Ethan Mars woke up with a yawn and stared out his window at the sun. It looked like a beautiful day outside. He stood up and stretched.
'I've got a lot to do today... It's Jason's birthday.' He thought to himself.
He went and took a shower, and when he walked out of the bathroom, his bird flipped itself.
"Well screw you too, shithead." Ethan replied to his bird's gesture before going back into the bedroom and putting on his son's clothes.
He then realized he was in his sons' room, so he took the clothes off and went into the bedroom he and his wife, Grace, shared.
He proceeded to put on her clothes.
It wasn't long before Grace returned home with the kids, who ran inside to greet their loving father.
"Ethan, sweetie, could you help me with these bags?" She asked.
"Sure, honey." He walked over to her and picked up the bags.
Then he put them back into her arms.
"Oops." He said. He picked them up again, only to place them back into her arms.
"Ethan?"
He did this again.
"Ethan."
Again.
"ETHAN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU HIGH OR SOMETHING"
"Yes." Without saying another word, Ethan cartwheeled through the window-esque sliding door to the backyard.
"Dad," Jason started to ask. "Why are you wearing mom's wedding dress?"
"Because, son, the sun is out and today is Tuesday."
"Okay, I'll accept that."
"Dad, dad, let's do the Helicopter!" Shaun shouted. Ethan grabbed him by the arms and spun him until they flew into the sky.
Up there they met that old guy from Up.
"Hi~!" He yelled at them enthusiastically like George from Resident Evil: Outbreak.
Ethan then let go of Shaun.
Shaun flew around the planet.
When Ethan landed gently on the ground, Shaun slammed into his back like a rocket.
Jason clapped and watched as the two of them quickly engaged in a childish sword fight.
Shaun fake-cut Ethan's leg open and stabbed him in the chest. Ethan let out a fake-death groan and fell over.
The kids laughed until they realized their dad wasn't moving.
"... Dad?"
The End.
Just kidding.
Grace called the kids in to eat, to which they happily obliged. Ethan got up after a moment and walked inside.
"Have you seen Jason?" Grace asked.
"Didn't he just walk inside no more than ten seconds ago."
"Well..."
"Seriously do you even care."
"No."
"And the Best Mother award goes to... Grace Mars!" Ethan went upstairs and found Jason sobbing in front of the bird, who was now dead on the floor.
"Jason, what happened?" Ethan asked, kneeling next to his son.
"It's our bird," He cried, not remembering the bird's name. "He's dead."
"About that, Jason... I killed him."
"What? Why, dad?"
"He flipped the bird at me."
"Oh... Okay." They both skipped and fell down the stairs together.
Ethan, Grace, Jason, and Shaun walked together through the mall.
"Hey, I'm gonna get shitface over here some high heels." Grace said as she disappeared into a shoe shop while carrying Shaun.
"Hey, kiddo, whe-" Ethan turned to find that Jason was gone. "JASON"
He ran around frantically, throwing people aside like old banana peels. "JASON"
"JAAAAAAAASON"
"JASONNN"
"JASON" He went over to Jason, who was staring at a red balloon.
"Dad, can I have one? Just one?"
"Sure thing, JASON"
The clown in front of the balloons bent over towards Jason. "What's your name, little boy?"
"JASON"
"What color baloon, do you want-"
"JAAASON"
"The red-"
"JASO-"
Jason shoved the clown's fist into his father's mouth.
"... Hyysshn."
Jason then took the balloon and flew away like Mary Poppins. Ethan checked all of his pockets for two dollars, only to find it behind his ear. He paid the clown, and then he went back to what he had been doing before. "JASON"
Eventually Ethan found Jason outside of the mall and across the street.
"JAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN"
"DDDDDAAAAAAADDDDDDD" Jason started hopping towards him, right in front of a car.
"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOONNNNNNN" Ethan leapt forward! He was going to save his son!
He landed on his stomach, the tips of his outstretched fingers just barely touching the edge of the sidewalk. "Shit."
Jason was barely nudged by the car. He fell over and twitched, though, and soon after suddenly passed away.
Grace ran over and screamed. "JAAAASONNNNN" She yelled in Ethan's voice before sacking Ethan so hard he descended into a coma.
Two years later, Ethan opened the door to his apartment. Shaun went inside first, taking off his jacket and backpack before immediately going to the television.
Ethan opened his mouth to speak to his son, but found himself too shy to say anything.
He decided to leave Shaun, who was watching kittens get murdered, be for now, and instead went into his office. He sat on the chair for his desk, and it broke under his weight. Rubbing his hip, he looked up and saw the tiny TV and the VCR player sitting in the corner. Sticking out of the VCR player was a tape. Without thinking, he pushed it in and the machine exploded.
'Great. I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT WAS ON THAT TAPE ANYWAYS.' He thought. Suddenly, though, the TV started showing him memories of better times. Times when his wife was still with him, and when Jason was still alive.
"What do you want to be when you grow up, Jason?" The then-36-year-old him asked.
Ethan threw the TV down, smashing the screen. He then started to bawl, curling up in a corner and cradling himself.
"DAD" Shaun screamed.
"SHAUN"
"STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING PANSY AND FEED ME"
"NUAHS" Ethan walked backwards down the stairs and threw some pizza at the microwave. The pizza combusted.
And then turned into a live chicken.
"TAKE YOUR POTATO CHIPS..." Ethan said, whipping a bag of potato chips at Shaun. "... AND EAT THEM!"
"No, dad. Just no."
"SHUT UP SHAUN YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME" Ethan proceeded to cry himself to sleep under the kitchen table.