Not Alone

Chapter I "Frozen"

Disclaimer: Mass Effect 2 belongs to BioWare.

I can't feel my senses

I just feel the cold

All colors seem to fade away

I can't reach my soul

I would stop running, if I knew there was a chance

It tears me apart to sacrifice it all but I'm forced to let go

–Within Temptation "Frozen"

101010101

Jane Shepard was restless.

There were two hours until the Normandy arrived at the Collector's ship. Her heart threatened to burst open her chest and her hands were sweating, despite the cold temperature of her room.

She cursed herself for feeling so nervous. This wasn't exactly new to her. Well over two years ago, though it felt like last month for her, she was in a very similar situation. Her eyes darted to her desk where she kept her photo of Kaiden and her gaze lingered on his smiling face. At least then she had him. He was there to calm her nerves, comfort her, inspire her, love her.

Shepard missed him, she really did. She missed his presence between recruiting her team, his thoughts and beliefs on how she handled each mission. She missed his smile, his lips, his strong arms that made her feel more safe than any modified N7 armor. Staring into his eyes and hearing his voice made her forget everything she suffered, her lost family and friends on Mindoir, her lost unit on Akuze, the hundreds of civilians and soldiers that died during the Citadel's attack.

Her fingers gently rubbed Kaiden's photo and a small, weak smile grew on her face as she stared at him. Closing her eyes, she brought the photo to her face level and kissed it. Maybe she could contact him before the Normandy arrived to its destination. She worked hard to make sure her crew made amends and peace with their inner demons, the least she could do is tell Kaiden she loved him.

10101

"Shepard?"

The human Spectre stood before Councilor Anderson, or ast least a holographic imaging of her did.

"Is something wrong? What can I do for you?" Anderson felt himself grow worried. His gut told him something was wrong especially judging by how his prized Commander appeared.

Shepard shook her head. "I'm on my way to confront the Collector's. This is...it. The one mission Cerberus asked me to do." Inhaling deeply, Shepard placed her hands behind her back, she didn't want her former Captain to see her fingers fidget. "I need to ask you for a favor."

Anderson frowned. He wanted to help Shepard, but with her working for Cerberus and in the Terminus Systems he was very restricted to helping her any way he could. Regardless, he nodded.

"I need to speak with Staff Commander Alenko."

10101

A persistent noise gnawed at the back of Kaiden's skull. His body demanded more sleep so he ignored the annoying sound. Not two seconds later the noise threatened to make his L2 implant pulse and he could feel the beginning of a migraine. Cursing, he untangled his legs from the sheets, being very careful not to awaken the second person in his bed.

Standing helped him awaken, he searched his room for the cause of the persistent beeping. He slowly realized his room wasn't the source of the noise, it was coming from the next room.

Kaiden cursed again, the beeping was an incoming vid-call. Chances were the Alliance was calling to interrupt his vacation. He quickly grabbed the clothes he had thrown on the floor the night before and dressed, not noticing his shirt was inside out.

The thought of being called in for an assignment when he was supposed to be on vacation put him in a irritated mood, and the pain in his head was worsening into a full migraine which prompted him to fall into an even fouler mood.

"Staff Commander Alenko," he spat as soon as he answered the call.

His eyes widened and his body froze. The Alliance didn't call him, it was Jane Shepard.

This is bad, Kaiden thought. He wasn't prepared to talk to her yet, he needed more time to figure out everything. "Shepard," he winced, his voice came out weak and shaky, "this isn't a good time."

There was a brief second an unrecognizable expression swept across Shepard's face, one Kaiden couldn't recognize. Guilt immediately racked his fully awakened brain. For a moment he wished he was there with his commander to make her forget whatever she was thinking. He mentally shook his head. He couldn't think that now, not after everything he went through during her absence. He moved on, he couldn't reopen a freshly healed wound.

