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Summary: Dennis just found the perfect friend, and Dee's all set to use Mac's jealousy to ruin it. One-shot. Slight MacDennis

Notes: This is kind of AU in the fact that Dennis and Mac aren't living with Dee. Forgive me, but it helped my flow.

"Guys!" Mac called, walking quickly into the bar. "I've got news! I've got huge news!"

Dee stopped wiping down the bar to look at him and roll her eyes. Charlie and Frank both looked up eagerly from where they had their heads together, clearly plotting something.

As soon as Mac got to the bar he stopped and looked around him, frowning. "Where's Dennis?"

Dee was the first to shrug. "Probably off being a d-bag somewhere."

"Yeah, who cares, dude?" Charlie said, waving a hand in the air. "What's your thing? What's the news?"

"No, no, no!" Mac exclaimed, forming an "X" in front of him with his arms. "This is all wrong! Completely wrong! Dennis needs to be here for this. We can wait for him. We'll just wait," Mac decided with a nod of his head. He went to sit on one of the barstools before turning to Dee. "Get me a beer, bird."

"Get it yourself, dickbag," Dee answered as she took a swing of her own beer and went back to wiping down the bar.

"Now wait a minute. Wait just a minute," Frank said, turning in his seat to glare at Mac. "You can't just come in here, getting us all excited about this new thing, and then make us wait however the hell long it takes Dennis to get back here."

"Yeah, dude," Charlie said. "Dennis went out with his new friend or whatever anyway. He told us not to wait up."

"Woah, woah," Mac said, hopping off his barstool and putting his hands up. "Dennis has a new friend? Who? Who?" he asked, his eyes widening as he advanced on Charlie.

"Oh, what's the matter, Mac?" Dee asked patronizingly. "You jealous Dennis found someone to hang out with that isn't you?"

Mac immediately whirled onto her. "No, Dee," he said, pointing his finger at her. "Dennis can do whatever he wants. I'm not jealous at all."

Mac Gets Jealous

Mac waited until the front door to his apartment closed before he flipped on the light to the standing lamp he had gone out to buy specifically for this occasion. "It's awfully late for you to be getting home, don't you think?" he asked as Dennis froze in his tracks.

"Not really? I mean, it's only," Dennis glanced at his watch, "one o'clock. That's kind of an early night for me. What were you doing sitting in the dark?" He pointed towards the lamp by Mac's chair. "What's with the new lamp?"

"What was I doing?" Mac asked, looking at Dennis with wide eyes as he pointed to his chest. "I wasn't doing much. Just waiting for a call from the police telling me that they found your dead body in a ditch," he answered, "because I knew you wouldn't be alive and healthy when you weren't returning any of my texts."

"Oh. What texts, Mac?" Dennis asked sarcastically, pulling out his phone and shaking it at his roommate. "These texts? Are these the texts?" he asked before reading them off on his phone. "'Hey, bro, where are you?' 'Hey, bro, Die Hard tonight?' 'Are you okay?' 'Where are you?' 'Hey, bro, seriously if you're dead you need to let me know.'" Dennis stuffed his phone back in his pocket before looking at Mac with raised eyebrows.

"What?" Mac finally asked. "Die Hard's not that bad, dude."

"How am I supposed to tell you I'm dead if I'm dead, Mac?" Dennis snapped. "How dumb are you? Jesus, I'm surrounded by idiots!" he yelled before stomping off to his room and slamming the door closed behind him.

"I don't like that attitude, mister!" Mac shouted back before taking off after him. "And you are not allowed to run away when we're in the middle of a fight!" He tried to rip Dennis's door open only to discover that it was locked. "That's called avoidance and it's not healthy and if you don't unlock this door right now I'm going to break it down!"

"You're going to break it down? Oh, yeah, I believe that one," Dennis shouted from behind his door. "Go ahead, Mac. Break it down!"

"You don't think I'll do it? I will! I'm going to break this door, dude."

