Ed Edd n Eddy Noir

by Random Author of 98

(ALTERNATE UNIVERSE) When all of the kids of the Cul-de-Sac have began to depart on their own careers for the rest of their lives, Detective Ed is busy handling all sorts of crimes within the city, but despite not being smart, he still had to solve it one way or another.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything, simple as that.

AUTHOR NOTES: Ed Edd n Eddy was always a part of my favorite shows for inspirations, so in return, i have thought different Alternate Universes for the Eds and this is one of them.

Also while you reading, try to play some NOIR music in the background to get that ambiance.

CASE FILES #1- All quiet at the city of wrongs

What's worse than walking down the rainy wet sidewalks within the city of Peach Creek…anything could be worse than this hell-hole, you know?

Name's Ed, and i used to be the dumbest kid back then while being the toughest one at the same time, despite being born a dumb ass.

Born and grew up in a cul-de-sac neighborhood together with my two best pals, somehow graduated High school, get to enroll in the police academy, getting praised for my works on the streets, then i had to pass the test for my possible promotion and let's just say it wasn't my best attempt at succeeding on this types of exams.

But by blind luck, the test that i have taken had just received a decent passing score and i was now promoted into an official Detective...

So what can i say about solving a pile of unsolved crime cases all day...it was not a pleasant sight for a guy like me.

Every. single. time that i went out to solve my chosen case, the clues and details of what happened in the reports still haunted me when i go to sleep.

The scenes of the crimes...the witnesses...the guilty suspects who confessed...and the victim's friends and families last words of goodbies...i could go on and on.

So today was my weekends and i get to have some time-off every week, and so i decided to take a walk throughout the city of Peach Creek.

But due to me learning the basics of being a detective and getting the hang of it, i can almost decipher on any possible future scene of the crime.

For example, see that beautiful brunette woman walking down the other side of the street that I am walking on right now, she has a dream that is soon about to be blown away by that guy standing by his fancy car…the good and expensive type…and the way he wore his hat is just the signs of him being in the business of easy money, the crime life, the path that almost everyone at my home have taken up to achieve a career that would soon leave them dead by the cops or by the mob's gangsters.

I could have distract that woman by my classic idiocy before that guy could have taken the chance to talk to her like a prince from those fairy tales books, but god has an interesting way of placing convenient miracles around me.

Since some guy just taken the chance to punch that guy out of the way and then he greeted himself to that woman like a formal gentlemen like one of my friends, but the real threat is not that guy wearing his hat in a funny way.

It's that woman…some women are known to be sly and manipulative when they are skilled enough…gosh, i am gonna feel sorry for that wannabe hero who began walk together with the woman he saved.

My god, the rain seems heavy this night and the only thing protecting my head from the incoming water is my fedora and my trenchcoat to protect me from the damn cold, better get to one of the nearby bars and wait the rain out.

Luckily I found one, the bars name is 'Broadway Gust' and judging by the amount of occupant inside…not very lively, the fewer the people the better, so I get in quickly like the time I was late for school and had to dash for my classroom before the teacher could arrive at our homeroom…those days were not worth mentioning except during the times when I was with my close buddies.

So finding myself a dry vacant stool just by the counter, I made myself comfortable, and then the bartender had come to the scene, judging by his looks and his grey sidelines, he seems a very decent type of guy who would hand out the drinks to any sorry saps who had a gloomy day and blood inside their veins.

BARTENDER: "What would you have for tonight, pal?"

He spoke with a southern accent, you know…the enthusiastic friendly one in the family.

It kinds of reminded me of Johnny back in the day when he was such an imaginary strange kid among us 'special' Joes in the neighborhood, last thing I heard from him is that he is making a career by helping Eddy make some cash in the black market without their asses getting torn apart by any nearby merchants with certain connections to some crime families or other syndicates.

Oh yeah, the bartender is waiting for my call of tastes of drinks…since I am off-duty right now, I might get something that can ease this tingling sensation in my nerves ever since I left the office hours ago in this rainy forsaken city.

ED: "Get me something…something that calms my blues and nerves."

And what do I get, I got a glass of Montana beer in my hands, how classy for a scrubby guy like me, guess I am not as cool as James bane the hero cop after all.

So I took my fedora off to let my shaggy short orange ginger hair flow freely with no care and took a sip by my martini, which tastes like someone decided to take a piss in it…almost.

BARTENDER: "So...did you heard about the shootout at the red avenue streets?"

ED: (Takes a sip from his beer) "...What about it?"

BARTENDER: "Heard from the news that a rival gang war between the Red Rose family and the Charity syndicate have broken out and get this, a reported group of corrupted police officers gets caught between the crossfire."

ED: "Let me guess, they didn't last long?"

BARTENDER: "Damn right you are, they tried to take the credit by taking down both crime families at the same time, but we all know that you don't piss off both Families, what a bunch of unlucky idiots."

ED: "Yeah...good riddance."

The Red Rose family are very well known and highly respected within this part of the city, originally a branch of the Yakuza from japan and formerly supported by the Triads from china, but they cut ties with both syndicates and they moved right here in America and right here is where they build up one of the most feared and respected mob family in the entire state.

While the Charity syndicate...hope that i never meet them in any duties at all.

Reports about them stated that they are mix of Anarchists, Militants, Robbers, Cultists, Drop-outs, Drugs and Weapons dealers, and other illegal professions.

Heard from my co-workers that they are striking all kinds of operations across the city, but they kept getting busted before they gain even more profits and members.

