By: Lucey

e-mail: luceyweb.de

Disclaimer: I don't own them, Joss does.

Rating: PG

Pairing: B/A

Timeline: S3, at a time where B/A were actually almost happy...

Distribution: the usual suspects, others: ask

Feedback: I'd love some.

Note: Written for the CyA ficathon at Livejournal hosted by leniba. The request was: Fluffy B/A including a kitten... sorry for the delay. Thanks to Hannahbee for the beta. Oh and just one more thing: it's not the fluffiest fluff...more...angsty-fluff glares at muse.

...

Loneliness (comes and goes)

He didn't know why it had taken so long. He was already living here for several months and she had been over almost every day, especially lately. But today she had decided that it was time for her to have a look at the rest of the mansion. A very thorough look. She had opened every door, sometimes wrinkling her nose, sometimes with a shout of surprise. The sentences „Oh my god." or „Angel, this place is HUGE!" had crossed her lips numerous times and he couldn't exactly argue with her. Angelus had a sense for architecture, that he had to give him. Maybe that was what made it so hard for him to give up the place...despite everything that had happened there. It felt like home, especially when she was around, and it was a welcome change after living in the small, underground apartment for almost 2 years, despite the new problems living at the mansion caused, like making sure there was no sunlight coming in anywhere he set foot.
So he had chosen not to use the rooms upstairs...for what would he use them, anyway? He had a bedroom, a living room that could easily fit another building inside and a huge kitchen. After he had to give up his old apartment, all his stuff gone, he didn't feel like decorating his new place of residence all over again. Buffy had brought this topic up more than once, questioned, hinted, suggested but he had just shrugged it off as an unnecessary complication. Everything he needed, everything he wanted was right there.

The most important part of that was currently curled up on his sofa, staring into the blazing fire. There was no doubt about that – she belonged here. It felt good having her around, despite the problems it caused occasionally. Without having to ask he knew that her mother was out of town again. Buffy was always reluctant to go home but when she knew that she'd be coming home to an empty house it was almost impossible to ignore her unspoken wish to stay, to spend the night. But they couldn't. Didn't dare to.
Sitting down next to her, he relished in the way she immediately leaned closer, her head against his shoulder. Staring into the fire together, time passed until she finally spoke, breaking the silence.

"Don't you ever get lonely here? This place is huge...and a little creepy, if you ask me."
"You don't like it?"
"No, I do. It's just..."
"It takes some time getting used to it, I guess." He mused, shifting to pull her a little closer. "I don't even use most of the rooms."
"So, do you?" She repeated, her concern for him clearly out in the open this time.
"Get lonely? I don't know." He paused. "I guess, sometimes...but I'm used to it."
"The silence in this place would freak me out. No stereo, no TV, nothing but...well, nothing. But I guess vampires don't scare that easily." She smiled at him and he couldn't help but return it.
"Maybe you should get a pet. You know, like...a puppy."
"A puppy?"
"Yeah, to keep you company."
"But you can't keep a puppy inside...you have to take it outside, during the day..." He tried the reasonable approach.
"Right. Bad idea." She bit her lower lip again, thinking hard.
"You don't have to worry about me." His fingers started to comb through her hair, soft, comforting touches. "I'm fine. And I go out during the night and...and you're here."
She smiled at him, snuggling closer – content, for now.
"Read to me?"
He reached for the book, brushing a kiss to her temple. Anything for her.

He knew she was up to something as soon as she started to hem and haw at the end of patrol, claiming they needed to make a quick stop at her house before going back to the mansion.
When she pulled him with her into the basement he started to wonder. But this, he didn't expect.
A tiny, black bundle of fur yawned at him, looking very comfortable in his girlfriend's arms, clinging to her shirt with tiny claws as she beamed at him.
"Isn't he cute?"
"A kitten?"
"Oh, this isn't just a kitten. It's the world's cutest kitten! Look at him! Oscar, say hello to Angel..." She tried to wave with a tiny paw but the kitten was surprisingly reluctant to play along.
"Oscar?"
"Oh, yeah. Not my fault...but I think it's kinda cute."
She looked at him expectantly, only now realizing the frown all over his face. "I thought, maybe you wanted to take him with you...you could use some company."
"A kitten?" He started to feel like an idiot, repeating the obvious over and over again.
"Oscar." She smiled. "Our neighbour's cat had a whole bunch of them and can you imagine? Nobody wants to have him."