"Yeah, Mac, fine. Do it. I'm standing right here. I wanna see you do it."

"Oh, I'm going to do it, dude," Mac declared before bringing up his foot and smashing the sole of his shoe into the door. There was a slight bang as the door shuddered before resting back in place.

"Oh, gosh, Mac, that was so good," Dennis replied sarcastically. "My door's definitely broken now. Yeah, totally,"

"That was my practice kick!" Mac yelled back before kicking the door several times in quick succession. "We," kick, "really," kick, "have strong," kick, "wood, dude."

"Oh, yeah, Mac, I'm sure that's the reason you can't get into my room," Dennis replied, smirking at the dresser he had pushed up against his door. "Couldn't possibly be because you're weak, could it?"

"It's-it's gotta be made from ebony or something, dude," Mac said, running his hands across the wood in front of him. "I've just gotta find a weak point and then I can break it down. Or I can, like, break the hinges instead, maybe? Or, maybe I'm using the wrong kick. I can do, like, a backwards kick, and that would give me more momentum."

"Alight, Mac, that's enough," Dennis said, finally opening up his door so he could roll his eyes at Mac. "What is this about, hm? I gotta ask your permission every time I go out now? Is that it?" He crossed his arms and leaned against his doorway as he waited for an answer.

"I was just worried about you, dude," Mac replied after several seconds of silence. "I mean, you didn't even tell me you were going out. I'm usually the first person you tell if you've got a scheme going on, or if you've got a hot date, or if you're going to the grocery store, or whatever," he said, realizing that he was rambling. "I'm the first person you tell, is my point. And now? Now you're not even going to reply to my texts, dude?" he whined.

"I," Dennis started, tilting his head and rubbing his chin. "I met someone."

"You … met someone?" Mac asked slowly, raising his eyebrows at Dennis. "Like … a female-"

"A friend," Dennis interrupted. "He's just a friend. It's not a big deal."

"Not a big deal," Mac repeated slowly, staring into space.

"Look, Mac," Dennis replied, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder as he looked at him. "I don't want this turning into a thing, alright?"

Mac blinked several times before focusing on his roommate. "A thing? Oh, yeah, bro. No, it's not a thing, dude."

MGJ

"So, I had to break down his door, right? And, trust me, I smashed that thing good," Mac explained to Charlie. "And, by the way, the doors in our apartment are made completely from ebony, dude."

"Ebony?" Charlie asked, looking up from where he had been setting up more rat traps. "Is that, like, a bow for your knees, dude? 'Cause that's a really good idea. It'd really free up your hands when you're shooting bows."

"What? No," Mac replied, blinking at him. "Okay, first, you don't shoot the bow, dude, you shoot the arrows."

Charlie rose up from his steeped-over position, his interest now peaked. "Well, what do you shoot the arrows with then?"

"A bow."

"So," Charlie started slowing, trying to figure it out. "You do shoot bows?"

"What? No, Charlie, you don't-" Mac started. "There's only one bow, dude. Singular. Not plural."

"If I have two knees why wouldn't I have two bows?" Charlie asked, tilting his head at Mac. "It seems really inefficient to only have one bow."

"Wha-?" Mac replied before remembering the start of the conversation and shaking his head. "There are no bows for your knees, Charlie! They don't exist! Ebony is a wood! Can we keep focused here? Please?"

"Sure, Mac, yeah, sure," Charlie promised him. "But, just so we're clear here, those bow-knee-things don't exist, right? So they're open to … you know … invent or whatever?"

"Yeah, whatever, dude," Mac replied before jumping right back into his story. "So, I broke down his door, right? Completely smashed it. And I told Dennis, I was like, 'Dude, you should be happy you didn't die tonight, dude,' and he says to me, he says-"

"Wait, wait, I'm confused," Charlie said, putting a hand up to stop Mac. "Why would Dennis have died? Did he come across a giant rat or something? Or, like, did he fall in a sewer? Or maybe-?"