Shepard sighed, and for another moment she no longer looked the unbeatable soldier that can kill a dozen Geth Colossus' singlehandedly, but a tired and vulnerable woman. "I'm sorry to bother you, Kaiden. But I need...I just have one thing to say."

Kaiden grew weary of her tone. The way she looked and spoke was as if she were on her deathbed.

She paused to take a deep breath. "You know I'm going after the Collector ship that destroyed the Normandy. The same ship that killed half of the crew. They made it even more personal when they boarded the second Normandy and kidnaped my new crew."

Vivid memories and images played through Kaiden's head. He still had nightmares of the Normandy's destruction, still woke with his heart pounding and tears staining his cheeks when he saw the ship fall apart, when he found Joker's escape pod but Shepard absent from it.

But, why was she telling him this? This information was something she should be telling the Council, not him. "Why are you telling me this?"

Shepard shut her eyes and held up her hand, signaling him to wait. "You remember what kind of power that ship commanded. Even with the second Normandy's upgrades there's no telling...I helped every one of my team get a sense of peace with themselves." She opened her eyes and paced, her arms behind her back. "I need everyone to have a clear head for this mission. We're alone. If we fail we won't have a fleet to arrive and finish what we started. If I fail then we'll–"

Kaiden frowned when Shepard paused, the expression on her face was unreadable. Then he felt something warm on his arm. He cursed mentally, he was hoping his call wouldn't awaken Sarah. Worse, she sported only a long shirt, her long legs exposed and her hair still disheveled.

Sarah appeared to still be half asleep and she didn't seem to realize Kaiden was on call. When her large blue eyes finally faced the screen and saw a woman clad in N7 armor she jumped out of the cameras line of sight with an audible squeak.

Kaiden hung his head for a long time, he couldn't bring himself to look at Shepard's face now. He wondered, would she be angry? Sad? He was afraid to look at her.

"I told you this was a bad time," was all he could say, his eyes still staring at the floor.

Shepard cleared her throat. "What I'm trying to say, Alenko, is that...I need to get this off my chest so I can go into this mission with a clear head."

Hearing her call him by his surname hurt more than he thought it would. Her tone sounded indifferent, neither sad nor angry. He forced himself to look at her.

Shepard smiled weakly, but she didn't look at Kaiden's face. "When I awoke from my two year 'sleep' I didn't have a moment to yawn, I was confused. I expected to wake up in some med bay with Dr. Chakwas nearby, and you fighting through security to stay during non visiting hours."

Kaiden nodded and smiled. That would be something he'd do if they were in that situation. His smile faltered, truth was they weren't in that situation. He went through a year blaming, hating himself for not taking Shepard with him on that escape pod. He hated the Council for not giving more aid, if they had more ships the Collectors never would have singled them out in that attack. He hated the Alliance for just declaring Shepard dead and not making any effort to at least recover her body. She was a damn hero that saved the Alliance and the Council with a small crew, something no one was able to do even with a whole fleet behind them. The least she deserved was a proper burial and they refused her that.

If Cerberus was able to bring Shepard back, why couldn't the Council do the same?

Kaiden refused to dwell on such a thought. He focused on Shepard's face instead.

"Instead," Shepard continued, "I find myself in a lab I didn't recognize. Once I sat up I'm told to grab a gun and fight my way out. Everything felt as if I had just slept a few hours. I thought perhaps I was in the Citadel, but I met someone, he told me in so many words that I was dead and Cerberus revived me."

Shepard paced again, her head tilted to the right as she recalled everything. "When everything calmed down, I was told two years had passed. I just wanted to see you, talk to you, know that you were okay when the Normandy went down. I couldn't sleep, couldn't think. All I could do was listen to Cerberus' head honcho, the Illusive Man. Do you remember what Wrex said when we first recruited him, Alenko?"

Kaiden frowned, it took a moment but he eventually remembered. He nodded before replying, "something about seeking your enemies enemy."

