The Sorcerer article - Part one
"Look Natsu!" the stellar spirit mage yelled happily and waved a magazine in his face. "My first story in the Sorcerer!"
"That's great Luigi..." the dragon slayer said with his back to the blond, still munching on a fire chicken wing. Beside him Happy, the blue exceed, was trying to fit an entire salmon in his mouth.
"It's Lucy you idiot!"
No response.
The blond sighed heavily and went over to the bar where Levy was talking to Mira about a job request she wanted to take. Maybe they would be more excited about her first appearance in Fiore's greatest magazine (oh, who was she kidding, it was a gossip magazine) on the magic world?
"Levy-chan!" the blond called to her friend and waved her hand.
"Lu-chan!" the blue haired script mage said with a huge smile. "I read your story this morning! It was - interesting..."
"Yes, Lucy," the white haired barmaid said and raised one brow questioningly. "I didn't know you and Natsu were official now?"
"What?!" Lucy said in shook, regretting dreadfully that she hadn't read the article before coming to the guild. She opened the magazine in her hand and quickly flipped the pages over until she landed on a picture of herself.
"That's not the picture I agreed upon!" she screamed exasperated when she saw herself, wearing nothing but a polka dot bikini, staring seductively out of the glossy magazine.
"Oh dear..." Mira sighed and put her hand to her cheek, tilting her head slightly. "That Jason is a naughty boy."
"Lucy Hearfilia," the blond read out loud from the article's headline. "Fairy tail's whip wielding stellar spirit mage..."
"Well that's not NOT true," Levy pointed out.
"Eyes: Brown, Hair: Blond, Weight: Heavy (other source)!" Lucy gasped and threw the blue exceed a look that said I-will-kill-you-in-your-sleep.
"Hehe," Mira laughed awkwardly. "At least they got two out of three correct."
"Hobbies:" Lucy continued. "Writing erotic novels, cooking and shopping (mostly for cosplay costumes such as her famous maid costume, bunny suit or cheerleader outfit)."
"I didn't know you wrote erotic stories, Lucy?" Erza said as she suddenly appeared right next to the blond.
"I don't!"
"Too bad..." the redhead muttered and turned her attention back to the strawberry cake in her hand.
"And I do not mostly shop cosplay outfits!"
"Maybe, I could kinda understand why Jason would think that." Levy said and looked the blond from top to toe and then up again. She was wearing a short, brown skirt that hung loosely on her hips, fixated with the belt where she kept her keys and whip. Her plaid shirt was tied in a knot just above the navel and on her feet were knee high, brown leather boots.
"Levy!" Lucy cried out in surprise and sadness.
"I'm sorry Lu-chan," the blue haired script mage pleaded. "I know how bored you must have been, wearing what someone told you to wear every day, and now you're - erm - experimenting."
Lucy gaped a her best friend, what did she mean "experimenting"?
As the stellar mage stood petrified, staring at her blue haired friend, the redheaded ex-quip mage reached out and took the magazine from her hand.
"Partner: Natsu Dragneel," she read out loud. "So he's confessed already?"
"What!?" Lucy screamed and turned to face the redhead instead. Levy sighed in relief.
"I didn't mean that he was my partner-partner. I meant partner as in work partner or friend - partner..." she said but then suddenly something else dawned on her.
"Already?" she asked the ex-quip mage with a blush on her cheeks.
"Yeah, I wasn't expecting him to confess for another month," the redhead said matter-of-factly and put a piece of cake in her mouth. "I guess I owe you those five thousand jewels now, Mira."
"You made a bet?" Levy asked nervously.
"Ha!" Mira said triumphantly. "I told you Natsu would confess before Gajeel did, Scarlet!"
"Well it seems that you were right this time, Strauss, but I still have Gajeel and Levy up for next ones to be married!"
Lucy and Levy stared incredulously at the two S-class wizards. Then they looked at each other and laughed.