"What? No, Charlie," Mac said, sighing, "people don't just fall into sewers. That's what the manhole covers are for."

"They're not as sturdy as you'd think, Mac."

Mac choose to ignore him as he followed him back upstairs to the bar. "So, Dennis is really happy, right? Because I just saved his life, you know? So, he's falling all over himself thanking me. There might have even been a few tears. No," he decided, "there were definitely some tears. Of appreciation, you know?"

"Was he really crying?" Charlie asked, following behind Mac. "Because he does do that thing with the onion, remember."

"They were real tears, Charlie!" Mac snapped. "Can you just listen to the story? Please? Stop interrupting me!"

"I just want some clarification, Mac," Charlie explained. "Your stories are really confusing."

"They're only confusing because you don't-" He stopped as soon as he heard Dennis's voice floating down from the bar.

"I'm in love, Dee. Like, seriously, I'm feeling something, and I'm pretty sure it's love. It feels like love."

"Dennis, listen, I really don't give a shit, okay?" Dee snapped back. "Can you just, I don't know, be happy someplace that isn't around me? You're making me nauseous."

"Well, no, because he's supposed to be meeting me here," Dennis said. "We're supposed to go to this Lamborghini car show. Can you believe it? I told him my dream car and a phone call later we have tickets. Can you believe it? You can't, can you? Oh, my God, Dee, I'm so in love."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Mac said, finally crashing through the bar to stop beside Dennis. "He's coming here? He's not allowed here, dude! This is our place!"

Dennis turned to glare at him. "He's allowed to be wherever and do whatever he wants, Mac," he snapped. "And since when do we not let people into our bar? The point of a bar is to bring people here so we can then take their money in exchange for alcohol! That's the point, Mac! Or do you not understand that?"

"I know the point of a bar, Dennis!" Mac snapped back. "I'm just not comfortable with your … your …"

"My what?" Dennis asked, glaring at Mac. "My friend? You're uncomfortable with my friend coming into my bar?"

"It's not just your bar, Dennis! I own some of it, too!" Mac pointed out. "And-"

"Hey-ho, pokey-oh!" a man said, coming into the bar swinging his hips.

He looked, Mac observed, disturbingly like Dennis. He was a bit skinnier perhaps, and his hair was greased to the side in a straight part. He also had black, plastic framed glasses. But everything else was the same: same chiseled jawline, same fantastic cheekbones, same hair color, same height, same eye color. If Mac didn't know any better he'd say he was looking at a younger, geekier version of Dennis.

"Henry! Buddy!" Dennis greeted with a large smile. He jumped off of his barstool and strode over to wrap the other man in a hug. "You're early! I haven't had time, well, I look a little of a mess right now. I know I do," he said bashfully as he stepped away from his friend.

"Oh, honey, you look absolutely terrific," Henry readily said, waving a hand in Dennis's direction. "Why, I don't think you could look bad if you tried. But, I always love a good excuse to go shopping," he continued, flicking his wrist at Dennis. "I know we were planning on getting a drink here, but we totally have enough time for a little shopping adventure instead."

"Oh, I don't think," Dennis began, looking up at Henry despite them being the same height. "I mean, I just don't think that's really in my budget, I mean-"

"Say, no more, honey-bunny," Henry said, extending his elbow for Dennis to latch onto. "This is an all-expenses-paid shopping excursion courtesy of yours truly. And I know just the place to go first."

"Henry, you are too wonderful, do you know that?" Dennis asked. He turned to glare at Mac one more time before taking the offered elbow and letting himself be led out the door.

"Is that guy a gay guy?" Mac asked as soon as the door to the bar closed.

"Yep," Dee answered before taking a swig of her beer and turning away.

Mac turned to Charlie. "Is that a gay guy Dennis said he's in love with?"

Charlie just shrugged. "Live and let live."

"No, dude, we can't 'live and let live'!" Mac snapped. "If we don't stop him then Dennis is going to end up in hell for all eternity! As his best friend I can't let that happen, dude!"

