Don't Look Back
So that was it. His last case with Beckett, finished. No more loose ends to tie up, no more interrogations. No more crime scenes - no more coffees, made just how she liked.
Castle watched as Beckett unpacked the murder board, filing it away neatly into its cardboard box. She absent-mindedly swept a wayward strand of hair away from her face, yet even that simple movement was enough to strike a chord in his heart. No - better to squash those thoughts before they stick, after years of tailing Kate like a love sick puppy, it was finally time to let her go. Picking up his coat from the back of the chair, Castle made his way over to Beckett, attempting a smile as if it could somehow lessen the bitter ache in his chest.
A gentle cough let Kate know that the moment she had been dreading had arrived. Taking a few seconds to compose her features, she mentally took a deep breath and turned from the whiteboard to face him. Oh God - even the sight of him was almost enough to upset her mask of calm. Those broad shoulders, the crinkle of laughter lines around his eyes. Those steadfast eyes that certainly weren't laughing now. "Hey, Castle."
"Beckett." That voice, so soft and safe.. "I just wanted to, um.. well, to say goodbye, I guess."
This was really happening. He was leaving. Beckett busied herself shuffling the already tidy pile of papers, desperately holding onto her thin veil of composure.
"Well, it's been great to have you with us. Really." She cringed inwardly to herself, couldn't she come up with anything better than awkward formality? Three years of working side by side together as a team, narrowly escaping life threatening situations and all she could say was 'it's been great'?
Castle cleared his throat, both of them at a loss for what to say. How could he say goodbye to this magnificent creature, that had entranced and enthralled him since the day they had met? A beautiful mystery, but one who in the end was too wrapped up in a prison of her own making to ever let anyone close to her. He had hoped, and for a minute had thought that they could have made it and overcome her past… But she shut him out, again and again, never able to let down her wall. He had waited for her to be ready, someday. And then he had realised that someday would never come.
"Well… I should be going. Poker night with the guys tonight." He flashed a weak smile, knowing that he would really be spending the long night with a bottle of fine scotch, a sorrowful toast to what could have been.
"Castle," Beckett started, then hesitated, biting her lip. Don't go. Please wait for me. I love y... He turned back, waiting for her to speak. Despite everything, still waiting for that chance. The silence began to fill with things unsaid. But she couldn't do that to him. Couldn't keep stringing him along in the hope that she would one day be ready for what he had to offer. So instead she said, "Thank you. For everything. It won't be the same without you around."
"You'll finally have some peace and quiet," he joked humorlessly. "No pesky writer following you everywhere."
"Yeah," Beckett chimed in, trying to make this conversation more bearable. "I'll have to go to Ryan for my crack pot conspiracy theories."
They shared a small chuckle, then were drawn back to the gravity of the moment.
Castle sighed. "Goodbye, Kate."
Her heart dropped, and Beckett held back a sob at the finality of the statement. "See you, Castle," was all she could manage.
And then he turned and headed towards the elevator, acknowledging Ryan and Esposito across the room with a nod of the head, having already said those goodbyes.
Beckett slumped down behind her desk, watching him go. She desperately wanted to call out, say something, anything to stop Richard Castle from walking out of her life. Her writer, partner, best friend. Mouth half open, and blinking back tears, she said nothing. She couldn't offer him what he wanted, what he deserved. As long as she carried her mother's murder case with her, in the bullet sized hole in her heart, there would be no room for Castle.
He had to fight the urge to turn back every step of the way. Walking away from Beckett was undoubtedly the hardest thing Castle had ever had to do. Heck, diffusing a bomb was easier than this. But it didn't look like Beckett would ever let him past her wall, and he just didn't think he could work with her, day in and day out, without breaking his heart everytime she pulled away from him. Playful banter and moments full of unspoken passion weren't enough anymore. And now there was this offer to promote his books on a world tour, what with Alexis heading off to college in a few short weeks as well, the timing seemed to make perfect sense. Sensible Rick Castle, he scoffed to himself. God, how he wanted to throw sense out the window, turn around and sweep Kate up into his arms, to hell with walls and cold cases, he just wanted to be there beside her, for the rest of their lives. Castle clenched his teeth, and kept walking. One step in front of the other, just don't turn around. He could feel her eyes on him, watching every step taking him further away from her. He knew if he looked back and saw her beautiful eyes asking him to stay, he wouldn't be able to resist. Since their first meeting, Kate Beckett had held a spell over him like no other, and working together all these years had only deepened his love for her. So don't look back, Castle thought with a heavy heart, as he stepped into the elevator. The ground floor button lit up under his finger, his eyes fixed firmly on the floor in front of him.
"Dammit," Beckett muttered angrily as a tear escaped down her cheek. She tried to disguise wiping it away by tucking her hair behind her ear, knowing Ryan and Espo were still watching from the other side of the room. No, no, no - Castle had reached the elevator now, and wouldn't look up to meet her eyes. Wouldn't, or couldn't? She sat stone-faced, wanting to run to him, wanting it to be that simple. But life is complicated, and rarely has a happy ending. She worked homicide for crying out loud, she of all people should know that. The doors were closing. This was it. Why wouldn't he look at her? In one second, those doors would close the chapter on their partnership and he wouldn't even acknowledge it.
There - just as the doors covered his face, Castle's eyes wrenched themselves from the floor and caught hers for a split second.
And then he was gone.
No time for anything to pass between them, just an instant of meaningless connection. A stolen glance, a moment frozen in time.
Beckett rose from her desk, numb. Breathe, keep it together. She walked around her desk, past his chair. She crossed the floor and slipped into one of the empty interrogation rooms. And broke down, into heart-wrenching sobs. He was really, truly gone.
Twenty minutes later, Beckett emerged from the room, thankful that most of the officers had gone home for the day. She declined Espo and Ryan's offer of a drink, and they thankfully didn't press her or mention her reddened eyes. Esposito patted her arm consolingly, and Ryan offered "We'll miss him too," before they headed out the door. Beckett packed up her things in the blissfully empty precinct. It would be strange, not having Castle around everyday. She would miss his insane theories and his quirky comments. His laugh, and the way he knew just what to say to make her feel better, sometimes without needing to say anything at all. The tender way he had looked at her when he'd thought she wasn't watching. Heading out of the precinct with a small sigh, Kate knew that Castle would always hold a small space in her heart. Always.