The Importance of Communication
By: Dragoon-sama
"Fuck!"
The expletive was heartfelt if quiet in the still air of the muted gray room. Karkat was rummaging frantically through the sparse furnishings, barefoot and shirtless as he searched. In an untouched corner of the room, a crumpled black heap of cloth that was the remains of his shirt sat wetly in a sticky, disgusting puddle, the victim of John's latest prank. Karkat did not under any circumstances want to know what the liquid that had poured down around his ears had been. All he knew was that it had been white, disgusting, and came from a bucket. The damn perverted alien idiot still thought that the scandalous item was a perfect tool for his japery, especially against the trolls.
Karkat had retreated as fast as his rage would allow, vowing that when he'd rid himself of the disgusting mess and scrapped his pride back together, he'd hunt down the human and destroy a copy of Con Air in front of him in the most violent and dramatic way he could think of. Even if he had to spend hours playing with the alchemiter to get the code, he'd find some way to wipe that insipid, infuriating, vilely happy grin off of Egbert's face.
Unfortunately for that glorious plan, it wasn't as easy as it seemed to execute. Karkat had managed to strip his shirt off without getting any of the goo on his pants, had unwisely kicked the shirt to its corner of shame and gotten the stuff all over his shoes (which had been stripped off as quickly), had sworn for five minutes straight at the stupidity of black-haired, glasses wearing morons, then had begun a search for a new set of clothes. Unfortunately his pile of cleanish clothes was missing. As was his pile of clothes so dirty they probably could stand on their own. In fact, aside from the sopping shirt that he absolutely refused to look at (really, what was that stuff? It had taken Karkat ten minutes of furious scrubbing to get the clinging goop out of his hair), there wasn't a scrap of clothing in the room.
Straightening and panting slightly from the thick emotion clogging his throat (It wasn't panic. He was okay with being shirtless. Everyone knew his blood color by now, so a stupid cut wouldn't mean his death. He was just…cold), Karkat ran a clawed hand through his hair in frustration. It was an unwritten rule that no one invaded anyone else's private chambers, but he was damn sure he hadn't misplaced every single outfit he owned. He eyed his sylladex for a moment, wracking his brain as he tried to remember if he'd shoved some extra clothes in there. Even if he had, he admitted with a growl, it wouldn't do him much good as he still had that stupid hacker module installed.
It was possible this was an extension of John's prank, though it seemed less Egbert's style and more that bastard Strider's to force Karkat to walk around half naked. John was still firm in his not-a-homosexual idiocy, even as he spent half his time hanging off of everyone and anyone. He even hugged Eridan, and Karkat had been torn between laughing hysterically and killing something at the look of shocked hope on the fish-faced moron's face. The human had turned down all of Eridan's advances with his stupid laugh and blunt manner, though Karkat was enjoying trying to guess who'd snap first; Eridan from John's tactless refusals and mixed messages, or John from Eridan's deplorable and annoying advances.
With a shake of his head to get his mind back on the matter at hand, Karkat crossed his arms self-consciously over his chest. He didn't really think it had been Strider either, to take his clothes. Karkat had chosen a room as far from everyone as he could, and hadn't advertised his possession of it either. It wasn't like he spent much time in it, after all, too busy chasing after all of the fuckasses and trying to keep them from killing each other again. Almost no one knew which room was his. No one, except…
Lunging for his laptop, Karkat began pounding angrily at the keys as he opened up Trollian.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
CG: I AM ONLY GOING TO ASK THIS ONCE POLITELY. ONCE.
CG: WHAT THE FLYING FUCKING HELL DID YOU DO WITH MY GODDAM CLOTHES?
CG: SEE HOW REASONABLE I AM BEING? I DIDN'T EVEN PUT ONE DEATH THREAT IN. NOT EVEN A SINGLE EXCLAMATION POINT.
CG: YOU HAD BETTER BE THERE KANAYA.