"Erza, let me read the next part," Lucy said and held out her hand towards the ex-quip mage. She wanted to read through everything before telling the others about it.
"Sure."
Lucy scanned through the rest of the article but found nothing that was too odd or too wrong to complain about. As she read quietly, suddenly a face appeared right next to hers.
"KYAAA!" she screamed and jumped several centimeters into the air.
"Oi Lucy!" the pink haired boy said while peeking over her shoulder at the glossy magazine. "What's that thing next to you?"
"Natsu don't scare me so!" she yelled at him before looking back at the article.
The next page was a Q&A and this time it was about sex. Which meant that, right next to picture-Lucy, there was a huge picture of a purple dildo.
"Oh my Mavis how could I miss that!" Lucy gasped.
"What is it?" the others asked as none of them could see the picture.
"It looks like a staff," Natsu tried to explain when Lucy didn't answer. "But purple..."
"That's a dildo!" a brown haired woman with alcoholic breath said as she turned up on Lucy's other side.
"Oh!" Erza, Mira and Levy all said at the same time.
"What's a dildo?" the dragon slayer asked.
"It's a fake cock." Cana said simply.
"It's a sex toy that women, and men, use as a penetrative stimulant." Erza corrected her.
"Yeah, as I said, fake cock."
"Cana a cock, or penis, can be used for so much more than penetration." Erza continued her lecturing and Lucy was surprised at how she was doing this. Usually the ex-quip mage got really flustered around anything romantic or sexual but apparently not this time. Maybe it helped that she was the one doing the scolding, that was her natural environment after all, shouting at people and telling them what to do and what was correct. Or maybe, just maybe, Lucy thought, that last time they'd met Jellal had been enough to get Erza out of her romantic non-comfort zone?
"Why would you want that?" the dragon slayer said with a huff.
"Pleasure." Cana said with a satisfied smile. "You do know what that is don't you, Natsu?"
"Of course!" the pink haired boy said angrily and crossed his arms.
"Now," Cana said and turned to Lucy. "Continue reading!"
"My interview?"
"No, dumbass! The Q&A! I wanna hear what those idiots weren't brave enough to go find out for themselves!"
"Cana!" Erza warned her.
"Yeah yeah... Lucy, go on!"
"Ok," the blond said hesitantly, she wasn't really sure if she wanted to read this out loud and especially not with Natsu standing so close to her, listening. Why was he still there? Wasn't he supposed to be fighting with Gray or something?
"The first question is about the - um - size, of the - um - um - thing."
"Lucy, that's pathetic," Erza scolded. "Just read what it says in the article."
"Ok. Well, to be more exact, it says: Hi, I am scared that if I sleep with my boyfriend and his really huge thing - see I said the same word! - will stretch me down there so that I'm ruined for any future boyfriend/husband."
"See, idiots!" Cana laughed and ordered another barrel of beer from Mira.
"Language, Cana!" Erza said angrily. "And that's not entirely made up, the vagina is a muscle so of course it can be stretched just like any other muscle. However, similarly to all of the other muscles in your body it pulls back to its normal tightness when it's not being used."
"That -" Lucy said as she read the answer in the article. "That's almost the exact same answer as the article gives. Erza, did you perhaps read this magazine already?"
"No."
"I see..."
"So," the pink haired dragon slayer said to the blue exceed who was floating above his head. "Then you could get like cramps or a sore muscle down there? That must hurt!"
"Aye!"
"What were you two planning to do?!" Lucy shrieked.
"Lucy, I wouldn't let those two into my house if I were you," Erza said and put her empty plate on the bar.
"It's not like I actually let them in, they always break in without permission!"
"Way to go, Natsu!" Cana laughed and patted the poor, clueless boy's shoulder.
"Huh?"
"Cana," the ex-quip mage said seriously. "If Natsu did break into Lucy's house to have a sexual relationship with her I am sure he would be gentle. Even if he is famous for wreaking havoc..."
