This fic has to go to the wonderful and friendly CrAsh fans at FF, you all welcomed me with open arms and made me want to write this! And a huge shout out has to go to my lovely beta, Diana! 3
Empty Apartment
He couldn't believe he was here after all this time. He stepped out of the airport terminal and blew out a breath of air in the cold day and looked around. As he shouldered his bag and looked for a cab, the famous London black cab, he couldn't help but realize just how alone he was, in such a huge city.
It was all meant to be so different.
He couldn't help but think that as he remembered when he was first supposed to go to London, to follow Ashley as she spent the summer with her dad. And ever since then, ever since the heartbreak that had followed her departure, her departure without him; he hadn't wanted to go again, despite it being the home to many of his favourite bands.
It was always just something the two of them were meant to do, together.
He had always thought of London as the thing that had torn them apart, when it was meant to bring them together, even closer than they were already. It was meant to be the beginning of a long and love-filled future, and instead he'd found himself heartbroken and alone, ending up in Vancouver with Ellie, who wanted to fill the void left in his heart by Ashley but could in no way replace her. And Vancouver had led to another reunion with Manny, who again, was no Ashley. And he knew that, but he hated being empty, he hated being alone. So he reverted to second best, knowing in his heart that it was always all about Ashley, even the songs he'd written long after her departure.
Everything would always be about Ashley.
And it was still this way now, years later, years after leaving Ellie and leaving Manny and leaving Degrassi behind.
He had released albums, and had still managed to avoid London.
It was the latest album release that brought him here, brought him to London, brought his past to catch up with his present. His manager had told him that he could not avoid the trip this time around. He finally relented and decided to exorcise the ghosts and go, experience the London that had made Ashley so happy, made Ashley fall in love with the city, and then maybe when he arrived back to Vancouver, he'd be able to let those ghosts and those regrets lie in the past.
But as he looked out at the bleak and grey city flying past the window of his cab, he couldn't help but wonder how different it would've been if he hadn't listened to her, if he'd gone anyway. If they'd now be together, if they'd be married. Or if she still would've met Ali and fallen for him.
And then he pictured her smile at him after Ellie's graduation, the smile that had made him hopeful and almost ready to just break up with Manny then and there, and pursue his dream with her, not Ellie, not Manny. Just her.
But that smile hadn't changed anything. She'd spent the summer in Toronto, before jetting back to London, leaving an already broken heart in her wake. He followed her example, and hadgone back to Vancouver, breaking Manny's heart in the process and leaving Ellie behind with Sean, finding himself more alone than he knew what to do with. And that always left him lost in thoughts of her, thoughts he didn't want to have but couldn't help but have.
And as he thought back to the past, he realized that somewhere, in the huge city that was London, Ashley could still be here. And if he was honest with himself, he wasn't sure what to do with that realization.
He found himself walking past the Virgin Megastore on Oxford Street, imagining all the hours Ashley would have spent in there, walked past the Roundhouse on Chalk Farm Road where Led Zeppelin made their London debut, where Jefferson Airplane and also the Doors played, and then he wandered past Abbey Road, made famous by the Beatles. He hated the fact that it had been almost 5 years since he saw her last, yet she was still in his heart, in his mind, and she wasn't leaving.
Returning to Virgin on the way back to his hotel, he went up to the management offices to meet with the management staff in charge of tomorrows fan "meet and greet" and album signing; and he found himself staring out of the window of the high rise building at the dark city below him, wondering what had become of his first love, aside from what he'd heard from the now married Joey on his last trip home.
They were sitting in the living room with Angie, another baseball game playing out on the screen. She kept glancing up at him from her seat on the floor where she was doing some homework.
Finally he got frustrated and asked, "What?"
"I ran into Ashley the other day, she was home for some family related thing or something. She's still Ashley, she's still living in London, and she even has an accent! But she did say that she was leaving the day before you came."
He sat utterly still, letting the baseball commentators report fill the tense silence left in the wake of her words. There were so many things he wanted to ask her, was she wearing a ring? Did she have a boyfriend with her, a husband? Was she happy? Did she ask about him?