Shepard nodded. "Seek the enemy of your enemy and you will find a friend. I will never forget what Cerberus did. The Thorian, the rachni. I was there on Akuze, we were all nothing but test subjects. I'll never forgive Cerberus for everything they've done. A member of my crew was tortured physically and mentally as a child and guess who was behind it?"

"Cerberus," Kaiden whispered.

Shepard shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I'm dwelling. Bottom line is, Cerberus did what the Council didn't. They believe that the Reapers exist. They gave me a new crew, a new Normandy. Who was I to refuse? Cerberus is still an enemy, but for now I need them as an ally until the Reapers are dead. Do you understand my situation? Hell, Tali and I allied ourselves with the Geth!"

Kaiden didn't know what to say. Shepard made sense. The Council was too lost in its own power it refused to acknowledge something stronger than them. He slowly nodded.

"The first thing I asked Captain, " she paused to clear her throat, "Councilor Anderson was you. All I was told was that you were on an assignment, everything classified."

Kaiden felt the familiar pang of guilt creeping up his spine. The anger he felt at Shepard for never contacting him was suddenly becoming very distant and cold. He never knew what really happened when she awoke, but he never gave her the chance to explain.

Shepard sighed, looking very tired again. Her eyes glistened for a quick moment before she shut them tightly. "I...just wanted you to know what happened. You were on my mind all the time. Even though Tali, Garrus and Joker are here...it isn't the same without you and everyone else. I...know you moved on. I just had to tell you...everything that happened. Just know that I never stopped thinking about you, I still don't."

"Don't." Kaiden's eyes widened when he realized he voiced his thought. Guilt stabbed at his chest harder when he saw the hurt in Shepard's eyes. He took a sharp breath. This was for the best. "I'm sorry, Shepard. You're right, I have moved on."

Shepard laughed, a bitter, shaky laugh. "When I died, so did we, eh?"

Kaiden winced at the tone of her voice. She was hurting. His body started to shake. He wanted nothing more but to comfort her. But he knew he couldn't. Shepard's job was dangerous. She could very well die, again, on her mission. If she did, Kaiden wouldn't be able to take it. He just couldn't.

I can't lose you again, Shepard. I'm not strong enough.

Time healed all wounds. It took him well over a year to heal and Shepard was nothing more but a phantom pain. Within time she would heal as well. He had to let her go.

Shepard seemed to have understood what his silence meant. Her face hardened, but her eyes developed a glossy appearance. "I...look after yourself, Alenko.

"You too," Kaiden's words were in vain. Shepard had cut the connection before he could speak.

"Whoa," he heard Sarah say. She stood at the doorway, only the side of her face visible from behind the wall. "Who was that, hon?"

Kaiden let out a long sigh. I had to let her go. "Just my old commander."

10101

Shepard didn't know how long she stood there staring at the table in the comm room. EDI popped beside her after some time, asking if she needed anything. What could the AI offer her? Unless the computer could reverse two years then there wasn't anything it could do.

"Commander Shepard?"

Jacob was next to step into the room. Upon seeing the first human Spectre he brought his hand up in a salute. "I was not expecting you in here so soon."

When Shepard remained quiet, her face not even registering she wasn't alone in the room, Jacob frowned in worry. "Shepard?"

She inhaled deeply, focused on everything she couldn't stop thinking about, and when she exhaled she shoved all her thoughts with it. She put her mask on and did the only thing she could to prevent her from falling apart in front of Jacob, focus on the mission. She'd be damned if she lost anyone.

"EDI, tell everyone to meet Jacob and me in the comm room."

10101

"After everything I've done, you still won't do anything!"

All four members of the Council were taken back by Commander Shepard's sudden outburst. Councilor Anderson rose both his hands and moved them downwards, signaling for Shepard to calm down.

"You aren't making this easy for us, Commander," the Salarian councilor announced.