Charlie gave him a look. "Are you sure this is about Dennis not going to hell? Because it seems more like a jealousy thing."

"I'm not jealous, dude!"

"You look fierce, boy!" Henry exclaimed as soon as Dennis stepped out from the dressing room.

He was wearing a black collared shirt, with an extremely low neckline and very short short-sleeves. His pants were a light, faded blue, and tight. Henry couldn't help but lick his lips at the sight of Dennis's ass as he twirled around for him.

"And absolutely edible," Henry added with a smile. "You're going to distract everyone from the Lamborghinis in that outfit."

Dennis smiled at him before running his hands down his body. "I am feeling pretty sexy in this," Dennis admitted. "It really shows off my pecs," he said, staring at himself in the full body mirror.

"Not to mention that tight ass of yours," Henry added, emphasizing his compliment with a smack on Dennis's ass. "I do believe everyone there is going to be jealous that I'm the one on your arm."

"Yeah?" Dennis asked, fixing his collar as he kept staring at himself. "The pants do show off a lot of my best features," he said, craning his neck to look at his butt. "Bet I can bring a model home in these bad boys." He looked over at Henry. "There will be models there, right? Can't have a good car show without some girls with big cans, amirite?" he asked with a laugh.

Henry clenched his teeth behind his stiff smile. "Most models at car shows are lesbians," he explained before raising a single eyebrow at Dennis. "Did you not know that?"

Dennis turned to stare at him with wide eyes. "Lesbians," he breathed out. "That is," he started before twirling back around to look at himself in the mirror again. He ran his hands over his shirt, making sure it was straight. "That is just unbelievably fantastic," he finished with a smile. "Two for the price of one, eh?" he asked, turning to look at Henry.

Henry tried and failed not to narrow his eyes. He replied in a quiet voice, ensuring that the other man couldn't hear him. "If that's how it works then I only need to add a woman to get you into bed."

"What about shoes?" Dennis asked, turning to face him after glancing down at his shoes. "I feel like new shoes would really make this outfit. Give me a fresh look."

"Well, if my baby wants shoes then my baby gets shoes," Henry replied, giving him a soft smile and extending his arm for Dennis to grab hold of.

Dennis smiled back, hooking his arm through Henry's as he walked away from the dressing rooms. He didn't bother to even grab his old clothes. A store this expensive had people to do that for him, Dennis was sure of it.

"Definitely need to get you some black boots. I'm thinking pointed toe," Henry said. He led them over to the register. "I know the absolute perfect place to go, and, clearly the shopping goddesses are smiling upon us today, because it's not far from here at all. We definitely have time to make a quick trip before the car show starts."

"That sounds fantastic," Dennis replied with a smile. "Honestly, this is all just fantastic. Meeting you might have literally been the best day of my life."

"Well, this day is just awful," Dee ranted to Charlie. "Why does Dennis always work the prostitute angle? I'm the girl! I should be the one working the prostitute angle!"

"Ah, but you can't, Dee," Charlie replied as he plunged a urinal in the men's room. "You don't have the hips for it."

"What the hell do you mean, 'I don't have the hips for it'?" Dee snapped. "Dennis is a dude! I have much better hips than him!"

"Dennis has very graceful hips, Dee," Charlie replied matter-of-factly. "That's just genetics."

"We're twins!"

"Well, then he stole all the good genes in the womb!" Charlie snapped, dropping the plunger to the floor. "I don't know what you want me to say here, Dee! Dennis has sensual hips; you don't. Don't blame me just because you've never noticed before!"

"My hips are very sensual!" Dee whined in a high pitched voice as she followed Charlie out of the bathroom.

Charlie shook his head and sighed. "No, Dee, you have very bony hips. And bony hips can't be sensual. It's like a rule."

"That is not a rule, Charlie," Dee snapped before looking down at her hips and frowning. "And even if it was, my hips are not bony. They're elegant."

