Not broken just bent
A/N: Well hello everyone to the very first fan fiction I am posting. Please note that I am a very inexperienced writer and always looking for a review or a Beta... If ur interested just pm me and we'll be sure to work something out. So anyways read on and thank you for visiting. Please pay attention to the A/N at the bottom though, it is rather important.
Prologue
It was 2 am. Tony was alone, sitting in the empty bullpen of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service or for short NCIS, looking absent-mindedly at the desk across from him. No one was there, well that much seems obvious as he is in an office in the early morning hours. Now what would make an hardened NCIS Senior Field Agent like Anthony "Tony" DiNozzo sitting there with that lost look on his face. The reason brings us back to the desk across from him, his partner's desk, the very same partner that will leave in approximately three hours from DC's airport in order to go back to Israel, where he will have to go too.
Although a month later, that much time Vance could deal out with the director of Mossad Eli David, to be questioned – more like interrogated – by the very same person about the death of Michael Rivkin, Mossad agent and boyfriend of the source for the look of lost on the very specials agent face. Although if you were looking more intently at his eyes – the windows to the soul – you would notice that there was a lot more emotion nagging at him, than the loss of his partner Ziva David, there was sorrow, guilt and also signs of a slowly breaking heart.
Is Ziva David dead would be the logical conclusion ? No with that he could live, there was nothing he could have done otherwise, that would have been the absolute, what happened to her was worse for a large margin. She wasn't injured, well that isn't entirely correct, she was after all hurt, but not physical – these wounds are accompanied by pain but heal fast – she was hurt emotionally and the worst of it ? He was the one who did it. Yes he killed Michael Rivkin – an act of self-defence – that much he was willing to admit, but the emotions in his eyes weren't from the fact that he killed, killing is and probably will ever be part of his job. No the emotions came from somewhere much worse. He had hurt his partner, the ever beautiful, smart, charismatic Ziva David a woman he had come to admire, to like and maybe even lo... Wait could he even say that anymore, could he even say that after what he had done to her ? No he didn't deserve the feeling anymore, in fact he didn't even deserve being near her, being the source of her laughter, the one who dried her tears when she was crying – not that she would cry much – she was a Mossad agent after all. But these things he wanted to do to her, now would never become reality, not after what he had done and what she had said.
Yes he cared for her still, yes he would still protect her and that all even though she wouldn't want that anymore. A tear slowly slipped by his tightly closed eyelids, sliding down his cheek before it was furiously wiped away. No he wouldn't let himself be played like that, no he wouldn't be weak like that again, he wouldn't let his emotions seize control of him again like that, he was already hurt too much he should have known better. It had felt right, it had felt good as he lo... no she didn't want that anymore from him – that much she had made clear with these words she said and the look she gave him – and he would respect her wishes, despite the pain her words caused. He would never give up on her, he will protect himself and her, but for that he would have to become what he was and swore to never become again. He will let go of these emotions – no he will lock them away they were still precious reminders after all, bitter-sweet reminders of what he thought he could have, but couldn't. Fate won't allow it, will it ?
A look of steely determination crossed his features, as he thought these thoughts, slowly standing up taking of his badge and SIG and laying them on Gibbs desk. A note attached saying that he needs a break and promising to meet them in Israel, knowing his boss would understand. Now he will go back to his apartment and train, he had become lenient after all in his time in NCIS. While Tony slowly makes his way to his car and gets in, he thought about all the events that lead to him slowly becoming what he despised about himself and what he thought he'd never have to become again.
Flashback:
Tony had just finished another Date with his absolutely wonderful partner. This was the tenth they had gone to. It was a rather fun thing, it had all begun on a normal work day in the bullpen. It was one of these really slow days, they had barely survived an entire day of cold cases when they could finally leave.
"Another day conquered my fellow co-workers",he proudly announced in a bad imitation of Jack Sparrow "how about we celebrate our epic win over the kingdom of boredom with a few glasses of finely selected beverage ?"
"Count me out, Tony",McGee replied tiredly "I just want to go to bed I am gonna have a headache tomorrow anyway. Don't need the alcohol making it even worse.."
"Hmm ok McMigraine" Tony teased not really caring, "What about you Ziva ? Come on don't leave me hanging, I am buying ?, he added fast, seeing the doubtful look on her face, putting on his best puppy dog imitation.
"Ah well why not, just quit looking like that, it's creeping me out." '… altough it is quite cute' she added as an afterthought noticing the hopeful look he sent her. She also hadn't really made relations with anyone in the team on a more personal note. Yes she knew roughly how each of them though and could read them quite well but she didn't really think of them as friends she could trust and depend on. Her father always said that one couldn't have enough friends – and even if she didn't really think the had the same definition of the word – she found it to be true and helpful.
Glad that his DiNozzo charme worked and that he didn't have to fear of another night filled with nightmares of his past, he walked to the elevator, noticing with a chuckle that his company was definitely much easier to the eye than usually. Completely unaware of this the aforementioned companion had similar thoughts, also wanting to taste the sweet buzz of alcohol hoping that the shadows from her past will leave her alone in order to get a good night of sleep, duly noting that her handsome and charming partner was doing rather good in distracting her from these horrible reminders of her past as more active Mossad agent.
Arriving in a small yet comfortable bar, the kind of establishment who are small, cosy and make you fell really homely, she had to compliment Tony. He had a great taste of at least choosing bars, classy suits, cologne … 'Get your thoughts under control David' she mentally berated herself, involuntarily blushing a bit.
