I won't let you scare me. . ."
"Boo!" shouted a cult member.
Raven stood firm, brave as ever. "Ha! You can never defeat me, evil cult members! NOTHING scares me! NOTHING!"
"Rae...you have a bruise on your neck? Where'd it come from?"
Suddenly, Raven's face flushed, the tower began to shake, and she began to levitate in the air. "IT. . . WAS. . . A. . . LOVE. . . BITE. . . YOU. . . IDIOT!"
Suddenly, around her, everything exploded. Black flames licked at the foundations of the tower, and everything burnt to ashes. Well, except the people.
Raven, from her position on the ground, blinked her eyes, and tackled the nearest form- Beast Boy. "What a day. . ." she groaned, falling onto the ground next to him. "What a day. . ."
Beast Boy nodded, trying to stand up. "Yeah. . ." Soon, he had gotten to his feet. He scooped Raven up in his arms.
She grinned at him, shaking her head. "Beast Boy, I don't give a damn. Everything's already screwed up today. I think we should leave before the police get u-" As she spoke, sirens blared and ten police cars pulled up.
"Ohhhhh fuck this! LETS GO!" Beast Boy changed into a crow
From out of the cars, many blue uniformed officers charged, quickly apprehending the first three titans and the cult members, who were still trying to get the remaining two: Raven and Beast Boy.
"I agree. . ." Raven quickly began to levitate, when. . . a hand grabbed her ankle and yanked her down.
"Not so fast, missy," the fat officer said. "I'm afraid that you're going to have to come with us now."
Raven sighed, shook her head, and walked to the car. "C'mon, Beast Boy. Let's get this over with. . . What can they do? We're the Teen Titans! We protect this place!"
----
"Community Service. . . er. . . how you say. . . sucks? Is that the correct term, Robin?" Starfire asked as she picked up trash with her pointy stick.
Robin nodded, clearly agreeing with her.
Beast Boy was crying. "NO SLEEPING TOGETHER FOR A MONTH?! HOW WILL I SURVIVE?!" (18)
Raven sighed. "Having sex underage, illegal porn, fooling the press and general populace, damaging public property. . . (an ice cream shop nearby had blown up along with the tower, and the Government had to rebuild both.) It's a wonder that we weren't thrown in jail. . ."
"But sex is addictive!" Beast Boy whined.
Robin groaned. "PERVERTS!"
"You should talk," Raven spat. "I've seen the way you look at Star. Just because you don't ask her to date you because you fear rejection. . ."
Star stared at Robin, her eyes wide and shiney-ish (19). "Robin. . . is this true? I am so confused after everything that's happened. . ."
"Star, I love you," Robin blurted out.
"I love you too!" Star sighed, jumping in to Robin's arms.
Raven grinned. "They'll be busy for a while," she said to Beast Boy. "Shall we join them?"
"Hell yeah! I'm glad I'm not Cy. . ."
Cyborg, who had been watching both couples with a sort of horrified fascination, started picking up trash again, trying to ignore the scene before him. "Aw! Come on guys! You gotta help me with this job! I can't clean this stupid highway all by myself!"
All at once, all four stopped what they had been doing. "YOU STARTED IT!"
"Awwwwwww maaaaaaan! Guess I should take that camera out of Star's room too. . ."
"WHAT?"
"NOTHING!"
Fin.
Notes:
1. At first, I put 'them' instead of 'Beast Boy' in my RP with Mary, and she actually thought that Rae and Robin were together! Dear lord, no!
2. Yes, that IS from recess, though I'm not sure if Mary knows that it is. I randomly put it in there. xDDD!
3. That is oh-so-true. OHMIGAWD! We didn't mention Robin's hair gel in this! Nooooo!
4. Mary, I love you. Seriously. That idea of yours was KICASS!
5. I love Dylan! 3 3 3 I'ma have to use him in many of our One-shots. xDDDD!
6. Wha'? Mary, you little perv! Ah well, I love ya for it. Raven's bra? And, of course, where black, lacy bras go, thongs must follow, as in my other story. . .
7. Mary, either you're high, or. . . ah, what the hell. xD! You're playing BB well here. In this fic he IS a little sex crazed. Just a LITTLE BIT. Okay, maybe more than a little bit. . .
8. Is Dyllan gay? You'll find out soon enough, my pretties. Fly, my winged monkeys, fly! Eeeheheheeee!
9. What is it with me and capital letters? Or, I should say, Mary. She played Robin.
10. Named for a special friend. Elle, this one's for you! xDDDDDD!
11. No, he isn't Batman.
12. Heh. . . A more serious relationship is implied! MWUAHAHAHA! It's all your fault, Mary!
13. None of us do, Beast Boy. . . None of us do.
14. Do I sense anger here? Ohoooo yesssss. . .
15. Oookay. . . Robin's lost it! xD They've ALL lost it!
16. Courtney Love. . . oh the evilness.
17. MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE LINE IN THE WHOLE FUGGING STORY, YO!
18. Poor Beast Boy. . . He's gonna have a long period of suffering. . . I think he's addicted.
19. ANIME! YAY!