He was still silent even after Angie had left the room, his questions having never left his lips, and it was then he felt Joey's eyes on him, waiting for some form of reaction.
"How did you two let so much get between you? Lives, an ocean or two, time?" Joey mused out loud, not expecting an answer. Another silence hung in the air, until Joey again spoke. "Do you still love her?"
"That was never a question, because the answer is there, just like it always has been."
"Why aren't you doing something about it, Craig? Why are you letting the one girl who's been through almost everything with you with unwavering loyalty go? Take it from me; you're going to regret it later. I was lucky that Caitlin came back into my life, but sometimes, you have to do the chasing. You can't sit around hoping. You're famous, Craig. Use it to get yourself something good, aside from all the money."
"She lives in London. She would have this whole life that doesn't revolve around a guy from the past, who she left behind when she first went to London. She could be doing anything now; she could even have a family or at least a boyfriend."
"She could, but you'll always be her Craig. You know that. You and Ashley, you're Caitlin and I when we were your age. She may have a new relationship, but I bet it's falling hugely short of what you two had. You just have to find her, work things out, because there's always that chance, diminutive or not, that she might still love you back."
He rested his head on the back of the sofa and looked at the ceiling, allowing Joey's words to sink into his mind.
There's always that chance… there's always that chance.
"And Craig? She's not married. She's not engaged. She's a song writer in London."
There's always that chance, diminutive or not, that she might still love you back.
And once the first memory came, another came tumbling in after it.
When it came to write his first record, he knew immediately that he was going to put the songs about Ashley on it. It wouldn't be a record without them. But then followed frustrating days and weeks after of coming up with nothing, nothing worth releasing or even handing to the producers. Just mindless emotionless words that barely constituted lyrics that he was embarrassed to attach his name to. He thought of Manny, his current girlfriend, the girl who had put up with him even though she must know that he could never love her the same way and to the same extent that she loves him. He just didn't want to be alone, he knew that. And he couldn't write a song about not loving her; he couldn't put that on an album when he knew everyone would instantly know who the song was written for. Even though he'd done many things to hurt both Manny and Ashley, he wasn't going to hurt her and embarrass her if he could help it. And then his producer came in, and told him to find the inspiration that inspired and motivated him to write the songs already destined for the album, the songs about Ashley.
That night, he returned to the empty apartment and sat at the counter, staring around at the kitchen and the living room, boxes still waiting to be unpacked greeting him. He remembered a box he hadn't seen since packing to move to Vancouver permanently and he found himself moving towards his bedroom, to find the box. He found it still sealed in the back of his closet, and tore the packing tape off, his fingers immediately finding the tiny brown bag he was searching for.
He moved back to the kitchen, his hand still clutching the tiny box, and he flipped it open as he returned to the stool. He sat staring at the ring, the diamond sparkling under the bad lighting in the kitchen, and then he wrapped his hand around it. With the ring in his hand, the one that still and would always belong to Ashley and no one else, he began to write; songs about memories and feelings and losing and loving and needing and longing. Songs about regrets and wants and hopes. And he knew that if Ashley ever picked up the album, she'd know instantly who it was about, but if Manny picked up the album, it was enough for her to hope that at least part of the lyrics were about her. It was enough for her to be able to lie to herself and convince herself that they really were about her and not Ashley, her boyfriends first love, and if she was honest, his only love.
And when he handed a completed set of lyrics and music to producers the next day, they could only look in awe at the change in the now exhausted form of Craig Manning, who could barely write anything the day before. If they'd looked closer, they would have seen a silver chain barely visible around his neck, a gold ring dangling off it, a ring that symbolized everything his songs were about, a ring that was a reminder of the girl who his songs would always be about.