GA: I See You Have Returned To Your Respiteblock Earlier Than I Anticipated
GA: And Your Politeness Is Appreciated
GA: That Was Sarcasm If You Did Not Notice
CG: YES. YES I FUCKING NOTICED. ARE YOU HAPPY? DID ALL THE BLOOD RUSH TO YOUR NON-FUNCTIONAL BLOOD PUSHER AND MAKE IT SWELL ENOUGH TO BURST WITH BILE SPEWING JOY? WHY IN ALL THE SHIT-FILLED HELLS DID YOU TAKE MY CLOTHES?
CG: …YOU HAD BETTER NOT BE "IMPROVING" THEM, MARYAM.
GA: While The Thought Of You Wearing Decent Clothes For Once Does Hold A Certain Appeal I Would Not Do That Without Your Permission Karkat
GA: I Am Merely Cleaning Them
GA: You Let Them Get In Quite A State And It Was Becoming Offensive To My Eyes
CG: OFFENSIVE TO YOUR EYES. OH MY GOD, DO YOU KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THAT SOUNDS? I CAN FEEL MY THINK PAN LEAKING OUT MY NOSE CARTILAGE IN A FAUCET OF UNENDING STUPIDITY.
CG: FUCK. I'M SORRY.
CG: I JUST REALLY NEED A SHIRT RIGHT NOW.
GA: I Am Truly Sorry Karkat But It Will Be A Few Hours Before They Are Ready
GA: There Is No Drying Device And Some Of These Stains Are Very Hard To Scrub Out By Hand
CG: GOD, CAN'T YOU JUST…GUESS AT THE CODE ON THE ALCHEMITER?
GA: It Would Take Much Longer To Find The Right Code Than To Perform The Chore By Hand
GA: If It Bothers You So Much Why Dont You Ask Sollux To Provide The Correct Code
CG: FUCK NO! ALL I NEED IS FOR THAT BULGELICKER TO WHINE ABOUT HOW SUCH THINGS ARE WASTING HIS SKILLS.
CG: AS IF THERE WAS ANYTHING ELSE IMPORTANT HE WAS DOING RIGHT NOW ANYWAY.
GA: I Am Sure He Would Be Willing To Help With Your Current Problem At Least
GA: I Must Go Now As These Clothes Will Not Wash Themselves
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling carcioGeneticist [CG]
CG: WAIT WHAT THE HELL.
CG: I AM NOT GOING TO ASK THOLLUX FOR HELP.
CG: …FUCK.
carcioGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
After that decidedly unhelpful conversation, Karkat had to resist mightily the urge concuss himself into a stupor. He hated being stuck in his block, but there was no way he was going to go skipping around the place without a shirt on. Not that he skipped normally. The point was that he needed to be out there where the hopeless mess of his friends was probably already screwing things up one side and down the other without him. There would be no screwing at all while he was there to stop it!
Karkat scrubbed his hands harshly through his hair as he tried in vain to rid himself of his unhelpful thoughts. They were not helping with his predicament at all. Okay, he could handle a minor problem like this. That was what leaders did, handle problems.
Problem; he had no shirt. No fucking shit.
Solution; get a shirt. He'd already been over this. Kanaya had them all, and wouldn't be done with them for hours.
Solution; borrow a shirt. No, no, no way in hell was Karkat going to walk around in someone else's sign.
Solution; create a new shirt. He had no clue what the code was. Sollux could help, except that Karkat wasn't quite ready to swallow his pride to ask. Still, it was rapidly becoming the only option he could see at this point.
A 'ping' noise made his head snap up from where he'd been glaring holes into the floor. On his husktop, bright blue text was scrolling swiftly by. Narrowing his eyes, Karkat pulled the machine closer so he could respond.
ectoBiologist [EB] began Pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
EB: okay i know you are probably really annoyed right now.
EB: and you know that's okay! because it was kind of rude of me to dump oobleck all over you.
EB: it should have been green you know, but i didn't have time to get any food coloring! that would have made it awesome, let me tell you!