The Turian councilor scoffed. "You come to us claiming to have destroyed a human Reaper, but that evidence is lost to us. Besides being destroyed, it's in a system we cannot reach. How can we verify this so called Reaper?"

Shepard bit her lip and the vein in her forehead visibly throbbing. She looked at and pointed to the Asari councilor. "Then meld with my mind! See everything, the visions from the Prothean beacons, my encounter with Soverign and Saren, the Collectors and the Repear they created!"

The Asari's face frowned when she felt her fellow councilors turn to face her. "If I were to meld with your mind, Commander Shepard, and we can verify everything you've said about the Reapers is true, we'd be causing more harm by acting out."

The Turian Councilor nodded. "You've said yourself that these 'Reapers' are trapped in space. If they're so powerful they would have already found a way to escape. But they haven't. What can we accomplish by stationing fleets around, it'd do nothing more but spark a war."

Shepard's throbbing vein threatened to tear her flesh and her teeth broke the skin. She licked the copper tasting fluid away. What did she expect from the Council? They reminded her of the ostridges on Earth that she's read about, a large, powerful bird that would rather avoid battle and thinks digging its head into the earth would make its predator go away. Out of sigh, out of mind. Unless the Reapers appeared on their back yard like the Geth did, they'd do nothing until then.

The defeated Spectre sighed and rubbed her temples. She was alone. Even more, she was tired. Tired of the stalemate with the Council. "Fine, do nothing. When the Reapers appear around your ears, and you're running for your life, you'll regret not believing or helping me!"

"We're not done, Commander," the Turian growled, his mandibles twitching. "There's the issue of you working with Cerberus.

Councilor Anderson stood straighter. "Hold on, Shepard isn't with them anymore. She used them to fight the Collectors and they used her to get a Human Reaper. If anything she was working as a spy for us."

"Commander Shepard was dead, and brought back to life by Cerberus," the Salarian Councilor joined in the fray. "We do not know what they implanted in her. For all we know she's their spy."

She was alone. She lost Kaiden. She quit Cerberus. She lost Kaiden. Without her to lead, she lost her crew, everyone went back to their life. She lost Kaiden.

The Council didn't trust her. If they did they'd only throw her back into unknown space, alone. Shepard's hands tightened into fists. She was tired of everything. Why help when help isn't wanted?

"You don't trust me, after everything I've done," Shepard sighed. She was even tired of yelling. "Then I quit."

She walked away and never turned back, even when Councilor Anderson called after her.

10101

Shepard downed her fifth liquor shot and fought against the dizziness that threatened to knock her on her ass. She hated her new life. She fled Council space, she couldn't deal with the people that recognized her. They loved her, basked her in praises and requests for photos, autographs, advertisements, everything and anything. They treated her like a hero, but she didn't deserve that title.

She scoffed before swallowing another shot. Despite the rumors of her working with Cerberus, it still did not scare people away. She was tired of it all, so she left where little people would know her, let alone recognize her: the Terminus Systems.

There was plenty of work for someone with skills that she possessed. There was nothing else she could do anyway. All her life she's done nothing but kill. But she didn't know if it was because of her age, or that every job she took it reminded her too much of her past, but even she was beginning to tire of fighting. Remembering her past only brought pain. It brought the realization that she was alone. And would always be alone.

The corner of her eye noticed movement at the table she and her friends always occupied. They were late, but they arrived at least. She cautiously stood up and crossed across the dance floor, trying her best not to smell the stench of human and alien body sweat lest she wanted to keep all the drinks she consumed inside her stomach.

She threw herself on a chair, the shotgun on her back smacking onto the metal and creating a loud thud. The alcohol wasn't working anymore. For a while she was able to forget all her memories and the feeling of loneliness if she drank enough.

