Things are hard when you watch the people you care about most die right in front of you. He hadn't expected Cross' death. He wasn't ready for it. They were inside the Black Order's new and "improved" HQ. They should have been safe. He shouldn't have had to deal with this kind of pain, not again.
He couldn't deal with this kind of pain again. Not when he still wasn't completely over the last father figure that had died.
He was cursed, it was his fault, it had to be. What other reason was there? The Order hated him now. He didn't deserve to live. And so, with a snide comment, he left the scene. He couldn't handle that right now. He could feel himself falling apart and he needed the right company. So he walked, he walked as fast as he could in a specific direction. Holding back the tears until he knew he was safe. Just long enough to make it to Kanda's room. He ignored Link completely as he heard him shouting and yelling to wait for him. Once to the other man's room he opened the door just enough to slip in and shut it in Link's nosey face and then just collapsed on the other side, completely losing it. Knowing that Kanda was the one person who wouldn't treat him any different. Who he could just be with without Lavi asking a million questions about him being okay. Without Lenalee seeing him cry. Without making Krory or Miranda run around wondering what to do or feel awkward. Someone he could just have be there for him. And he did. Kanda had heard what had happened and he knew his Moyashi would need him. So he had gone to his room and he had waited. It hadn't taken long, and he was honestly surprised that Allen had still been in one piece when he walked through the door. He sat there sitting on the floor with him, just quietly comforting him & letting him cry. He knew that it was something that Allen needed to get out of his system. The whole time muttering pointed fingers;
"It was my fault, I know it was."
"I can't have family or friends, I'll just kill them."
"I can't do this again. I killed Mana and now I've killed Master Cross too!"
"I should just be alone, they're right! I'm a danger, I should be isolated and locked up!"
"You always thought I was evil anyway, maybe you're right, Kanda."
The entire time he's blaming himself while silently asking Kanda to tell him he's wrong. No, you don't deserve to be alone. No, you didn't kill either Cross or Mana. No, despite what I say, you aren't devil spawn, you do deserve to be happy, I'm right here, just cry quieter, I'm getting a headache. And Allen continues going on about his existence being a plague and that everyone he cares about is going to die in awful ways, that it'll all somehow be his fault. Because that's the only logical conclusion now. And Kanda just lets him lament, because obviously words aren't getting through to him right now. Until he's fed up, and in a fit of rage at Allen's self deprecation, he kisses him. Because he's still there, he won't die, and even if he did, it sure as hell wouldn't be Allen's fault. It would be his own damn fault, just like everyone else's deaths. Because blaming himself is stupid and selfish. And Allen goes on degrading himself, saying he doesn't deserve Kanda or any of the friends he's made. To which Kanda really wants to slap him, but knowing that it still wouldn't get through to him, he hugs him instead. Something he rarely did, because he needed Allen to understand just how serious he was when he said that no one deserved people that cared for them more than he did. Because Allen cared about everyone. He wore his heart on his sleeve and wouldn't hesitate to help. And Allen just cries, soaking Kanda's shirt all the way through and telling Kanda he loves him. To which Kanda just replies "I know." Because that's his way of saying it back, because he's shit at emotions and Allen has enough for the both of them. He just sits there, holding Allen to his chest, stroking his hair for as long as it takes for his lover to calm down, all the while Link is still standing outside the door, listening. He had stopped banging to let him in a long time ago. Not that either Kanda nor Allen had paid him any mind as they sat in front of the door, having their moment. Link could tell from the muffled parts he could hear that this was important for both of them. That if he interfered now that Allen would never get the closure he needed to function at the level the Order needed. Because he's not quite the insensitive prick everyone thinks he is. And he knows that if anyone can keep Allen Walker in line, it's Kanda Yuu. Even if it means allowing their secret taboo relationship. Someone needed to keep Allen walker from falling off the deep end, and if Kanda Yuu was willing to take the position, that just meant that Link didn't have to flounder through that mess of crying and screaming and probably violence. The only thought flitting through Link's head as he stood there, waiting like a gargoyle, was that they would need a lot more than God's help if anything were to ever happen to Kanda.