I'm All In
Disclaimer: I do not own Cammie or Zach, or the fact that they are spies.
What have I become? My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away, In the end
And you could have it all , My empire of dirt
I will let you down , I will make you hurt
- Johnny Cash
(Hurt)
Seven Years Later
She sat at the kitchen counter by herself, sipping slowly at her red wine. It was almost ten o'clock and she had only just gotten her son to bed. He was just like his father, pushing her limits until she was at her breaking point. The only way he ever did what she said is if he saw the glint in her eyes that told him she was about to go ballistic. He was always testing her, and he was only five years old. She hated to think of how it would be when he became a teenager. She supposed she had Zach to blame. He couldn't discipline their son if he was never around. Hell, he had never even met his own son. Cammie knew he preferred to ignore his existence.
She heard the front door and open and close, the sound indicating that someone was trying to be quiet. She tensed and wrapped her fingers tightly around the wine glass, ready to defend herself.
The footsteps were quiet, but not silent. She waited until the intruder rounded the corner and was in her sights.
As he stepped into the light she felt her blood run cold.
"What are you doing here?" she asked not releasing her grip on the glass. She wanted to throw it at his head so harder it would shatter. She hated the man standing in front of her. He had caused her nothing but heartache and grief. It had been along time since she'd had craved the feeling of his arms around her.
Not since she had gotten pregnant.
"I. . ." He trailed off and his eyes looked slightly glassy.
"Are you drunk?" she asked, disbelieving. He had some nerve, coming to her like this. He didn't answer, his eyes just drifted the wine she still held in her hand.
"You're the one drinking," he said, nodding to the bottle.
She rolled her eyes. "Get out. I don't want you here."
"Your doors weren't locked. I could have been a murderer or something."
"As far as I'm concerned, you are."
He smirked at her. "You are exactly the same as me. It's our lifestyle Cam. Killing people is a necessity."
"In case you have forgotten, I am a mother now. You know full well that I don't put myself into situations like that."
"Well," he started. "You know—"
"What are you doing here?" she asked again, her sharp tone effectively cutting his words off. Zach sighed and walked further into the kitchen.
"Maybe I just wanted to see you."
"I haven't seen you in more than five years. Why the sudden urge?"
He shook his head. "It wasn't sudden. I always want to see you. Usually I don't let myself. But tonight I guess it just wasn't something I could fight."
"Do you hear yourself?" she asked. "You're fighting with yourself not to see me. The mother of your child. A child, that is, that you have never met."
"Cammie—" He said in a tired voice that sounded like he just didn't want to have the conversation.
"Zach you're the one who came there. You shouldn't have expected open arms and a warm bed. I'm done with your stupid games. I'm taking care of another life now Zach," she said. "Don't you get it?"
Zach eyes had turned stone cold and he almost looked lost and helpless. He was nodding to himself, as though he knew she were right. Because she was, he had no right to be here. Not after abandoning them for five years it wasn't fair.
"I'm sorry," he suddenly choked out, his voice sounding as though it were cutting through thick layers of tears. His head was tilted down, hiding his expression from her.
"You can't even look me in the eye and apologize," she snapped at him.
He glanced up at her. "Shouldn't you have known?" he asked. "That I would hurt you? Why didn't you stay away?"
She wanted to kick him. He was so ignorant, as if she could just turn off her feeling for him off. There wasn't a switch for these kinds of things.
"Because I see the best in people," she replied. "I, for some reason, saw something that wasn't there in you. Everyone said you would only let me down. I knew it too."
"I don't know what you want me to say."
She shook her head. "I couldn't give a damn that you let me down Zach. I'm a big girl, I can handled myself. But I'm pretty fucking pissed off that you let our son down. He doesn't have a father Zach, don't you understand that?"
"Yes," he snapped back at her with more force behind his words then there had been before. "I understand. I didn't have one either."
"So you really want your son to end up like you?"
He sent her a glare. "Of course I don't. But he doesn't have my mother. He will be fine."
"He needed a father."
"Look Cammie—"
"No," she interrupted, her words sounding hotter and harder. "You listen to me. I never expected you to marry me and buy me a big house and raise this child. But I never thought you were so heartless that you wouldn't even want to meet your own child and support them. Who does that Zach? This isn't you. I know you're a good guy. But you keep messing up." Her last words sounded frustrated, as though she couldn't possible think of one way to fix the situation.
"That's the problem right there," Zach said. "I'm not the good guy Cam; I thought you would have figured that out that by now."
"Quit fooling yourself. Sure— you're a little lost and you had a rough time growing up. But you work for the CIA, Zach. You're protecting every life in the country. You can't be a good guy and do that. You're better than this. You just don't let yourself see it."
