Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon or any of its franchise.
A/N: So, this entire fic is complete and utter crack. Perhaps slightly squicky crack. Just a warning.
I got this idea actually during the beginning phases of writing one of my main stories, "The Survival of Hope", but never wrote it until now. However, this story is absolutely not connected to that one at all, and both Dragomon and Daemon's characterizations are almost nothing like how I would write them in a serious story. If Kari seems OOC, this is due to her situation, which I'm sure anyone would act quite differently if in it. This story is not meant to be taken seriously whatsoever.
Also, this uses the knowledge that in episode 13 of 02, the reason Kari was brought to the Dark Ocean was essentially so she could become queen/mate to the Undersea Master/denizens of the Dark Ocean. Squick right there. This was obviously cut out of the English dub.
This story is also rather blatantly Takari.
Last note, chromatophores are adaptive coloration organs on squid that allow for camouflage - basically, changing color. I've seen a dying squid that lost control over those and was basically flashing. It was kind of sad, actually.
Um... enjoy the crack?
Dragomon's day began well enough. He had a pleasant dream about filling the Digiworld with his particular brand of darkness and taking over the land, and awoke to the wonderful sound of one of the prisoners being tortured. He supposed this meant he would need to see how the interrogation was coming after he ate his morning meal (an exotic rice porridge with fish), before continuing on to his other duties of ruling the Dark Ocean and crushing any signs of rebellion.
The only problem he had with awakening was his wife.
She had been quiet enough at first, after kidnapping her from her home and forcing her to marry him, but he had assumed she would grow to accept the darkness, despite her being a great beacon of light. After some time, she had warmed up a little bit, actually responding with a more than bitter "Good morning, my lord," but then it had become… difficult.
For one, she was human. Which meant that she had a mind of her own and a strong will when she applied it.
For another, she also happened to be the holder of the Crest of Light, the very thing that had prompted his choosing her as his queen. The problem with this was that when she discovered she had powers along with it, she had grown quite defiant and stopped obeying him. It did not help that he often could do little to stop her.
And finally, and this he knew for fact, she was attracted to the rebel leader.
Dragomon yawned and rolled off of the bed, stretching his tentacles to the ceiling. "A pleasant morning to you, my queen," he stated.
On the other side of the bed, surrounded in a protective barrier of light of her own making, Kari shoved her head under her pillow in an obvious attempt to ignore him.
He rolled his eyes. "My queen, you should at least respond when I address you."
"I'm sleepy, and the room being dark doesn't help. I'm staying here."
He frowned. Surely, she knew that such duties as overseeing the interrogation of the rebel prisoner was far more important than such an insignificant mortal need as sleep?
"You will awaken and come with me to the dining hall, where we shall feast upon fish and other such delectables from our realm, and then you will accompany me to the interrogation of the prisoner," he announced in an orderly manner. Hopefully that should be sufficiently respectful.
She didn't move.
"I'm not in the mood right now, I'll join you later," she mumbled, her head still buried beneath her pillow.
Dragomon was displeased.
"You will join me now," he commanded, beginning to feel his anger rise. Calm yourself, he told himself slowly. No need to destroy the bedroom like last time. "You are my wife, and therefore you will be obedient to my demands."
Kari actually withdrew her head from the pillow and gazed up at him with bleary, irritated eyes.
"And you are a pedophile, considering I'm not even the age of consent and you're however old you are being god of the Dark Ocean," she shot back angrily. "So I don't need to obey you, I'll continue sleeping here, thank you very much."
Dragomon nearly broke the nearby window in frustration.
"You will be punished later," he answered sternly, reaching out with a tentacle. "Now you can either come willingly with me, or I will drag you to the dining room myself."
Her response was to shoot bolts of light at his eyes.
The resulting fight demolished the bedroom.
And it was still the beginning of the day.
Dragomon won that fight, so he dragged his unwilling queen downstairs to the dining room, using the darkness to restrain her to her chair. He however, was now sporting a couple of bruises and the chromatophores on the side of his head were refusing to shift colors to a regular grey, and were now pulsating rather violently green.
He devoured his favorite rice and fish porridge (he kept his decorum though; after all, he was ruler an entire realm, he had to appear at least somewhat polite), grumbling about the infuriating problems of underwater camouflage and glancing every now and then at his wife. She looked unhappy, to say the least, and had barely touched her meal.
"Lord Dragomon!"
Dragomon looked up to face the creature he considered his general. "At ease, minion," he replied. "The report?"
The dark being saluted him. "Interrogation of the prisoner has failed so far, my lord. Lord Daemon's usual techniques have not managed to pull any useful information about the rebels or their leader."
Dragomon frowned at this. Daemon usually broke every prisoner he touched, which meant this prisoner had a very strong will. "Continue."
"Rebels still maintain control over both Gailme towers, which will cause difficulty for us in recapturing that sector of the surface city. Forces are currently at a standstill. The seal between this realm and the Digiworld was found strengthened as of two hours ago, despite our efforts in destroying it. We suspect a certain Ken Ichijouchi of using the darkness to renew that seal. Denizens of the Vale are complaining of a food shortage - "
Dragomon waved him off. "What care I of a food shortage? No one dies of starvation in this realm. I'll simply increase the density of the darkness in this realm, that should do easily. As for Ichijouchi, I will strangle him with my own tentacles once we finally break through to the other world. Blasted child, I was the one who awoke the Dark Spore within him..."
