Hi hi! Well, I know it's still a few hours to go before the tenth, but I figure...it's already the tenth in Japan, and there's never harm in celebrating early and all those kinds of excuses! :D So I'm posting my Birthday Fic for Naruto now! Happy Birthday Naruto-chan! :D (I don't even know how old he is XD)
As for this fic...literally, once I finished it I was like 'WTF IS THIS I DON'T EVEN ASKHGDFJG!'
Seriously...prepare for crack, ultimate randomess, OOC-ness of the humorous(And creepy) kind and all around...yeah, this little one-shot CANNOT be taken seriously. XD Seriously!
So anyway...Here it is! The third most cracky story I got (the first being A Very Merry Christmas and the second being Oh Teh Joy).
I rather enjoy these...I think I'll write more in future! :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NARUTO! (Who I sadly, do not own)
"T-today...is a very special day!" Hinata announced, her voice much louder than usual.
Her teammates paused in their lunch and turned to face her. Kiba lifted a brow in question while Shino stared at her blankly. Hinata blushed under the scrutiny, but she strengthened her will-and her legs, the damn wobbly things- and spoke again.
"Today i-is very, v-very important!" she declared again before placing her hands on her hips and staring defiantly at the two before her, as if daring them to deny the statement.
For a long while no one spoke, and a bird squawked in the distance as it flapped over head.
Hinata took another breath. "Today is an i-important-"
"YES!" Kiba interrupted, making the girl flail in surprise. "Today is an important day. We get it. Why is it important?" he asked, before taking a large bite of his sandwich. His cheeks puffed out at the action and then started to bounce up and down as he chewed. Shino sent him a disgusted look that was hidden behind his glasses and collar.
"W-well, today is the t-tenth!" Hinata said, pushing her fingers together. Kiba continued to stare at her and chew slowly while Shino just sat there...and sat there.
"Oh c-come on! It's the t-tenth of October!" Hinata cried softly, waving her hands about like a jellyfish waves its tentacles. "It's N-Naruto-kun's birthday!"
Kiba finally swallowed his massive bite of food, his face clearing up in surprise. "Oh yeah! I forgot...I'll go wish him happy birthday when I see him—"
"NO!" Hinata shrieked, falling to her knees and clutching Kiba's jacket. The brunet choked on his own spit in surprise and ended up coughing some out and onto Hinata's face. The girl either didn't notice or didn't care. "W-we have to g-give him the b-best present e-ever!" she insisted, shaking him slightly.
Kiba frowned nervously and reached his hand up to try and wipe away the gobs of saliva on her face. "H-Hinata—"
"Don't t-try to seduce me o-out of it Kiba-kun! I've m-made up m-my mind!" Hinata snapped, smacking his hand away and standing tall. A bit of spittle slid down her cheek before she turned around, digging for something in her rucksack. "We'll g-go give him the b-best birthday g-gift ever!"
Kiba gulped nervously and turned to Shino when he heard him sigh.
"Remember when she was so quiet and cute?" the bug-user asked quietly. Kiba nodded before shrugging.
"Hey, they say the quiet ones are the most dangerous ones. We should be thankful she hasn't pulled out a meat cleaver yet," he said.
"Okay l-let's go!" Hinata said, turning around and brandishing a large meat cleaver.
Kiba screamed like a girl and hid behind Shino, who just sat there...and sat there.
Sasuke walked through the streets of the small ocean-side village, avoiding the people milling around and keeping his hood low. He had left Karin, Juugo and Suigetsu at the hotel, sick and tired of listening to Suigetsu's bad jokes, dealing with Juugo's mood swings and trying to pretend he couldn't see Karin belly-dancing in a bikini on his lap. But it was hard...Juugo was so clingy, he just couldn't ignore him like he wanted to!
He stopped at a food stall, intent on getting something to eat since he was hungry. Suigetsu had eaten the last rice ball and Sasuke was still plotting revenge for that. He was currently contemplating a way to put Karin's underwear in the man's energy drink. That would teach Suigetsu not to mess with him, and he would finally use the gift Karin had graciously-forcefully-given him that night he caught her hovering over his bed with a pair of handcuffs and a leather whip.