He stood up and walked up to her, placing his hands softly on her cheeks. His hands were warm and soft, so unlike the rest of him, which was cold and unforgiving. Even to himself.
"I supposed it doesn't really matter," he said. "The damage is done, right?"
Cammie couldn't believe she was allowing herself to feeling anything else towards him then hate and distain. But the pity and love was uncontrollable when she was with him. He manipulated her and she was helpless to stop herself from falling back in love with him.
"Mommy," Cammie then heard her child whine. The two adults turned around, seeing the small five year old child on the ground. She instantly stepped away from Zach and went to her son.
"Come on Chase," she said to him. "Back to bed."
She was already shielding him from Zach, hoping Chase wouldn't recognize his farther from the photos around the house. She knew Zach was in no state to see him. And Cammie didn't want him to be, he was drunk and unpredictable.
But when Cammie took his hand and began pulling him along he put his foot down and stared at his father.
Zach had gone into shock, staring at the boy with wide, unguarded eyes. For once his in life he was an open book and the tenderness on his face had surprised Cammie. Excluding Cammie, he had never felt such an emotion so soon and so strong before in one moment. Chase had his father's eyes and everything else was his mother. And right now, his big eyes were glued to his father with an unexplainable curiosity.
"Daddy?"
Zach felt like he had the breath knocked out of him. He wanted to fall to his knees and cry. It was so alienating to feel this way but he couldn't stop it. He could only stare at his son with a unreadable expression.
"He knows who I am?" Zach asked in a whisper, his voice barely coming out at all. Cammie sighed and gripped her son's hand.
"Just because you stopped caring about us doesn't mean we stopped caring about you," she said softly, knowing he heard every word even though he hadn't moved his eyes from Chase.
Chase realized his mother's guard was down and ripped his hand out of hers.
"Daddy!" he yelled again sprinting forwards and launching himself at Zach. Zach had already squatted down and his arms open for his son when he came running into them. Zach held him tight, disbelieving the moment was happening. Cammie couldn't believe her eyes either; the tears that were streaming down Zach's faces meant it had to be a dream. Zach didn't cry.
"Chase," Zach said under his breath, squeezing his son.
The scene made Cammie's heart contract and brought tears to her own eyes. She had dreamed of this moment for so long. She always envisioned what would happen when Zach finally met Chase. She had never thought it would be this emotional. She hadn't thought Zach could be this emotional. But here he was in her kitchen holding their son so tightly he might squash him.
She had her hand to her mouth, trying not to sob or make any sound that could break the moment. She wouldn't ruin this for world.
Zach stood up, Chase still in his arms and in the light Cammie could see his face. His strong masculine features were softened with an expression of love and overwhelming joy. Zach cradled his son's head, trying to be as delicate as he could. He didn't want to let go. He didn't know how to.
"Zach," Cammie whispered hoarsely.
Zach's eyes suddenly snapped to her, as if he'd only just remembered she was in the room. He was grinning at her, but had tears streaming down his cheeks.
"Thank you," he said to her, and stroked the back of Chase's head. "Thank you."
Chase started to squirm, and while Zach didn't want to let him go he set him back on the ground and stared into the young child's eyes, unable to look away.
"I think it's time for bed," Cammie then said, hating to spoil the moment. But she was a mother, and she needed to speak to Zach regardless. Chase would still be here in the morning, and with a bit of luck. Zach might be too.
She pulled Chase away from Zach. "Go back to bed," she said to him sternly in her motherly voice.
"But—"
"Chase," she said. "Not now. Go to bed."
Chase glanced over at his father, he pouted. "Fine."
Cammie sighed, relieved he hadn't put up a fight. Zach watched Chase until he turned the corner and both of them heard his feet peddle up the stairs.
"You didn't need to do that," Zach said quietly.
She suddenly glared at him, wondering where he got the idea that he had a vote in the situation.
"I don't need you're fatherly advice," she said sharply. "In fact, you can actually leave now."
Zach raised his eye brows. "What?"
"I said you can go," she said, pointing to the door.
"No Cammie—"
"Listen," she said, talking over him. "We both know sooner or later you're going to leave. And I would rather you didn't let Chase down for the millionth time in his life."
"Let him down? What are you talking about?"
Cammie gave him a disbelieving look. "Are you serious? Zach you've never even met him before now."
"I know, so how could I have let him down?"
She let out a frustrated, angry sigh. "You're such an idiot Zach. Do you think he doesn't who you are? Where his father is? He's the only one of his friends who doesn't have a father Zach. Do you know how hard it is to tell your son that his father doesn't love him enough to stick around? It's a fucking nightmare, and I really don't need you making it any worse by getting his hopes up."
"But—"
"I don't care what you have to say. I'm through listening, and I am certainly through trying to understand."
"Won't he be disappointed when I'm not here tomorrow?"