He turned towards Kari, who had seemed quietly interested in the report. "You, my queen, I command you to use your light and open the gateway to the Digiworld."
She glared at him. "I refuse."
"I will personally torture and kill that prisoner if you do not obey."
Arrows of light rained down at his head.
Breakfast was quickly forgotten and the dining room soon filled with wreckage.
Kari won that fight, and Dragomon, in a rage, slithered off towards the dungeons to meet with the prisoner. To his surprise, Kari followed him, having broken free from the chair earlier (more like, the chair was destroyed during their fight), but he knew this would only make things more difficult.
"Why do you feel a need to see this prisoner with me?" he snarled as he heard her footsteps behind him.
She shrugged. "Oh, because as you said, it's part of my 'duties' as queen of the realm," she replied in a snarky, biting tone.
He held up his tentacles at her in preparation for an attack. "Well, those are only on my terms, and right now, you have been relieved of those duties."
"Why are you preparing to defend yourself? Are you expecting me to attack you now or something?"
"You spend much of your time attempting to kill me, I think I have every right to defend myself."
"Well good, maybe you realize now it wasn't such a great idea to kidnap me and force me to marry you."
Dragomon grit his teeth. If only you lacked this willpower and scathing tongue, maybe it would not be so infuriating.
He let a ripple of his power spread through the undersea castle, letting his guards know he wanted the queen taken away and placed in solitary confinement. They would respond immediately (after all, if the punishment for not doing so was death).
Kari apparently felt it.
"You're summoning the guards on me again," she stated plaintively.
Intelligent girl. "Yes," he answered, strongly vexed. "You are disobedient, unruly, disrespectful, rebellious, and everything else I was hoping to quash within you. As I cannot kill you, I have no choice but to discipline you with every method I can think of until you finally submit your will unto me."
"Maybe if you became a kind ruler and stopped trying to conquer or destroy everything that I cared about, I would be a little nicer."
"Ha! Those realms belong under the rule of darkness, and all dissidents shall be crushed beneath my might."
"Lord Dragomon, you summoned us?"
He was relieved. Finally the guards had arrived. "Yes, take the queen into solitary confinement. I will deal with her after I am done with my business with the rebel prisoner."
"Um, this is slightly impossible right now, my lord."
Dragomon whirled around, and realized that the guard was indeed correct. Kari had surrounded herself in a shield of light that covered her like a protective bubble, pushing through anything she moved against. She herself seemed to be ignoring all efforts by the guards to obey their lord's command, blithely continuing forward as though aware that she was infuriating him.
With a growl, he summoned the darkness to do his bidding. "Stand back, guards," he spoke as a warning.
Then he unleashed the attack at his wayward wife.
The shield managed to endure it, though not without some damage to the stone walls.
Kari proceeded to fire a light beam in his general direction.
The trip to the dungeons was delayed for several minutes.
Technically, Dragomon won that fight, but as Kari's shield refused to die, and he realized that Daemon would likely break the prisoner into a blubbering insane mess if he delayed any longer, he had finally given up and stormed down, the girl still following him as he went. The guards came too, if at least to attempt to bring the queen under control.
"You seem to have brought an entourage today," Daemon commented when Dragomon finally appeared in the torture chambers with Kari and several guards in tow.
Dragomon only grumbled as he pulled his way forward. The chromatophores on the side of his head were pulsating between orange and black now. "I hope you have not broken the prisoner."
"Oh no, though I believe I'm rather close."
The prisoner, a strong looking digimon with blue fur and a streamlined, seal-like figure, seemed exhausted and significantly weakened from Daemon's treatment. He glared at them as best he could from his position chained to the wall, though his gaze softened the moment he saw Kari, still surrounded in her shield of light.
Dragomon nodded to Daemon. "If I may."
Daemon bowed politely. "Be my guest."
Dragomon stepped forward as regally as he could, despite the fact that his chromatophores were no longer working properly and made half of his head flash like a neon Halloween sign. "So then, you refuse to cooperate," he announced in a dangerous tone, cold and calculatingly malicious. "Do you realize that you will either die or lose your sanity should you continue this path?"
"Yes," the digimon responded proudly, holding his head high in a show of defiance. "I would gladly die with the information I have then give it to an evil being like you."
Dragomon's eyes narrowed. "I know all that occurs within this realm," his voice boomed threateningly. "I know your leader is the Digidestined called TK Takaishi. I know that the rebels are aiming to control the surface city. I know that you – why do you laugh?"
The digimon was attempting desperately not to smile. Dragomon quickly assumed that it had something to do with his queen, and twisted to glare angrily at her. Indeed, he realized, at her sly grin and the rebellious glint in her eyes, she must have been gesturing behind him.
Well, then hopefully this would make her behave.
Dragomon reached forward with a tentacle towards the digimon prisoner.
The tentacle met a barrier of light.
