Disclaimer : Shaman King © Takei Hiroyuki. I'm With You © Avril lavigne
Warning : Angst, OOC
Author's note : Just wanna show Tamao's feelings for Yoh, Anna and -maybe- her new love…..
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I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waitin' in the dark I thought that you'd be here by now…I blankly looked into the rainy sky, while my mind tried to dig all the memories inside. They used to be about Yoh-sama, Yoh-sama and Yoh-sama. But now, it's only a pitch black vision with no emotion to be felt…
"……I love Yoh-sama, I love Yoh-sama, I love Yoh-sama, I love Yoh-sama, I-"
I ceased and touched my chest. My tears was waiting to be fallen from my eyes.
"….I…..feel nothing……"
Then I broke down and wept. I covered my face with my hands, hoping that nobody would see me like this. Where?! Where's my love?! Where does it go?! How can I feel nothing when I'm remembering of Yoh-sama?! Nandatte?! Nandatte?!!! I held the side of the footbridge tightly. My tears dripped on my hand. Anna-sama probably get mad at me, I thought, being away for 2 hours in this heavy rain…..I don't know that I still have the guts…I smiled as I tried to remember how could I end up in this such a place….
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"Tadaima"
Yoh, who's going to do training, looked at her then grinned.
"Oh, Tamao! Okaeri! Did you just buy groceries for dinner?"
Tamao answered none. She just stared at him, exploring his heart within his dark eyes. And from those eyes, she could see that there's no feeling towards her. His dark eyes were just dark. No lust, no passion, no love…..for her. But how can he has those burning feelings in his eyes when he sees Anna-sama?! Am I and her are THAT different?!!
"Tamao"
One word made her back to the reality. She saw him had a puzzled look on his face.
"You look pale today….Are you sick?"
He put his right hand on her forehead and his face was just inches away from hers. She should've gone red if she was the yesterday Tamao. But no, not this Tamao. She dropped the groceries on the floor. She took his hand off her brow and grasped it with her own hands.
"Tamao?!"
Yoh asked confusedly while Tamao's still looking down to the floor. Then she faced him and smiled.
"I'm fine, Yoh-sama"
She let go of his hand and took the groceries then left.
"I'm sorry. I've to prepare the dinner now"
"Tama-"
Yoh saw her aloof and heaved a sigh.
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There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound…
Was that all?……Naaah……there're still a bunch of memories like that…I've comprehended this, of course, demo……Does this mean that I don't love him anymore…?……B-but…I've been in love with him since I was 4!! It's not a love which can easily be forgotten!! He's my love of life!!!……or so I assumed………
The alarm of my watch beeped. I glanced at it and realized that it's already ten p.m. Now it has been 3 hours since I went out, but…….nobody looks for me…nobody seems care about me…..why?
I sighed and wiped tears from my eyes. I decided to go down the bridge and took a little walk around downtown. I don't feel like going home tonight…..Not before I know the reason why I don't love him again, that is….
I went by the candy store and saw a huge box of present, filled with candies and especially chocolates shaped as hearts, with the words 'Happy Valentine' written on the front side of the box. I suddenly stopped and stared at it. Valentine, eh?……….So what? I don't have any feelings for him anymore so that means I'm gonna skip this year's Valentine……I chuckled and walked away.
Every people who passed me, looked intently at me, wondering what the hell was this girl thinking. Well, I didn't use an umbrella nor a raincoat. Just me, my clothes and an empty heart. And certainly, I looked back to the sky, rain which heals all the pain in my heart. I gazed upon the dark sky, but someway, my sight became twisted.
"Wha-?!"
Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home…
I felt my body tepid and my head's spinning. I could've fell over if I didn't take hold of the traffic light quickly. I touched my brow and I sensed it hot. I still held my grip but it became weaker. Can't….stand it…I hardly kept it. Vaguely, I saw two lights appeared on the street and as them moved toward me, I found out that those lights were from a truck. I…I can be dead…..no, I don't want to die now….but….I can't hold it any longer…..I………..
"….Yoh…..sama……."
I closed my eyes as I fell to the street with tears on my eyes and pain in my heart. The truck was just very close from me.
"…………………sorry…………………."
I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know…
"TAMAO!!!"
Someone grabbed my arm and pulled me back to the pavement. From the voice, I know that it was a boy.