"Could we please talk about something else!" Lucy cried.
"Lucy, read the next one please!" Levy said and corrected her glasses.
"S-sure. Well, the next question is a short one but there's a really long answer. This girl wants to know how she can be sure if she has really lost her virginity."
"But that's an easy question, right?" the blue haired script mage said with a blush on her cheeks. "The dictionary says that virginity is the lack of having had a, well - intimate - relationship."
"This requires a change of clothes!" the ex-quip mage said and snapped her fingers. Suddenly she was wrapped in a dazzling light that removed her usual armour, replacing it with a school teacher's uniform and a stick which she flicked like a whip in her palm.
"Now," the redhead continued. "This is a very serious matter because there really is no good definition of virginity. It's not something that can be measured, weighed or in any other way quantified. It doesn't only apply to women or men. It's not a simple yes or no question."
"But..." Levy tried to insert when she was instantly interrupted by Erza-sensei.
"How do you define a sexual relationship, Levy?"
"A big hairy cock and a wet pussy!" Cana laughed in between drunken hiccups. The second barrel was almost empty by now.
"So then only straight people can have sex?" Erza asked rhetorically.
"No," Cana said and grabbed Lucy's breasts with a mischievous grin. "But girls-only is on an entirely different level, right Natsu?"
"I don't get it," the dragon slayer said unaffected.
"Let me go!" Lucy whimpered under Cana's firm grip.
"As I said," Erza continued as if nothing had happened. "There are many people who have regular sex without penetration, should they be defined as virgins? And while we are on the subject of difficult definitions; what is sex? Sexting on the Lacrima-communicator, oral sex, masturbation or penetration with a toy?"
"You know too much..." Lucy thought, silently. It was Erza after all, you could never be too careful.
"Sexting huh?" Natsu said to the blue exceed. "Lucy -"
"Don't even think about it!"
"But what about the - um - membrane," Levy asked nervously.
"You mean the hymen?" Erza said and flicked her stick.
"I think she likes it..." Lucy told Happy, motioning towards the whip-like stick.
"Aye!" the exceed agreed.
"I've read that - I mean - well..." Levy said but lost her words as her face turned bright red.
"The hymen is a thin membrane at the opening of the vagina," Erza lectured. "It does not cover the opening, it does not have to be broken and it most certainly does not 'pop'."
"This is one of those girl things right?" Natsu said with a confused look at Happy.
"Aye..."
"You mean you never broke in a girl, Natsu?" Cana smirked at the dragon slayer.
"No," Happy said. "He breaks into Lucy's place all the time!"
"Happy!" the stellar spirit mage yelled angrily at the blue exceed. "Come here so I can pull your whiskers off!"
"Natsu! Please save me!"
"Is it only female mages who have sent in questions?" Mira asked, still as calm as ever.
"No wait," Lucy said as she scanned the page. "Here's one that could be from a guy: How do I know if she likes what I do or if she's only faking it?"
"More idiots!" Cana slurred while leaning on Lucy's shoulder.
"That doesn't have to be a guy," Levy pointed out.
"Very true," Erza said.
"Why would you fake liking something?" the pink haired dragon slayer asked to no-one in particular.
"Naaaaaaaw!" Cana, Mira and Erza all said at the same time.
"You should really keep this one, Lucy!" Cana said with a drunken smile, pointing her thumb in the direction of the dragon slayer.
"We're not a couple!" Lucy yelled.
"Hey!" Natsu screamed. "Don't talk about me like I'm not here! And what's the answer?"
"You really wanna know this one right, Natsu?" Mira smiled mischievously.
"Well..." the dragon slayer said and - blushed? No, that was probably just Lucy's imagination, the dragon slayer didn't blush, ever. "If I don't like something I don't do it, like riding a train or a car or a boat."
"What if that boat was filled with some really tasty flames?" Mira pointed out.
"Oh? Then, maybe, I dunno..."