Watching her coo at the kitten he couldn't bring himself to admit, out loud, that he wasn't a big fan either. Still, he felt touched at her concern, even as he was already debating polite ways of rejecting this addition to his life.
Stepping closer, he observed the tiny black bundle carefully, noticing that the kitten was just about to fall asleep in Buffy's arms.
"Why don't you..." He started but stopped when she rolled her eyes.
"Oh right. Like my mom would let me keep him. Remember? Me and responsibility for another living being don't exactly mix...which is kind of ironic considering the whole "Chosen One" business, but whatever."
He looked at her, holding the kitten into her arms...suddenly very much a little girl again. Seeing her like this reminded him of how young she actually was. A girl her age shouldn't have to bear that much responsibility. She shouldn't have to go through all this stuff, including having a vampire as a boyfriend and especially not with coming home to an empty house for several weeks at a time. He knew that her concern for his well-being, her worries about his loneliness were genuine...and at least for a small part about her own loneliness – at home and emotionally – as well.

"Buffy..." He started. "I can't...I don't think it's a good idea."
"But you wouldn't have to take him outside. He could come and go...and the only thing we'd need to do is feed him. Much easier than a puppy."
Noticing the "we" he almost reconsidered. But no, this wasn't right.
"I know. But still, he deserves to have a nice home. To live with a family, not in a cold, huge mansion..."
"You live there."
"I know...but, but that's different. And you don't have to worry about me being lonely."
"Well, it's not exactly something I can control, you know."
"I know..." He knew she was hurt. "But it's okay for me to be alone. I sleep during the day and at night, I can go out and patrol...and you, you come by. I'm not lonely."
"But I can't stay..." By now she was almost crying. "I go home at the end of the night and you're alone. I hate that."
"I hate that, too." He took a step towards her. "But it's better this way. We can't...we can't let things happen."
"I know, Angel. Remember? I was there the last time. But it hurts."
"I don't want to hurt you, Buffy. I..."
"You're not hurting me, Angel. It's this stupid curse that hurts me, what it's doing to you...to us." By now tears were running down her cheeks and she wiped them away angrily. "God, look at Buffy having another meltdown."
He stepped closer and carefully took the kitten from her arms, placing it into its shoebox before he faced her again. He took her chin in his hands and forced her to meet his gaze.
"It's okay to be sad. To be angry..."
"Easy for you to say, you're always so calm and reasonable..."
"I try to be because when I think about this, I'm sad, too. And angry. Even more than that."
"How come you never let me see that?"
"I didn't want you to see it."
She smiled at him through her tears now before she started to laugh.
"Oh that's great. We're quiet a pair aren't we?"
He smiled at her, glad she was almost back to her normal self.
"I love you."
"I love you, too." She whispered before she accepted the kiss he placed on her lips, temporarily making her forget anything on her mind except the fact that she was in his arms.

Maybe it was a good thing that they had uttered these things out loud, sharing their feelings of anger and frustration. It made it easier to focus on what they were actually allowed to do.
He had always loved to read to her. He loved sharing some of his favorite books with her while she was able to unwind, relax after a busy day of school and slaying, snuggled against his chest, falling asleep while listening to him. She looked so peaceful then, so beautiful that he didn't move until it was time for her to go. Whenever he woke her up, she would always look at him in that special way only Buffy looked at him. This look warmed him down to the core and made the lonely days without her so much easier.

It had almost become a ritual just for the two of them. She would show up at sundown, sometimes earlier if she needed help with her homework or another question or excuse, they would train together, a more than convenient excuse to both touch each other and let off some steam. Usually they would eat something after taking a shower, separately of course, and then they would go on an early patrol.
Coming back to the mansion after that first round of patrol was always the most difficult part of the night – they were both worked up from the fighting and calming down from that wasn't the easiest thing to do when they were around each other. The smallest touch could lead to a kiss and the smallest kiss would lead to a serious test for their self-control. Thus worked up they were always relieved to start the second round of patrol, hunting down demons hidden deep inside the woods of Sunnydale, sometimes meeting the others at the library, having other people around made things easier, checking graveyard after graveyard, looking for something to fight.
When they were finally exhausted enough they usually went back to the mansion where it was now safer to touch, to rest together on the couch without having to worry too much about things getting out of control.
The kiss goodbye was always the hardest part. She needed something to get her through the day and he tried not to let her know how much he truly wanted her to stay.
That kiss goodbye always started gentle, a peck on the lips followed by a lingering second brush of lips. That second kiss slowly started a series of shorter kisses, still innocent enough and yet all just a build-up for that last, desperate meeting of lips, tongues and teeth, a kiss that made their knees weaken and their breaths quicken. They would draw out that kiss, trying to hold on to it before one of them stepped away, drawing the line.
This kiss he wouldn't want to miss for the world. It was both a promise and a goodbye – a reminder of everything they had and everything they didn't have. As long as they had this kiss, they would be fine.
Thinking about this kiss during the day chased away all the loneliness...at least until she opened the door again and she was there, home, where she belonged.

The end