And following those came memories of their Shakespeare production where he really got to know the girl who dressed gothic and who always managed to take him by surprise, the luau and their first dance, their snow fight, Ashley giving him everything in the hotel room, his proposal, all the memories came crashing into one long train wreck of memories. And that was when a cough brought him out of his thoughts as he looked up at the manager of the store, waiting to shake his hand to end the meeting. He stood and accepted the mans hand, before turning and walking past all the people buying CDs and DVDs, past all the teenagers with more radical hair than Spinner had had during high school, teenagers with more tattoos and piercings than he could even count.
And that was when he saw her, her hair long once more, dressed for the cold weather that was probably now familiar to her. He found himself rushing out of the store and following her, catching up to her and tapping her on the shoulder amidst the crowd of people rushing past them, and he felt like all the people rushing past them disappeared, leaving just them. And then she turned around, and his hopes vanished into the ice cold air around them.
It wasn't her.
Fleeting hopes, why do you always lead me to disappointment?
He watched the stranger walk away and wondered if it had been Ashley what he even would've said. But then he found that those thoughts led into others The thought of if it had been Ashley, he would've just watched her walk away from him, again. And as those thoughts came, he regretted once again letting her leave that night and not following her to London.
It would've all worked out so differently.
If only.
--
The next day brought a line of fans that ran down the street outside the Virgin Megastorewhere at the start of, he was signing autographs. There was a reporter from the Times shooting questions in between each signing, between all the screams of "marry me," and he answered them without much thought, all being the same repetitive questions he got asked in every interview he did. And then there was one question that threw him off, as it always did when it was asked.
"Where do you get your inspiration for the songs you write, who is this special girl you write about? Is she a girlfriend, or just someone you hope to meet one day?"
And as always, there was a momentary pause as he thought of an answer. He could feel the ring against his chest, the ring he always dreamed of placing back on Ashley's finger, where it belonged.
"It is about a girl, not a present girl, but a past girl." There was another pause as he thought about how to explain her. "She knows who she is. Next question, please."
As the news crew came in to film brief moments of the signing, the camera panned away from where he was, as the reporter began to mention the presence of another celebrity from the music industry, not as famous as Craig Manning, but famous in her own rite, lining up to get an album autographed. He glanced up at the female in question, only to discover himself staring into the eyes that had made him fall in love all those years ago, and haunted him since he watched her drive away in a cab.
"Ashley…"
And it was like being back at Ellie's graduation again as a teenager, finding her eyes over the crowd, only being aware of her eyes and the sound of his own heartbeat so incredibly loud in his ears.
"Hi." She said softly back, before sliding his CD down in front of him, and he found himself wanting to write something special on it. Something she'd understand, something, anything, to make her know that he still loved her, that she still had his heart, even after leaving him for another guy, even after never coming home again.
As he sat staring at her, pen poised on her CD, she spoke before he could come up with anything more than her name, still repeating in his mind.
"Not to sound all groupie, but I have all your CDs, I kinda kept track of your career, I guess. I'm so proud of you; I always knew you'd be the rock star."
His heart lifted at her words.
"I always knew you'd be my groupie." He laughed, and so did she.
"Don't get too conceited, rock star."
"So, you're still living here in the big city of London?"
"I love it here, every day, it's just such a buzz, all the people, and I love what I do."
"Song writer, from what I hear."
"Not quite a rock star, but close enough to not be blinded by the lights." She smiled. "I love it." She reached into her bag and pulled out a piece of paper, scribbling something down on it.
He glanced back down at her CD, still waiting to be signed.
"I'm still your Craig, and it's still all about you, everything, it's all about you. Always."
He handed the CD to her, not wanting to let go as her hand touched his. As he leaned forward, the necklace and her ring slid out from underneath his shirt and her eyes glanced towards it, widening as she realized what it was.
She slid the piece of paper she was writing on across towards him, and almost as quickly as she had arrived, she was gone, disappearing into the crowd of people in the store.
He glanced down at the piece of paper.
"Go to the Hard Rock Café. I'll meet you there. We'll go to the Vault – Ash."
The end of the line could not come soon enough for him.
--
He found himself waiting impatiently outside the Hard Rock Cafe a few hours later, wanting to have another glimpse of Ashley, so he knew that the sight of her at his signing wasn't just a dream.