Now the booze only intensified the memories she wanted to forget, her failure to save her parents, her failure to save her friends on Mindoir. Her failure to save her unit on Akuze. Her failure to save Ashley Williams. Her failure to stop the attack on the Citadel. Her failure to protect the first Normandy and its crew. But most of all, her eyes glistened with tears, her failure to protect her child. Kaiden's child. Their child. She lost him when she died, when the child within her died before it could even develop.

"Ah, crap. Quick! Give Jane some Hallex before she starts up again," one of Shepard's companions announced.

Shepard didn't refuse the drug. With the lack of effect of the alcohol she could always depend on Hallex to make her forget everything, her failures, even Kaiden.

10101

Garrus originally thought working for a Spectre was the greatest way to do what he wanted. He was wrong. Being a Spectre was the greatest way to do what he wanted.

Who knew becoming the Archangel would eventually impress the Council.

The nightclub was packed beyond the capacity limit, the blaring music threatened to knock what was left of his jaw off, and the most persistent stripper kept groping him as he tried to get to Aria's lounge.

"Hey, soldier," the stripper shouted over the screeching music. Garrus noted her horrid appearance. The woman was skinny, her ribs and shoulders protruding, her long hair a tangled mess, and scars covered her body. "Want a private dance?"

Garrus nearly snickered. Was this appearance what criminals found attractive now? He elbowed past the human woman, but she grabbed his arm and flung herself in front of him.

"Now, now. Every soldier needs to let off some stress. Come on big guy, just because I'm human doesn't mean I don't know how to satisfy a Turian," she winked, her hands sliding across Garrus' armor.

His larger hand grabbed her wrist. He leaned forward, his eyes expressing the irritation he felt and couldn't express like human's faces could. He could easily tell the woman was high judging by the color of her eyes. "Not interested. I'm here on business."

The stripper was about to try to seduce him again, but she suddenly turned her attention on a Salarian that stood behind her, his face frozen in a smirk.

Rolling his eyes, Garrus was thankful not to run into any more strippers. Though he had to take a double glance at the far corner where he think he saw a Quarian stripper, enviro-suit and all.

"Aria isn't interested in seeing you."

Garrus' attention shifted to the bodyguard standing before him. He crossed his arms and did the closest thing a Turian could do to smirk. "Tell Aria a friend of Commander Shepard is here."

The bodyguard frowned for a moment before he finally disappeared up the stairs. A moment later he returned and nodded his head toward the lounge.

Aria sat in her usual couch, her legs crossed and the frown that had to be permanently sewn onto her face. She motioned for Garrus to take a seat.

"So, what does a friend of Commander Shepard want? You here to finally drag her back to the Citadel?"

Garrus frowned. "Shepard's here?"

Aria's frown looked to have gotten worse, and her eyes narrowed into irritated slits. "If you're not here to take her, then why are you here."

Garrus found himself dumbfounded. "I'm tracking a convict, his trail led me here." He shook his head. That wasn't important. Shepard was here! "Where's Shepard?"

The Asari pointed behind her with her thumb to the dancing crowd. "Your precious Spectre did some mercenary work here, until people were starting to recognize her."

Garrus stalked to the large window and hastily scanned the dance floor, searching for Shepard's face among the hundreds. It was no good, he couldn't see their faces from this high angle.

Aria chuckled. "She spent a lot of her time here. She doesn't look it, but damn can she seduce, though I regret melding with her. She has one messed up head."

"Where is she!" Garrus demanded. Everything was happening so fast and unexpected. He never expected to run into Shepard at a place like this. The people that habited places like this, the crowd, the alcohol, the drugs, it all could eventually consume even the strongest willed person.

Aria rolled her eyes. "She quit the mercenary career. She spent so much time here and knew how to attract people to her, so I hired her."

Garrus' mandibles twitched. "Where can I find her then?"

"I don't know. She's a stripper so she can be anywhere." Another smile formed on blue skin. "But she's the only human stripper in my club. That should narrow down your search."

Garrus felt a chill run down his back. The stripper he ran into when he arrived. She was Shepard.

101010101