AN: A little while back, I posted a follow-up to chapter 16 of Hermies818's "The Glory of Love" collection. That one-shot, "Crumble," is posted as chapter 5 of my collection "To Love at All." Over the past few weeks, an alternate ending to that piece has been growing and developing in my head and has taken on a mind of its own. This is that story. If you've read "Crumble," this starts off the same way.

This piece grew partly out of a conversation with JerichoSteele. You can blame him. Also, I've been feeling the need to write something more substantial than the fluffy one-shots I've been writing for the last few months. I've been listening to Jason Gray's song "Forgiveness is a Miracle" this Christmas season, and while the song has absolutely nothing to do with this story in general, certain lines really connected with this as I was writing. You'll find a few lines from it in here.

The ideas and inspiration of this piece came from Hermies818. This one-shot follows immediately after the end of chapter 16 of "The Glory of Love," titled "Lose a Little/Kensi and Deeks Fight." If you haven' t read that one, I strongly suggest you do so before reading this.

I don't own the song, anything related to NCIS:LA, or Hermies818's original piece.

"What needs to happen so we can just move past this?"

From their opposing sides of the bed, Kensi and Deeks just stared at each other, no movement, no words, for what felt like years. The bed in between them might just as well have been the Pacific Ocean. The unspoken answer to her question hung heavy in the air, like some invisible beast that would destroy them at the first sign of movement. In every war, no matter how large or how small, there were always casualties. Always."

(excerpt from "The Glory of Love," Chapter 16, by Hermies818)

"Love can make a soul come alive
Love can draw a dream out of the darkness
And blow every door open wide
But love can leave you brokenhearted."

(Jason Gray- Forgiveness is a Miracle)

Corrode

"I don't think I can, Kensi." His voice has gone quiet, and he almost has to force the gravelly reply out of his mouth. The use of her full name shakes her almost as much as the words he speaks.

"You don't think you can what?" She knows full well what he means, but she refuses to believe it.

"You said no, Kens—" there, there's her nickname, and it makes her breathe just a little easier for a second—until the next words come. "I don't think I can just get past that. I wanted to marry you and you said no. And you seem to be able to just forget that and move on, but I can't."

The chasm that is the bed between them only seems to be getting wider as he speaks.

"I've tried, Kensi. You know I've tried to just move past it and let it go." The cracks in his voice are terrifying her, but she can't find the breath to stop him.

"I love you. I love you so much." They are familiar words, but his tone is foreign to her. They're usually spoken warmly, occasionally frantically, sometimes softly. Today, the only emotions she identifies in them are pain and resignation, and it chills her. "And I thought it could be enough even if you didn't love me as much as I loved you. I thought as long as you were mine, it would be enough.

"But every time something like this happens, my brain reminds me that you're not really mine. It tells me that of course I'm not enough to keep someone like you forever. And I know you say you don't believe in it, but part of me thinks that if I was enough, I could make you believe in it, for me. It tells me that even if you think you love me now, subconsciously the reason you can't decide to marry me is because you know that sooner or later someone better is going to come along.

"I want to put a ring on your finger and promise you forever and know that I'm going to wake up next to you for the rest of our lives, and I can't just stop wanting that."

"If you loved me, you would just let it go." She wants to eat her words the moment they escape from her mouth. She's sworn she'd never be one of those women who manipulated her man with if you loved me statements.

"Or maybe, if you loved me, you would understand why I can't."

She's aching to touch him, to ease the tension she sees frozen in his muscles as he stiffly turns to go. The remaining anger mingles with fear as she waits for the slamming of the door; somehow the soft click of it gently closing is far worse.

He checks into a hotel and turns the TV on to try and drown out his thoughts, but it doesn't work.

He just left. He doesn't know if he's going back.

His whole world is wrapped up in Kensi and he can't even wish it any other way. He only wishes that it didn't come down to this decision.

He could go back. He could go back and she'd probably let him in, and they would go back to pretending that everything was fine. Maybe everything really was fine for Kensi, but it would always be pretending for him.

She makes him want more. He wants to not have to pretend.

He lays there for hours trying to change his own mind, but he can't. He wants more and she's made her position clear. He can't resign himself spending his life faking it with the woman he loves.

The fact that the alternative is not being with the woman he loves rips his heart to shreds. But he knows he'll only be able to fake it for so long, and eventually that unresolved issue and unmet need will corrode their relationship and his heart and it'll end up crumbling, and they'll be left in pieces all over again. It'll sneak into every argument and every late night, every question, fear, and doubt, and eventually it will destroy her faith in him and his in her.

Surely it's better to better to face it now, when maybe they can both still get out with at least some part of their hearts intact.

He's at the beach at first light, unable to sleep in the unfamiliar empty bed. He has to rent a board and wetsuit because his are back at the apartment where his things and her things and all mixed up with their things and he tries not to think yet about the painful process of detangling their lives from one another's.

She's there in the early morning light when his feet hit the sand after his third unsatisfactory run. She silently watches him approach and there is a long moment of tense quiet before she speaks. Reaching out, she wraps her fingers around his wrist, his skin is cold from the ocean water and the early morning wind.

"Deeks. Just come home. Come back and we can forget all about this and—"

She cuts off as he removes his wrist from her grasp. It's the first time her simple touch has left shards of pain instead of sparks of wonder.

For a second, as he leans in, she looks hopeful. But he closes his eyes tight as he presses his lips to her forehead, hoping both to keep the liquid in them from spilling out and to impress this moment, this last moment, in his memory.

"I can't, Kensi. I won't spend my life lying to you about what I want. I can't do it anymore. I tried, but I can't. We want different things. We need different things; I can't give you what you need."

There is a moment of silent shock, and then he whispers "goodbye." He leans in to kiss her softly again on the forehead, carefully keeping the rest of his body away from hers. As soon as he tears his lips from her skin, he turns and moves quickly away, hoping to make it to somewhere private before the iron fist around his stomach and his heart brings him to his knees.

He makes it around a bend behind an outcropping of rock before his knees hit the sand. Every system in his body physically revolts alongside his heart and he loses his breakfast on the beach as he goes down, trembling.

He's doing what he had sworn he'd never do; he's walking away from her of his own free will.

AN2: This is just the starter chapter, not much different than the previously posted "Crumble" in To Love At All, other than the ending. This story has been mostly written for weeks—I just didn't have the time or the heart to write angst after "Humbug," but it should all be out fairly quickly now. It will probably be 5-6 small chapters total, most of which are basically finished. If I can find the time to tweak and touch up, I might be able to update almost daily. We'll see. No promises. Certainly shouldn't drag on for too long.

Love to hear what you think of the beginning and what you think is coming for them.