"Guards," he spoke, barely able to contain his anger, "The queen must be taken into solitary confinement immediately, else someone will be soon losing their lives."
"Yes my lord!"
"And Daemon, assist me please."
Kari's responded by creating a spear of light in midair and aiming it at Dragomon's forehead.
This was really, really not his day.
Dragomon, with Daemon's help, managed to subdue Kari completely, but not before she managed to free the prisoner, destroy the guards, and demolish the entire torture chamber. Now he was left with no prisoner, as he had apparently managed to escape from the castle, and no torture chamber. He was fairly annoyed with that, after all torture equipment was not exactly cheap. He was also fairly sure that his chromatophores by now must have lost all ability to maintain one color and were creating rainbow patterns all over his body.
He now sat in the throne room, with Daemon barely keeping the irate girl under control.
"YOU IDIOTIC, REBELLIOUS, DISOBEDIENT GIRL!" he screamed at her. "I GIVE YOU POWER BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION, A POSITION BY MY SIDE AS QUEEN, AND YOU REPAY ME BY THIS? I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS! I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW I EVER WISHED YOU AS MY WIFE!"
Kari winced slightly. "You never gave me choice, and I didn't want to be your wife in the first place. This is what you get when you force someone who is technically your enemy to marry you."
Dragomon glared at her. "Because of your light. You are the embodiment of light, and as such the perfect match to my darkness."
"Uh, no. This is where opposites really don't attract, because if you really wanted someone who was a perfect match, you would have found someone with the same ideals as you first," she answered patiently, seemingly ignoring the fact that Daemon was practically sitting on her with his Evil Inferno prepared in one claw. "You don't choose someone because you want it to 'complete your darkness' and you want to make yourself feel powerful or whatever."
Dragomon narrowed his eyes. "I don't understand you. You could have power and authority, rule over all lands, and you don't want it? I thought perhaps I could conquer you, but the light within you makes that nigh impossible at this point."
Kari groaned. "You don't conquer your wife! Jeez, how desperate were you? And did you think your idea of marriage would work in the first place, I mean how happy are you?"
Dragomon grumbled, staring at the floor. "Not very."
She smiled at him cheerfully. "Good! Neither am I. Let's get a divorce."
There was dead silence in the room as both digimon gaped at her.
"Such a thing is unheard of!" Dragomon cried out, his tentacles flailing about in the air. "The ruler of the realm dismissing his wife? Never! I would rather have the queen executed for treason first!"
Kari blanched slightly, if only because everything she had done was probably more than reasonable grounds for treason. "Listen, you're not happy, I'm not happy. I want to kill you, and you likely want to kill me out of annoyance, since you've launched more than one attack at me first. So plain and simple, we get a divorce, we go back to our own happy lives, and then we're welcome to try to kill each other as much as we like without holding back. Besides, I've been sneaking out to see TK, so technically I've been cheating on you for a while."
Dragomon's eye twitched.
"Done. Daemon, fetch the marriage papers."
"And so now, with these signatures and myself as witness, I now hereby pronounce this marriage annulled and thee both separate. Good luck to both of you," Daemon finished, and he lowered his right claw.
Kari and Dragomon glanced at each other.
"Thank you Daemon," Kari addressed the fallen angel digimon. "And Dragomon, it was fun being your wife. No hard feelings, and we'll try to kill each other like civilized beings when we meet on the battle field."
"I look forward to it."
And then she was out the door of the hall and gone.
Dragomon and Daemon watched her go.
"It's too bad she insisted on the 'one day of ceasefire' clause," Daemon noted absently. "It would have been so much easier to destroy her here and be done with it."
Dragomon shook his head, hoping that his chromatophores would recover function soon. "Oh no, I allowed that clause. I want to see her next to that boy on the battle field. It will make destroying the rebellion all that much more sweet."
"TK, I'm free!"
TK dropped the map and battle plans he had been poring over. "Kari! You're – you're here, during the daytime, Dragomon – you're free?"
She nodded, ecstatic as she ran forward and embraced him. "Yes! I convinced him to get a divorce, and he actually agreed!"
TK's eyes widened in shock. For a moment, he sat there gaping, his mouth moving but no words escaping as he seemed lost for something to say. Then he gave up completely and kissed her.
It was quite some time before they separated, waving cheerfully the extremely amused crowd of rebels that had gathered the moment Kari had burst into the battle room.
"Uh, don't mind us commander," one of the digimon shouted, as another one next to him whistled. He smacked his companion.
TK and Kari laughed.
"Oh yeah, we also get one day of ceasefire, so we can use that to arrange for reinforcements now, right?" Kari informed TK, smiling a little.
He grinned. "With you back here, we can open a hole in the seal and get the rest of the gang here. Or maybe..."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE REBELS ALL WENT ON VACATION TO THE HUMAN WORLD? WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THEY OPENED UP THE GATEWAY OUT OF THIS REALM, NOW WE CAN'T GET OUT AND THEY'LL REINFORCE THE SEAL FROM THE OTHER SIDE AND NOW WE CAN'T EVEN GO THERE AND KILL THEM - "
Owari~