She appeared in front of him, her long hair blowing in the bitter wind, a smile on her face. "This isn't quite the Rock 'n 'Roll hall of fame, but it's pretty close."
He held the door open as she led them in and down the stairs to the Vault, home to musical masterpieces such as the 'Flying V' Gibson played by Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon's hand amended lyrics to 'Imagine' and 'Instant Karma.'
He moved around in awe, finally allowing himself to believe that he really was here, in London, finally experiencing London with Ashley, the way he'd imagined it would be all those years ago, before she left in a cab, telling him not to come.
"This is just amazing." She smiled as she looked over at him.
Finally leaving, they moved upstairs to the Café, and were led to a discreet table towards the back of the restaurant.
"So rock star, still living in Vancouver?" She asked.
"Yeah, I love it there. It's low key enough. I can go to the supermarket without getting my picture taken, most of the time. But I love it here too, what I've seen of the city, what I've experienced so far." Especially today, with you, he added silently.
She nodded. "It's a constant blur, the people, the pace. It's pretty amazing. It's definitely not the same as Toronto, that's for sure."
"How's Ali? Are you still with him?" He found himself asking, not being able to bring himself to look at her hand for a ring.
"We didn't last long." As she said that, his eyes strayed down to her finger, bare skin greeting him. "Last I heard you were with Manny - that took me by surprise to say the least."
"That didn't last long either, it just didn't work. She wanted more than I could give her, she wanted me to love her back, the same way she loved me. And I couldn't. She wasn't you."
"Sometimes, you have to do the chasing." Joey had said. "You just have to find her, work things out, because there's always that chance, diminutive or not, that she might still love you back."
"It's been that way with all the girls I've attempted relationships with. They weren't you; they couldn't come close to you." He laughed softly. "It's always been you."
"Why do you think Ali didn't work out, Craig?" She asked, shaking her head.
"I don't know."
"I spent the whole time comparing him to you, wanting him to be you. And then one day, he had enough and left. He said he wasn't the guy I wanted to be with, and that he wasn't enough for me. And in my heart, I knew that. There's been no lasting relationship since then. They don't compare to you. But you, you have a new life, a big career."
"It's a career that's portable. It can move wherever, Ash. And it's not the same, being without you. Performing and not having you up on stage singing beside me, or playing keyboard in front of me, or giving me hugs afterwards. Going home and you not being there. Nothings the same without you, it just all feels empty. When I made that first album, I wanted to write my own songs for it. I sat for days and weeks, with nothing worthwhile coming out. I didn't want to think about you, go back down that painful road, but one day the producer told me to find the inspiration, the girl that inspired the first two songs that we'd already recorded. That night I went home to my apartment and found the ring, the ring that was meant for you, and suddenly words filled the page, because I was thinking about you, writing about you."
"Craig… you live in Vancouver. I live here, in London."
"I can move. I've been thinking about you a lot, daily, ever since you left. And I've been haunted by the fact that I let you leave, didn't follow you, haunted by the fact that things could've worked out so differently if I'd just followed my heart instead of your words. I don't want to be without you, Ash." Words were spilling out of his mouth in desperation, much like they used to in high school, begging her all those times for forgiveness, not to leave, to marry him. "I don't want to be haunted by those thoughts anymore, I don't want to let you go again." She smiled through tears much the same way she did the day he ran out of the recording studio to get her back. "Joey told me that 'there's always that chance, diminutive or not, that she might still love you back.' Just tell me there's a chance, Ash, and the rest will work itself out. We'll work it out."
"There's a chance."
And suddenly his life wasn't so empty, his heart wasn't so empty, and London was no longer what had torn them apart. Because while it had torn them apart and shown Ashley a new life and a new guy all those years ago, it had brought them back together years later, the same two people, the same love of rock 'n' roll, and he knew he wasn't letting London tear them apart again.
Because ultimately he was her Craig and everything was always going to be about her. He knew that, and he wasn't letting her go again.
Sometimes, you just had to do the chasing.