EB: um, but you don't really want to hear about that do you? heheheh, sorry karkat.
EB: look i will even let you yell at me about my masterful prank for as long as you want, and i won't even laugh once at how funny your face gets! just could you please come back, like right now?
CG: EGBERT.
EB: oh! you are there, great! like i was saying, you reeeeeeeeally need to get over here.
CG: YOU KNOW, I SOMETIMES WONDER WHAT I DID IN A PAST LIFE THAT WAS SO TERRIBLE TO INFLICT YOUR PRESENCE ON ME. IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE MOST HEINOUS OF CRIMES, LIKE SLAUGHTERING A DOZEN WRIGGLERS AND RAPING THEIR DECAPTIATED HEADS.
CG: OH WAIT, MY MISTAKE, THAT'S JUST GAMZEE.
EB: gross karkat! but, uh, accurate.
CG: SO IMAGINE HOW UNIMAGINABLE WHAT I DID WAS.
EB: that's kind of impossible!
CG: SHUT UP. IMAGINE IT, BECAUSE I AM GOING TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING MUCH WORSE TO DO TO YOU NEXT TIME I SEE YOU.
EB: that is a pretty scary threat!
CG: YOU'RE LAUGHING, AREN'T YOU? GOD DAMNIT EGBERT, I SERIOUSLY WANT TO THROTTLE YOU.
EB: noooooooo, i'm absolutely not laughing right now! seriously, your unimaginable threats aside, i can't really laugh since i'm sort of hiding behind a barricade of tables!
CG: WHAT.
CG: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
EB: all joking aside, i didn't know that your guy's horns were that sensitive.
CG: OH MY GOD. EGBERT, WHAT DID YOU DO?
EB: totally not my fault dude. gamzee just kinda tripped, and maybe got his horns caught in sollux's. they were like pulling really hard to get away at first, only now it's all sparky in here and they're kind trying to ram heads or something! and gamzee's got this look in his eyes that is kind of freaky!
EB: karkat?
EB: are you there? because it would really be cool if you'd answer.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle chum!
EB: i hope that means you're on your way.
In fact, Karkat was nearly all the way back to the computer lab. That was the only place Sollux would be, so it was a safe bet that that was where the idiocy was going down. Bare feet made Karkat stumble as he pelted around the last corner. Ahead of him, the open doorway was emitting the blue and red flashes of Sollux's psionics. If the moron fried his own computer system, Karkat would be hearing the bitching in his sleep.
Inside was much as John had described. Along the side of one wall was a pile of overturned tables, John's head just poking over the edge as he observed the pair interlocked in the center of the room. Sollux and Gamzee were face to face, teeth bared and low growls clicking in their throats. The twist of Gamzee's horns had managed to wedge themselves between Sollux's double pair, so that no matter how hard they pulled at each other if just locked them harder together.
Karkat didn't stop his headlong charge, merely barreled into the other two trolls. He seized one of Gamzee's long horns, dug his other hand into Sollux's mess of hair, and with a practiced shove and twist separated them with only a minimum of horn scraping. He ignored the indignant howls from them, sucking in a deep breath as his anger peaked.
"YOU GRUBFISTING BLOCKHEADS!" he snarled, shoving Sollux and Gamzee in opposite directions with the hold he had on them. They staggered backwards, and luckily seemed to be stunned enough not immediately resume their standoff. That didn't stop Karkat from flailing madly at them as he ranted. "Why don't you stop acting like the barely pupated wigglers you are and use those wastes of gray matter in between your ears? How the fuck did you manage to get survive this long without getting your head stuck in the food waste disposal unit? No wait, obviously you never learned what any troll over the age of two could figure out for themselves. It's not like you didn't grow up with your ridiculous set of horns, after all! They must be so fucking unfamiliar if that's all it takes to lock you up! Watch out, here come the culling drones, except you can't run since you numbwits can only be expected to ram your heads into the nearest wall as if you were a rambeast!"