Tony the ever observant very special senior field agent, waited after ordering for himself and the beautiful lady by his side, giving her a moment to snap out of her mental reverie. Silently enjoying the chance for his eyes to do some roaming as well. He couldn't keep a slight dusting of pink off his cheeks as he for the first time noticed just how lithe, gentle, but at the same time deadly that body of hers was and that wasn't even the best yet. No topping of that absolutely gorgeous bordering divine body of hers was a face that at least equalled her body in beauty, he just couldn't believe he hadn't noticed just how much her light olive skin tone complimented and perfected her features. The most entrancing of these were her deep-hazel eyes in which he could just lose himself.
His master had once said that the eyes were the windows to the soul, never completely able to suppress the tightly guarded secrets of the mind, proving that on more than one occasion when he would read Tony's worries, fear, hopes … almost his complete being by just glancing at him and then help sooth the fears, washing away the worries and reassure his hopes for a brighter future. Tony never once managed to do the same feat during his time under him but as he looked at Ziva's eyes more closely he saw completely through that though Mossad facade she put on daily and saw what he would have never expected – nor wanted to see on this angelic woman. The hurt and distrust were almost overwhelming, but the desire to protect was just as prominent. He also couldn't help but notice the small flash of affection that left as quickly as it came, wondering with a pang of jealousy of whom she might be thinking of.
Still too engrossed in the brown orbs, he completely missed the waiter arriving and carefully setting down the drinks hoping not to disturb of what he thought was a loving couple. But what Tony did notice was the slight widening of her pupils as she was snapped out of her mental reverie and the movement of these full and velvety looking lips as she was … 'Fuck she is speaking with me. Focus Tony FOCUS !' he internally screamed at himself barely catching the last of her sentence.
"... drinks come from, I didn't order anything ?" she was looking at him now, her brows furrowed in confusion. 'Kinda cute now that he thought about it …' after a second to catch his composure as well as hopefully managing to suppress the blush that threatened to take over his face he finally answered.
"Uhm sorry you looked like you wanted to be alone with your thoughts a bit, so I ordered for the two of us, hope you don't mind ?"
"It is quite alright." She replied, a bit flustered, that she had been too caught up in her thoughts to even notice the waiter approaching. Tony sensing the awkwardness that was approaching and still liking the company, found himself trying to distract her.
"So Ziva you told me you are going running everyday ? How much do you make ?" Tony gave himself an imaginary pat on the shoulder when he saw her allowing herself to relax a bit in her seat.
"Hmm I usually run at 5am for about an hour, how much I reach is a bit depending on my form. It is quite relaxing to be honest. The park is usually empty, not many people are around and it can help clear your head, maybe you should try it too ?" she mused. "It could help your form a bit ..."
"Well I usually prefer my sleep at that time of the day but it certainly sounds tempting, thanks. I'll think about it." he replied good natured not the least offended by the light teasing, happy that she was slowly becoming more comfortable around him. What she definitely didn't need to know was that his daily workout would probably leave her unable to move for a month, he did his best to conceal the fruits of his labour after all, always wearing a bit more loose shirts and pants than necessary. Deception is after all one of the greatest weapons existing, something his father figure engrained into his head from a very young age.
Nonetheless their conversation continued and soon the telltale sign of enjoyment rang across the room. Ziva had quite the nice evening – more like early morning – and she made sure to tell him that. Tony drove home after he had dropped the already a quite a bit tipsy Mossad agent at her apartment, content that he was able to get her to enjoy herself and his company. These kinds of meetings continued over the course of a few months, and after two weeks he even joined her on her morning run occasionally.
Flashback end.
Remembering the first time he joined her, still brought a wistful smile on his now tearful face, grieving over the lost chance and that one of the most important persons in his life probably wouldn't forgive nor want to see him anytime soon. Yes Anthony DiNozzo still hung – almost desperately – on the hope that their relationship could be mended, he was determined to never let her be harmed again and he would be damned if he let it happen. Yes for her he was actually able to embrace the shadows of his past that have tormented him so long. He would be the one he cursed he was but just for her. Tony shook these annoying thoughts out of his head, gripping the wheel of his mustang tighter, he exchanged them for their first time running.
Yes that was fun, especially the gob smacked look on her face when he was easily keeping up with her, even upping the speed they were going at. But when she was back at home and he thanked her for the idea and her company, she couldn't help but think his embrace was totally worth it. To be pressed against his muscular, warm chest while he thanked her made her feel like one of the luckiest person alive. Needless to say they both came to NCIS happier that day, the endorphins of the run together with the new feeling of companionship being the cause of that.
Tony chuckled lightly at the memory, why wouldn't he after all. It was one of the best moments his relatively short life supplied him with yet. To just feel her lithe, warm body pressed lightly against his chest while holding her securely, to just smell the unique aroma of her shampoo and body lotion – he was sure she actually imported that stuff from Israel as his nostrils never before had the pleasure of something that perfect, he didn't know how to describe it otherwise – set free by the slight sweat they both had built up during their run just made him feel truly content. Content with all the mistakes and hurt of his past and willing to do that all again if just for this one moment.
Ignoring the slight watering of his eyes, he opened the car door to make his way to his apartment-building through the chilly night, glad for the few drops of rain that fell so he would have an excuse for the wet stains on his cheeks should anyone ask him about him, which he highly doubted no normal minded person would be up in these ungodly hours. Nonetheless he made his way up the stairs into his apartment, the familiar surrounding managing to slightly comfort him but also disturbing the hastily set up emotional walls around his walls with memories of her.