"What're ya doing?! You could've been dead!!"
I attempted to look him at face but I didn't have any strength left. It felt like I was just brought three tons of rocks, it's very tiring. He kept on yelling at me while I shut my eyes and tried to forget all the things that had just happened. He maybe apprehended that I was exhausted cos he stopped yelling. Then he sighed. Somehow, I felt him patted my head. I've lost all of my energy and rested my head on his chest. I could hear his heart beat faster than before. He embraced me and breathed some words on my ears. I could only catch one or two words like "okay" and "oyasumi" cos I was too tired to be awaken anymore. Then I slept serenely after I knew I'm saved…..
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"Tamao"
Ara? Yoh-sama?
"Tamao let's play!"
"But, Yoh-sama, if Yohmei-sama finds out that you skipped your training…."
"Mou……It'll be all right, ne?"
……That smile…….Yoh-sama……I love you when you're smiling……I really love you…..
"What's for dinner, Tamao? I just can't wait to eat your delicious meal!!"
"Haha, I'm very appreciate it, Yoh-sama. Demo…..Yohmei-sama is calling for you…"
"Oh crap……..not another training…."
…..Yes…your smile….Your smile was for me…only for me…..You gave it just for me….For three years I had you….completely…………..but………….
"Your bride has been decided. Go and meet her, Yoh"
"Huh?"
No………I don't want to remember it…………
"Do you know, Tamao? She's entirely different from you. She's very firm, callous and frightening! Eventhough she said she had overcome her hatred but she's still cruel……geez….."
"That sounds really bad…."
"Yeah….but when I knew that she was lonely, I couldn't leave her just like that….and I…"
No, no……No! Please! I don't wanna hear it! No!!
"I love her"
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"NO!!!"
I woke up with glared eyes. I was out of breath because of that dream…..Dream….It was just….a dream…….was it? I looked around and knew that I was lying on the bench in the park. I got up and headed for the vending machine. My throath was dry though. I searched for some coins in my pockets but I couldn't find any. What?! After all of these, I have to be thirsty too?! THAT'S IT!!! I got mad all of sudden and lost my self-control. I hit the vending machine but ended that stupid action cos my hand was hurt and blood trickled off it. Ouch……..heh, baka……..
"Here"
A warm can was touched on my cheeks. I turned my head hurriedly and revealed my savior.
Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone…
I saw blue hair, dark eyes and an outfit full of Ainu tribe's symbols. He smiled at me while his hand still referring me the can.
"Horohoro-sama….?"
"E? 'sama'? Umm…you don't have to be that formal to me….yanno?"
He grinned. I smiled back and took the can gawkily. I opened it and drank its contents, and nope, not beer. Just a can of hot tea, that's all. I sat down on the bench. I inadvertently glimpsed at him. He was wearing a jacket outside of his clothes. Come to think of it, I don't wear anything instead of my plain t-shirt and pants. I even forgot to bring my Ouija board. Funny……I realize that the weather IS chilly after standing in the middle of the rain without wearing anything to protect me from coldness for three hours….I sneezed. He freed his jacket and put it on me. Then, abruptly, he came close to me and grasped my injured hand. He took off his headband and bandaged it around my wound. I flushed when he rubbed my hand.
"That's all I can do for now. You have to go home and treat it so it won't be infected"
"…………home?"
"Yep! What's up? You scared to go alone? That's okay, I'll accompany you"
Home…? Do I have to come home…..?……….No……I don't have the nerve to face Yoh-sama and Anna-sama right now.………………Yoh-sama……..……I miss him already………but that's all I feel……..just miss…..
"What's wrong, Tamao? Come on! Yoh and Anna maybe worry 'bout you"
…………..maybe……………?
"Tamao?"
"……..I…….I don't wanna go home tonight…….."
"Huh?"
Silence remained between us. All I could do was hoping that he would understand the situations. He looked unhappily but said nothing. He took a seat beside me and gently patted my head again. And I recognized that my tears have fallen off my eyes. It seems that I can't live a single day without crying.
"Whoaa ~ ~ What's the matter, Tamao?! Did I just make you cry?! Did I say something that hurts your heart?!"
He unexpectedly became perplexed, which I consider it's cute to see him has that kind of look on his face.