Pausing for breath, Karkat panted lightly as he glared from one troll to the other. Sollux's eyebrows had met his hairline, his freaky dual colored eyes focused unwaveringly on Karkat. The red that had been creeping into Gamzee's eyes was fading, a wide, lazy smile spreading moronically across the painted face even as Karkat fumed. Across the room, Karkat could heard stifled snickering that sounded like it was coming from Strider, though the wide grin on Egbert's visible face didn't endear him to Karkat at all.
"Well?" Karkat demanded. "Are you two fuckups going to tell me why you couldn't even untangle yourselves like proper trolls, or are you going to keep staring at me with cowbeast eyes?" He crossed his arms over his chest to emphasize his glare, and only then remembered his state of undress. The gesture quickly became less threatening and much more 'oh god where's my shirt'.
"I be thinkin' that I like all the starin' I can do," Gamzee drawled, letting his gaze drag slowly up and down Karkat's half-clothed form. Karkat suppressed the shiver at the close scrutiny and kicked at the clown's shins to make him stop.
Sollux snickered as he stepped forward, Karkat whirling to face him. Karkat was forced to step back to try to regain his personal space when the psionic didn't stop his advance. Unfortunately there wasn't any room behind him, since Gamzee didn't seem inclined to move.
"Get your heads out of your nooks and stop looking at me like that!" Karkat snarled, shoving at Sollux's shirt to try to get him to back off. He bumped into Gamzee behind him, who immediately took the opportunity to slip his arm around Karkat's waist and haul him up and over his shoulder. Karkat's snarls turned to howls as he began kicking and struggling for freedom. "NO you shit-eating, lusus-humping, piles of hoofbeast shit! Go get your bulge gets caught in a gearbox! I will shove your horns so far up your ass that they shoot out your eyes! LET ME GO!"
"Come on, kk. We need to find thomewhere you can lecture uth privately," Sollux said with a smirk. Gamzee turned to walk out of the room with his protesting passenger, Sollux following close enough to prevent Karkat from clinging to the doorframe in a last ditch attempt to prevent their exit.
"EGBERT I SWEAR I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS!" was Karkat's last impotent lament, before the trio retreated out of earshot.
After a moment, the room filled with a soft burble of laughter, that swiftly turned into a helpless storm of snorts and howls of mirth as John keeled over back behind his barricade of tables. Beside him, Dave's shoulders shook as he shared in the humor of the moment.
"Okay," John said breathlessly as he gasped for air between laughs. "Maybe that went a bit farther than I meant, but that just means I am the pranking master!"
Dave reached over to pat John's face congenially, ignoring John's sputters as his glasses were knocked askew. "Better get your affairs in order, pack up the house and cover the furniture with dust cloths, write up your last will and testimony. You'd better leave me your movie collection, otherwise we're not best bros."
"What would you even do with them?"
"Ebay."
Kanaya was just folding the last of the now-dry laundry when she heard the vicious stamping coming down the corridor. Well, she had expected him to come storming in earlier. She'd even set aside a marginally clean outfit for that eventuality, out of mild guilt at putting Karkat into an uncomfortable situation. But Karkat hadn't shown up until she'd finished, which showed an admirable amount of restraint on the normally impatient troll's part.
Seeing him come into the room in a pair of overly large spotted pants, an equally large shirt hanging off one shoulder, and an armful of yellow and purple signed clothes, Kanaya revised her opinion. Restraint had nothing to do with it. Or possibly everything, but she was determinedly not thinking along those lines. Karkat dumped the clothes into a pile, revealing the yellow symbol emblazoned on the shirt he was wearing.
"Burn this. All of it," he snarled, kicking a stray shirt into the pile.
"I'm not certain they would appreciate the destruction of their entire wardrobes," Kanaya said mildly.
"Good."
A/N: This is "floating nowhere in canon" fic writing at its best. It was begun long ago, and I just threw together a finish for it because I wanted to. OT3s are dorks. Enjoy!