Flashback:
They continued to go on these drinks, sometimes Tony would initiate and sometimes Ziva, but their friendship thrived. So these drinks slowly shifted to movie nights in either apartment which again turned to cooking, enjoying dinner and the occasional movie, these were done in Ziva's apartment though, as she was in possession of more kitchen utensils. However she has learned one thing or another from Tony about noodles and knives. Speaking about knives he had an abundant talent with them, they were once having some salmon – though Ziva being the ever adventurous woman she is bought the salmon fresh and in one piece, wanting to go for the best quality possible – the only problem was that she didn't know how to properly fillet that damn thing. Of course she had done it before on that very afternoon, call it paranoia but she wanted the dish she prepared to be absolutely perfect when she did it with him, and lets just say the results hadn't been very pretty – it did nothing to diminish the taste of that particular dish – but she didn't want him to think any worse of her. After all she was the one with the dark Mossad past, the pretty violent and aggressive temper, the trust issues and so on she could go on for her hours, but she had found that these things never really mattered to him. He called her his little ninja – it made her heart flutter every time she heard it – played her aggressiveness down or even supported it and had somehow found a way to earn the privilege of her friendship. After all she was pretty sure that he thought of her as close of perfect as someone could be – he in fact said it in similar words, which resulted in an awkward silence and a blush though that was thankfully interrupted by the movie in the background and he began rambling again – and she sure as hell didn't want him to think any less of her.
Her mind was set, she most definitely won't do that to the poor fish again, no she would let him do that, that way she was out just fine and he could actually use the knives he had gifted her with at her last birthday. These were actually really beautiful … and deadly, they were made of folded steal giving them an entrancing wave pattern to go with an edge that cut through flesh like a really hot knife through butter. She was mesmerized by their beauty and usefulness the moment she saw them and absolutely adored them. It was such a thoughtful gift, he had actually used another aspect of her past and reminded her that knives were good for other things too. So on that evening she welcomed him in and led him to her kitchen. Just like normal, he had brought the wine, opened the bottle and poured it into the two glasses she just got out of her cupboard. She took a sip, smirked flirtatiously and asked him teasingly: "Hey Tony, you are rather talented with your hands aren't you ?"
"Hmm yes so I've been told." He replied without missing a beat. "..."
Before he could make another attempt at speaking again – no doubt to tease her – she spoke, voice clear and firm but still with an teasing undertone: "Prove it !". She was actually glad for her training at that point, she couldn't have her tease be sounding real otherwise.
"Ah so you finally considered my offer then David ? I knew you couldn't resist the DiNozzo charme." he exclaimed, a lecherous grin spreading across his face.
"Not on me, idiot" she shot his teasing down in mock exasperation "the fish wants to be filleted and I am quite busy as you can see..." and indeed in front of her was a pile of various vegetables she was beginning to cut. 'Hehe got you there Tony. Ziva 35 DiNozzo 43', that was the count in their teasing game, she was still behind him but catching up quickly. Her fast learning attribute kicking in and managing to embarrass her partner more often nowadays.
"But how ? I never did that before..." he whined adorably – did she really just think that ?! She almost caved in. Keyword "almost", not quite managing to look in his mesmerizing eyes – lest she'd give – she just shoved an open cooking book in his hands with the necessary instructions on the open page and turned her attention back to her vegetables.
"Is it acceptable like this ?" she heard barely a minute later. Turning around in order get a look at the massacrer her colleague must have undoubtedly caused her jaw became acquainted with the floor. Before her actually lay two perfect fillets, the non digestible parts neatly piled next to it. And so she learned that seemingly Tony was living up to his supposed fame.
After she had gathered her wits about Tony having some actual talent, dinner that night was quite enjoyable, though she couldn't help but try prodding a bit at his past in order to find the source of his talent, it was completely absurd after all that someone was natural better with it than her. She practically trained half her life with sharp and pointy things. What she found was as surprising as it was mysterious – Tony didn't like to talk that much of his past – that of course stunned her, the ever talkative partner of hers didn't want to indulge others in his past, or was it just because of her ? She had learned over the past few months that he was quite a ladies man and he probably just didn't want to her her about his college adventures and catches. But that just wasn't like Tony, he was never that considerate before. But the fact that Tony's past wasn't as enjoyable as she thought it was absurd, wasn't it ? In the end she closed that topic, it didn't matter to her – as dumb as it sounds – she had grown to like the current Tony and his past probably wouldn't change it. That by no means meant that she wasn't curious, it just meant that she did respect his decision and would further work to gain that trust so that he may tell her when he was ready. After all she wasn't in a hurry to leave his side, this very nice and warm side of his that she almost hadn't discovered, if it wasn't for that drink at that cosy bar all these months ago. But she also wouldn't have it any other way.
Flashback end.
Tony's heart clenched at that. The thought of never being able to hold her again, to actually be forced to erase her out of his life, momentarily overwhelmed his every thought and feeling and filled his entire being with one emotion. Something that his victims must have felt quite often, when facing him but something he didn't even have a chance at understanding up until now. Despair. Not knowing what to do when your entire world comes crushing down upon you, sweeping you off your feet and into the deep abyss of your mind reserved for all the memories you never even wanted to begin remembering and managed so far by suppressing them with joy and happiness. The want, almost need to just escape from it, breaking away at your sanity making the cold touch of death feel like a heavenly absolution.
What was he even thinking ?! Nothing would be achieved by that, except the grieve and sorrow of the people closest to him and even if he wanted to do it he couldn't. No even if he lived his entire life in such pain he would never wish a something even remotely familiar to his surrogate family and real family of course.
He knew senior would never be the same old anymore, and even if they didn't have the best relationship after his mother died, Tony senior always had supported his son with money. At least the few times he really needed it which he could count on a hand. Oh and his mother, he shouldn't even attempt to speak with her, if he met her up there. He wouldn't probably either way as heaven wasn't really open for people like him, he wasn't a kind soul like his mother and probably would never be as his past mistakes were simply to severe in quantity and quality to redeem properly. Although even if by some miracle he would have made it she would be sure to unleash a rant on him, accompanied by many tears, that he'd wish he wouldn't. Ahh that brought a wistful smile on his face again. His mother was truly an angle under people, one that went far too early, but still manages to teach her son a few things with the almost always carefully uttered words of encouragement and love she would regard him with and of course her excellent taste in movies – a trait he was proud he shared with her.