"In any case," Erza continued. "What this person hasn't understood is that the most important thing in a relationship, any kind of relationship, is communication. If you don't talk to each other about your likes and dislikes then how are you supposed to trust the other?"
"Like - dirty talk?" Levy asked while nervously putting the tips of her index fingers together.
"Oooo!" Cana said and turned to the script mage with a crooked smile. "You like that don't you?"
"Dirty talk?" Natsu looked questioningly at the exceed. "They mean talking about dirty stuff? Like dirty dishes, dirty clothes and Lucy's kitchen?"
"Hey! My kitchen's not that dirty! Take a look at your own place once in a while will you!"
"Haha!" Cana chuckled. "No, Natsu, this is dirty talk..." And she leaned over to whisper something in Natsu's ear.
The dragon slayer gasped and like the liquid rising in a thermometer, his face turned bright red.
"Why would you want to do that?!" he looked with disgust at the card wielding mage.
"Natsu, what did she say?" the blue exceed asked worriedly.
"S-she..."
"I hope your reaction to Lucy's sweet talk is better than this," Cana laughed and put her hands at her waist.
"Hey wait!" the blond shouted.
"Next question!" Erza demanded and took the magazine from Lucy's hands.
"What does it say?" the script mage asked curiously.
"How do I make my first time special?" the ex-quip mage read. "I'm not too happy with this answer, maybe I should write a notice for the next magazine..."
"You mean send in a note?" Lucy asked while eyeing the redhead suspiciously. Maybe the reason why she knew the exact answers was - "Erza, did you have anything to do with this article?"
"I wrote it," Titania said simply, still not taking her eyes off the magazine.
"What!?" the others gasped simultaneously.
"I wrote it."
"Yes, we heard you!"
"Is there something wrong?" the ex-quip mage said and finally looked up. Her eyes were hard and something about her expression made Lucy shiver down her spine.
"N-no! Of course not!"
"Well then," Erza continued and took out a pen to correct her answer in the magazine while she explained it to the others. "Now, with your first time I'm guessing you mean your first time having penetrative sex? Well, whatever kind of sexual relationship, the hints to give are pretty much the same. Don't expect too much, that's the most important thing to remember. It's your first time so it's going to be something special whatever you do, just make sure to have fun, talk with your partner and be safe."
"Safe?" the dragon slayer said surprised. "Those things Cana said were pretty - um - disgusting but they didn't sound dangerous?"
"Use protection," Erza corrected. "Even though it's your first time, sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy are just as naughty and they don't care whether it's your first or one thousandth time."
"You really know a lot about this, Erza?" the stellar spirit mage said carefully.
"I have read my fair share of bad romance novels..."
"Naughty granny-stories," Lucy thought.
"...to make me doubt the sexual education in this country, so I taught myself and decided to start a column."
"I hope that self-learning included some practical education?" Cana smirked.
"Of course!"
"Wow Erza!" Levy said impressed. "You're so upfront about it! I wish I could be just like that!"
"So how big was he?" Cana asked and winked at the redhead.
"Just the size I like it," Erza said and smiled as she remembered that night. "Now, Cana, there's still something I want to try. Would you be willing to..."
Natsu looked at the five girls around him; Mira smiled just as softly as ever, Levy listened carefully, Cana went on with her harsh language while she drank her beer straight from the barrel, Erza lectured with a straight face and once in a while she flicked her wooden whip in her palm. Carefully, the dragon slayer peeked at the blond girl next to him. Her cheeks wore a light pink colour and her mouth hung slightly open. He thought about what Cana had said earlier, if it had been Lucy who had whispered those things in his ear how would he have reacted?
"You look great in that picture, Lucy" he said to the stellar spirit mage.
"Huh?" she said and turned to look at him. "Oh, thanks!"
She couldn't help but smile at him and he returned her smile with an even greater one, showing off his dragon fangs.
Yes, one day he would want her to whisper those things in his ear.