Author's note: This is based on a post by Abi (noangelsinthegarrison on tumblr). I'd love to link it here, but it somehow doesn't work right now.
For Abi.
Dean is laughing. Actually laughing. Not so much that his sides hurt, or that his grin splits his face, but it's good to have this feeling again. And Sam is laughing too, which to be honest feels even better. It started when Charlie came into the bunker and brought with her a grinning Kevin, who announced that they had bought a Christmas tree. That was unexpected, but not at all unwelcome, and so they carried it into the bunker and spent the rest of the day decorating it.
Now they are sitting at the table eating the pie that Dean made himself, and that he's very proud of. And the reason why he's laughing? That is because Kevin just tried to flirt with Charlie, and failed heroically.
But the laughter doesn't quite reach his eyes. This would be the perfect Christmas, if Cas were here. And yes, he knows that he was the one to tell Cas that he couldn't stay, but Sammy's life was threatened, and at least now Cas has the chance to try and live a normal life. The smile is gone in an instant, replaced by guilt and sorrow.
Sam notices, of course he does. And Dean is pretty sure that Charlie and Kevin have an idea of what's going on. But nobody mentions it, and Dean is grateful for that. He has to figure it all out himself, before being able to talk about it.
While the others change the subject, Dean's thoughts stay with Cas and when he looks around the room, he starts to imagine how nice it would be to have Cas here over Christmas. Of course Cas wouldn't want to be here, not if the looks he gave Dean last time were any indication. Dean wanted so badly to tell Cas, what the real reason was, but he just couldn't add to the weight on Cas shoulders. He had to carry this one himself.
Sam looks over to him, questioning him with his eyes, and Dean answers with a small shake of his head. Not now Sammy, he seems to say. Sam gets that and Dean is grateful. He wouldn't want to ruin Christmas for everyone else, by admitting that there's an angel inside Sam (and ew that's a strange thought, when you phrase it like this), and by telling everyone how he blames himself for the sad look in Cas eyes and damn Cas looked so sad, it could physically hurt someone!
Dean thinks even admitting this to himself is pathetic, but he really misses Cas. He doesn't feel a coldness inside of him, like he'd thought he would. It's more like an empty, hollow warmth that is clawing at the insides of his stomach and his ribcage, Occasionally feeling its way up his throat, bubbling like little stars waiting to explode. Like fireworks actually.
That's when a loud knocking pulls him out of his thoughts. At once he's completely focused, his hand hovering over the hilt of his knife. He looks up to see the others as surprised, as he himself feels. "I'm gonna check, who the hell that is," he mutters, while rising out of his chair. He feels this kind of anticipation, he always feels, when he's on a hunt. There's another knock. Louder this time, but at the same time more tentative, if that is even possible.
The door is right ahead of him. Another knock, and Dean could swear that this feeling inside of him is more than anticipation: It's hope. Hope that this might be someone good; That this could be Cas. Cas, who once said: "Good things do happen, Dean."
Dean wants to say: "Not in my experience," but instead he opens the door.
"Hello Dean."
Dean just stares. This can't be. He wouldn't be so lucky! But instead of saying this out loud, he quickly moves forward, until he has his arms wrapped around Cas in an embrace that is too close, but not nearly close enough, and he breathes the air that suddenly smells like home, and he feels the warmth and Cas hot breath against his ear and if it weren't so pathetic, Dean would call this: Pure Joy. But he's not really fond of chick flick moments, so instead of saying all this, he just breathes in and grabs Cas even tighter. "I'm sorry," he whispers, "I'm sorry, I should never have told you to go away, Cas. I'm so sorry, Cas."
"Dean," Cas answers, his voice raw from the cold, "no need to strangle me."
Dean immediately lets go of him. "Wanna go inside? It's warmer there."
"It probably is," Cas grants, and smiles his shy smile, "but I actually just wanted to give you this," he says, pulling a small parcel out of his pocket.
Dean frowns and takes it, his fingers accidentally brushing the ice cold skin of Cas hand. "Mind, if I open it inside," he asks, shooting Cas one of his cocky smiles.
"Sure," Cas shrugs and turns to go.
"Woah, woah, woah, wait!" he all but shouts, grabbing Cas shoulder. "Cas, buddy, I said I'm sorry. Look, I'll make it up to you, I swear, but please don't go now." Cas frowns and Dean continues: "Please Cas, come on, it's Christmas. Please, I'll explain everything. I'll explain why I had to send you away. And I promise to never do that again!" He means it. He really does. They'll figure it out.
"Okay," Cas says, and Dean feels relieve washing over him. But it doesn't feel good in the way he ever thought. It's more like a shower with the wrong water pressure. It feels better than before, but not good. And this is something that Dean will have to learn the hard way. Getting Cas back, having his little family back together . . . all that won't solve his problems. But it's a good way to start. A very good way.
They go inside and Cas is greeted with all the enthusiasm everyone can muster. Sam is grinning like it's Christmas . . . well it is, but . . . whatever. Kevin is smiling and Charlie is fangirling. (But "only a bit.")