Also his surrogate father, a man heavily reliant on traditions as well as a good friend of his mother would be broken. The man had taught him everything he knows and more. He was a father and a friend to him, one of the only ones he had left. Always reliant, offering advise when needed but being quite when he sensed that Tony wouldn't appreciate him speaking. Something Tony both cursed and respected him for, a few things might have went better if the old man had actually put his damn foot down and scolded him for being childish as well as stupid. Though on the other hand things would have probably went a whole lot worse if his father/master hadn't been so considerate and respectful of Tony's wishes after the death of his mother.
Then there was still Gibbs. The man he respected the second most on the whole globe. He was broken once too, similar to what Tony had been through and he had somewhat moved on like he, Tony himself did, after the ex-Sniper avenged his family. For that he respected the man. To actually try and find love again after the man was so deeply hurt by the death of his family – or more the love to his family that was part of the Gibbs he was and that actually died the day Shannon dies with their daughter – and to still try and find what he had with other women that was something that Tony was never able to do. No after his mothers death he was never willing to accept another women as his mother again too afraid it would end similar. Also his loyalty and the good judgement of other people where things Tony found admirable on the man and were reasons why he agreed to form a team with Gibbs. No Tony would and could never betray the trust Gibbs has placed in him – although he couldn't help but wonder what his boss would do if he died. Probably head-slap him to life again.
Oh and how he could he forgot his dear McGeek, the person that stands at his side all the time. Yes they were these little prank wars and the name-calling but just to see him get out of his shell. His incredibly geeky shell but underneath was the smart and charismatic personality of his surrogate brother that he couldn't help but feel a bond too. Poor little McGee would probably think of it as some kind of weird joke and then, when or if he accepted the fact start blaming himself and hope to escape the guilt by bury himself in his online games. That was something he couldn't let him do. How would a woman then get to know the sweet, charming and creative personality of his, if Tim hides behind a level 180 warmongering fairy lord. NO ! His little brother deserved at last that much happiness even if his was gone.
His thoughts then wandered to the next member of his little surrogate family. He really didn't know what Ducky would feel or more likely think. But he didn't want to even think about adding onto the growing list of corpses on the Irish-man's list he would have to autopsy, fearing for the charming man's psyche. He could still see the look on Ducky's face when he had to examine Kate and Jenny. He couldn't burden himself with that contemplative look he had that day, probably wondering if he could have saved them somehow if he wasn't just an pathologist. For that the very special agent liked the quirky doc too much.
Though he wondered what Abby would think. Would the happy Goth actually be happy that he died, so that she could summon his ghost in order to force him to answer questions he never answered her ?
'Don't be ridiculous DiNozzo!' he mentally berated himself. The girl was a fragile as glass when it came to members of her favourite Team. She would probably start blaming herself and furiously search for some kind of evidence that he wasn't really dead or at least that the heinous act, he had contemplated just five minutes ago, but now grew almost sick of from the thought alone, wasn't the cause of his premature demise.
And then there was always his partner, the ever beautiful, mysterious, teasing, caring, faithful Ziva David. He just couldn't describe her personality with enough words. She was so complex and perfect it was impossible to express properly no matter the vocabulary of the many languages he knew, she was the woman no other woman could hope to match up in his eyes. She was the one he felt more than he ever felt for another person. She was the most important thing in his life, never had he felt so connected with another woman, never could he hope to describe their bond with another word than "love". The simplicity of the word as well as the complexity of it describing it accurately. It was so simple because it felt so natural for them, the light way a conversation would come up between them, when they could hold endless conversations just by gazing deeply into each others eyes, the way they worked together like a well oiled machine just everything about their interaction with each other. But of course their complexity, to stubborn to realize to admit it to himself, to hurt by their past loves to be able to just accept it back to their life. He didn't even know when exactly he fell for her, he would never know when exactly he knew it was not just a crush or a minor infatuation, but he knew the day he finally admitted it to himself, the day he would come to curse later on, the first day he finally let his heart out hoping it to finally feel salvation from all the things that plagued it.
It was the day that was also the beginning to the end, the end to what would have been a beautiful relationship full of love, friendship and humour. No he wouldn't let that chance go, too important the price, too strong the love to just let it pass, no he would fight for her, for a "us".
'Everything will be alright' ,the strategical, analysing part of his mind tried to convince himself 'those words were just a product of her anger, you killed someone important to her after all. Just let her anger fade and properly reassess your situation, let her come to her senses again. You will see her again in a month either way, steel yourself and your resolve again, if she doesn't want you until then let her go, but don't you dare let her out of your eyes. We both know she is too important to just let her disappear and you would never forgive yourself if she suddenly died, just watch over her or you will blame yourself forever for her death.' Tony argued with himself eagerly in his mind, silently making a decision to try and confront his love again and if that fails to at least try protecting her from afar. All the while thinking back on how she grew so distant after all they went through, personal and professional, and it had all begun on the aforementioned day, where he had finally found a word to express his feelings for her.
Flashback:
It wasn't until a few weeks later that something yet again changed. At their last dinner together at her apartment Tony had pretty casually told Ziva about a new restaurant he heard about it, that served really good mediterranean food and he being Italian of course wanted to check it out. She had at first brushed it off as something random, but after he brought it up a third time she was really curious about his intentions. Normally a guy asking out a lady like that was pretty much the indicator that he wanted some change in their relationship – or maybe she was just overanalyzing it all and he just wanted to try it out with a good friend first before he brought a possible girlfriend there.