He still wasn't sure if he believed her story of 'she was arresting runaway bed-slaves' but who was he to question her?
Munching on his snacks, he walked towards a nice secluded park, intent on relaxing on a bench and maybe traumatizing one or two children. He just needed to pass the time until they were going to leave again.
The birds chirped merrily in the tree tops as he sat down, their chorused voices creating a symphony of nature that filled the air and small, furry critters started to approach him, their cute noses tweaking in excitement at having a visitor, and—
Sasuke farted and the birds scattered from the tree tops while the critters raced into the bushes to escape, leaving him in a blissful silence.
The Uchiha continued to munch his snacks. He found himself feeling so relaxed, and his guard was down. It was just so nice out here. He thought about the past, contemplating ways to find Itachi and throttle him with liquorice string and then feed him to his pet rat Jerry.
He also found himself thinking about Naruto, and with a jolt he remembered that it was the adorable blond's birthday today.
"Hn...Maybe I should send him a postcard?" he wondered. While Sasuke was a missing nin, and was an S-ranked criminal with multiple charges against him as well as several reports for public indecency-people just didn't know his outfit was stylish- he was not such a lowly jackass that he wouldn't send an old friend a post card on his birthday!
That was the kind of thing Itachi did! And that was the reason he was going to kill him!
'Oh yeah and he killed the Uchiha clan...there's that too,' he thought, before shrugging.
He was deciding on whether to write 'Wish you were somewhere I had recently been so you can't catch me but so you know I was at least there in spirit' or 'Ha ha, you're old now!' when he heard the stealthy footsteps behind him.
He spun around, fully prepared to offer a wallop to whoever dared to sneak up on him when he paused.
Hinata stared at him, her eyes wide. She flailed around before shoving her hands behind her back, the large fly swatter in her hands sticking out above her head.
Sasuke stared at her. "What are you doing here?" he asked.
Hinata stammered terribly for a moment, her eyes darting from side to side before she looked at him and smiled guiltily. "U-uh...D-duck hunting?" she whimpered.
Sasuke stared at her for a minute longer. "Hn. Have fun," he said turning away.
"GATSUUGA!"
Kiba and Akamaru zoomed out from the bushes on either side, heading straight for Sasuke. They collided with him but he simply shoved them aside and they slid along the ground, wincing in pain. Shino jumped out of a tree and sent a horde of bugs towards the Uchiha, who easily pulled out a big can of bug spray and easily took care of them all. He pulled his hand back, clearly displaying the label and giving a thumb up.
"Hn. For all your insect-eliminating needs!" he said and gave a cheesy smile before tossing the can away and dusting his hands off. "You two are stupid for thinking that such lowly attacks could defeat me—"
He was cut off when a gigantic fly swatter squished him to the ground. His legs twitched when it lifted up and Hinata squeaked before slamming it back down once, twice, ten times more. Then she carefully peeled it back and looked at the mangled looking boy beneath it.
"...I-I think he's unconscious!" she said delightedly.
Kiba stood up from his spot on the floor, pale faced and in pain. "Or dead...whichever one is more acceptable," he mumbled.
Shino was too busy stomping and burning the can of bug spray into oblivion to care about the other two.
"So what now?" Kiba asked, coming to stand beside his questionable sane teammate. Hinata looked down at Sasuke and smiled cheerfully.
"Now w-we undress him a-and put some r-ribbon over h-his man-bits!" she informed him.
Kiba's eyes were the size of saucers as he looked at her incredulously. In the background Shino kicked the burning can a few feet and laughed manically while shouting 'BURN! BUUUURN!' before chasing after it to resume his task. Then Kiba squeaked. "Excuse me?"
Hinata smiled at him. "W-Well a present h-has to be w-wrapped in r-ribbons!" she argued before moving towards the unconscious-and mangled- Uchiha and started to snip away his clothing. "K-Kiba-kun, come hold him u-up so I can c-cut his underwear!"
Kiba swallowed heavily before making a mental note to ask the Hokage for a team transfer once today was over.