Dean's looking down at the small gift he got from Cas and wonders what it is, that was so carefully wrapped in old newspaper. He's so caught up in his thoughts, that he doesn't notice Sam looking over his shoulder: "Oh, what's that?"
Dean startles and looks up. Obviously now all the attention is on him, thanks Sammy, but that doesn't matter, cause he finds this familiar pair of blue eyes that look at him expectantly.
"Uhm, it's a gift from Cas." Now all the eyes wander from him to Cas.
Cas just smiles and nods at Dean's hands: "Why don't you open it?"
Dean returns the smile and now a different anticipation than before crawls down his back. And then he opens it, and goes completely still, hands clenching and his jaw dropping to the ground. It's very quiet now, everyone staring at the small object.
"Where did you find this?" Dean asks, his voice sounding hoarse, and he clears his throat.
"Well, I couldn't just let you throw it away. I gave it back to you, cause it was of no more use for me, but it had emotional value for you. So I retrieved it from the bin and hid it, where nobody could find it. And now, a few days ago, I went back to that hiding place, cause I thought that you could need it."
And really, all Dean can do now, is wrap Cas in another bone crushing embrace, the amulet Sam gave him when they were kids, dangling from his hand, while he whispers "Thank you." over and over into Cas' neck. When he finally let's go of Cas, Charlie and Kevin already turned around to open their own presents. Dean turns around towards Sam, and he could swear that there are tears in Sam's eyes . . . or in his own, he isn't really sure anymore.
A few days later they go out, having dinner at a not-half-bad restaurant, until it's dark and the stars come out. Dean's had time to explain the Ezekiel-situation to Cas. He's had time to tell Ezekiel to go screw himself, Cas is staying and I'll hunt you down, if you kill my brother! He had time to apologize hundreds of times for sending Cas away, and he had more than enough time to wear the amulet like it was the most precious thing on earth . . . well, beside his family.
But, yeah, they're going out now, cause it's New Year's Eve, and Cas had the idea of watching the fireworks.
(Dean: "Seriously, Cas? Aren't we all a bit too old for that?"
Sam: "Oh, come on, Dean! You know that you totally wanna go, and watch the fireworks!"
Cas: (deadpans) "I've heard it's an important human experience.")
There's a park near the bunker, where a few of the local people meet up, so that everyone can watch everyone else's fireworks.
The sky is clear of clouds and already littered with little lights. ("They call them stars, Dean.") And yeah, it's all kinds of wonderful.
Cas is watching the colourful play, as the sky lights up with tiny stars, the humans call fireworks. He doesn't know that Dean is behind him, watching him rather than the sky. The only thing he can feel right now is the utter joy of being here and alive, a thing he can't take as given nowadays.
A few yards away from him, a family of four is firing a rocket into the sky, which explodes into the colour of Deans eyes, and the two little girls jump up and down, while squealing their delight. Cas looks over and smiles, while the girl's father fires another one. It's so loud that it startles Cas and makes him jump back in surprise, while the colour of Dean's eyes litters the sky. He would have fallen, if it weren't for the hands holding him up by his hips, and kind of pressing him back into a wonderful warmth. And he finds himself standing there, his back pressed against the solid form that is Dean Winchester, and he feels himself smile.
"Cas, you okay?" His breath ghosting over Cas' neck.
"Yeah," he breathes, clutching Dean's hands to have something to hold onto. "Yeah, I was just startled by that one rocket."
"It's okay, I've got you. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere." Whispered words in the dark night.
Cas shivers slightly, not exactly sure why, and Dean asks again: "You really okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, just cold."
That comment makes Dean wrap his arms around Cas: "Just to make you warm."
Cas can only nod and melt into this warm embrace, while watching the red and gold and green and blue stars lighting up the sky, and if his grin would be any wider, he'd surely outshine the spectacle. He's also pretty sure that Dean is hiding his own grin in Cas shoulder. And now the sky is just a colourful blur, lighting up every now and then, while they pretend to pay attention, but, really, they can only pay attention to Dean's chest against Cas' back and their linked fingers and all the other parts that accidentally touch. They shut out everything else, although Cas is pretty sure that he hears Charlie whisper: "You owe me ten bucks, Sam!" And Sam's whispered reply: "Oh, come on! It's not that long after midnight, you just won by a few minutes!" And Kevin: "I still have a chance to win the kiss-bet!"
That makes Cas smile even harder, and he thinks his face must split. Then he turns his head to kiss Dean on the cheek. (Kevin: "God dammit, can't you wait five more minutes?!") Dean blushes as if he wants to outshine the fireworks, but plays along and kisses Cas full on the mouth. (Charlie cheering in the distance and collecting more money from Kevin and high-fiving Sam, cause they totally just won the moon from Crowley and now Charlie can live her dream, cosplaying Star Trek on the moon!) Which is all pretty cool, when you think about it, but it's not at all the reason why Dean and Cas kissed. But they can analyse their feelings some time in the future. They've got time. They've got till forever.
Later, when they are both lying on Dean's memory-foam mattress, Dean whispers between kisses: "It's okay, I've got you. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."
Whispered words in the dark night.