ED: "Thanks for the beer though, also keep the change."

BARTENDER: "Anytime, stranger."

So I finished my drink, pay the guy with a decent cash amount from me, and made my way back outside into the raining streets of Peach Creek, where am I going after all of these events?

The Docks...that is the first thing that pops up in my mind, but I guess I could find something there to stare about…like the seas and beach, the ships passing by, or maybe hopefully a unconfident and unlucky stray murdered body that might accidentally float into the shores and that could be the end of my big break...well, maybe not yet.

So there I was, standing by the wooden dock and looking at my home city's shining apartment lights as the rain were brushing against me until the rain started to lighten up until it began to drip slowly, after helping my self sat at a nearby cargo dock crate and enjoyed the atmosphere and taking out a free cigarette out of my pocket and lit it up.

While i was taking a quick smoke, I didn't noticed a woman wearing a slim trenchcoat and holding a fancy umbrella while wearing a transparent black veil that covered her face was approaching from my side.

So I take a look at her and saw that her hair is...blue...dark blue, well damn my life, why it had to be her out of all the entire women in the city?

Don't get me wrong, Miss Marie here is a decent woman in her twenties after all, unlike our teenage days years ago where she and her other two sisters are complete rebellious, clingy, trouble making, yet she's still a beautiful, pretty, and decent gal once you get to know them, and almost ran away from the law everytime they screw something up.

But those are years in our past, we can't visit them again and we can only remember them in our heads.

So today we all have gone off with our own chosen careers.

Me being enrolled at the PCPD and being promoted to Field Detective.

Eddward is now a school professor at the Peach Creek Scientific and Astrology Academy.

Eddy and Johnny are...like I said before…full-time black merchants in the corners of the streets.

Nazz is now privilege dashing great doctor in one of the busiest but finest hospitals around here.

Kevin is in the Army and won't come back unless he was ordered to or does something hot-headed and got himself decommissioned.

Rolf is now running his restaurant that uses his homemade vegetables and meat from his family's farm...still has the foreign character within him.

While my younh sister Sarah is still in school together with her innocent boyfriend Jimmy, who are both dreaming of running a Fashion empire.

Sadly, I have no clue about Lee and May…but I heard they seem to be working at a club around here.

But now that I am a freelancing investigator after all in the PCPD; an officer's got some standards and duties to follow, so maybe Marie won't be a bagful of despairs as always in the past, and that is saying something from a guy like me.

Speaking of someone like me…she stops by my side and lifts her face veil up to reveal her seductive eyes and mascara and her…dark lipstick.

MARIE: "Ed, I got a crisis and it's very important for the both of us, even though we may not like each other at all."

After spitting out my cigarette out of my mouth and into the cold water, I stood up and went up to her with hands in my pockets.

ED: "What is it, Marie? If this is the time about-"

MARIE: "It's about May, Ed."

Well, that struck me in the neck, May kanker…one lovable girl among the kanker sisters…heard she was helping my sister Sarah and her associate Jimmy into the fashion business, I have been getting some news that her main source of income is somewhat shady and unknown.

ED: "Anything bad happened to her?"

A simple question I asked, she has the face of a worried sister right now, so I better try to ease the tension right now if I want to get some answers straight out from her mouth.

MARIE: "How do I say this? Do you mind if I try to be honest with you, Ed."

ED: "Being honest…that's new even for you, Marie, so try me."

MARIE: "Not the time to explain it all, but ever since Lee suggested May to make some cash at that place, she keeps coming home with bruises on her face and scars on her body and dry tears in her eyes and yet she still manages to grab some cash. When I decided to take a look at the club called 'Damsel Lust' where she supposedly works at, I saw that her fucking boss is not showing May some damn break and yet I see fucking lazy-ass cops watching the entire scene…and then…I saw them stripping her down and…having their own sick ways to make fun of her while throwing some cash at her broken body…a-a-and-"

I heard enough of it, so I pat her on the shoulder before she started to wet her own mascaras with her tears of sadness and trauma and walk pass her without even looking back…looks like my big break is over for now.

MARIE: "Where are you going, Ed?"

ED: "The place is called Damsel Lust right?"

MARIE: "…Yeah…wait, are you gonna take the job?"

ED: "Yes…now do me a favor and go home, while I take care of the garbage you just told me about."

While I was walking away from Marie Kanker, I looked back at her and saw her dripping tears out of her eyes and messing her mascara up, I better let the poor woman cry her remorse out while I decided to take actions as a decent vigilant cop of my hometown.

-SCENE BREAK—

(53th Avenue, Damsels Lust)

It's getting late, sunrise will arrive in a few hours, and I better make my move while I still have the element of surprise outside the Damsels Lust, by parking my car into a dark alleyway that can provide a quick get away.

Opening my glove compartment, there lays my trusty customized standard PCPD pistol and a couple mags besides it, knowing that a situation like this can suddenly get out of hand when I am about to get May out of this damn place, I grabbed everything in the compartment and put it all inside my trench coat.

Next on my list is the pocket knife that I once took it off from a troublemaker weeks ago, so I grabbed it out of the car's hidden ceiling pocket and added it into my coat, who knows…just in case I want to get personal.

Grabbing everything I need, I then got out of the car and realized that the night is slowly starting to drop some rain drizzles above, so fedora up on my head and hands down by my sides, now it's time to check the insides of the Damsels Lust.

Hope May is still breathing...

(TO BE CONTINUED)

(AUTHOR NOTES)

+Still going ahead to post another story, so more chapters are coming soon.