Naruto yawned as he walked towards his apartment with a smile. He was coming back from Ichiraku's after Iruka, Kakashi and Yamato had treated him to ramen for his birthday. But if he was honest, he'd had more fun watching Kakashi try to molest Iruka, who then tried to kill Kakashi, and Yamato made a bet with him over who would end up destroying the first object.
Yamato won. He'd bet that Kakashi would destroy Iruka's pants and he was right. Naruto wasn't too far behind though. He'd bet Iruka would destroy Kakashi's penis. Judging by the screams of incomparable agony that Kakashi had been making when he first left, he knew he would've won the second round.
Sakura had been very nice and given him a brand new outfit. He liked the black t-shirt that had an Inner-Naruto sketch on it yelling 'Dattebayo' and vowed he would wear it sometime soon. He wasn't so sure about the pink hot pants that had 'Sakura's Bitch' emblazoned on the back though. He figured if he planned it right, he would be able to give them to Lee before Sakura could castrate him and put his balls on her mantle. Lord knows how much Lee would like those hot pants.
He'd actually gotten quite a few things this year, including a rare, carnivorous plant from Ino. Sadly, it tried to bite her when she handed it over, and so she proceeded to cut its head off with her over-sized garden shears. Naruto, being the sporting man he was, settled for a sunflower instead. He also received a postcard from the Akatsuki, with a large 'Wish You Were Here! (So we can suck out your soul and use it to destroy the world)' emblazoned in red on the black background. They were so sweet! Deidara, or whatever his name was, even included a fire-cracker! It blew up the post office though.
Neji had given him a Fortune-Telling Eight Ball. Naruto had given it one try and was amazed to see that it was correct. But then Neji snatched it back, screaming that it couldn't be right because Fate was not an Eight Ball and how dare it not work for him and-
Naruto eventually realized Neji was upset and decided to leave him alone.
He was walking up the stairs to his apartment when he saw Hinata waiting for him, Kiba and Shino standing nearby.
"Oh, hey guys!" he called, waving. Hinata beamed and waved back while Kiba made an odd gurgling noise and mechanically moved his arm. Naruto couldn't be sure, but he almost thought he could see Kiba's soul billowing out his mouth. Shino was just standing there...and standing there.
"H-Happy Birthday N-N-Naruto-kun!" Hinata cried. Naruto grinned happily and gave her a hug, making sure to hold onto her when she fainted, drooled on his sleeve and then woke up exactly thirty seconds after.
Yeah, they'd finally fallen into an okay routine.
"I h-hope you enjoy your p-present!" Hinata said, wiping at her mouth as she straightened up. Naruto's face brightened.
"You got me a present?" he asked and at Hinata's enthusiastic nod he cheered. He ignored the way Kiba went to sit in a ball in the corner at the mention of his present. It was probably just a weird dog-Kiba-...thing...
"Yes! M-Make sure you feed him t-three times a day t-though!" Hinata said seriously, and Naruto clapped his hands excitedly.
"Alright! It's a living present!" he whooped and Hinata smiled.
"W-well we'd best be going n-now," she said, moving to drag Kiba out of his corner. The brunet did nothing to stop her and so she simply held his ankle in one hand and let him slide along the concrete. She waved happily to Naruto, once more wishing him a happy birthday as she left.
Naruto waved back and turned only to come face to face with Shino. He blanched before staring back, wondering what the man wanted.
Shino slowly raised his arms and placed his hands on Naruto's shoulders. He leant in and the blond was starting to wonder if Shino had finally admitted to being a cannibal and was going to try to eat him.
"Don't forget to bath him every night," Shino hissed in his ear. "I don't want any of my fleas nesting in his unworthy head."
And then he was gone, crawling down the side of the wall like a spider.
Naruto shuddered.
He pushed open his door, excited to see what cute, cuddly critter Hinata and the others had gotten him for his birthday. It would be nice to have a pet!
"Hello? I'm your new owner, my little cuddly-wuddly-snuggly-poofy-bear-SASUKE?!" he yelped, eyes bulging at seeing none other than his defective best friend sitting on his bed, wrapped up in bright orange ribbon with a big bow on top of his head and a gag in his mouth. Indignant black eyes were staring at him pleadingly and Naruto rushed over, pulling the gag out.