She shook her head. "I'll tell him it was a dream."
The thought of his son thinking he was just a dream nearly broken Zach's heart. "No, you can't do that."
She cocked a hand on her hip. "Why not? He's my son."
"He's my son too."
She looked outraged. "You are unbelievable. You can't just walk into my house and claim that he's your son when you've never even so much as sent an email. Just leave Zach; it's what you do best."
She turned away from him because she felt like she was getting her heart ripped open all over again.
Her words hurt him, more than he had expected. He wasn't use to this side of Cammie he knew his actions hurt her but she was always so good at hiding it. The malice in her words was cutting him to the bone, like a million needles being stabbed into his heart all at once. He didn't know it was possible to feel like this.
"I don't want to leave," he replied, knowing every word was true. He was sick of disappointing her, and he certainly wasn't going to disappoint his son any longer, not the way his father had done to him. "I want to be a part of his life."
She was trying hard not to cry, still turned away from him, she said, "since when?"
"Since now," he said. "I'm sorry," he said. "For everything."
"Sorry doesn't make everything better," she snapped at him. "You can't come back here and melt my heart like you used to. I'm finished. Done. I don't want you around me or my son. Sooner or later you'll be gone and I will be left to pick up the pieces again."
He wanted to tell her she was wrong, but how could he, when he knew that he had done it every time before.
She sighed. "At least you're consistent." It was meant to be a joke but the word hurt, and he knew that it meant something worse than the way it sounded.
"Please," Zach said. "I'm sorry."
She looked back at him. "You're apologies mean nothing to me Zach. If you really wanted to help you would leave and I would never hear from you again."
Zach's luminous green eyes met hers, she was surprised at the hurt she saw there. She had to remind herself about all of the time he had hurt her, he deserved it. Karma was coming around to bite him in the ass.
"Is that really what you want?" He asked quietly, refusing to let her look away.
The silence in the room was making her nervous. She didn't like being alone with Zach, because so many things could happen, none of them good.
She drew in a shaky breath and hesitated before saying, "yes."
Zach's face fell, but he couldn't blame her. He should have done what she was asking years ago. Only he was selfish, and couldn't give her up, couldn't let her move on. And because he couldn't do that, he was stopping her from being happy as well.
Zach inhaled deeply, making up his mind. He needed to stick with a decision, whether it was the one she wanted or not. It was all or nothing, and Zach realized he wasn't prepared to give this up. Cammie may never forgive him but that didn't mean he would give up his son. He owed to both of them to try, and to try and make up the five years he had missed.
"I'll come back tomorrow," he said then.
She raised an eyebrow. "Did you just hear a word I just said?"
He nodded attentively. "Yes, but I'm not going to listen. I'm not letting you give up my son. I'm going to be there for Cammie. I've already lost so much time, and no one feels worse about that than I do. Those are years I can never get back, I'm not going to let him grow up without a father."
"No," she said and shook her head. "No, you need to leave."
He smiled then, but it was bitter sweet with irony. The one time he was willing to stay was the one time she was telling him to leave.
"I know saying sorry doesn't mean anything to you," he said. "But I'll show you that I'm sorry. And I don't care if it takes me the rest of my life, I'm going to make it up to you—to both of you."
Cammie felt her heart clench at his words but she didn't want to believe him. She had been burned too many times to let him in so easily after a few words that sounded sincere. She had to be cautious, otherwise she'd just get broken again.
"I don't want you here Zach."
He nodded, trying to be brave, even though her words were cutting him like knives. "I know, and I'm not asking to come back into your life Cammie," he said. "I know you don't want me here anymore, and you have every right not to. But I'm going to be a part of Chase's life. I'm going to be here for the long run, I won't let him down."
She narrowed her eyes at him.
"What's different about this time?"
"He's my son," Zach said. "And coming here and seeing him was the only way for me to fully understand it. I have a thick skull Gallagher girl," he said, giving a small smirk. "I needed to see it to get it through my head."
"This is bullshit," she said. "You're going to leave again!"
"I'm going to prove you wrong," he said, he smiled at her before pulling his coat on. "You'll see. I'm going to make it up to you. Every tear, every bad night's sleep, I'm going to fix it."
"And how are you going to do that?"
He smiled a bit sheepishly. "I haven't quite figured it out yet. But like I said, I'll see you tomorrow. I want to be a part of his life Cammie, even if it's just showing up and taking him to breakfast. You have to believe me."
She didn't, and she wouldn't, not until he proved that he was sticking around for the long hall.
"I'm all in," he said simply. "And I'm never letting you down again."
AN: So in case ya'll were wondering, this is seven years after the events of Open Wounds. But I thought it was more of a companion piece and could stand on it's own, which is why it got it's own story. I hope you guys liked it and please leave a review if you did.
Thanks so much!