Now that thought brought a pang of hurt to her heart. She had to admit they had grown really close to each other in time they have been together, I mean how couldn't she ? With his friendly, chivalrous and slightly romantic side of his he had completely thrown her for a ring – or was it loop?! Damn these idioms she just couldn't get them right, although she was proud that she managed to up her knowledge of them to an acceptable level with all the movies they watched together and Tony's patience in helping her. Ah she was getting off track with her thoughts. Yes he had completely surprised her with his completely different behaviour and so the handsome DiNozzo got himself a place in her heart, that she never thought he would be able to claim for himself and probably wasn't even aware of it either.
So to get to the ground of his reasons she agreed to go to that restaurant with him, yes that was it. It surely wasn't because she wanted to know his exact feelings about her and secretly hoped that he was using this as an opportunity to do exactly that … what an absurd thought. Absurd yet so inviting. Well the tables have been set and Ziva David was ready to hear what her teammate with these mesmerizing green eyes would have to say. Strangely she wasn't that distanced of the idea of being with him on a more permanent basis as she thought just a month ago, she spent most of her time with him anyway. It wouldn't be much of a change and if he wanted to remain friends she was fine with that too. Their friendship was easily one of the best things she ever had in her life with anyone for that matter and she wouldn't ruin it just because she was thinking ahead of herself. No she would be content with what he planned out just to be sure to stay by his side. This feeling of dependence though, scared her due to the natural beauty of this bond, something she wasn't even vaguely aware of.
Yes Officer Ziva David, the woman who looks down the barrel of a gun without even an ounce of fear, was scared. Scared of what her Italian friend was slowly doing to her, every day she found even more attributes on him, which made him even more desirable, wanting to spend even more time with him. Maybe moving, in with him feeling his warm body every morning she woke up – not just when they 'accidentally' fell asleep with her leaning into his side and him holding her close instinctively making her feel safe and secure during one of his movie nights – foregoing the usual morning run for another kind of exercising, one involving him and a bed. Damn was she even listening to herself ?!
Imagining herself settling down with a man, she who had killed men just for thinking inappropriately about her, with a man as nice, handsome and caring as Tony? The mere sound of that was just so absurd that she wanted it to be true. But did she really deserve someone as, did she dare say it, perfect as Tony? Many people would disagree on that statement with her, describing him as an grade A asshole, but they hadn't seen what she did, didn't see the carefully guarded emotions behind his eyes that were shining... Oh god she was so confused, a feeling she didn't like, no Ziva absolutely loathed being confused and was keen on finding out just what exactly she was feeling for her partner and why he even put up with her anymore.
So this is why she stood here now clad in a black number. The only kind of dress she had found in her closet, no not that she was inept to actually go shopping, far from it actually the only problem being that her oh-so mindful colleague just informed her the night before their supposed dinner that relatively formal clothing was needed and the rather long workday in NCIS left her too little time to actually go searching for a suitable dress.
It was an memory of an seduction mission she had been ordered to go on, but didn't have to as her target was killed by beforehand. The only one that she had ever gone on if she remembered right. That could have been due to the fact that she had killed her last target, as he attempted to defile her body. Yes you have got it correct. Officer Ziva David from Mossad, proclaimed ninja from her Partner, was – at 25 years of age – still a virgin. Her only, meagre seeming victory over her father as he had wanted her to lose it when she first joined Mossad at sixteen. He said it would be a good idea to relieve some stress, he knew she would have pent up until now after all she was teenager, and locked her in a room with a thirty-somewhat – more or less handsome veteran Mossad – telling them it was to get the love out of the act. She shouldn't be disillusioned about that 'Sex was just a way for two people to enjoy themselves nothing more,nothing less', he said. She was disgusted now. What did that make her ? Just a toy for him to use, existing just because he had been toying around ? That was when she slowly began to doubt.
Needless to say when she came out half an hour later wearing a satisfied grin her father had been confused the first time was supposed to hurt wasn't it ? Though that certainly didn't last long as he saw what she had done to the poor man, who by now sat in the corner of the room muttering incomprehensible sentences with a glassy look. She had drawn a line. Her father may have control over mind and body to some extent, but that would be something, she would be losing on her own accord she swore herself. To a man she loved or not, even if it would be a mistake it would be her mistake. A mistake she hadn't gotten herself to commence just yet.
Getting these thoughts out of her head by a quick shake, she continued to look at herself in the mirror. The dress just reached to barely above her knees but still accentuated her body nicely. It wasn't really slutty no it was more than appropriate enough but it still complimented her figure probably more than it should on the first dinner she was formally going to with her partner. With the black heels that completed the outfit she could have been an model going on some kind of gala. It wasn't really her favourite type of dress, but even then she couldn't help but admit that it made her look good. 'Hopefully not too good' ,she added mentally as she didn't want him to get the wrong intentions. She wasn't that needy for him, although she would be lying if she said that she wasn't attracted to her lovable partner, how couldn't she after all. He was pretty much irresistible with these deep green eyes, his handsome smile and his well built body.
"Hey Zee you in here ?!" a voice broke her out of her musings, the voice belonging to the partner she had just fantasized about. She hurriedly rushed out of her bedroom to the door – no easy feet with these blasted shoes that sadly went so perfectly with the dress – shouting "Yeah sorry I didn't hear you. I was talking to someone on the phone."
