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A/N: The fourth one of my 5trueloves Eiji fics, this one pairing him with Tezuka, the prompt being Time Machine.

Left Behind

Sometimes, Eiji found himself hoping he could turn back the time.

Of course, he knew it was impossible, that it was just a childish fantasy he was far too old for. However, this was one of the reasons he wished for it to be possible – he yearned nothing as much as to return to the innocent days of his youth, when everything seemed possible and fairy tales were true. Those were the times when everything was so easy, when there was no obstacle that couldn't be overcome if you worked hard enough.

Now, though, he was older and wiser and sadder, too, and if he could have given a piece of advice to his younger self he would have told himself never to grow up as it wasn't worth it. However, no such advice had been given when he was young, and he had wished for nothing as much as to be an adult already, to be able and allowed to do all the exciting things, to control his own life.

Now he was an adult, and he knew that all too often, life controlled you.

There was a streak of bitterness in him now that his younger self would have found alien, and though he tried to ignore it it sometimes still showed up, twisting his smile and shadowing his eyes. No matter how much he wanted to forget all the bad things, something always reminded him of them, of all the realised fears and disappointments and tears. Nobody had ever told him growing up was easy, but he had never expected it to be so grievously hard.

Of course, he knew it had been harder for him than for most, that not everybody had to experience such grievous losses in order to mature. However, this did not change the fact that he had indeed experienced him, that he had spent countless nights crying over matters far more serious than the usual teenage griefs of bad grades and one-sided crushes. It certainly hadn't made the tears burn his eyes any less back then.

The tears were burning again, filling his eyes as he looked down at the gravestone, wondering why some got to live and others did not, why some got the easy way out and others had to bear the burden of being left behind. He certainly could not think of a reason, couldn't imagine what higher plan there could have been in taking away those he loved the most and leaving him alone.

He missed Oishi, of course he did, for Eiji had loved him more than anything and Oishi had loved him back. There was so much Oishi could have done, the kind boy dreaming of being a doctor and helping everyone, yet he never even got to finish his studies just because of some freak accident.

"Eiji." A serious voice spoke behind him; was it ever anything but serious, he wondered, did he imagine the variations of tone even when they made love? There were times it seemed impossible the voice could have been anything else, that there could be an expression on that flawless face other than its usual grim stare. "We have to go now."

"Hoi," he said, casting one last glance at the grave, "I know." Then, he turned towards Tezuka. The taller man spoke nothing else, knowing it wouldn't really help now. Having now both paid their respects to the grave, they slowly left the graveyard, both doing their best not to think of the other grave they had also gotten into a habit of visiting.

Eiji sighed deep as they walked towards their car, staying as close to Tezuka as he could, feeling inexplicably cold.

At times like these he wondered if they truly loved each other, if they had ever loved each other, if they were drawn together simply by the pain of mutual losses, each losing a lover as the other a friend. That, however, was too bitter a thought ever for him to harbour, and he banished it from his mind, taking comfort from the strong arm around his shoulders, the warm presence next to him. After all, he felt warm in those arms, and the other sometimes made him genuinely laugh and he sometimes managed to tempt something like a smile to those lips, and if it wasn't love it was the next best thing and he wasn't about to change it for anything.

He was sure, at least, that wherever the two were, both Oishi and Fuji wished for their happiness.