"Bony hips can't be elegant either, Dee," Charlie said as he went to the bar and got himself a beer. "You really got let this go."

Dee glared at him before stalking off towards the office. "I'll show you who has bony hips," she muttered to herself. She smiled as soon as she saw Mac in the office and closed the door behind her. "Hey ya, Mac! How's it going! That's too bad about Dennis, huh?"

Mac looked up from where he had been doodling on some paper. "Huh? What about Dennis? I don't care about Dennis," he replied quickly.

"Right, yeah, I know that," Dee said, shaking her head as she came over to sit on the side of the desk. "But, I mean, it's just too bad that he's, you know, going to hell. For fraternizing with the gays." She looked up at the ceiling as she shrugged. "Too bad he doesn't have a best friend to bail him out of this one," she said before sighing.

Mac looked up at her, dropping the pencil he had been writing with onto the desk. "That does kind of seem like something a best friend should do."

"Oh, yeah, of course," Dee agreed, nodding her head. "Shoot, I think anyone who did that for Dennis would cinch that best friend title for sure."

Mac scoffed at her. "Don't try to manipulate me, Dee. I know what you're doing, and it's not going to work. Dennis burned me, Dee. He burned me," he complained, standing up as he slammed his fist onto the desk. "I don't care if I'm not his best friend anymore. He's already not mine. But-!" He put a finger to his chin as he paced around the room. "I think it's clear to see who the bigger man here is, and as the bigger man, it's my duty to keep my ex-best friend to going to hell." He turned towards Dee. "So, I will help him, but not because I want to be best friends again."

All it took was for Dee to nod before Mac ran off. Dee rolled her eyes as the office door slammed shut. "This shit is way too easy," she muttered to herself.

"I had her!" Dennis exclaimed, driving his fist into his palm. "She was putty in my hands. You saw, right? Yeah, you saw. Then I went to get us drinks and she just -poof-" Dennis said, snapping his fingers together. "She just vanished. That's rude and impolite. I think I deserve more than that. I deserve an explanation at least," he ranted.

Henry nodded his head, content to keep quiet about the fact that he had been the one to run her off. "Of course you deserve more than that, sugar. So much more than that," he said, rubbing up and down Dennis's arm. "She didn't deserve you anyway. You could find someone so much better."

Dennis nodded. "Yeah, I could," he agreed. "Someone prettier. And with bigger boobs. And did you see her shirt?"

"Did not match her shoes at all," Henry finished for him. "You don't need that kind of tastelessness in your life."

"Right! Exactly!" Dennis agreed. "She wouldn't know style if it came up and bit her on her too flat ass."

"That's the spirit, darling!" Henry congratulated with a smile.

They were just leaving the car show. Henry had finally managed to ensure that Dennis was coming home alone with him. Which was no easy feet with the amount of girls Dennis had insisted on hitting on. But, it was something that Henry had accomplished, and for that he was quite proud of himself.

"I don't know who that bitch thinks she is anyway," Dennis continued to rant. "Turning down me? Me? The bitch! She should feel lucky that I even decided to look at her."

"Too true," Henry replied throwing an arm around Dennis's shoulders. "You deserve to feel appreciated. And you deserved to be pampered. You need someone who knows just how special you are."

Dennis perked up and couldn't hold back a smile. "Yeah, I do, don't I?" He replied, relaxing his head against Henry's shoulder. "God, man, you just get me, you know that?"

"Dennis! Hey, Dennis! Wait up!"

Dennis sighed as he heard Mac's voice behind him. "We better stop," he muttered to Henry. "He'll never stop shouting if we don't."

"Dennis, thank god I found you," Mac said, breathing heavily as he jogged up to him. "Listen, bro," he started just to put his hands on his knees and stare at the ground. "Just-just give me a minute," he asked, holding up a finger as he tried to get his breath to even out. "I ran-ran all the way here."