Finally reaching the door and opening it after unlocking she was met with the sight of a gaping Tony DiNozzo, who was currently admiring her choice of clothing by letting his eyes shamelessly run over her body. Though to his credit and her surprise his eyes lingered on her rather nicely accentuated bosom just a tad bit longer than appropriate, quickly finding her eyes again and holding her gaze. A feat she complimented him on, not many man were able to shake off the attraction of her body like that.
"Uuuuh …. you look stunning" he stated trying to play his staring off lightly, while internally cursing 'Smooth DiNozzo smooth'.
" Why thank you. You don't brush up that bad too, Tony" , she answered while offering a small laugh at seeing him so dumbfounded, before beckoning him to come inside.
" … Clean up Zee-vah " upon seeing her confused expression, he decided to elaborate " you know the correct idiom is to clean up"
She just rolled her eyes in response, telling him to make himself comfortable while she gets her purse and finishes freshening up.
Five minutes and an absolute stunned Tony later, they were leaving her apartment. He still couldn't believe what she was able to do with that bit of masquara and blush she had put on. After all even a ninja couldn't do that much in the five minutes she had spent in the bathroom. She was easily leaving all of his dates in the past years coughing and sputtering in the dust, she was beautiful yes of course but that just wasn't it, she was his best friend even more so than his little surrogate brother McGoo but that didn't cut it too, she was dangerous always putting him on edge yet calm around her. He just didn't know how exactly to describe their relationship with each other, they were friends of course that much was sure and he enjoyed it more so than every other friendship he has had over the years – it being more natural than the ones he chose to pursue with Gibbs and his few buddies from college – and he couldn't help but notice something deeper running in between them, some kind of deeper bond, which nature he just couldn't quite pinpoint yet …
"Penny for your thoughts ?" a voice interrupted.
"Wow you got that one right Zee"
"Come on Tony will you get it now, yes ?!"
"Hmm what ?! " He was shocked, did she just read his mind?
"The car Tony", she rolled her gorgeous eyes "you were about to unlock it, when you just suddenly froze and started staring in he night sky."
"Ohh right. Sorry I guess", he offered as an apology opening the car rather quickly, fearing bodily harm, as he noticed the slight edge to her voice , "I just got lost in my thoughts."
He got in immediately after that, waiting for her to follow before starting the car and beginning to drive towards their location.
"Were they at least nice thoughts?" she sounded a bit concerned now, it wasn't her partner to just space out like that.
"Oh definitely" he answered teasingly, gazing at her long, toned legs in progress, hearing her tone and wanting to reassure her that he was fine. Though he did indeed like the sight in front of him, so it really wasn't just for show.
"Why do I put up with you again?" she asked, laughing good-naturedly, a slight blush creeping on her face, wondering why exactly he had this effect on her. No one had been able to make her blush like that, she had been trained to be better than that.
"Oh come on Zi, you know you love it."
"Aren't you getting a bit ahead of yourself Agent DiNozzo?" she now teased back, slightly relaxing in her seat again, enjoying their friendly banter.
"Am I? Tell me Officer David." he replied without missing a beat.
"You are." She told him flatly, but couldn't keep the slight smirk off her face.
"Ahh you wound me, my fair maid", he replied in kind.
A comfortable silence now filled Tony's mustang, their usual teasing giving them back a bit of security due to the familiar situation. A little bit later they arrived at the restaurant and with the awkwardness from earlier that evening was gone. It felt just like all these months ago at the bar. They talked they were comfortable, it was nothing really life-changing, just small topics. A little bit of teasing included of course. But they found out – well better yet – they realised something, they each held much deeper feelings for the other than usually with partners, was it friendship? Was it maybe even more?
They didn't know yet and even if they had, no one would have voiced it in fear of even slightly altering their relationship into something more uncomfortable. It may sound stupid in hindsight but it was what they needed, they needed some kind of stable relationship in order to at least gather enough courage in order to make a move forward. Both had been disappointed in their trust again and again. It had left scars on their hearts. But every single human being strives happiness through emotional fulfilment and it was what both wanted without wanting to admit it. They didn't know it back then at that dinner, just that they both had what the other wanted. Reassurance, trust and … Was it love ? It didn't matter at that moment because they were happy. They made each other happy. And they didn't ponder it, didn't dwell onto it. Well at least Ziva didn't. Too great the emotional- discouraging Mossad training, too big too threatening the idea of the impact love could have onto her life. She didn't think about, not really realizing the need for it feeling great and trusting her partner enough to just go with the flow.
Tony on the other hand thought long and hard about it after he had driven her home that evening. His training although more taxing and harder than the ones of all these secret agencies put together was different. He wasn't treated solely a weapon by his father-figure, it was his wish to be trained like that after all, so the man actually made an effort to teach him emotions and their meanings as well as the ability to suppress them – something you can't live without in their profession.
But the man was furious when he had first introduced him to Wendy, his fiancée who left him standing at the wedding day, and punished him for it. He didn't understand. He didn't have the impression it was about the neglect of his training or about the fact that he accepted a mediocre paid job as a police officer … No it seemed as if his violent outburst was caused by something else than that. But it couldn't have been Wendy could it ? The man who made a point to actually tell him to actively search for love had been telling him to forget it and her. It made him doubtful about his masters sanity, he still shuddered when he thought about the gruesome training the man had put him through in order to make him understand his mistakes.
But that was unimportant now. What mattered now was Ziva or more accurately his feelings regarding her. It was difficult to explain. Their relationship started by being partners, after her brother killed Kate – ok, distant partners. She did tease him continuously, always pointing out things about him that she didn't like or doing things to embarrass him. He should have hated her. By all intents and purposes it was different though. He liked every single bit about her. Her appearance, her slight accent, the small idiom-errors, how she would glare at him when she was in a bad mood or how she slowly peeled out of her though Mossad shell she showed everyone at the Navy Yard first time she got introduced to the team. He didn't know why – was it because of some kind of sexual attraction, because they had the same guarded eyes, similar past ? - but they became friends after they were partners.