"Good God, does that woman ever wash that thing?" Sasuke said, spitting onto the floor and trying to rid his mouth of the disgusting taste of the gag. Naruto blinked, looking at the gag carefully. He cried out and tossed it across the room when he saw it was actually a pair of Neji's underwear.
He decided not to tell Sasuke that. The raven would most likely hurl on his floor.
For a moment the two stared at each other, not quite sure what to say in this situation. Then Sasuke sniffed, his nose scrunching slightly. He leant forwards, the ribbons tightening around his body in response as he sniffed Naruto before pulling back. "Were you eating ramen?" he asked with a raised brow.
Naruto nodded. "Yeah. Ichiraku's," he said and Sasuke nodded, eyes shifting away.
"Oh. They're...good," he said lamely. Naruto nodded slowly.
"Yeah. They have good food," he agreed awkwardly. Sasuke nodded.
"And good service...very customer friendly," he added, eyes avoiding Naruto's.
Another heavily awkward silence engulfed them and they shuffled about. Well, Naruto shuffled his feet, Sasuke wriggled slightly on the bed, unable to move much due to the ribbons practically mummifying him.
"So, Sasuke—"
"I'm totally gay for you."
Naruto blinked. "What?"
Sasuke blinked back. "What what?"
"You said something."
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did."
"Hn. No. You're hearing things."
"B-but...I swear you just said 'I'm totally gay for you'," Naruto said, a blush covering his face. Sasuke perked up.
"You are? Awesome, me too. Let's start boinking."
"W-what? No!" Naruto sputtered, eyes bulging. He paused. "...Did you just call sex 'boinking'?" he asked incredulously.
Sasuke blinked back at him. "No."
Naruto glared. "Yes you did!" he snapped.
"No I didn't. Naruto, you need to listen to me very carefully," Sasuke snapped back. Naruto scowled but nodded. "Good, I need you to untie me. Make sure you start at my crotch. You might have to feel around a bit to make sure you find the right spot to start untying me. I'll let you know when you do. So start feeling," Sasuke ordered.
Naruto stared at him.
Sasuke stared back.
A baby cried in the distance.
"Are you high?" Naruto asked.
Sasuke tried to shrug. "It's a possibility. That stuttering twit gave me something to drink. It smelled like weed. It tasted like weed," Sasuke said thoughtfully. Naruto crossed his arms.
"It must've been weed," he concluded but Sasuke shook his head.
"No, I think it was crack. Definitely crack," he argued.
Naruto let his arms fall. Another silence descended.
Another baby cried.
"How many pregnant women are in this bloody village?" Sasuke asked irritably. Naruto shrugged before looking at Sasuke.
"So what now?"
"Untie me so I can beat you up, lean over you all gay-like, whisper some heart-crushing truth about how much I love you and then leave you behind to be miserable as I try to kill my insensitive brother and then betray you even more afterwards to prove just how unworthy I am to even be acknowledged by you," Sasuke explained nonchalantly.
Naruto nodded and bent down. "Hey wait a minute!" he scowled, straightening up. "You're just trying to get me to feel you up, aren't you?"
Sasuke blinked. "Out of everything I just said, that's what's getting you mad?" he asked.
Naruto shrugged. "I already read the script. I know about the rest," he said calmly. Sasuke nodded.
"Oh, okay...So, can you untie me and feel me up in the process now?"
Naruto sighed. "Fine. Just don't squeal when it starts to tickle," he ordered before bending down again to start his task. Sasuke scoffed.
"Oh please, I don't squeal-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"
The next day, Kiba got some vacation time and Sasuke and Naruto fought, destroyed a good part of the town and then parted ways after Sasuke whispered something mushy into Naruto's ear and ran away trailing sparkles and yelling "And next year I'm sending a postcard!"
The End.
...WTF WAS THIS I DON'T EVEN? ! ? !
...
yeah. See what I meant? :/
I hope you all enjoyed this and found it amusing! Reviews are, of course, loved, cuddled and used to keep me happy! :D