…..hey….wait a minute……..did I just think that he's..…cute?………….
"Tamao……are you all right?"
"Ah, Un….. I'm okay…….I'm sorry to cry like that……."
"Daijobu! You can cry whenever you want to. My arms are always wide open for you!"
I blushed then smiled. This is what I've been searching……....a warm affection………
"Hontou ka? So…….will you lend me your arms at this time?"
"Eh?"
I placed my head on his shoulder. He seemed surprised but he could control his embarrassment. Moreover, he rested his hand on mine and clasped it softly. I was the one who's blushing though.
"Tamao"
"Ha-Hai?"
"Why on earth did you stand on a bridge for three hours in the heavy rain?"
"?!"
………….Should I tell him about my frustration…? About my depression…? I'm not really familiar with him and I'm quite sure that he'll be angry at me because I did a very foolish thing to forget my sadness…..but………I looked at him. He smiled kindly at me. But…..but I…….can't bear it alone anymore…………..I……………
I need a friend to talk to………I need him……………
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life…
"I love him"
He turned his face at me and listened quietly.
"I love Yoh-sama. I truly love him. He was the one who cheered me up when I was brought to the Asakura's house 8 years ago. He smiled and greeted me friendly, made my sorrow gone. Then I fell in love at once with him. He's so nice to me. He was always there when I needed him. I love him for all my life and will give him anything he wants. I always pray for his happiness. He makes me laugh and now he makes me cry too……He's very good at doing these things though……."
I shed tears. He tightened his grasp.
"I understand that he's not mine….I understand that he belongs to Anna-sama now….. I understand that I can never be his…..I understand all of them…..But the past 3 years was really made me happy cos he was all mine………He was mine…..His smile, his heart, his warm-heartedness……All for me…And I thought that nobody will break such a feeling…….but….that girl…"
He worriedly looked at me.
"That girl…..how can she did this to me..?! How can she just came out of nowhere and stole my precious one?! I did nothing to her! I didn't even know her! I know that the Asakura family choose its bride and I trained hard just to be the one! But she..!"
"Tamao"
He released my hand and touched my shoulder.
"I hate her!! I HATE HER!!! Why she has to be that perfect?! Kyouyama Anna, the Asakura's bride. Pretty, has strong shamanic powers, everyone's love, way too perfect…..Why that kind of girl should be born?!! And why she has to appear in front of me and Yoh-sama?!! Why?!!!"
"Tamao, that's enough!"
"And of course, after her great appearance, nobody would care about Tamamura Tamao, the shy, useless and lame girl. She's not worthy enough to be the Asakura's bride and she's not EVEN worthy enough to be cared for!! She's nobody!! No one heeds me!! No one loves me!!! Why?!! Why there's no one who concern with my feelings?!! I-"
"TAMAO!!! ENOUGH!!!!"
He hugged me closely as he doesn't want to loose his embrace. I stopped and cried, making the front side of his shirt to be wet. I couldn't help it anymore so I let my sentiments took control of me.
"It's okay….It's okay…..You now have me, right?……It's okay…Tamao…"
"Why…..Why he has to leave me alone…….…….why……….."
I wept and sobbed. I held him close as he did to me.
"I won't go anywhere……It's okay……"
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you areBut I…I'm with you
"Tamao, are you sure you're all right already? You know you don't have to return if you don't wanna…I can make an excuse for you so…."
I smiled sweetly at him. He went red.
"I'm fine…After all, Yoh-sama and Anna-sama are waiting for me to come…."
He stared at me miserably.
"Tamao"
He sighed and grasped my hand.
"'k then, let's go home!"
"Un!……ano…Horohoro-sama…?"
"No - 'sama'!"
"Uh okay, Horohoro-san…?"
"Nu-uh ~ ~ Call me Horohoro-kun!"
"A! E….ano…..Ho-Horohoro….kun…"
I blushed. He beamed with delight.
"Yeah?"
"A-ano………I just wanna say…"
"?"
"……Arigatou….."
I smiled as he flushed for the……..uh, I don't know how many times have we blushed…….
"A…Aaa….Ahahaha….It was nothing……Jya, ikuzo?"
"Hai"
He strengthened his grip as we walked hand in hand. And I know I'm not alone anymore…….
I'm with you…