And now he could slowly feel something spark up in him. It was there when she came first in the bullpen and made some snappy remark about him having phone-sex and it became more prominent over the time he had spent socializing with her. The first drink they shared all those months ago, then the dinner at each others apartments and now following with these formal … dates ? He couldn't really describe it but it felt just so right to be with her, made him feel so strong even stronger than he felt as he slowly tortured the murderers of his mother to their deaths. It made him feel hot and cold, made him soar to new heights with happiness with a simple touch, with every snuggle on the couch with a classic in the recorder. He hadn't felt like that with a woman never. Of course he was familiar with the post-orgasmic bliss that one-night stands usually provided him with, but not with this feeling. It even stopped him from bar hopping and using his natural charme to woo some women. It somehow made him feel content with the relationship with Ziva and he had a gut feeling it wouldn't bode well with her, if he would sleep with other women behind her back. Though they weren't technically together …
Well he would be pretty jealous too if she would see another man … Wait where did that come from? Was he of all people in love ? Strangely, even with his rather emotional stunting past, he didn't found himself rejecting the idea, more like being happy about it. Actually being able to describe their natural bond was like a huge weight lifted off him, as he now could begin to define their relationship to a certain point. He found himself grinning at the idea. He was in love it made all sense now, all these electrical currents exchanged by slight contact with her bare skin, the utter feeling of happiness when he was spending time with her just being at her side and the unshaken loyalty he had to her, to never betray her or even attempt to hurt her willingly. Yes Anthony DiNozzo was in love and revelled in the feeling. Happy that it felt so natural,so instinctual and so completely right. He knew he was being a fool, but he didn't care as he was sure she was feeling the same for him. At this he saw flashes of the small, genuine smile that was only reserved for him, her trusting him with her six – and what a six it was – the small signs of affection he wouldn't have been able to read if he hadn't he been trained so meticulously before.
It made all sense now, though he shouldn't get in over his head yet. She hadn't said it so far, so she mustn't have figure it out up until now, but that all didn't matter. He knew now and even if she didn't return his feelings he would have been content to at least have known true love. But oh boys he wouldn't give her up without a fight, never. He knew it would be complicated. They had been attracted to each other when they first met. But by being partners they had sustained a rather balanced relationship which lead to them getting closer, but not too close in fear of infuriating Gibbs. They didn't have these feelings back then, well maybe they had, but they weren't strong enough. They were now though and it was time to at least try and make a difference. Gibbs could be dealt with later. They were important now.
He wouldn't make any pressure but he would tell her at the next date – the seventh or eight if he recalled correctly – make sure that she did understand his feelings were genuine and that he was honest, but still get her to at least think about it. He knew she would be uncertain and insecure, not that he'd ever say it out aloud, but he'd leave her room to sort out her feelings and let him in her life. And he would accept the decision, after all you cannot force a person to feel the same for you when they don't …
Flashback end.
… but he would only accept what she says in her right state of mind. Tony let a grim grin flash over his face, yes he was fucking happy when he finally sorted out his feelings for his gorgeous teammate, but why does someone just always has to throw obstacles in his way? And that was when he felt the emotion that usually accompanied betrayal well up inside of him, the emotion that was his companion for most of the evening too. He resisted the urge to Smash half his furniture into pieces and instead changed into black sweatpants, with a vine-red, short sleeved muscle shirt. Then he grabbed a few rolls of tape out of his medical supplies kit and made his way out of his apartment again, the keys already in his pockets.
'Time to get in form again DiNozzo' he thought as he made his way downstairs. While he was pretty fit for someone 28 years old, and aced the physical exams of the NCIS, he was far from peak condition. The last few years of just police duty had weakened him, he wouldn't even be able to do half the things he was able to just ten years ago. The fight with Rivkin proving just that, he killed him rather easily,yes but he would have been able to sense him just as he entered the door – 10 years ago.
Shame on him. But that would change now, he had to accept who he was again and try to bring it together with apologizing to Ziva as well as bringing her back. If he had just come to that conclusion earlier, he wouldn't be so hurt right now. Yes he knew, that she probably didn't mean her words, the way she did – after all she was in emotional turmoil and didn't really think about what she said, did she ? - but still they stung, after all she didn't even know just how close she came to the truth. While Tony made his way down to his basement – yes 'his' basement, one of the favours of his 'fathers' – he reminisced how this came to be, when it had begun so good with his decision to finally confess.
Flashback:
Tony and Ziva were sitting in a fancy french restaurant, one of the really romantic kinds, it wasn't really pushy, but not unnoticeable. It kinda had Ziva wondering why they were here, in a restaurant way above their pay-grade, sitting and just talking over really good – but not necessarily kosher dinner – she was overall confused by her partners recent attitude. He behaved as if he knew something she didn't, but probably should, and was in such a good mood that it was almost unbelievable. I mean they had just an entire week of paperwork and cold cases, behind them, while their boss was in LA. LA! Hollywood! Tony was crazy about movies and yet she didn't hear a single complaint about it. Was he sick ? Maybe even fatally ? Did his lungs decided to finally give out even after he was officially cure from pneumonia ? Her heart clenched painfully at that and she couldn't help but reach for the glass of wine to somehow get that lump out of her throat. Was all this happiness just an act ?
"Tony are you ill ?" she suddenly asked, completely interrupting Tony attempt of small talk. The change was so sudden that he almost, choked on the piece of steak he had been chewing. 'How did she came upon this idea ?' he wondered.