Dennis frowned at him. "We're half a mile from the bar, Mac."

"Yeah, well … I have a lot ... of mass," Mac explained between huffs of breath.

Henry raised an eyebrow at him. "Well, he isn't wrong," he said, pursing his lips.

"Yeah, I know," Mac replied, straightening up and looking at the man hanging off his best friend's shoulder. "I'm really strong. So don't push me, okay, bozo?"

Dennis stepped in between them. "Okay, that's enough," he snapped. "Mac, I'm sure this can just wait until I get home, right?" he asked, giving his friend a pointed look.

"No, Dennis, it really can't," Mac replied. "Listen, I know we're on the outs, but that doesn't mean I'm not your best friend. And, as your best friend, it's my duty to tell you that you're making a huge mistake, dude!"

Dennis rubbed his forehead as he let out a loud sigh. "And what mistake would that be, Mac?"

Mac waved as hand towards Henry. "This fag's trying to turn you gay, dude!"

"Excuse me!" Henry exclaimed. "That is very offensive!"

"Yeah, it is!" Dennis agreed loudly. "No one can turn me gay, Mac! Henry just appreciates me, that's all. Something you wouldn't know anything about!"

"What? I appreciate you!" Mac shouted. "When have I not appreciated you?!"

"You don't appreciate me the way Henry does!" Dennis complained. "I finally found someone who makes me happy! It's not my fault that person isn't you!"

"You can't seriously be telling me that this fag makes you happy?" Mac asked, pointing over to Henry.

"Okay, that's enough of that!" Henry exclaimed before turning to Dennis. "You can't possibly keep allowing this neanderthal to call me that!"

Dennis turned to him with a frown. "Calling you what? A fag? Well, if the fairy slipper fits, amirite?" he asked, laughing uproariously as he high fived Mac.

"Yeah!" Mac agreed, laughing. "You're so gay your asshole has an asshole!"

Dennis high fived his friend again. "You're so gay you have a closet dedicated to leather pants!"

"You're so gay your blood type is AIDS, and you're about to die from it and go to hell!" Mac shouted, laughing. When he held up his hand for another high-five Dennis just frowned at him.

"That was," he started, scratching at his temple. "That might have gone off in a little bit of a darker direction than I was planning."

Mac shrugged at him. "Sorry, dude, I just got caught up in it, I guess."

"Overexcited, yeah, I get that, buddy," Dennis replied, nodding at him. "It happens to the best of us."

"Are you serious?" Henry exclaimed pointing over to Mac. "This asshole just told me I have AIDS, and I'm going to hell. And that's a forgivable thing to you?"

Dennis shrugged at him. "Well, I mean, you DID tell me it's been awhile since you were checked; that's why we used a condom. And you can't prove that you aren't going to hell, so …" He shrugged again. "I guess I don't see the problem."

Henry widened his eyes before glaring at Dennis. "You … you are a horrible fucking person. The both of you! And I don't need to take this!" he exclaimed before stomping his foot and stalking off.

"He even throws tantrums like a fag," Mac laughed.

Dennis laughed back. "I know that's right."

Mac turned to look at his best friend. "You … Did you do butt stuff with that guy?" he asked, frowning.

"Butt stuff? What? Pft, no," Dennis answered quickly. "Of course we didn't. I'm totally straight, dude."

"Then, what'd you need a condom for?" Mac asked, continuing to frown.

"That was a-" Dennis replied before changing tactics. He slapped Mac on the back before throwing his arm around his friend's shoulders. "Say, why don't we go home, buddy? Hey, I heard you made another Project Badass video," he said with a smile as he started steering them towards the apartment. "I'd loved to take a gander at that."

"Yeah?" Mac asked, his eyes bright. "It's sweet, dude! So badass! You liked the last one, right? Cause this one really takes it up a notch. Bam!" he exclaimed, throwing out a kick.

Dennis forced a laugh. "Well, I am liking that. Sounds like a winner already, buddy."

END