She answered the questioning look, with a shrug "You've been acting differently lately" she told him flatly, no use in turkeying out now, "nervous and distraught one moment and then when we talk you're suddenly so happy … " she trailed off trying to get her point across, her hands still in the air from the vivid movement she had just used them with.
"Nope I am actually quite fine, though maybe a little sick at times, but nothing I couldn't handle" he grinned crookedly, knowing she wouldn't get that half-idiom. After all he had been acting a bit love-sick the last two weeks, earning him more than one headslap from his boss.
Ziva was annoyed. That grin just made it all the worse. She knew know that the man in the elegant, handmade suit, that had her almost drooling just at the sight off, was just teasing her, but she hated not knowing... "You would tell me though, wouldn't you? I mean if you were seriously in danger ?" she asked almost softly, trying the more subtle approach instead of trying to choke him over the table.
"Ohh is my little ninja worried about little old me ? Don't worry you would be the first to know, after all I can't just leave you being unprepared searching for a new partner, could I ?" he teased, anxiously awaiting her response for the obvious tease, trying to lure her feelings out a bit. It worked.
The Mossad temptress that had his heart suddenly grew serious in that absolutely gorgeous piece of clothing she called a dress. It literally made her divine and almost every men at the restaurant had turned her head at her, a look he countered with a 'piss of glare' that almost made them piss their pants and his partner smile a little at his protectiveness. She found it adorable and honestly would be worried if he reacted otherwise. She was oddly at ease with the thought of being 'his', the word partner not just fitting to describe their professional life. That was also the reason she choose that dress, it was of an azure colour, completely complimenting her skin and hugging in all the right places before cascading down in an shower of the colour and a few crystals. Though it was in now way innocent, having an open back and exposing just a right amount of cleavage in order to tease but not show as well as sporting two long slits at the sides in order to let the material cling a bit to her legs, but also expose some of the skin there. Rounding it off, she wore a bit of blush and mascara as well as as a golden bracelet and earrings with sapphires – a birthday gift – so overall she could say she looked quite good. It was a good thing for once she took her partners advice of dressing up a bit more this time, as he had booked something more luxurious like he had put it.
He in kind grew a little more serious too in order to fit their current topic, her reaction the one he was hoping for. Maybe he could tell her this evening without fear of her rejecting him completely, he would most definite try, over desert though so that they could enjoy themselves a little more before he brings the heavy topics up and risk ruining this evening completely.
"Again Ziva you are the only one I would confide with my health. Partners do have each others back, yes ?" he returned with a bad imitation of her speaking habit. A nod and a smile being his response, the nonverbal conversation between them was developed to a much higher degree they were both willing to admit, him knowing that behind this almost nonchalant gesture lay an answer of trust and serious concern. It was all in the eyes as his master has told him so many years ago.
Their little moment was interrupted by an odd succession of noises. He took a moment to realize it was her mobile and could see the slight hesitance in her posture. "Look it up, it could be important" he assured her, not really wanting their moment to be disrupted that way, but it was true it could be important.
That notion proved to be true, as he watched Ziva grew paler from the second until she was almost a deathly white and her body went rigid. He watched her scramble to her feet mumbling some Hebrew curses until she stood in front of him with an sorrowful impression on her face. It made him immediately grew wary, he didn't like that look not one bit, having it seen to many times when a girlfriend was breaking up with him. Though that was impossible, they weren't together and she couldn't have a clue to what he was planning to tell her, he didn't grew that sloppy.
Unbeknownst to him that really wasn't what she wanted, but if the text was true she would have to prepare and could just hope that it was just an test. She really didn't want to break contact with Tony or anyone for that matter, but especially Tony as she really enjoyed their little meetings and his presence altogether. She knew it would be a major setback in finding out what they really were and her emotions for him, but if that was true what stood in that message the she sadly would have. Though not for long she hoped, it was after all just an emergency call.
"Tony I have to go. I am so sorry. I don't know how I can apologise enough for that but I really have to go." She was ashamed at herself.
"Go. It must be important if it upsets you that much. We'll talk later."
She didn't think she ever met a person that forgiving and understanding at all in her life. She was so grateful for him she couldn't even try to describe it in words. Hopefully this stunt wouldn't ruin this for her, but it really was important, way more important than she or him were it was about her country and her agency. Her private dreams and wishes as well as Tony's couldn't reach that far above.
Little did she know that that would be one of the last times she would file her personal feelings away for her profession. So Ziva David headed out of the fancy restaurant missing the hurt, but also understanding look he gave her retreating figure as he waved for the waiter, asking for the bill.
Meanwhile Ziva was trying to catch a cab a few streets further, she never knew she could run that fast in her heels, replaying the message in her head.
"The package in LA has been disposed off. But there were problems with the adressant resulting in one getting lost. Need a new one. In an hour at your place. Package priority red, Code 150. Greetings M.R"
A/N: Hello again, Reaping Shadows speaking. I hope you liked how I described their situation and relationship, it is after all my first fanfic. I know many questions are left open, but rest assured most of them will be resolved next chapter, if there ever be one. I don't particularly think of it as very fulfilling to write for the wind. So please drop a review about what you think of my story as well as things you find mentionable. Also be invited to make a guess about what kind of training Tony went through, there were really many hints in here I guess so … Also the more reviews I get I will be more motivated to write the next chapter, but don't expect too much. I do know what I am going to write but well that's something that has to be done as well. Oh and one last thing. About the people who some describe as flamers, really there is no need for that. I am a person who you can talk to very easily. But I will not accept that kind of insults. If you want something, even criticize, feel free to do so, but in a way that actually identifies you as a dignified human being with intelligence. If not well you can count on being ignored or being replied in kind. So until next time I guess/hope ?